Part 13

One morning, he wakes up after another dreamless night and knows that this is the day he will escape.

He has sensed for a while that Pierce is tired of him; that he is no longer invested in making Max's life a living hell. He has been prodded, dissected, tortured for even existing. But he has provided Pierce with no real answers. Which means that, soon, if he stays, Max will be dead.

He is not ready to die. He does not deserve the peace that death will provide. This is his first understanding of why he decides to escape.

But, deep inside, there is also another small part of him. Eventually this small part wins out over the part of him that insists he feel guilty. This part truly wants to live, and it is not all about self-blame over what happened to Liz. It is the small part that knows Liz would be angry if she knew that he is punishing himself. This small part also knows that the dreams that used to come - where Liz haunted him and blamed him for her death - were not really of Liz at all.

Liz loved him. Liz would not want him to suffer. Liz died so that he could be saved.

It is then that he truly understands why he feels so much culpability. He has allowed Pierce to keep him for five years, and he has made no attempt to escape. Liz sacrificed her life to make sure that this would never happen. By allowing Pierce to keep him, he has failed her again. It is because of this sudden epiphany, when he stops feeling sorry for himself, that he decides he must flee. He must get away because it is what Liz would want.

He has always known that he is not meant to die in the White Room. He is meant to suffer here. He is meant to be punished. But, now, he senses that he is meant to live. That his time here is done.

Life out there will not be the life he has always wanted. It will not be the life of dreams and "what-ifs," but it will be a life that honours Liz Parker and exactly how much she gave up to make sure he survived.

He will not go home. Home is not safe. It is not safe for anyone if he returns to Roswell. He has always hoped that his other loved ones are living happy lives; that they have moved on. If he returns to them, if this is true, it will stop being so.

He will escape, he will live. He will not let Pierce kill him, which would make Liz's ultimate gift meaningless. He will not allow Pierce to win in that way.

He will live. He will live, but he knows that he will not be happy.

He knows it is what Liz would want - for him to feel joy again - but it is the one gift he cannot give her. Because, the irony of the gift she gave him - her life - is that he can never be content without her.

But, he can live.

***

"What do you mean he left?" Beth stares at Kyle's father in disbelief. "You asked him to help, he agreed, and then he just left?"

She does not understand. It is not like Zan. She has told these people that he will help them. She has trusted him to help them find Max. She knows it is asking too much of him, but she also knows that he will do it. It is not in him to refuse her.

Was he upset that the sheriff asked, and not her? How can he not know that she would have asked him herself, if he had come to see her?

Does he think that she does not want to talk to him? Because it is not true. She loves him still, in spite of everything. She dreads having to tell him that it is not enough - that she has never been able to completely give herself to him because Max already holds the place in her heart that Zan wants - but Zan must know that, at least, she loves him.

She knows that something is wrong. She knows Zan. He would help. He is not selfish. He never has been. He always thinks of his family first, and she is part of his family. He is not cruel. He knows how much they want to find Max, and he knows how much Max must need them. He would not turn his back on any of this, even if he is upset and hurt.

"Just what I said," the sheriff replies, sounding sad. He does not seem angry, like the others do. But the others do not know Zan. The sheriff, though - even from their short interaction - seems more understanding of him. He meets Beth's eyes, his concern obvious.

"We need to find him," Beth says firmly. "He's going to do something stupid."

The sheriff closes his eyes briefly, taking a deep breath. "I was afraid you were going to say that."

"Something stupider than pretending he didn't know who you were? Maybe he's hiding, so that he can keep up his stellar record of being completely selfish," Isabel snaps. Max's sister is pacing across the room, obviously upset, her last hope that they will find Max beginning to dwindle again.

"Isabel." Beth says the other woman's name softly, but in a way that makes Isabel stop in her tracks. "You told me that you and Lonnie are mostly the same. It has even been proven, I think. Why is it so hard for you to accept that Max and Zan might be, too? Would your brother just hide when someone was in trouble?"

Isabel glances at Michael. It is Michael who replies, sounding angry. "You already know the answer to that, Liz. Max exposed himself to save you. And, you're wrong. We're nothing like them."

"You are," Beth replies, beginning to get angry, too. She has done her best to understand these people - to understand why they are so resentful of their duplicates - but they have made absolutely no effort to try to do the same. They have made no effort to try to understand that she loves Zan, and Lonnie, and Rath, and Ava for themselves, too. That, in spite of Isabel's insightful words of the night before - words Beth acknowledges - the past three years have not just been about replacing those she lost.

How can they understand, when you yourself have decided that you must completely reject them to go back to your old life?

Beth feels a flash of guilt, understanding that it will never be that simple. Because, in the end, she does love them all. She loves them differently, but they are all important to her.

And, because of it - because they are all going to be a part of her life - they are just going to have to learn to accept each other.

"You just grew up loved," Beth continues, more gently. "That's the only difference."

"That is the biggest crock I have ever heard!" Michael exclaims, making Beth jump. "We are not interchangeable! I don't give a shit what you think, Liz, or Beth, or whoever the hell you are. They will never be like us!"

The room falls silent after this outburst. Beth knows that her eyes are wide, because, for the first time, she understands that the resentment the Roswellians feel toward their duplicates is about more than just her. Because Michael's intense anger can not just be about her. From the history she was told, they were never that close. They trusted each other, but they were not best friends, by any means.

However, Beth also knows that Michael will never tell her. So, she looks first at Alex, and then Kyle. She even glances at the sheriff, but he seems just as surprised by Michael's fury as Beth feels. Even Maria looks shocked.

"What is this about?" she finally asks Tess quietly, because Isabel has her arms crossed and her chin is set mutinously. Michael is panting, trying his best to leash his anger, but he is finding it difficult. Finally, he storms across the room, throwing open the door to the balcony, as though fresh air might help.

Tess grimaces, looking reluctant. She glances at Isabel. Max's sister sighs heavily and collapses into the sofa. She finally opens her mouth and says, "He tried to replace Max."

Beth is confused. "Who did? Zan? I told you! He didn't know about me and Max."

Isabel rolls her eyes. "While I still don't completely buy that Zan didn't suspect, I do believe that he didn't completely know. I'm not talking about him, though. I'm talking about Langley."

Beth starts. "Langley?" She knows that the Roswellians met the New York aliens' guardian, of course, but what does he have to do with anything?

"When Langley came to Roswell," Tess explains, "His only goal was to get back home. He didn't care that Max was gone. He wanted to go anyway, and he wanted us to take Zan with us. He wanted us to just accept Zan, as if there had never been a Max."

"But how is that Zan's fault?" Beth asks. "You never even met him before yesterday. I mean, obviously he never tried to take Max's place himself."

"Maybe not on purpose." Tess shrugs. "But, Liz, he did take Max's place. With you. Which is the one thing we absolutely know would kill Max."

Beth looks at Isabel sharply. "You told me that Max wouldn't care!"

Isabel is glaring at Tess, who looks like she wants to sink into the floor. "Tess doesn't know what she's talking about," Max's sister reassures her firmly. "She barely knew Max before he was taken."

Tess is upset. "That's true," she admits quietly. "But I know how much he loved you, Liz. I was the one he rejected for you, after all." She looks at Kyle quickly, but he doesn't seem perturbed. He obviously knows Tess very well and just smiles reassuringly at her. This seems to give the small blonde strength to continue, because she adds, "And I also know that I didn't want Zan to replace Max either."

Beth sighs. She understands that no report she receives of Max - and what he might or might not feel - will ever be as accurate as the one that she would be able to provide for herself, if she had her memory. She was the one who knew him best. She hopes that someday it will be true again.

"You never told us any of this," Alex says, breaking into the silence that has fallen. He does not sound angry, or upset, just sad. "Why, Isabel?"

"It was between the three of us," Isabel replies quietly. "We never even talked about it, after we told Langley to go screw himself." Beth's eyes widen. Isabel's language is unlike her. It, more than anything, indicates to Beth how much Langley's attempt to replace Max with Zan affected the Roswellians.

"We didn't talk about it, because we didn't want to think about it," Tess adds. "The fact that Max needed to be replaced at all. We failed him. He was dead because we hadn't been strong enough to save him."

"That wasn't your fault," the sheriff breaks in, sounding stern. "You were children. Tess, I've told you this a thousand times!"

"I know," Tess says quietly. "But we can't help the way we feel. We were supposed to be a team - a unit. And we failed him when he needed us most."

"No, I did," the sheriff insists. "It was because of me that the FBI knew about Max. If I'd just left him alone, none of this would have happened."

"Dad..." Kyle sounds tired, as though this is an argument they have had many times before. "It wasn't your fault. You changed your mind. You did your best to protect him."

"None of us blame you, Sheriff," Isabel adds. "Michael told you himself that Max trusted you."

"Well, that didn't help him much, did it?" the sheriff demands.

"Okay, would you all just stop?" Maria interjects. She has been listening quietly, but now she is crying. "None of you are to blame! There is only one person to blame, and that's Pierce. Do you think that Max wants you all to sit around feeling guilty?" She looks at Liz. "I'm almost glad you don't remember, Liz, because you would be the worst of the bunch if you did."

Beth presses her lips together. She does not dare tell Maria that she already feels to blame, even without her memory.

"Max is irreplaceable," Maria continues. "We all know that. But that doesn't make Zan bad. Langley was a complete bastard. We all know that, too." She looks at Isabel. "He left you guys high and dry. I mean, he took your only way back to your planet."

"We didn't want to go," Tess reminds her, sounding a little tentative.

"I know that, Tess, but that doesn't mean he had the right to steal it!" Maria exclaims. "The granolith belonged to you."

"What is the granolith?" Beth asks. Because she knows that Zan, and Lonnie, and Rath have always wanted to know.

"It was a spaceship," Tess replies. "Langley stole it and took off when we told him we wouldn't just accept Zan and go back with him."

Beth feels disappointed, because she knows that Zan will be when he finds out. She thinks that he and his siblings always envisioned the granolith as being something more than a mere spaceship. They always spoke of it in soft tones, almost reverently. She has never known what they think it is, but she feels that it must be more than a return journey to a place they did not want to go anyway.

Zan has never wanted to go back to Antar. She knows it, and she knows that the others feel the same way. Antar has always represented Langley's rejection of them. She never knew why their guardian left them, until she knew about Max and the Roswell aliens, but she knows that their guardian's desertion hurt Zan. It has affected his life far more than he would ever tell even her.

She closes her eyes. It has suddenly occurred to her that this fact must make her rejection of him in favour of Max even more painful. Because it is not the first time it has happened to him.

She cannot ask him to help find Max.

She realizes it suddenly, and with the awareness comes a sense of relief; a sense that she if finally doing the right thing. She cannot be so cruel. Zan has been forced to deal with enough recently. She cannot ask this of him, too. She was selfish to even contemplate it.

It is up to her to find Max. She knows that she can do it. They even know where to start, thanks to the sheriff. Max probably has moved on from where the sheriff traced the call, but he is out there, and because of it, they will find him.

"Liz, what?"

She blinks, focusing on Alex, who seems to be the only one aware of the determined expression she knows has crossed her face.

"We can't ask Zan for help," Beth replies simply. "We just can't. We have to do this on our own."

"But, Liz, how?" Isabel demands, sounding a little impatient.

"Exactly how we tried last night," Beth tells her patiently.

"Dreamwalk?" Tess says, sounding a little scornful, although Beth knows she does not mean to - it is just Tess's way. "Liz, it already didn't work."

Liz meets the small blonde's eyes seriously. "I don't care what happened last night. I think I was distracted then." She looks back at Isabel. "With all that you told me about connections and stuff. It only makes sense that I was a little overwhelmed."

Isabel seems unconvinced. "I don't know."

"Can it hurt anything?" the sheriff asks. Beth smiles at him gratefully. "We're heading for Canada tomorrow morning anyway. It's worth another try, isn't it?"

Isabel straightens her spine slightly. "I guess so," she replies. "I mean, I don't want to sit around and wait anyway."

Beth sighs with relief. "Great."

"We'll eat dinner, and then we'll give it a try," Isabel suggests. "He's probably not asleep yet."

As the group begins to separate to prepare for dinner, Maria stays close to Beth. Finally, when everyone is out of ear-shot, she whispers, "Liz, what about Zan? Are you going to try to talk to him tonight?"

Beth looks down, sighing again. "I guess not. I'll give him the night. If he wanted to talk to me, he would have come in...right?"

Maria frowns. "I guess so. You know him, I don't."

"I think he just needs some time," Beth tells her. She does not know quite how to describe what she is feeling about Zan at the moment. She feels sad, and guilty, but also a little relieved that he has taken the decision about whether to talk to him tonight out of her hands.

She will call him in the morning, before they leave for Canada. By then, she will have figured out exactly what to say.

Because the last thing she wants is to hurt him anymore than he already has been. If there is anyone on the Earth who does not deserve it, it is Zan.