Part 12
Zan moves in with her shortly after they first make love. The strangeness of the morning after quickly evaporates, but only because Beth decides to ignore it.
But she never quite forgets.
Zan goes along with it, making Beth question whether he ever felt that there was anything wrong at all. She is relieved because for the first time since the river there is no instinct to guide her. She does not understand the wrongness, so she will not talk about it. There is no reason to discuss something that neither of them will acknowledge, and so they just move on.
In time, they are closer than ever - a real couple. They make each other happy. It is a good relationship. They both feel that they were meant to find each other; that they both felt the same sense of waiting until they were in each other's life; that there is a reason that they are together.
It is only after almost two more years, when the dreams she once had of him return, that she understands that it is not necessarily a goodreason. Because she now recognizes the dreams for what they really are - fearful nightmares of what might be.
She begins to wonder if the reason they have found each other is because she is meant to destroy him. But how can she possibly destroy someone she loves so much? She refuses to accept that this might be true.
She ignores the nightmares at first, pushes them away, lives in the day. But she learns to dread the night. She tells him the truth about the dreams, because she often wakes gasping in his arms. She is afraid all the time. Certainly not of him, or that she will lose him. She knows that he will not reject her. It is not in him to do so.
No, she is afraid for him. She is afraid what having her in his life will do to him.
She also knows that it is not in her to leave him.
She does not want the nightmares to come true. If she leaves him, they will not. But she is a coward. She cannot face the world alone. She has lived that, and she cannot go back. Not yet. Maybe never.
She knows that it is wrong that she does not love him enough to do what is best for him. She is selfish, though. She cannot give him up. She knows that they have found each other for a reason. She cannot leave him until she knows what it is. In spite of everything, she feels that it is not entirely about what she envisions in her nightmares.
She is right.
It is only later - much later, after all that was meant to be has been - that she understands that they did find each other for a reason, but that it was not about her at all. That she is not the one destined to destroy him.
No, in the end, it is not about her, but she plays a part.
Because, in the end, for her, he chooses to destroy himself.
***
Zan is on his way across the lobby of the hotel, when he becomes aware of a man standing near the elevators. He is an unremarkable middle-aged man, casually dressed, with sandy blond hair, craggy skin, and a capable air about him. He does not look at all dangerous.
Zan feels a shiver descend his spine anyway. Somehow he is already aware that the next few minutes are going to completely change everything.
The man is quite openly staring at him, his mouth hanging slightly ajar. He looks as though he has seen a ghost. Zan sighs, already understanding why.
The man composes himself and moves forward. "You changed your mind," he says. "You heard about Liz."
"I'm not who you think I am," Zan replies quietly, aware that the man is going to be disappointed. Zan remembers Tess's explanation about this man, Kyle's father, who blames himself for what happened to his original. "I'm not Max Evans."
Jim Valenti's eyes widen. "Good God. You're Zan. Kyle wasn't exaggerating, was he?"
"I guess not." Zan shrugs. He feels weary. He is tired already of being mistaken for his original. He knows that he will never live up to what they all remember Max Evans to be. What Zan knows Max still is. Because he has felt him, and he knows why his original stays away. And, even without the bond that exists between them, he would know it anyway. Max has told this very man exactly why he will not return. It is to protect those he loves.
And, yet, this man standing before him has flown across the country to make sure that Max comes home anyway. They miss him enough that they are willing to take the risk of having him back, rather than do without him any longer.
But Max will never agree. Zan knows it. He feels it.
He has spent the night embracing the connection he now acknowledges to that other him. It has existed for years, but he is finally accepting it, opening himself to it.
He is finally accepting it because there is no choice. He has spent three years refusing to accept what is truth. What he should have known from the night he healed Beth without any sort of connection. What he should have understood from the moment they first made love, and she remained closed off from him. He and Max are connected in a way beyond what Lonnie, and Ava, and Rath feel for their originals.
It is because Beth is the link between them. Zan does not quite understand how it is so, but he knows that it is true. They have both chosen her and, because of it, their connection is stronger than it was ever meant to be.
Zan wonders if Max feels him, too. He wonders if Max knows that Beth has not been alone these past years. He wonders if his original hates him as much as Zan hates Max.
He hates him for having found Beth first, hates him for being the king Langley really wanted. Zan hates him because he knows that he is weaker than Max, that he is unable to give up Beth without a fight. Zan knows that he would not have survived five years in captivity. He hates that Max did, and he does not understand how it was possible. Thinking Beth was dead, as the sheriff told Kyle was true, should have made Max realize that there was nothing left to live for.
Zan's original lived. He lives. He lives, he is staying away, but he is still coming between Zan and Beth, and Zan hates him for it.
Zan hates that he loves Max for it. That he admires him, and that he knows that Max deserves to come home.
He hates that he knows that whatever hope he had that Beth might choose him is fruitless. Because Max staying away will only make those who love him more determined to bring him back, out of his solitary hell.
Zan knows that Max is living in hell. He knows that he cannot bear feeling it for the rest of his life. Even if he does win Beth in the end, Zan will always feel Max, and know that he has won his life only because another was stronger.
"It's dangerous for you to be here," the sheriff tells him gruffly. Zan blinks, forcing himself to pay attention to the older man.
"What do you mean?"
"One of the reasons that Max isn't coming back is because he's scared the FBI is watching his friends. They might mistake you for him," the sheriff tells him. "You're putting yourself in jeopardy by being here."
Zan feels a rush of horror. The sheriff is right. How has this thought never crossed his mind? He is not scared for himself, but he is frightened for his siblings. Until now, the FBI has thought that Max is the only alien, or so Michael told him last night. If the FBI thinks he is Max, and follows him home, they will see Ava, and Lonnie, and Rath. They will know that Tess, and Isabel, and Michael are living in the hotel. They will understand that they are all different. They will all be exposed.
Everything that Max has done, everything he has survived to keep his friends safe, will have been in vain.
The sheriff seems to sense Zan's shocked bewilderment, because he grasps him by the arm and propels him into the elevator. "We'll just go upstairs. It's all right, son. We'll figure this out."
As the elevator climbs to the top floor, Zan begins to feel a mounting dread. If they have been watching Max's friends, the FBI must already be aware that Beth is alive. She is in more danger than anyone, because they must know that she is the one person they can threaten who will bring Max out of hiding. In fact, it is likely that they believe that it is Beth that has caused Max to break out of his prison. Because, after five years, why else would he have done it?
It is a question that Zan has already asked himself. Why now? Why, after five years, has Max Evans finally decided to free himself? Zan senses that his original is unaware that Beth lives. In fact, the sheriff confirmed it to his son on the phone last night. So, why now? He wonders if he will ever meet Max, because it is a question to which he would like an answer.
"Do you know where Max is?" Zan asks the sheriff, because he is beginning to realize that it is only a matter of time until he meets his original face to face.
"I'm sure he suspected I was tracing his call," the sheriff replies evenly. "He's likely gone by now."
"Where was he?"
"Up north," the sheriff tells him. "We'll start there."
Zan is aware that the sheriff is watching him. He does not look back, but stares at the numbers as they climb steadily. The doors of the elevator open a moment later, and Zan steps out.
The sheriff follows. "Zan."
Zan pauses, grimaces before turning around. "Yeah?"
"I've learned my lesson about judging things I don't understand," the sheriff tells him carefully. "Those kids have, too. If you're anything like Max Evans, then I know that you're going to do the right thing."
Zan feels momentarily angry. "You mean give Beth up." He knows that he has no say in the matter, really - that the choice is up to Beth. But it still hurts that they all are so sure about what will happen; who she will end up with. She does not even remember Max Evans!
"That's not what I mean," the sheriff says patiently. Zan stares at him, surprised. "What's between you and Liz is your business. I'm talking about something different. I have a feeling that you know how to help us find Max."
Zan looks down, then shrugs. "Maybe."
"If you know anything, you need to help us," the sheriff tells him firmly. "Max is stubborn. He won't let us find him. We need help."
Zan meets the older man's piercing blue eyes. "What if Max doesn't want to be found? He told you that. I feel it."
"What Max wants, and what he needs, are two completely different things," the sheriff replies grimly. "That young man has been through enough pain to last ten lifetimes. I, for one, will not allow it to continue. If he stays alone, it will. I took an oath to protect people. Even if it's from themselves. Max Evans does not deserve to lose everything. Not forever. Not because of a scumbag like Pierce."
"But isn't Max right? Won't Pierce just come after everyone Max cares about?" Won't he come after everyone I care about? Zan reflects. He is in tune with his original; thinks that, were he in Max's position, he would do the same thing.
"I've had five years to think about how to deal with Pierce," the sheriff tells him. "Don't you worry about him. We'll cross that bridge when we come to it." He eyes Zan, who does not feel reassured. Because who is the sheriff, really? He has not found Max in five years, and he will not be able to deal with Pierce when the time comes.
If Max Evans has not dealt with Pierce, then how can Sheriff Valenti ever hope to?
Zan wonders, why has Max never escaped before now? He has refined his gifts enough that he shut out Isabel's dreamwalks, made them all think he was dead. Why has he not taken care of Pierce?
There can only be one answer. Max chose to stay in captivity. And Zan is even beginning to think that he knows why. It has been confirmed from the phone call to the sheriff that Max still thinks Beth is dead. He blames himself because of it. He is punishing himself. He is doing exactly what Zan would do if he were in his position.
Max Evans needs to know that Beth is alive so that he can take care of Pierce once and for all. But Max will never know unless he is found. And, yet, Zan suspects that Max already does know, if only subconsciously. Because why else would he have chosen now to escape?
He is being drawn to Beth like a moth to a flame, even though he doesn't know it.
"Will you help us?"
Zan looks away, then shrugs again. Because, really, he already knows that the choice has been made. His own conscience has already decided for him.
The connection has already decided for him. His understanding of Max has already decided. His fear for his friends and family, if Pierce is not dealt with, has decided. Max will not take care of Pierce until he knows that Beth is alive. And Max is the only one who can do it.
In that instant, complete understanding floods Zan's mind. He feels his heart start to thud in his chest.
He and Max are the same. Max is not the only one who can do it.
The sheriff seems satisfied that Zan has not rejected his request outright. He strides away, then knocks on the door of the penthouse suite.
Zan stares after him, frozen. He knows that if he steps through that door, he is crossing the point of no return. When he sets eyes on Beth again, the truth will be irrevocably exposed. He will know, before she even speaks, that she has already chosen Max.
He cannot bear it. And, yet, he cannot stand in the way. He has to find Max, because he cannot allow Beth to be unhappy either. Beth has never really known happiness in the three years they have spent together. Zan knows this. Deep down, he has always known it. He was never quite right for her, although she always tried to hide it.
But Zan also does not know if he can just step gracefully aside when Max returns.
Understanding begins to take root. He must do it now. He must make the break.
He cannot see her again.
Which leaves only one option.
Abruptly, Zan returns to the elevator, punching the button to close the door.
As the elevator starts its descent, he closes his eyes, slumping against the back wall. For one moment he allows himself to feel weak.
He misses her already. Which makes him realize that he has finally understood exactly what is supposed to happen here. Because he can not live like this. He knows that it will not get better. He will not get over her. He will not be able to just let her be with someone else - even if it is another him. And he knows already that she will not choose him.
He finally understands exactly what it is that drew him to her, from the first moment he laid eyes on her. He finally understands exactly why he always felt like he was waiting for her.
It was not about her at all. It was decided long ago, on another planet, before he was even created.
He is the second. He is meant to take the king's place. Just not with her.
In the end, he was meant to love her, so that he would change. So that he would be ready.
He was meant to love her so that he would want to do exactly what he is doing.
He was meant to love her so that he would not want to live without her.
He is fortune's fool.
But it is his destiny and he will embrace it. Because, even if he understands that he has been set up, he does not want to live without her.
It is what is.
Zan stares into the mirrored walls of the elevator. He reaches up and runs a hand through his long dark hair. He tilts his head, examines what he has done, wonders if it is right.
It has to be. It is destiny. The wrong hair cannot screw up what is meant to be.
When he steps out of the elevator, Zan's eyes are drawn to the man sitting in the lobby. He wonders how he did not notice him before. The man pretends to be reading a newspaper, but Zan knows that he is not.
As Zan walks over to the man, he remembers when Langley first told them about destiny.
"You are the replacements, the duplicates, the back-ups. You have no destiny unless their destiny is compromised. Only then will you take their place."
He meets the man's eyes, and says firmly, "I'm ready to go back."
Zan moves in with her shortly after they first make love. The strangeness of the morning after quickly evaporates, but only because Beth decides to ignore it.
But she never quite forgets.
Zan goes along with it, making Beth question whether he ever felt that there was anything wrong at all. She is relieved because for the first time since the river there is no instinct to guide her. She does not understand the wrongness, so she will not talk about it. There is no reason to discuss something that neither of them will acknowledge, and so they just move on.
In time, they are closer than ever - a real couple. They make each other happy. It is a good relationship. They both feel that they were meant to find each other; that they both felt the same sense of waiting until they were in each other's life; that there is a reason that they are together.
It is only after almost two more years, when the dreams she once had of him return, that she understands that it is not necessarily a goodreason. Because she now recognizes the dreams for what they really are - fearful nightmares of what might be.
She begins to wonder if the reason they have found each other is because she is meant to destroy him. But how can she possibly destroy someone she loves so much? She refuses to accept that this might be true.
She ignores the nightmares at first, pushes them away, lives in the day. But she learns to dread the night. She tells him the truth about the dreams, because she often wakes gasping in his arms. She is afraid all the time. Certainly not of him, or that she will lose him. She knows that he will not reject her. It is not in him to do so.
No, she is afraid for him. She is afraid what having her in his life will do to him.
She also knows that it is not in her to leave him.
She does not want the nightmares to come true. If she leaves him, they will not. But she is a coward. She cannot face the world alone. She has lived that, and she cannot go back. Not yet. Maybe never.
She knows that it is wrong that she does not love him enough to do what is best for him. She is selfish, though. She cannot give him up. She knows that they have found each other for a reason. She cannot leave him until she knows what it is. In spite of everything, she feels that it is not entirely about what she envisions in her nightmares.
She is right.
It is only later - much later, after all that was meant to be has been - that she understands that they did find each other for a reason, but that it was not about her at all. That she is not the one destined to destroy him.
No, in the end, it is not about her, but she plays a part.
Because, in the end, for her, he chooses to destroy himself.
***
Zan is on his way across the lobby of the hotel, when he becomes aware of a man standing near the elevators. He is an unremarkable middle-aged man, casually dressed, with sandy blond hair, craggy skin, and a capable air about him. He does not look at all dangerous.
Zan feels a shiver descend his spine anyway. Somehow he is already aware that the next few minutes are going to completely change everything.
The man is quite openly staring at him, his mouth hanging slightly ajar. He looks as though he has seen a ghost. Zan sighs, already understanding why.
The man composes himself and moves forward. "You changed your mind," he says. "You heard about Liz."
"I'm not who you think I am," Zan replies quietly, aware that the man is going to be disappointed. Zan remembers Tess's explanation about this man, Kyle's father, who blames himself for what happened to his original. "I'm not Max Evans."
Jim Valenti's eyes widen. "Good God. You're Zan. Kyle wasn't exaggerating, was he?"
"I guess not." Zan shrugs. He feels weary. He is tired already of being mistaken for his original. He knows that he will never live up to what they all remember Max Evans to be. What Zan knows Max still is. Because he has felt him, and he knows why his original stays away. And, even without the bond that exists between them, he would know it anyway. Max has told this very man exactly why he will not return. It is to protect those he loves.
And, yet, this man standing before him has flown across the country to make sure that Max comes home anyway. They miss him enough that they are willing to take the risk of having him back, rather than do without him any longer.
But Max will never agree. Zan knows it. He feels it.
He has spent the night embracing the connection he now acknowledges to that other him. It has existed for years, but he is finally accepting it, opening himself to it.
He is finally accepting it because there is no choice. He has spent three years refusing to accept what is truth. What he should have known from the night he healed Beth without any sort of connection. What he should have understood from the moment they first made love, and she remained closed off from him. He and Max are connected in a way beyond what Lonnie, and Ava, and Rath feel for their originals.
It is because Beth is the link between them. Zan does not quite understand how it is so, but he knows that it is true. They have both chosen her and, because of it, their connection is stronger than it was ever meant to be.
Zan wonders if Max feels him, too. He wonders if Max knows that Beth has not been alone these past years. He wonders if his original hates him as much as Zan hates Max.
He hates him for having found Beth first, hates him for being the king Langley really wanted. Zan hates him because he knows that he is weaker than Max, that he is unable to give up Beth without a fight. Zan knows that he would not have survived five years in captivity. He hates that Max did, and he does not understand how it was possible. Thinking Beth was dead, as the sheriff told Kyle was true, should have made Max realize that there was nothing left to live for.
Zan's original lived. He lives. He lives, he is staying away, but he is still coming between Zan and Beth, and Zan hates him for it.
Zan hates that he loves Max for it. That he admires him, and that he knows that Max deserves to come home.
He hates that he knows that whatever hope he had that Beth might choose him is fruitless. Because Max staying away will only make those who love him more determined to bring him back, out of his solitary hell.
Zan knows that Max is living in hell. He knows that he cannot bear feeling it for the rest of his life. Even if he does win Beth in the end, Zan will always feel Max, and know that he has won his life only because another was stronger.
"It's dangerous for you to be here," the sheriff tells him gruffly. Zan blinks, forcing himself to pay attention to the older man.
"What do you mean?"
"One of the reasons that Max isn't coming back is because he's scared the FBI is watching his friends. They might mistake you for him," the sheriff tells him. "You're putting yourself in jeopardy by being here."
Zan feels a rush of horror. The sheriff is right. How has this thought never crossed his mind? He is not scared for himself, but he is frightened for his siblings. Until now, the FBI has thought that Max is the only alien, or so Michael told him last night. If the FBI thinks he is Max, and follows him home, they will see Ava, and Lonnie, and Rath. They will know that Tess, and Isabel, and Michael are living in the hotel. They will understand that they are all different. They will all be exposed.
Everything that Max has done, everything he has survived to keep his friends safe, will have been in vain.
The sheriff seems to sense Zan's shocked bewilderment, because he grasps him by the arm and propels him into the elevator. "We'll just go upstairs. It's all right, son. We'll figure this out."
As the elevator climbs to the top floor, Zan begins to feel a mounting dread. If they have been watching Max's friends, the FBI must already be aware that Beth is alive. She is in more danger than anyone, because they must know that she is the one person they can threaten who will bring Max out of hiding. In fact, it is likely that they believe that it is Beth that has caused Max to break out of his prison. Because, after five years, why else would he have done it?
It is a question that Zan has already asked himself. Why now? Why, after five years, has Max Evans finally decided to free himself? Zan senses that his original is unaware that Beth lives. In fact, the sheriff confirmed it to his son on the phone last night. So, why now? He wonders if he will ever meet Max, because it is a question to which he would like an answer.
"Do you know where Max is?" Zan asks the sheriff, because he is beginning to realize that it is only a matter of time until he meets his original face to face.
"I'm sure he suspected I was tracing his call," the sheriff replies evenly. "He's likely gone by now."
"Where was he?"
"Up north," the sheriff tells him. "We'll start there."
Zan is aware that the sheriff is watching him. He does not look back, but stares at the numbers as they climb steadily. The doors of the elevator open a moment later, and Zan steps out.
The sheriff follows. "Zan."
Zan pauses, grimaces before turning around. "Yeah?"
"I've learned my lesson about judging things I don't understand," the sheriff tells him carefully. "Those kids have, too. If you're anything like Max Evans, then I know that you're going to do the right thing."
Zan feels momentarily angry. "You mean give Beth up." He knows that he has no say in the matter, really - that the choice is up to Beth. But it still hurts that they all are so sure about what will happen; who she will end up with. She does not even remember Max Evans!
"That's not what I mean," the sheriff says patiently. Zan stares at him, surprised. "What's between you and Liz is your business. I'm talking about something different. I have a feeling that you know how to help us find Max."
Zan looks down, then shrugs. "Maybe."
"If you know anything, you need to help us," the sheriff tells him firmly. "Max is stubborn. He won't let us find him. We need help."
Zan meets the older man's piercing blue eyes. "What if Max doesn't want to be found? He told you that. I feel it."
"What Max wants, and what he needs, are two completely different things," the sheriff replies grimly. "That young man has been through enough pain to last ten lifetimes. I, for one, will not allow it to continue. If he stays alone, it will. I took an oath to protect people. Even if it's from themselves. Max Evans does not deserve to lose everything. Not forever. Not because of a scumbag like Pierce."
"But isn't Max right? Won't Pierce just come after everyone Max cares about?" Won't he come after everyone I care about? Zan reflects. He is in tune with his original; thinks that, were he in Max's position, he would do the same thing.
"I've had five years to think about how to deal with Pierce," the sheriff tells him. "Don't you worry about him. We'll cross that bridge when we come to it." He eyes Zan, who does not feel reassured. Because who is the sheriff, really? He has not found Max in five years, and he will not be able to deal with Pierce when the time comes.
If Max Evans has not dealt with Pierce, then how can Sheriff Valenti ever hope to?
Zan wonders, why has Max never escaped before now? He has refined his gifts enough that he shut out Isabel's dreamwalks, made them all think he was dead. Why has he not taken care of Pierce?
There can only be one answer. Max chose to stay in captivity. And Zan is even beginning to think that he knows why. It has been confirmed from the phone call to the sheriff that Max still thinks Beth is dead. He blames himself because of it. He is punishing himself. He is doing exactly what Zan would do if he were in his position.
Max Evans needs to know that Beth is alive so that he can take care of Pierce once and for all. But Max will never know unless he is found. And, yet, Zan suspects that Max already does know, if only subconsciously. Because why else would he have chosen now to escape?
He is being drawn to Beth like a moth to a flame, even though he doesn't know it.
"Will you help us?"
Zan looks away, then shrugs again. Because, really, he already knows that the choice has been made. His own conscience has already decided for him.
The connection has already decided for him. His understanding of Max has already decided. His fear for his friends and family, if Pierce is not dealt with, has decided. Max will not take care of Pierce until he knows that Beth is alive. And Max is the only one who can do it.
In that instant, complete understanding floods Zan's mind. He feels his heart start to thud in his chest.
He and Max are the same. Max is not the only one who can do it.
The sheriff seems satisfied that Zan has not rejected his request outright. He strides away, then knocks on the door of the penthouse suite.
Zan stares after him, frozen. He knows that if he steps through that door, he is crossing the point of no return. When he sets eyes on Beth again, the truth will be irrevocably exposed. He will know, before she even speaks, that she has already chosen Max.
He cannot bear it. And, yet, he cannot stand in the way. He has to find Max, because he cannot allow Beth to be unhappy either. Beth has never really known happiness in the three years they have spent together. Zan knows this. Deep down, he has always known it. He was never quite right for her, although she always tried to hide it.
But Zan also does not know if he can just step gracefully aside when Max returns.
Understanding begins to take root. He must do it now. He must make the break.
He cannot see her again.
Which leaves only one option.
Abruptly, Zan returns to the elevator, punching the button to close the door.
As the elevator starts its descent, he closes his eyes, slumping against the back wall. For one moment he allows himself to feel weak.
He misses her already. Which makes him realize that he has finally understood exactly what is supposed to happen here. Because he can not live like this. He knows that it will not get better. He will not get over her. He will not be able to just let her be with someone else - even if it is another him. And he knows already that she will not choose him.
He finally understands exactly what it is that drew him to her, from the first moment he laid eyes on her. He finally understands exactly why he always felt like he was waiting for her.
It was not about her at all. It was decided long ago, on another planet, before he was even created.
He is the second. He is meant to take the king's place. Just not with her.
In the end, he was meant to love her, so that he would change. So that he would be ready.
He was meant to love her so that he would want to do exactly what he is doing.
He was meant to love her so that he would not want to live without her.
He is fortune's fool.
But it is his destiny and he will embrace it. Because, even if he understands that he has been set up, he does not want to live without her.
It is what is.
Zan stares into the mirrored walls of the elevator. He reaches up and runs a hand through his long dark hair. He tilts his head, examines what he has done, wonders if it is right.
It has to be. It is destiny. The wrong hair cannot screw up what is meant to be.
When he steps out of the elevator, Zan's eyes are drawn to the man sitting in the lobby. He wonders how he did not notice him before. The man pretends to be reading a newspaper, but Zan knows that he is not.
As Zan walks over to the man, he remembers when Langley first told them about destiny.
"You are the replacements, the duplicates, the back-ups. You have no destiny unless their destiny is compromised. Only then will you take their place."
He meets the man's eyes, and says firmly, "I'm ready to go back."
