Greater Than Good
Chapter 5
Interlude: Caine
It was late afternoon, and I returned to Kermit's apartment after procuring a ticket to France. The flight would depart early in the morning. Kermit was correct: I was exhausted from the events of the past few days. The upcoming journey could prove to be long and strenuous. I should use the time to rest.
But as I lay on the living room floor, I could not sleep, for serenity eluded me. Blood raced through my veins and I was unable to slow its rapid pulse. I could not embrace nor dispel the endless images that flashed through my mind. With a sigh, I permitted myself to indulge in introspection.
For four years I lived in this city, yet I did not accept it as my home. I offered my assistance to friends, but seldom asked for their help in return, for I was unwilling to risk causing them harm and bearing the weight of further loss. So I acknowledged that by shielding myself, I often appeared aloof and uncaring; my silence implied lack of trust and indifference to opinions.
I could no longer lay still; my mouth was dry and my body was unusually warm, as if gripped by a fever. I rose and walked to the small window in the kitchen. Gripping the sill, I stared at the single tree within my view and thought back to the time when I first came to this town. I was drawn to a vibrant woman who freely gave me her friendship. As time passed, she kept her heart open and recently her love helped save my life. Yet until last night I kept her at arms length and loved her without warmth. Indeed, in all my relationships I did not give myself fully -- not as a lover, not as a friend...not as a father to my only child.
Peter.
I closed my eyes and lay my burning cheek against the cool plate of glass.
I was ready, finally, to consider my Peter, my beloved son. Lo Si told me that when he took the brands, Peter faced his fear and uncertainty with honesty and strength. I saw him standing bravely in the loft when I told him of my journey to France, and...and when I said goodbye. His voice strong and steady, his eyes clear and dry, he did little to betray the fact that once again, I broke his heart.
In my life I have also endured heartache and fear, but I cannot say I have faced them with the same courage and honor as my son.
Confronted with yet another perilous mystery, I have chosen to go off on my own rather than enlist the aid of those I love. But this time, as Peter might say, my heart is not in it.
I meditated, studied the sacred writings, and consulted the wisdom of my master. I quoted passages of the Tao that supported my conclusions and logically justified my decisions. Yet my heart bled sorrow that took shape and form in the hot tears that wet my cheek and streaked the windowpane. Was there no writing, no consult or contemplation that would counsel me differently? From somewhere deep inside me, I heard the whispered plea, Kwai Chang Caine, it is time to cease your wandering. Look deep into the eyes of the son who loves you and you will find your answers there.
Emotionally exhausted, I made my way to the living room and collapsed on the sofa. Time passed in a restless state of agitated sleeplessness. Then stillness fell upon the room and blurred figures emerged from the silent shadows. Gradually, the images sharpened and I saw my grandfather, Kwai Chang Caine, as a boy, seated and talking to his teacher, Master Kan.
Master Kan said, "Deal with evil through strength--but affirm the good in man through trust. In this way, we are prepared for evil, but we encourage good."
"And is good our great reward for trusting?" asked young Caine.
"In striving for an ideal," answered Master Kan, "we do not seek rewards. Yet trust does sometimes bring with it a great reward--even greater than good."
"What is greater than good?" asked young Caine.
Master Kan answered, "Love."
The vision roused me from my fitful slumber. I attempted to reflect on it and determine its significance, when my contemplation was disrupted. I focused my attention and I could feel impending terror -- it belonged to Mary Margaret. I had to go to her at once.
End Chapter Five
