Part 19
After her breakfast with the sheriff, Beth does not want to return to the suite. She is still not ready for the questions that will come, nor the silences that will follow. Kyle's father insists that she cannot go to meet Max alone, and Beth knows that he will not be swayed, so she agrees to wait for him. After all, someone has to go back up to the room to explain. She cannot just disappear on them again. It would be too cruel, even though she knows she will see them later. Hopefully, with Max.
No, not hopefully. Certainly. She knows he is coming. She can almost feel her heart lightening as the hours pass. She can feel the miles disappearing between them, and she knows that soon she will finally understand what it is between her and the mysterious man who haunts her dreams.
Because he is a man now. He was a boy when she knew him, but now he is not. And she is aware that even if she still had her memory, she would not really know him at all anymore. He has been through hell in the past five years, and even if she remembered him from anything other than her dreams, he will be different.
He will be different, but he will be Max. She does not remember what that means, but she knows that it means everything.
She also knows that he will understand her need to save Zan in a way that no one up in that suite ever can. She knows this, and she is counting on it.
He will help her. And, once Zan is safe, they can figure out exactly where that leaves all of them. Because, while she intellectually understands the sheriff's argument that giving himself up was Zan's decision to make, she still cannot accept it, and she needs one last chance to try and change his mind.
What this means for her and Max, she does not know. She still does not know how Max will deal with the fact that, while he was being tortured by a madman for five years, she was sure that she loved his double for three of them. And, yet, still she knows that he will help her.
She remembers what Isabel said the night before.
"Liz, if he's alive, trust me. He will not care. He loves you."
He will care. She knows he will. Isabel is right in a way though. She just left out the most important part. The dream she visited last night reinforced everything she somehow already knew. Something she has always known.
He will care, but he will love her anyway.
Because she senses that this is what their relationship was always about. It is what their relationship will be about. Anyway.
She found out he was an alien. She loved him anyway.
She cannot even remember him, and she loves him anyway.
She has been with another man. She somehow knows that he will still love her anyway.
Zan has given himself up to the FBI to save her from having to choose between him and Max. He has tried to make the decision for her, so that she will not have to live with the guilt of it. But he can not take her guilt away. He has simply replaced it with another kind - a more terrible kind.
The first kind she could have endured, because she knows that there was never any choice to make anyway. It has always been Max. In her dreams, in her life, even with Zan.
Zan cannot take the choice from her, nor the guilt of it. She will not allow it.
She will not allow him to die for her. She crosses her arms mutinously, and starts to tap her foot impatiently. She and Max will save him because Zan is not allowed to make this decision. He is not allowed to die for her. Not that too. Not after all that he's already done for her.
The sheriff's earlier words come drifting through her mind, like a reprimand. Maybe it's not about you at all, Liz.
But he cannot be right. Who else could it possibly be about? Because the sheriff was right about his dissection of Lonnie's cryptic warning - about how she would soon understand why Zan is doing what he is doing. Since she would never understand Zan deliberately killing himself because he can not be with her, it cannot be the reason he is doing this. It is just not his style either. She knows that he is hurt and in pain, but he is not a coward. He is a survivor, and always has been.
This is not about the fact that he knows she will pick Max. She knows that he even understands it. He has more than proven over the past two days that he has always suspected that, just as he had always been waiting for her, she has spent the last three years with him waiting for someone else. He was willing to take what she offered, and she now understands that he was always ready to have to give her up. Why else would he have taken her to Maria's concert, if he was not? He knew, somewhere inside, what he was doing when he took her there. He was giving her back her life, even if he never fully recognized it himself until after it was done.
No, this is not about Zan's pain. And so it has to be about hers - the guilt he thinks she will feel over deserting him for Max. It has to be. There is no other explanation. And it is why she must stop him.
He has no right to take away her guilt.
She and Max are meant for each other. The guilt of not fighting it, even when it hurts others, is a part of the price they pay for knowing it. They have both already given their lives for each other once, leaving their friends and family in pain for five years. The guilt of loving each other more than anything or anyone else is their cross to bear. Because joy and completion of the magnitude she senses they brought - and will bring - to each other must be balanced. Because no love, no matter how perfect and meant to be, can survive untested. It is coming through the fire to the other side that truly defines "connection."
They are guilty and they love each other anyway.
Beth jumps to her feet when the sheriff finally rejoins her. She is impatient, although she knows that it is likely still many hours until Max arrives. She does not care. She wants to go to the meeting place now, so that she does not miss him. She cannot risk missing him.
She cannot risk missing this chance to reclaim control of her life. Because she knows that until she is reunited with Max - until the past is healed - there will be no moving forward. There will be no moving forward for any of them. Especially Zan.
She sighs slightly in affectionate exasperation when she sees that Kyle's father is followed closely by Maria. There is a flash of recognition at the feeling. She deduces that this is not the first time that Maria has confronted her in spite of entreaties to the contrary.
Maria holds her hands up defensively. "Don't say it! I just came down to tell you that we understand. It makes sense that you go do this on your own."
Beth blinks. "How did you know I was going to say anything?"
"Lizzie, c'mon! It's me," Maria grins, but Beth glimpses tears in her blue eyes before her oldest friend reaches out and pulls her into a hug. "Even Isabel gets it. She's not happy about it, but she gets it. It's not safe for any of us to go traipsing around the city until we know for sure that the dupes are gone, and that the Special Unit has skipped town." She pulls back. "Are you okay?"
"No," Beth replies honestly.
"Zan's going to be fine," Maria insists. "I mean, you're right. The only person who can possibly save him from his own stupidity is Max. He's the only one who might potentially know where he's been taken. It's going to work out, Liz. It just has to." She stares at Beth intently. "But, Liz, you guys can't do this on your own. You need to meet Max, and then we're going to meet up with you both to fix this."
"Maria..."
Her friend interrupts. "No ifs, ands or buts about it," she says firmly. She leans forward, and continues softly into Beth's ear. "The tour is headed to Boston. I have to go with it, first because of my contract, but second because we need to throw those bastards off our trail. We need to act normal. Tess, Kyle, Alex and Isabel are staying here. Michael will come with me, but Isabel will call once the plan is set, and we'll meet you wherever."
Beth shakes her head slightly. "Maria..."
"Liz, we've done this before," Maria reminds her. "We're a team. All of us. We're going to help."
She sighs, smiling slightly. The warm glow of affection this woman has engendered since the moment they met again washes over Beth. "Okay. We'll call."
When she and the sheriff leave the hotel moments later, her intention is still firm that she will do so. She will call. These people want to help her. They are not judgmental of Zan after all, nor do they want him dead to protect Max. They want to help. And, because she knows what it feels like to be helpless, she will let them.
She is no longer alone. It feels good.
An hour later, she knows that she will not call. Because an hour later, Lonnie's hinted understanding finally comes, and there is no longer any need to call.
An hour later she knows why Zan has done what he has done, and she knows that she cannot save him.
In the end, the sheriff is right. What Zan has done is not about her at all. But it is not about Zan either.
***
Once you're with Max, leave. Go somewhere safe. You need to leave.
A shiver runs down Beth's spine as she remembers Lonnie's warning. She is sitting on a bench in the bus station where she first arrived in New York. The sheriff is in the restaurant nearby, buying them some lunch.
She does not know how she knows that of all the places where Max might arrive in the city, this is the place, but she does. She has recognized that her life runs in parallels.
This is where she first met Zan and so she knows that it will also be where she will first meet Max again. This is where she first recognized Zan, whom she was really recognizing as Max, and so she knows that this is also where Max must come to reclaim the place that rightfully belongs to him.
She is no longer thinking about this fact though. It is what is. Rather, she is staring at the ticket counter across the way. She is watching a young woman she recognizes buy a ticket.
It turns out to be two tickets. Ava hands them to Beth as she plops down on the seat next to her. "Here. Maine. Thought it might be nice this time of year."
Beth stares down at the two tickets, then back at her friend. "What are you doing here? Where are Lonnie and Rath?"
Ava shrugs. "I'll meet up with 'em later. I need to talk to ya."
"You're going to Maine?" Beth asks. She frowns. "I thought you of all people would want to look for Zan. I don't think he's in Maine, Ava."
"I'm not going to Maine," Ava replies patiently, although Beth already knows what she's going to say. Ava knows it too, but she is willing to play the game. "You're going to Maine. You and Max."
"No. I'm not," Beth replies evenly. "After Max gets back, we're going to find Zan."
Ava smiles sadly. "I told Lonnie you wouldn't just accept it. That's why I came. You need to know."
Beth feels her heart start to beat more quickly. "Are you going to tell me what I'm supposed to understand about this whole situation?" She hears her voice rising, but she cannot stop it. "Are you going to try and pretend that you understand this, Ava? Because I know you don't either. We can't just let him do this!"
She feels Ava's blue eyes steady on her face. Zan's "sister" waits for Beth to get a hold of herself. She takes deep breaths, knowing that she is scared to hear it, which is why she is getting angry. She does not want to hear it. Because she realizes that Lonnie was right. What she is about to hear is going to change everything. And if she lets it, then Zan is as good as dead.
She knows this, and yet she calms down and she lets Ava speak again. When she does, the blonde says something Beth does not expect. "Have you thought about the feds, Beth? I mean, do you know what they do to aliens when they catch 'em?"
"Do you?" Beth whispers, her heart thundering. Why is Ava torturing her like this? Is she finally exacting her revenge because Zan loves Beth and not her?
But Ava's expression is innocent. It always has been, and it still is.
"I know," Ava says quietly. "Langley told us about lots of stuff they did to him. And Zan...he told Lonnie."
Beth stares. "What do you mean?"
"In the dreamwalk," Ava elaborates. "He told her about what they did to Max."
"Are they doing it to him?" Beth demands, her fear for Zan increasing again, although she does not know how that is possible.
"No," Ava replies. "He won't let 'em. He's going down long before any of that can happen." She looks away briefly. "He lied to me. He told me he was coming back, but once Lonnie told me what he told her, I know he ain't. He ain't ever coming back, Beth, and you need to accept it."
Beth is confused, and she is starting to feel panicked again. This information is jumbled, and she can make no sense of it. "Ava, why are you bringing up what the FBI did to Max? What does that have to do with anything? And how does Zan even know?"
"Through the connection," Ava explains. "Through you. He knows because you know. You and Max...you're the real deal. And because you are, Zan feels it too. He knows everything that happened to Max."
Beth is shocked. "Everything?" She feels sick. She has tried not to think about what has happened to Max. There just has not been time, and she knows that there will be many years ahead to help him move past it. But first they must be together.
What she cannot understand though is how Zan has given himself up like this, even though he knew exactly what he was getting himself into. What is driving him? She can no longer believe that it is just about her. This is just too much.
Ava reaches out and takes her hand, obviously struggling not to cry. "One of the first things...they just wanted to make sure that there wouldn't be any more like him."
Beth shakes her head. She pretends not to understand, but she fears that she is beginning to all too well. "They don't know about any of you. They don't know about Isabel, or Michael, or Tess."
"That ain't it," Ava says, now impatient. "Any more like Max. They knew how he felt about you, Beth. They used you to torture him. In more ways than one."
And suddenly, abruptly, Beth understands. "Are you talking about children? Is that what you mean?"
Ava nods. "He can't have 'em. They made sure of it."
Beth lowers her head, tears filling her eyes. Her heart is crying out to him. Max! What have they done to you? How have you borne it? She does not want to think about what any of this means, but she knows that soon she will be face to face with it. Soon he will be here, and she will be strong for him.
He needs her. And, finally, she thinks she understands why Zan has done what he has done. It was not for her, it was not for him. It was for Max. His original, his king.
His other self.
Can she accept this sacrifice for Max's sake? Is this supposed to be what she understands? But she has already thought of this. Plus Zan must know that Max will not accept such a sacrifice on his behalf anyway. After all, they are very much the same. No, this cannot be the truth for which she is so desperately searching.
Ava is waiting for her to put the pieces together and, finally, when the only conclusion presents itself, she does.
"Max can't have children," she says. She closes her eyes, swallowing. "Zan is his replacement." She meets Ava's eyes, bringing her hand to her abdomen.
Ava nods, then says gently, "It's true. And it's why you need to get out of here. You need to protect it."
Beth does not know what to say. Her emotions are in turmoil. She is shocked. She is bewildered. She is dismayed. She is afraid.
And, yet, her heart does not know any of this. Her heart has started to beat again, having grown already to include the small life she now knows is on its way.
"Do you understand now?" Ava asks. "Will you let him go?"
"Is...He knows?" Beth whispers, tears streaming down her face.
"Of course. He told Lonnie."
They sit in silence for several long minutes. Beth stares blankly ahead. She notes inanely that the sheriff is standing across the way, watching them, a pair of sandwiches in his hands. He does not approach.
The silence is not a matter of Beth thinking of a way out of this mess. Because she can no longer consider it one. It is not a mess. It is a small miracle born out of tragedy and despair, and she knows that Zan thinks so too. She now understands why Zan has done what he has done and she knows that there is no way to save him. He has taken the only path open to him and she cannot stop him. Max cannot stop him. No one can stop him.
And, yet, it still takes every single shred of strength she possesses to whisper, "God help me, I have to. I have to let him go."
After her breakfast with the sheriff, Beth does not want to return to the suite. She is still not ready for the questions that will come, nor the silences that will follow. Kyle's father insists that she cannot go to meet Max alone, and Beth knows that he will not be swayed, so she agrees to wait for him. After all, someone has to go back up to the room to explain. She cannot just disappear on them again. It would be too cruel, even though she knows she will see them later. Hopefully, with Max.
No, not hopefully. Certainly. She knows he is coming. She can almost feel her heart lightening as the hours pass. She can feel the miles disappearing between them, and she knows that soon she will finally understand what it is between her and the mysterious man who haunts her dreams.
Because he is a man now. He was a boy when she knew him, but now he is not. And she is aware that even if she still had her memory, she would not really know him at all anymore. He has been through hell in the past five years, and even if she remembered him from anything other than her dreams, he will be different.
He will be different, but he will be Max. She does not remember what that means, but she knows that it means everything.
She also knows that he will understand her need to save Zan in a way that no one up in that suite ever can. She knows this, and she is counting on it.
He will help her. And, once Zan is safe, they can figure out exactly where that leaves all of them. Because, while she intellectually understands the sheriff's argument that giving himself up was Zan's decision to make, she still cannot accept it, and she needs one last chance to try and change his mind.
What this means for her and Max, she does not know. She still does not know how Max will deal with the fact that, while he was being tortured by a madman for five years, she was sure that she loved his double for three of them. And, yet, still she knows that he will help her.
She remembers what Isabel said the night before.
"Liz, if he's alive, trust me. He will not care. He loves you."
He will care. She knows he will. Isabel is right in a way though. She just left out the most important part. The dream she visited last night reinforced everything she somehow already knew. Something she has always known.
He will care, but he will love her anyway.
Because she senses that this is what their relationship was always about. It is what their relationship will be about. Anyway.
She found out he was an alien. She loved him anyway.
She cannot even remember him, and she loves him anyway.
She has been with another man. She somehow knows that he will still love her anyway.
Zan has given himself up to the FBI to save her from having to choose between him and Max. He has tried to make the decision for her, so that she will not have to live with the guilt of it. But he can not take her guilt away. He has simply replaced it with another kind - a more terrible kind.
The first kind she could have endured, because she knows that there was never any choice to make anyway. It has always been Max. In her dreams, in her life, even with Zan.
Zan cannot take the choice from her, nor the guilt of it. She will not allow it.
She will not allow him to die for her. She crosses her arms mutinously, and starts to tap her foot impatiently. She and Max will save him because Zan is not allowed to make this decision. He is not allowed to die for her. Not that too. Not after all that he's already done for her.
The sheriff's earlier words come drifting through her mind, like a reprimand. Maybe it's not about you at all, Liz.
But he cannot be right. Who else could it possibly be about? Because the sheriff was right about his dissection of Lonnie's cryptic warning - about how she would soon understand why Zan is doing what he is doing. Since she would never understand Zan deliberately killing himself because he can not be with her, it cannot be the reason he is doing this. It is just not his style either. She knows that he is hurt and in pain, but he is not a coward. He is a survivor, and always has been.
This is not about the fact that he knows she will pick Max. She knows that he even understands it. He has more than proven over the past two days that he has always suspected that, just as he had always been waiting for her, she has spent the last three years with him waiting for someone else. He was willing to take what she offered, and she now understands that he was always ready to have to give her up. Why else would he have taken her to Maria's concert, if he was not? He knew, somewhere inside, what he was doing when he took her there. He was giving her back her life, even if he never fully recognized it himself until after it was done.
No, this is not about Zan's pain. And so it has to be about hers - the guilt he thinks she will feel over deserting him for Max. It has to be. There is no other explanation. And it is why she must stop him.
He has no right to take away her guilt.
She and Max are meant for each other. The guilt of not fighting it, even when it hurts others, is a part of the price they pay for knowing it. They have both already given their lives for each other once, leaving their friends and family in pain for five years. The guilt of loving each other more than anything or anyone else is their cross to bear. Because joy and completion of the magnitude she senses they brought - and will bring - to each other must be balanced. Because no love, no matter how perfect and meant to be, can survive untested. It is coming through the fire to the other side that truly defines "connection."
They are guilty and they love each other anyway.
Beth jumps to her feet when the sheriff finally rejoins her. She is impatient, although she knows that it is likely still many hours until Max arrives. She does not care. She wants to go to the meeting place now, so that she does not miss him. She cannot risk missing him.
She cannot risk missing this chance to reclaim control of her life. Because she knows that until she is reunited with Max - until the past is healed - there will be no moving forward. There will be no moving forward for any of them. Especially Zan.
She sighs slightly in affectionate exasperation when she sees that Kyle's father is followed closely by Maria. There is a flash of recognition at the feeling. She deduces that this is not the first time that Maria has confronted her in spite of entreaties to the contrary.
Maria holds her hands up defensively. "Don't say it! I just came down to tell you that we understand. It makes sense that you go do this on your own."
Beth blinks. "How did you know I was going to say anything?"
"Lizzie, c'mon! It's me," Maria grins, but Beth glimpses tears in her blue eyes before her oldest friend reaches out and pulls her into a hug. "Even Isabel gets it. She's not happy about it, but she gets it. It's not safe for any of us to go traipsing around the city until we know for sure that the dupes are gone, and that the Special Unit has skipped town." She pulls back. "Are you okay?"
"No," Beth replies honestly.
"Zan's going to be fine," Maria insists. "I mean, you're right. The only person who can possibly save him from his own stupidity is Max. He's the only one who might potentially know where he's been taken. It's going to work out, Liz. It just has to." She stares at Beth intently. "But, Liz, you guys can't do this on your own. You need to meet Max, and then we're going to meet up with you both to fix this."
"Maria..."
Her friend interrupts. "No ifs, ands or buts about it," she says firmly. She leans forward, and continues softly into Beth's ear. "The tour is headed to Boston. I have to go with it, first because of my contract, but second because we need to throw those bastards off our trail. We need to act normal. Tess, Kyle, Alex and Isabel are staying here. Michael will come with me, but Isabel will call once the plan is set, and we'll meet you wherever."
Beth shakes her head slightly. "Maria..."
"Liz, we've done this before," Maria reminds her. "We're a team. All of us. We're going to help."
She sighs, smiling slightly. The warm glow of affection this woman has engendered since the moment they met again washes over Beth. "Okay. We'll call."
When she and the sheriff leave the hotel moments later, her intention is still firm that she will do so. She will call. These people want to help her. They are not judgmental of Zan after all, nor do they want him dead to protect Max. They want to help. And, because she knows what it feels like to be helpless, she will let them.
She is no longer alone. It feels good.
An hour later, she knows that she will not call. Because an hour later, Lonnie's hinted understanding finally comes, and there is no longer any need to call.
An hour later she knows why Zan has done what he has done, and she knows that she cannot save him.
In the end, the sheriff is right. What Zan has done is not about her at all. But it is not about Zan either.
***
Once you're with Max, leave. Go somewhere safe. You need to leave.
A shiver runs down Beth's spine as she remembers Lonnie's warning. She is sitting on a bench in the bus station where she first arrived in New York. The sheriff is in the restaurant nearby, buying them some lunch.
She does not know how she knows that of all the places where Max might arrive in the city, this is the place, but she does. She has recognized that her life runs in parallels.
This is where she first met Zan and so she knows that it will also be where she will first meet Max again. This is where she first recognized Zan, whom she was really recognizing as Max, and so she knows that this is also where Max must come to reclaim the place that rightfully belongs to him.
She is no longer thinking about this fact though. It is what is. Rather, she is staring at the ticket counter across the way. She is watching a young woman she recognizes buy a ticket.
It turns out to be two tickets. Ava hands them to Beth as she plops down on the seat next to her. "Here. Maine. Thought it might be nice this time of year."
Beth stares down at the two tickets, then back at her friend. "What are you doing here? Where are Lonnie and Rath?"
Ava shrugs. "I'll meet up with 'em later. I need to talk to ya."
"You're going to Maine?" Beth asks. She frowns. "I thought you of all people would want to look for Zan. I don't think he's in Maine, Ava."
"I'm not going to Maine," Ava replies patiently, although Beth already knows what she's going to say. Ava knows it too, but she is willing to play the game. "You're going to Maine. You and Max."
"No. I'm not," Beth replies evenly. "After Max gets back, we're going to find Zan."
Ava smiles sadly. "I told Lonnie you wouldn't just accept it. That's why I came. You need to know."
Beth feels her heart start to beat more quickly. "Are you going to tell me what I'm supposed to understand about this whole situation?" She hears her voice rising, but she cannot stop it. "Are you going to try and pretend that you understand this, Ava? Because I know you don't either. We can't just let him do this!"
She feels Ava's blue eyes steady on her face. Zan's "sister" waits for Beth to get a hold of herself. She takes deep breaths, knowing that she is scared to hear it, which is why she is getting angry. She does not want to hear it. Because she realizes that Lonnie was right. What she is about to hear is going to change everything. And if she lets it, then Zan is as good as dead.
She knows this, and yet she calms down and she lets Ava speak again. When she does, the blonde says something Beth does not expect. "Have you thought about the feds, Beth? I mean, do you know what they do to aliens when they catch 'em?"
"Do you?" Beth whispers, her heart thundering. Why is Ava torturing her like this? Is she finally exacting her revenge because Zan loves Beth and not her?
But Ava's expression is innocent. It always has been, and it still is.
"I know," Ava says quietly. "Langley told us about lots of stuff they did to him. And Zan...he told Lonnie."
Beth stares. "What do you mean?"
"In the dreamwalk," Ava elaborates. "He told her about what they did to Max."
"Are they doing it to him?" Beth demands, her fear for Zan increasing again, although she does not know how that is possible.
"No," Ava replies. "He won't let 'em. He's going down long before any of that can happen." She looks away briefly. "He lied to me. He told me he was coming back, but once Lonnie told me what he told her, I know he ain't. He ain't ever coming back, Beth, and you need to accept it."
Beth is confused, and she is starting to feel panicked again. This information is jumbled, and she can make no sense of it. "Ava, why are you bringing up what the FBI did to Max? What does that have to do with anything? And how does Zan even know?"
"Through the connection," Ava explains. "Through you. He knows because you know. You and Max...you're the real deal. And because you are, Zan feels it too. He knows everything that happened to Max."
Beth is shocked. "Everything?" She feels sick. She has tried not to think about what has happened to Max. There just has not been time, and she knows that there will be many years ahead to help him move past it. But first they must be together.
What she cannot understand though is how Zan has given himself up like this, even though he knew exactly what he was getting himself into. What is driving him? She can no longer believe that it is just about her. This is just too much.
Ava reaches out and takes her hand, obviously struggling not to cry. "One of the first things...they just wanted to make sure that there wouldn't be any more like him."
Beth shakes her head. She pretends not to understand, but she fears that she is beginning to all too well. "They don't know about any of you. They don't know about Isabel, or Michael, or Tess."
"That ain't it," Ava says, now impatient. "Any more like Max. They knew how he felt about you, Beth. They used you to torture him. In more ways than one."
And suddenly, abruptly, Beth understands. "Are you talking about children? Is that what you mean?"
Ava nods. "He can't have 'em. They made sure of it."
Beth lowers her head, tears filling her eyes. Her heart is crying out to him. Max! What have they done to you? How have you borne it? She does not want to think about what any of this means, but she knows that soon she will be face to face with it. Soon he will be here, and she will be strong for him.
He needs her. And, finally, she thinks she understands why Zan has done what he has done. It was not for her, it was not for him. It was for Max. His original, his king.
His other self.
Can she accept this sacrifice for Max's sake? Is this supposed to be what she understands? But she has already thought of this. Plus Zan must know that Max will not accept such a sacrifice on his behalf anyway. After all, they are very much the same. No, this cannot be the truth for which she is so desperately searching.
Ava is waiting for her to put the pieces together and, finally, when the only conclusion presents itself, she does.
"Max can't have children," she says. She closes her eyes, swallowing. "Zan is his replacement." She meets Ava's eyes, bringing her hand to her abdomen.
Ava nods, then says gently, "It's true. And it's why you need to get out of here. You need to protect it."
Beth does not know what to say. Her emotions are in turmoil. She is shocked. She is bewildered. She is dismayed. She is afraid.
And, yet, her heart does not know any of this. Her heart has started to beat again, having grown already to include the small life she now knows is on its way.
"Do you understand now?" Ava asks. "Will you let him go?"
"Is...He knows?" Beth whispers, tears streaming down her face.
"Of course. He told Lonnie."
They sit in silence for several long minutes. Beth stares blankly ahead. She notes inanely that the sheriff is standing across the way, watching them, a pair of sandwiches in his hands. He does not approach.
The silence is not a matter of Beth thinking of a way out of this mess. Because she can no longer consider it one. It is not a mess. It is a small miracle born out of tragedy and despair, and she knows that Zan thinks so too. She now understands why Zan has done what he has done and she knows that there is no way to save him. He has taken the only path open to him and she cannot stop him. Max cannot stop him. No one can stop him.
And, yet, it still takes every single shred of strength she possesses to whisper, "God help me, I have to. I have to let him go."
