Part 10
The first meeting with Rath and Lonnie does not go well. Zan does not beat around the bush, informing them up-front that he has told Beth the truth. They are cold, and Zan is guilty - but not sorry - and Beth wonders why all of it feels so familiar. Since her memory loss, deja vu is not uncommon. But the scowl on Rath's face as he storms out of the apartment, and the pinched expression Lonnie exhibits before retreating to her bedroom, are so unsurprising, she wonders if they have made appearances in her dreams of Zan. She does not remember Rath or Lonnie, but she does not recall clear details of all her dreams either, so it is possible that they have been there.
It is not that she does not understand their reaction. They have spent their entire lives hiding their secret, and, in one evening, by healing her, Zan has changed it all. They do not know that they can trust her. They do not know that after Zan told her the truth, all she felt was a rush of protectiveness toward him that she still can not explain. Because Zan seems like the last person on Earth who needs protecting. He is capable, and strong, and open, and she trusts him implicitly. Just as he has trusted her. She is not entirely certain why he has chosen to share himself with her, but she will not betray him. She will not betray any of them. Because, to her, the alien factor is a mere detail.
But, they do not know this. Not yet. She does not blame them for not understanding. She knows that, to anyone else, the truth about Zan would be frightening, would change the way they look at the universe. But, to her, it is truly no more strange than the fact that she once lived a life of which she has no recollection.
"Maybe I should go," Beth suggests. Ava is still curled up on the couch, and she is watching Zan anxiously, as though she wants to follow either Lonnie or Rath, but feels like she needs Zan's permission first. She does not seem angry, but is resigned.
"No," Zan says firmly. "It will be all right. They'll come around."
And, eventually, they do.
With Lonnie, it is sudden. One day she accompanies Zan to Beth's apartment, and she is talkative and friendly. Beth glances at Zan in bemusement. He just rolls his eyes and grins.
Rath takes more time. He barely seems to notice Beth's presence when he is in her company, as though ignoring her will make her disappear. But, slowly, she starts to notice small things. First, he turns up the radio when a song she likes comes on the air. Then she finds an empty notebook in her bag, after she has told Zan that she needs a new journal. She thanks first Zan, and then Ava, and then Lonnie, and they all deny surprising her. She does not mention it to Rath, but returns the favour by starting to leave CDs or books she thinks he will like on his bed. For most of the first year, their entire relationship is covert, unacknowledged, until he starts to speak to her as he speaks to the others, as though she has always been there.
Ava is accepting from the first. She is a cheerful girl, much different from the waif Beth first encountered in the bus station. Beth understands from the beginning that Ava does not consider Zan to be her brother, but she never seems to mind Beth's place in his life. She truly seems content that he is happy.
And he is happy. They both are. Things move quickly between them. Beth understands why. They have both been lonely. Beth does not know who she is, and Zan has not been able to let others see who he really is, until her. But she does not allow things to truly progress until his family accepts her. Because, even though she knows he will not let Lonnie, or Rath, or Ava stop them, she refuses to come between him and his family.
One night he reveals to Beth that, although he has Lonnie, and Rath, and Ava, he has always felt like he was waiting for someone else - that his life was not yet complete. She tells him that she understands, because she has been waiting for him, too. That her dreams have been preparing her for his arrival in her life. That, with him, for the first time since she lost her memory, she feels perfectly safe.
Later that same evening, they make love for the first time. She does not know if she has done this before, but whether or not she has, in every way that counts, she is untouched. She does not remember. She knows that he is not inexperienced, and she finds that she is nervous, but he is all that is gentle and loving.
After, at first, she feels close to him. But, as she lays with her head on his chest, her eyes closed, she feels tears well. She opens her eyes, and instinctively, runs her finger-tips down his bare arm.
A vision momentarily blinds her. It is of the two of them, and she is trailing her fingers down his bare chest, her heart pounding as a pathway of light burnishes where she has touched.
She blinks, then frowns. She wonders if the illusion is a dream she has forgotten. But, she senses that it is more than that. Something is wrong. Something that was supposed to exist between them is not there. She fears hurting him, but she knows that she is tensing, and, so, she shifts onto her side, pulling the sheet more tightly around her body.
He is stroking her hair lightly, but does not resist when she pulls away. She cannot look at him, does not want him to see her confusion, so she buries her face in her pillow. She cries herself silently to sleep.
When she awakens, she is still empty inside. She knows he is gone. Pulling on her robe, she shuffles to the window, feeling as though she has aged fifty years over night. She is surprised to find him sitting on the fire escape, smoking a cigarette, which he has never before done in her presence. For the first time since they've met again, she does not know what to say to him. He, as always, seems to understand, so he shoulders the burden.
"It was your first time," he says gently.
"I guess it was," she replies.
"It's okay to be emotional."
She feels angry, instead of comforted. She knows that it is irrational, but she snaps, "Well, I'm glad you think it's okay."
He gazes at her steadily, until she closes her eyes to evade his penetrating stare. For the first time, she does not like that it sometimes seems that he can see right through her. Because, this time, she is absolutely certain that he is seeing the wrong thing.
It is not the first time that she feels the wrongness of Zan. But it is the first time that she remembers it later.
***
She awakens to sunlight streaming in her face. Sitting up, Beth shades her eyes, gazing around the strange hotel room in confusion. Where is she? Where is Max?
The thought of Max brings everything rushing back. Because, already, the first thought of the morning has gone from "Where is Zan?" to "Where is Max?" She still does not remember him, but her heart has already made the change. She wonders if her poor, scarred mind is rejoicing at the release of the burden of hiding Max for so long.
She feels guilty. She knows it is wrong to love two people at the same time, particularly when she cannot even remember one of them, but she cannot fight what is. All she can do is accept and hope that, once Max is found, her heart will lead her to the right decision.
Finding Max is the first priority. She wonders why Isabel did not wake her after the dreamwalk, because Beth has clearly been allowed to sleep through the night. It is strange. She feels her heart start to pound. What if Max's sister saw something in her mind that made her so angry, she could not bear to face Beth again?
Looking around, Beth takes in the state of the room. The bed beside her is rumpled. Frowning, she picks up the pillow and recognizes the scent of Maria's perfume. She shakes her head in wonder that her best friend from "before" spent the night next to her, and she slept right through it. Isabel's bed is still made, although the impression of the blonde woman's body is visible.
Moments later, Beth is out in the sitting room area of Maria's suite. They are all there, waiting, although they are trying to mask that this is what they are doing. Michael is watching the sports highlights; Maria, Alex, and Isabel are eating bagels and croissants at the table near the window; Tess is at the mirror near the door, braiding her hair; and Kyle is on the phone.
"Liz, you're up!" Maria exclaims, after catching sight of her. She jumps to her feet, hurrying over and giving Beth a hug.
"What time is it?" Beth demands, pulling away.
"It's ten," Maria replies.
"What! Why didn't you wake me up?"
She watches Maria glance over her shoulder at Isabel. Max's sister takes her cue. She is not looking at Beth. "The dreamwalk didn't work, Liz. I tried to wake you, but you were totally gone. We decided to just let you sleep. You had a tough day yesterday."
Beth ignores the last part, stares at her. "What do you mean, 'it didn't work?'" she asks, her heart falling.
"Nothing happened," Isabel explains. "I saw you" She swallows visibly, keeping her eyes averted. "But I couldn't find Max."
Beth wonders what Max's sister saw that was so horrible, she cannot meet her eyes. "Tell me, please! What did you see?"
Isabel finally raises her gaze. "Liz, he is alive. But he's completely shut himself off. I couldn't get in, even through you, and with the connection that exists between you, I should have been able to." Her dark eyes are shining with tears. "He's obviously been shutting us all out for years. I don't know how he became so strong, but it's why...it's..." She drops her face into her hands. Alex moves to comfort her.
"It's why we finally accepted that Max was dead," Michael finishes roughly. "Iz couldn't find him on the dream plain anymore. But now we know that he just made sure we couldn't."
"Why?" Beth demands. "Why would he do that?"
"To protect us," Michael replies simply.
"He knew we'd never stop looking if we thought there was even a chance that he was still alive," Tess explains quietly.
"Well, we have to keep trying," Beth insists. "Now that we know what he's doing, there's got to be some way around it." She bites her lip, thinking hard. "I know! I'll ask Zan!"
She says it without thinking, and a stony silence falls over the group. She sighs. "Listen, I know you're all not his biggest fans, but in some ways, he and Max are the same. He's got to know what Max is doing, and he's got to know a way through it."
"You'd really ask him to do that?" Tess asks, incredulous.
"He'll help," Beth replies. "What's between us...I can't explain it. It's all so complicated now. But he won't take what's going on between us out on Max. I know he won't. He's not like that."
"I don't buy it," Michael tells her firmly. "That guy knew deep down who you were. We know for a fact that his sister definitely did..."
"What?" Beth interrupts. "What do you mean?"
Isabel, having mostly regained her composure, shoots Michael an exasperated look, and then says, "You just explained it to yourself, Liz, when you said that Zan and Max are the same. I told you last night what I did when Max first brought you into our secret."
Beth stares at her. "Lonnie?" She feels slightly ill, but she realizes that she cannot fault Lonnie for the betrayal. She did what she thought she had to do. And, in the end, wasn't Beth proving Zan's sister right? She was, in many ways, betraying Zan simply by being in this room.
"Lonnie," Isabel confirms. "She admitted it last night."
"What time did you get back?" Beth asks Michael, realizing that she does not know what happened between Zan, his siblings, and the Roswell group who accompanied them back to their apartment.
"Around one," Michael replies. "After Kyle got the phone call from his dad. That's how we found out that Maxwell is definitely alive."
Beth stares at him, perplexed. "What do you mean?"
Kyle explains, "Max called my dad. Two days ago now."
"Why did he do that?" Beth asks, realizing that the relationships existing between these people are far more complicated than she ever imagined. She decides that it is time to find out exactly what they all meant to each other, because it doesn't seem that it will interfere with finding Max any longer. He will not allow them to locate him on the dream plain anyway.
"It's a long story," Kyle replies, sighing. "You better sit down."
Beth allows Maria to push her into the sofa nearby. The entire group looks at Alex, who does not seem surprised that they expect him to tell the story. He looks momentarily taken aback, but eventually begins readily enough. He pulls his chair forward, taking Beth's hand in his own.
"Isabel told me that you and she had a conversation about connecting last night," Alex starts. His cheeks are turning slightly red. "She also told me that she explained to you how that comes about between a human and a Czech."
"A what?" Beth interjects, staring at him, completely bewildered by why he is talking about sex, when he should be telling her about the past. And, so, she addresses the most inane thing of all.
"Oh, Czech! It's a joke now," Maria explains quickly. "But we still say it all the time without thinking. It was the code word you and I came up with a long time ago, so that we could talk about aliens in public."
Beth just nods her head, as though she understands. Now that she is about to find out exactly who she is, she wonders if she is truly ready. Glancing around the group, she realizes that they all know more about her than she does. She had relationships with them all. They shared jokes. They are not strangers exactly, have never felt that way to her, but in so many ways they are. Being told everything will not change that. She will be informed, but she will not remember any of it. It saddens her.
She wants to know. She needs to know.
"Okay," Beth says. She looks back at Alex. "You were talking about the connection? About how you have to be committed to a Czech," she glances at Maria, smiling slightly, "for it to happen?"
"Yeah." He grimaces. "The reason I'm mentioning it at all, Liz, is that you have to understand that things have always been different with you and Max. That's not how you two first became connected...through that kind of commitment. I just thought I should clear that up before I got started."
The truth, when he tells it, is more difficult than she imagined. It is not surprising, it is not horrible, but it is not comforting either.
Because, with every word, the suspicion that she has betrayed her own soul for the past three years, becomes a certainty.
The first meeting with Rath and Lonnie does not go well. Zan does not beat around the bush, informing them up-front that he has told Beth the truth. They are cold, and Zan is guilty - but not sorry - and Beth wonders why all of it feels so familiar. Since her memory loss, deja vu is not uncommon. But the scowl on Rath's face as he storms out of the apartment, and the pinched expression Lonnie exhibits before retreating to her bedroom, are so unsurprising, she wonders if they have made appearances in her dreams of Zan. She does not remember Rath or Lonnie, but she does not recall clear details of all her dreams either, so it is possible that they have been there.
It is not that she does not understand their reaction. They have spent their entire lives hiding their secret, and, in one evening, by healing her, Zan has changed it all. They do not know that they can trust her. They do not know that after Zan told her the truth, all she felt was a rush of protectiveness toward him that she still can not explain. Because Zan seems like the last person on Earth who needs protecting. He is capable, and strong, and open, and she trusts him implicitly. Just as he has trusted her. She is not entirely certain why he has chosen to share himself with her, but she will not betray him. She will not betray any of them. Because, to her, the alien factor is a mere detail.
But, they do not know this. Not yet. She does not blame them for not understanding. She knows that, to anyone else, the truth about Zan would be frightening, would change the way they look at the universe. But, to her, it is truly no more strange than the fact that she once lived a life of which she has no recollection.
"Maybe I should go," Beth suggests. Ava is still curled up on the couch, and she is watching Zan anxiously, as though she wants to follow either Lonnie or Rath, but feels like she needs Zan's permission first. She does not seem angry, but is resigned.
"No," Zan says firmly. "It will be all right. They'll come around."
And, eventually, they do.
With Lonnie, it is sudden. One day she accompanies Zan to Beth's apartment, and she is talkative and friendly. Beth glances at Zan in bemusement. He just rolls his eyes and grins.
Rath takes more time. He barely seems to notice Beth's presence when he is in her company, as though ignoring her will make her disappear. But, slowly, she starts to notice small things. First, he turns up the radio when a song she likes comes on the air. Then she finds an empty notebook in her bag, after she has told Zan that she needs a new journal. She thanks first Zan, and then Ava, and then Lonnie, and they all deny surprising her. She does not mention it to Rath, but returns the favour by starting to leave CDs or books she thinks he will like on his bed. For most of the first year, their entire relationship is covert, unacknowledged, until he starts to speak to her as he speaks to the others, as though she has always been there.
Ava is accepting from the first. She is a cheerful girl, much different from the waif Beth first encountered in the bus station. Beth understands from the beginning that Ava does not consider Zan to be her brother, but she never seems to mind Beth's place in his life. She truly seems content that he is happy.
And he is happy. They both are. Things move quickly between them. Beth understands why. They have both been lonely. Beth does not know who she is, and Zan has not been able to let others see who he really is, until her. But she does not allow things to truly progress until his family accepts her. Because, even though she knows he will not let Lonnie, or Rath, or Ava stop them, she refuses to come between him and his family.
One night he reveals to Beth that, although he has Lonnie, and Rath, and Ava, he has always felt like he was waiting for someone else - that his life was not yet complete. She tells him that she understands, because she has been waiting for him, too. That her dreams have been preparing her for his arrival in her life. That, with him, for the first time since she lost her memory, she feels perfectly safe.
Later that same evening, they make love for the first time. She does not know if she has done this before, but whether or not she has, in every way that counts, she is untouched. She does not remember. She knows that he is not inexperienced, and she finds that she is nervous, but he is all that is gentle and loving.
After, at first, she feels close to him. But, as she lays with her head on his chest, her eyes closed, she feels tears well. She opens her eyes, and instinctively, runs her finger-tips down his bare arm.
A vision momentarily blinds her. It is of the two of them, and she is trailing her fingers down his bare chest, her heart pounding as a pathway of light burnishes where she has touched.
She blinks, then frowns. She wonders if the illusion is a dream she has forgotten. But, she senses that it is more than that. Something is wrong. Something that was supposed to exist between them is not there. She fears hurting him, but she knows that she is tensing, and, so, she shifts onto her side, pulling the sheet more tightly around her body.
He is stroking her hair lightly, but does not resist when she pulls away. She cannot look at him, does not want him to see her confusion, so she buries her face in her pillow. She cries herself silently to sleep.
When she awakens, she is still empty inside. She knows he is gone. Pulling on her robe, she shuffles to the window, feeling as though she has aged fifty years over night. She is surprised to find him sitting on the fire escape, smoking a cigarette, which he has never before done in her presence. For the first time since they've met again, she does not know what to say to him. He, as always, seems to understand, so he shoulders the burden.
"It was your first time," he says gently.
"I guess it was," she replies.
"It's okay to be emotional."
She feels angry, instead of comforted. She knows that it is irrational, but she snaps, "Well, I'm glad you think it's okay."
He gazes at her steadily, until she closes her eyes to evade his penetrating stare. For the first time, she does not like that it sometimes seems that he can see right through her. Because, this time, she is absolutely certain that he is seeing the wrong thing.
It is not the first time that she feels the wrongness of Zan. But it is the first time that she remembers it later.
***
She awakens to sunlight streaming in her face. Sitting up, Beth shades her eyes, gazing around the strange hotel room in confusion. Where is she? Where is Max?
The thought of Max brings everything rushing back. Because, already, the first thought of the morning has gone from "Where is Zan?" to "Where is Max?" She still does not remember him, but her heart has already made the change. She wonders if her poor, scarred mind is rejoicing at the release of the burden of hiding Max for so long.
She feels guilty. She knows it is wrong to love two people at the same time, particularly when she cannot even remember one of them, but she cannot fight what is. All she can do is accept and hope that, once Max is found, her heart will lead her to the right decision.
Finding Max is the first priority. She wonders why Isabel did not wake her after the dreamwalk, because Beth has clearly been allowed to sleep through the night. It is strange. She feels her heart start to pound. What if Max's sister saw something in her mind that made her so angry, she could not bear to face Beth again?
Looking around, Beth takes in the state of the room. The bed beside her is rumpled. Frowning, she picks up the pillow and recognizes the scent of Maria's perfume. She shakes her head in wonder that her best friend from "before" spent the night next to her, and she slept right through it. Isabel's bed is still made, although the impression of the blonde woman's body is visible.
Moments later, Beth is out in the sitting room area of Maria's suite. They are all there, waiting, although they are trying to mask that this is what they are doing. Michael is watching the sports highlights; Maria, Alex, and Isabel are eating bagels and croissants at the table near the window; Tess is at the mirror near the door, braiding her hair; and Kyle is on the phone.
"Liz, you're up!" Maria exclaims, after catching sight of her. She jumps to her feet, hurrying over and giving Beth a hug.
"What time is it?" Beth demands, pulling away.
"It's ten," Maria replies.
"What! Why didn't you wake me up?"
She watches Maria glance over her shoulder at Isabel. Max's sister takes her cue. She is not looking at Beth. "The dreamwalk didn't work, Liz. I tried to wake you, but you were totally gone. We decided to just let you sleep. You had a tough day yesterday."
Beth ignores the last part, stares at her. "What do you mean, 'it didn't work?'" she asks, her heart falling.
"Nothing happened," Isabel explains. "I saw you" She swallows visibly, keeping her eyes averted. "But I couldn't find Max."
Beth wonders what Max's sister saw that was so horrible, she cannot meet her eyes. "Tell me, please! What did you see?"
Isabel finally raises her gaze. "Liz, he is alive. But he's completely shut himself off. I couldn't get in, even through you, and with the connection that exists between you, I should have been able to." Her dark eyes are shining with tears. "He's obviously been shutting us all out for years. I don't know how he became so strong, but it's why...it's..." She drops her face into her hands. Alex moves to comfort her.
"It's why we finally accepted that Max was dead," Michael finishes roughly. "Iz couldn't find him on the dream plain anymore. But now we know that he just made sure we couldn't."
"Why?" Beth demands. "Why would he do that?"
"To protect us," Michael replies simply.
"He knew we'd never stop looking if we thought there was even a chance that he was still alive," Tess explains quietly.
"Well, we have to keep trying," Beth insists. "Now that we know what he's doing, there's got to be some way around it." She bites her lip, thinking hard. "I know! I'll ask Zan!"
She says it without thinking, and a stony silence falls over the group. She sighs. "Listen, I know you're all not his biggest fans, but in some ways, he and Max are the same. He's got to know what Max is doing, and he's got to know a way through it."
"You'd really ask him to do that?" Tess asks, incredulous.
"He'll help," Beth replies. "What's between us...I can't explain it. It's all so complicated now. But he won't take what's going on between us out on Max. I know he won't. He's not like that."
"I don't buy it," Michael tells her firmly. "That guy knew deep down who you were. We know for a fact that his sister definitely did..."
"What?" Beth interrupts. "What do you mean?"
Isabel, having mostly regained her composure, shoots Michael an exasperated look, and then says, "You just explained it to yourself, Liz, when you said that Zan and Max are the same. I told you last night what I did when Max first brought you into our secret."
Beth stares at her. "Lonnie?" She feels slightly ill, but she realizes that she cannot fault Lonnie for the betrayal. She did what she thought she had to do. And, in the end, wasn't Beth proving Zan's sister right? She was, in many ways, betraying Zan simply by being in this room.
"Lonnie," Isabel confirms. "She admitted it last night."
"What time did you get back?" Beth asks Michael, realizing that she does not know what happened between Zan, his siblings, and the Roswell group who accompanied them back to their apartment.
"Around one," Michael replies. "After Kyle got the phone call from his dad. That's how we found out that Maxwell is definitely alive."
Beth stares at him, perplexed. "What do you mean?"
Kyle explains, "Max called my dad. Two days ago now."
"Why did he do that?" Beth asks, realizing that the relationships existing between these people are far more complicated than she ever imagined. She decides that it is time to find out exactly what they all meant to each other, because it doesn't seem that it will interfere with finding Max any longer. He will not allow them to locate him on the dream plain anyway.
"It's a long story," Kyle replies, sighing. "You better sit down."
Beth allows Maria to push her into the sofa nearby. The entire group looks at Alex, who does not seem surprised that they expect him to tell the story. He looks momentarily taken aback, but eventually begins readily enough. He pulls his chair forward, taking Beth's hand in his own.
"Isabel told me that you and she had a conversation about connecting last night," Alex starts. His cheeks are turning slightly red. "She also told me that she explained to you how that comes about between a human and a Czech."
"A what?" Beth interjects, staring at him, completely bewildered by why he is talking about sex, when he should be telling her about the past. And, so, she addresses the most inane thing of all.
"Oh, Czech! It's a joke now," Maria explains quickly. "But we still say it all the time without thinking. It was the code word you and I came up with a long time ago, so that we could talk about aliens in public."
Beth just nods her head, as though she understands. Now that she is about to find out exactly who she is, she wonders if she is truly ready. Glancing around the group, she realizes that they all know more about her than she does. She had relationships with them all. They shared jokes. They are not strangers exactly, have never felt that way to her, but in so many ways they are. Being told everything will not change that. She will be informed, but she will not remember any of it. It saddens her.
She wants to know. She needs to know.
"Okay," Beth says. She looks back at Alex. "You were talking about the connection? About how you have to be committed to a Czech," she glances at Maria, smiling slightly, "for it to happen?"
"Yeah." He grimaces. "The reason I'm mentioning it at all, Liz, is that you have to understand that things have always been different with you and Max. That's not how you two first became connected...through that kind of commitment. I just thought I should clear that up before I got started."
The truth, when he tells it, is more difficult than she imagined. It is not surprising, it is not horrible, but it is not comforting either.
Because, with every word, the suspicion that she has betrayed her own soul for the past three years, becomes a certainty.
