STARAGTE SG-1: Bed of Roses

Summary: Jack thinks about the woman he loves (song fic)

Pairing: Jack/Sam, Sam/Joe

Spoilers: 2010, 2001.

Season: Future (about 2006, after meeting the Aschen in 2001 - you'll see what I mean!)

Disclaimer: I don't own Stargate or its characters. Not do I own the Lyrics to 'Bed of Roses' by Bon Jovi. I'm not making any money off this, please don't sue me!!!

Author's Note: OK, just a quick song fic to fill in the time between putting the next chapter up for Closure (don't worry, that won't be far away, nearly finished it!). Hope you like it! Please R&R as always. Thanx. Enjoy!

Bed of Roses

'Regulation': An authoritative rule dealing with procedure.
A rule or order holding the force of law.

That has to be the most hated word in my entire vocabulary. That, or 'sir'. It kept us apart for so long. Too long, in fact. But not now.

Now, it's just me keeping us apart. And him, of course. But I couldn't blame her for choosing him. Not after what I put her - us - through. I know I want to have things different, but in all honesty, if I was given the chance, I don't know what I could do to change any of it. And do you wanna know why?

REGULATINS!

They were there from the start. We always knew that but it didn't stop me from loving her. And then he came along and I couldn't stop her from loving him.

It was their wedding today and my last chance to convince her to listen to me. She doesn't know it, but I was there. I saw how beautiful she looked. How happy. I was going to say something to her. Try to open her eyes to the truth about the Aschen. Try to . I don't know . change her mind about him. But, as I said, regulations got in the way. Not military ones this time. Just personal ones that I put up to keep the integrity of the military ones in tact.

Rule 1: Don't stop her from being happy.

And although it pains me to admit it, she was happy today. With him. So I kept quiet. Slipped out of sight when she took his hand. I couldn't bare to hear her swear to love him forever.

That's how I ended up here. At this god-forsaken, sorry excuse for a bar. It's not much; a pool table in the corner, juke box opposite me at the bar. It's not too loud or too crowded, but it's full of cigar smoke. Just right for drinking myself under the table or, hopefully, into oblivion. Knocking another shot back, a song roles over in the juke box that - for some reason - holds my attention.

#Sitting here wasted and wounded at this old piano
Trying hard to capture the moment this morning
I don't know#

The words set me thinking. 'Wasted and wounded'. That's me alright, but it's not the morning I'm trying to keep fixed in my mind. It's her. As she'll always be to me - perfect and as beautiful as she was today.

#Cause a bottle of Vodka's still lodged in my head#

Of course, thinking of her today reminds me of how far from being mine she is. That Vodka can stay lodged right where it is as far as I'm concerned. But I know it'll go eventually, and reality will come back hard.

#And some blond gave me a nightmare; I think she's still in my bed
As I dream about movies they won't make of me when I'm dead#

What she's done to me is worse than a nightmare. Nightmares. You can wake up from. This is real. And she's really gone. And it's probably best for her. The last thing she needs is me holding her back. She shouldn't make a 'movie' of me - or any other type of memory. She has her life to live. I just wish I could let go so easily.

#With an Ironclad fist I wake up to French kiss the morning#

It's usually the other way around to that. The 'Ironclad fist' is what I wake up to. The harsh fact that I'm alone and nothing can change that. But she's there was I dream with French kisses and more.

#While some marching band keeps its own beat in my head
While we're talking
About all the things I still long to believe
About love, the truth and what you mean to me#

My belief in love and the truth has certainly dwindled lately. I couldn't keep her even without the military hanging over us. And I couldn't make ANYONE see the truth of what the Aschen were doing. I know what she means to me, though. That's why it hurt so much when she shut me down and said 'Yes' to him.

#And the truth is
Baby, you're all that I need#

And all I can't have. I don't think I'll ever get used to that. Ever. Not even with all the Vodka in Russia! That's the thought that finally drives me out of the bar and sends me home with a slight stagger in my step. But I still can't shake her from my thoughts. Or the song.

#I want to lay you down on a bed of roses
For tonight I sleep on a bed of nails#

It's a cliché, I know, but it's more true to me than anything. I'm not just sleeping on nails. I eat and drink them, walk on them. Everything I do sends a stabbing pain through me. And it's all for her and her lack of faith in me. If only she had listened to me - or at least sided with me. Things would have been different.

That's another hated phrase - 'If only'.

#I want to be just as close as the holy Ghost is
And lay you down on a bed of roses#

That's all I ever wanted. To be with her. For a while, I let myself believe that's what she wanted too. Something more than just the friendship and respect between us. Maybe she did once. But it wasn't for me when it came down to the bottom line. It was him by then.

#Well I'm so far away
Each step that I take is on my way home#

And yet I feel like I'll never be home again, especially when she's never going to be there. It's an eerie feeling knowing you've got to move on without someone.

#A king's ransom in dimes I'd give
Just to see through this payphone#

I gave up that approach a few years back, when she stopped returning my calls. When she stopped listening to my pleas. If she ever listened in the first place. But I'd give anything to here her voice right now. Hear her tell me she did believe me. That she never doubted me. That's she's really working to undermine the Aschen. And once that's done, she's coming back to me.

Well, a gut can dream, right?

#Still I run out of time
Or it's hard to get through#

That's all I wanted. To get through. To her; to Daniel; to Janet; TO ANYONE WHO WOULD LISTEN! I even considered calling Maybourne into the fray! That's how desperate for recognition I was. But I have to take my share of the blame too. I was all too hasty in trusting everything to the Aschen. God! We were so naïve!

#Till the bird on the wire flies me back to you
I'll just close my eyes and whisper
Baby, blind love is true#

Whisper? SHOUT it from the heavens was more like it! But a whisper is all anyone heard from me, if they heard me at all. My love was always blind for her. She could take everything that I have - granted that's not a lot these days - and I'd still love her unconditionally and unashamedly.

#And I want to lay you down on a bed of roses
For tonight I sleep on a bed of nails
I want to be just as close as the Holy Ghost is
And lay you down on a bed of roses#

I arrive back home with no relent to my self-pitying mood. Only here, it's worse. Everything in the house reminds me of her. Books, pictures, even the beer in my fridge kicks up images of us celebrating earth's 'Salvation'. She wore red that day. Her lipstick stayed imprinted to the bottle every time she brought it to her lips.

I run my fingers round the rim of my own beer, now - even though I know she has never touched it.

#The hotel hangover whiskey's gone dry
The bar keeper's wig's crooked
And she's giving me the eye
I might have said yes
But I laugh till I cry#

That's something no-one will ever take from me. The image of how she would look at me every so often. Just the odd flirtatious or understanding smile. Everything she could tell me with her eyes.

There's one thing that keeps me going at the moment, and that's the fact that she had a 'look' that was for me alone. He will never have that. Never.

#When you close your eyes
Know I'll be thinking of you#

I doubt she'll spare a moment for me now. And that's how it should be. She's got her own life to get on with.

No matter how many times I say that to myself, it just doesn't sink in further than a throw away thought. And I can't close my eyes to bloke them out because that's exactly where she is for me now - just a series of images in my mind. I've turned her into a 'movie' and now she just plays all day.

#While my mistress, she calls me
To stand in her spotlight again
Tonight I won't be alone
But, you know, that don't mean I'm not lonely#

It's a bittersweet comfort knowing how much your mind can fixate on something. I say bittersweet because sometimes it's torture to relive arguments to tender moments in the comfort of your own head. When that's all you've got left, though, you tend to cling to those sorts of things. Even the arguments. In my case, especially the arguments. That's when I knew she felt something for me. Whether it was love or revulsion doesn't matter. She felt it enough to fight me on it.

#I've got nothing to prove
For it's you I'd die to defend#

She knew how I felt in the end. Knew I would walk through fire and take on the armies of hell for her. But in the end, it wasn't enough. She made her choice and now I have to live with that and without her.

I only hope he cares for her half as much as I do. It's what she deserves after all.

#I want to lay you down on a bed of roses
For tonight I sleep on a bed of nails
I want to be just as close as the Holy Ghost is
And lay you down.
On a bed of Roses.#

Goodbye Sam. I love you.

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Author's Note: There you have it! Hope you enjoyed! I'll get back to Closure now. Chapter 2 coming soon .