Chapter 1: Genesis ~Twist of Fate~
"Arimasen."
I look up at my opponent. The 6-dan brunette looks ready to fall to pieces. I sigh, picking up my fan from where it rests on the tatami floor at my side. "Arigatou gozaimashita." I bow in accompaniment to my words and barely hear his reply as he quickly stands and hurries out.
The all too familiar Go cliché. Sai was right; Go was just about the same a thousand years ago and is still gonna be the same a thousand years from now when they play it on spaceships in Pluto. Yeah well, it's still the same now and that probably won't change anytime soon... except now there's Touya. _Nothing_ beats playing with Touya, not even the prospect of playing a title-holder. Actually, the prospect of playing Ogata Jyudan for any reason -and that includes challenging the Jyudan title- doesn't appeal to me in the very least; truth be told, the guy looks like a sex maniac and his unusual interest in associating with minors -that is, if his interests are even restricted to minors anyway- does nothing to salvage my opinion of him.
I stand and stretch. That has had to be the week's most unsatisfactory game so far. Really, he pales in comparison to Waya who's still a 3-dan. Time for a cheer-up-game then. Touya's here somewhere, I wonder if he's done with his game. I rake my eyes over the room in search of my rival... there, in a corner, found him. Touya bows even as my eyes fall on his lean figure. He's a 6-dan now; I'm still at 5-dan. We'd still be two dans apart if my not-too-recent row of straight wins didn't get me promoted before he did. Perhaps he feels my gaze on him, for he looks up in my direction. Our eyes lock as I meet his emerald green gaze. I gather from that dissatisfied look in his eyes that he didn't think too highly of his opponent and the day's game either.
He stands and we make our way out the room. I join him at the result board where we take turns writing the exact same words: Win by resignation. We grab our shoes and walk to the elevators where I take the liberty of jabbing the button. I don't really have to ask where we are headed; the only place Waya's 'green-haired Go prince' would take his rival was a Go salon or anywhere else where they could play Go. Well, his father's Go salon in this case, to be more specific. We're probably going to play, then we're going to discuss the game, then he's going to start a really stupid argument, and then I'm going to leave; that's what happens _every_ time we play anyway. I glance at Touya's hair at the thought as we walk into the lift. Green... Well, it did have green highlights but on a whole... Well, it always looked dark smoky, silver-gray to me. We walk out and exit the Go Institute. Touya immediately turns and walks down the sidewalk towards the subway station.
"Uh... Touya." He turns and fixes me with this really fierce stare that almost makes me change my mind about what I was about to suggest. Truth is, I'm hungry and it's about dinnertime and I'd really like a bowl of ramen right now... But the look he's giving me is almost enough to kill my appetite. Almost.
He seems to realize that he's freaking me out, because his eyes soften slowly and when he finally speaks his voice is calm. "Yes?"
"Is something wrong?" Surely he couldn't be mad about winning a game, could he? I look uncertainly at him. The last rays of the setting mid-autumn sun compliment his sunset-coloured polo shirt and beige khakis. This outfit brings back memories of the last time I saw him wearing it. We were outside the cyber café, the sun was setting just like it is now. Back then, in his disappointment, he had promised that he would never appear before me again. In the end, he never kept that promise; but somehow, I'm really glad he didn't. The fading daylight brings out the green highlights in his hair and seems to give his slightly pale complexion a serene glow. Add that to the sudden softness in his eyes and he doesn't seem like the Touya Akira I know.
His eyes widen slightly, perhaps from the concern I hear in my own voice. He recovers quickly, though, and averts his gaze slightly. "Ah... Iya, betsu ni."
I smile with relief, pushing my doubts about his reply aside. "Ja... Ore... Hara heta na. Ramen tabemashou ka? [1]" I indicate the restaurant across the road.
"Hara heta na. Ramen tabemashou ka?"
I stare, no, gape at the enigma that is Shindou Hikaru. Here I am, wanting desperately to play at least one satisfactory game in a day and he's hungry?! Now?! Well, to be fair, it _is_ almost dinnertime and he's human after all, so he does have a right to be hungry... Ah, well... I guess there is time for a bowl of ramen. I glance in the direction he's pointing at and sigh. He's giving me that sunny smile I saw when I first met him in the Go salon and have almost never seen since. Well, considering the level of our relationship, that wouldn't be surprising. Ishikawa-san's words from a few days back when I told her about the whole Shindou Mystery and my obsession with finding the truth about him and Sai float back to me: "Perhaps if you tried treating him more as a friend than as a key to some door in this invisible wall that you need to get past, he'd be more revealing," she had said. Well, I guess she's right; after all, why would anyone want to share his or her secret with someone who was only interested in self-satisfaction? I sigh again. That sunny smile makes it so hard to refuse that blatantly hopeful innocent request.
"Touya?" he asks again, a small measure of the concern from a moment ago returning to lace his voice.
I realize that I've been lost in thought for quite a while now and smile apologetically without thinking. I relent. "Fine, just... Make it quick," I mutter, starting across the empty road.
He hesitates for a moment before grinning, another expression that I don't see very often and is never directed at me. Well, I've never given him a reason to direct it at me anyway, so I shouldn't complain. And it's not as if it matters; as long as he plays Go with that strength I find so captivating, it is enough, that is all I need. He dashes across after me and we enter the restaurant together. I lead him over to a table in the corner and we sit opposite each other. I glance over at the menu and decide on the one with garlic and pork chops in just under a minute.
"Ne, Touya... What would you like?" he asks cheerfully.
"Uh..." I'm too stunned by his sudden genki overdrive to even come up with an answer. "Garlic and pork chops..." I manage at last.
His eyes widen and he raises his eyebrows before grinning. "TWO GARLIC AND PORK CHOP RAMENS HERE, PLEASE!!" I cringe inwardly as he shouts our orders at the top of his very loud voice.
"HAI!!" comes the equally loud reply.
I take it that I'm either too accustomed to Go culture or this ramen culture is completely foreign to me. The noodles arrive with two cups of hot tea in less than five minutes and Shindou cheerfully chirps an 'itadakimasu' before stuffing his mouth with it. I somehow believe that he's happier right now than when he heard about his dan promotion. I start eating mine since it tastes better hot and decide that it was pretty good for something that Shindou Hikaru liked. I've always been of the opinion that he had weird tastes anyway. I look up at the blissful visage before me.
"You really like ramen, don't you?" I say at last.
"Yup!" he enthuses between mouthfuls. "And Touya likes my favourite kind too!"
"Ah... Sonna... Betsu ni," I reply quietly and continue eating.
He seems so grown up across the Goban when he places the pieces with that look of intense concentration or when he's discussing the game with that air of attentive interest, but now... Well, he looks... so young, almost like the child I met little more than three and a half years ago. Once again, I contemplate the awful level of our relationship so far. I've known Shindou for three and a half years and I've only just discovered today that he likes ramen. We must hold the world record for being the world's most unacquainted acquaintances. He orders another bowl before I'm even half done with mine and cheerfully downs the rest of his. Okay, so Shindou Hikaru doesn't just like ramen; he's crazy about it. Even to say that he loved it would be an understatement. We finally finish our dinner and I don't know why I let him convince me into having dessert. Five minutes later, I'm sitting here with this large bowl of green tea ice cream in front of me, staring as he shovels a spoonful from his even larger bowl of honeydew ice cream into his mouth. He sighs contentedly before speaking.
"Ne, Touya..."
"Hm?"
"We finally made it to the Honinbou league together."
I don't answer. If he's going to make another one of his ignorantly obnoxious comments, I wouldn't want to have encouraged it.
"The Meijin preliminaries start next month," he continues. "I'm assuming that we'll be going for it together?"
If he's going to mention every upcoming title prelim... "Yes. I don't know about you but I'll be going for the Jyudan prelims in November and the Gosei prelims in December and the Tengen, Kisei, and Ouza prelims next year and..."
"Tomorrow's my birthday."
Okay, so he does have crap for manners but I've never seen anyone else jump topics so quickly and irrelevantly before. "Right, September 20. So?"
"The Hokuto Tournament's in three months time."
"Yes, I heard it's scheduled for December 14." I don't get the connection. This conversation is so pointless, pointless, pointless...
"Isn't that _your_ birthday, if I'm not mistaken?"
"Yes." Pointless, pointless, pointless... There is only so much I can take of this.
"I wonder if we'll make it to the Tengen league."
That's it; my patience just snaps apart like a pencil that's been bent too far. "Would you just stop doing that?!" I don't even realize that I've stood up and slammed my hands to the table until my chair falls over backwards and my nerves send the pain signals from my palms to my brain.
He looks up innocently at me, eyes wide with surprise and confusion and proceeds to hold up his ice cream spoon. "You mean eating?"
I slide my eyes shut in an attempt to control my temper. "Shindou, I have been waiting the entire day to play at least one decent game and you are making me wait even longer while completely wasting my time with this hopelessly pointless conversation that's not making sense and going nowhere. So just shut up, finish that and leave!" I actually manage to not shout the words.
There is a flash of some emotion in his eyes that he hides by looking away to finish his ice cream before I can recognize it. He finishes it in two minutes flat, stands, walks to the counter and pays for both of us. "Ikou, Touya," he says quietly before walking out.
I walk out right after him and we walk towards the subway station. "How much was it? I'll pay for my share." I don't want him buying me dinner, seeing as I never bought him dinner and the chances of us ever dining together in the future is next to zero. He's the last person I'd like to owe anything to.
"Iya. I'm sorry for wasting your time... Just... take that as... my apology."
So that's what it was: hurt. Well, it's not like it's my fault he was testing my patience and it's not like I really care. 'Well, perhaps if you tried treating him more as a friend'... Ishikawa-san's words float back to me again. Oh, what the hell. "Shindou."
He turns. "Hm?"
"I... Well, I shouldn't have shouted at you either... So..."
Damn, not that sunny smile again. "Nah... it's my birthday tomorrow anyway. Just forget it. Oh, the Go salon's probably closing now..."
And it's all your fault, Shindou, all the fault of you and your ramen craze; now we don't get to play. Great, just great. I have to keep myself from screaming at him again.
"What about my house? The Goban's in my room and 'kaasan won't disturb when it's about Go, so... why don't we play there? It's just another station away from the Go Salon stop."
Well, it didn't sound like such a bad idea really. I've certainly never been to his house anyway and he's already been to mine. And my house _is_ much further than his if I take for granted that his sense of distance and direction is accurate this time around; after all, he did get lost on the way to my house even when I gave him a map. "Well, alright," I agree at last, pushing my doubts aside for once.
He grins. "Okay! Let's go!" The road is completely devoid of vehicles as he steps on to the asphalt and turns to face me, still grinning, with his hands behind his back. "Ja... Touya, 'kaasan just made her specialty honeydew jelly this morning; you've got to try it. I'll make sure you get a huge bowl tonight!" he announces cheerfully.
Just then, a car comes screeching around the nearest corner at what must be a hundred and forty miles per hour. My lifelong rival is standing right in the middle of the road and the car is not going to be able to stop in time. I shout his name and he turns to see the silver Lexus hurtling towards him with the velocity of an F1 Grand Prix driver. I watch his eyes widen before he somehow lands on the opposite side of the road an instant before white-hot pain sears through my body and I find myself flying. A second blast of that burning pain sears through my system and I have just enough time to glimpse the horrified confusion in his eyes before darkness overwhelms me and I fall into blissful oblivion.
Tasuketa'n da. Touya wa... ore wo tasuketa'n da [2]. Touya Akira... just... saved... my life. My rival is lying motionless on the dark asphalt about seven metres away. I feel numb as I slowly walk towards him. My heart feels like it's stopped beating... no, it feels like it's not there... like... it's gone. There is a strange emptiness in my chest, a void... It's like some part of me just vanished into thin air, never to return. The car hit him; the impact sent him flying approximately seven metres before hitting the ground with a loud thud. It should have been me. That should have been _me_. THAT SHOULD HAVE BEEN _ME_. The strength drains from my legs and I fall to my knees beside him. A few locks of his smoky silver- gray hair covers part of his face. His eyes are shut as if he were sleeping and the streetlights give his form an ethereal glow.
"Naze... Naze tasuketa no, omae? [3]" My voice falls to a whisper. "Touya no baka..." I reach out to brush those obscuring locks of smoky silver-gray away. "Naze ore wo tasuketa no ka?! Touya no baka!!" I scream at his still figure. The tears were already flowing down my cheeks before I even noticed that I was crying. "Ore no sei da... Subete wa ore no sei da!! [4]" I fiercely wipe away the tears with the back of my hand before reaching out, this time with both hands, to gently lift and tug his body closer to cradle him against my chest. He's still breathing... but for how long? I press my nose to his temple lightly. "Stay with me, Touya... stay with me..." I murmur, the tears flowing unhindered now. "Ne, the Hokuto Tournament's in three months... You promised we'd win this year!! Don't you want to play more Go?! We've finally got to the Honinbou league together! The Meijin prelims start next month! You've always wanted the title! How can you just... go?! I'm coming after you, Touya... You can't leave before I even get there!!" I squeeze my eyes shut. God... He was always waiting for me. Always... Perhaps I should've hurried up, should've tried harder. We should at least be at the same dan.
It should have been me. I made him wait. It never occurred to me that he might go too. Disappear like Sai. Just like Sai. Gone, gone, gone... What if he doesn't come back? I found Sai in my games... where will I find Touya?! Touya... you can't leave... Ikecha dame!!
"We said we'd reach the Hand of God together! That's what you've always wanted, right?!" I open my eyes to look at his serene face. Damn you, Touya... You're such an idiot, you know that? "Touya... We're still so far away from that... Dakara ikecha dame!! You promised we'd win the Hokuto Tournament this year!! We were supposed to do that together, right? So... You can't just leave me now... I want you to see me as Shindou Honinbou! I said I'd win the title! You said you'd make sure that it doesn't happen! How can just lie there and let me take the crown?! Touya, wake up!!" He can't hear me... Just like it was when Sai defeated him... he still can't... hear... me. "Naa... Touya, remember I said I'd tell you everything someday? Don't you want to know the truth? Don't you want to know about Sai? I still haven't told you, Touya... Can you really let it go? Can you really leave without knowing? Ikecha dame da, omae... Ikecha dame da!!!" I bury my face in those smoky silver-gray locks and inhale the familiar scent of his cologne, a scent that I might never smell again. "You can't leave me, Touya... not yet. Please... stay, Touya... Stay with me," I murmur.
* * *
"What happened?"
I look up as an extremely frantic female voice shatters the silence of the corridor outside the emergency room where I've been waiting for what feels like an aeon for the doctor to come out and tell me that Touya's alright. Ishikawa-san from the Go Salon, Touya Koyo, and Touya Akiko walk towards me looking very worried. Well, for Ishikawa-san and Touya's mom, that's an understatement. All the colour seemed to have drained out of their faces and their complexions are pale and ghastly, comparable to the whitewash on the wall before me. Only Touya's dad seems to have a grip on himself and I'm of the opinion that that's what several decades of Go does to a person. I think my eyes are dry and puffy, like the exterior of a pau that's been exposed to winter air for too long. I've just discovered that it _was_ possible to run out of tears. I've been crying continuously for at least an hour and my soul's a desert. I spent the rest of the time trying to convince myself that Touya will be alright... but I know in my desiccated heart that the chances of that are slim.
"Shindou-kun, what happened?" Ishikawa-san repeats her question, this time in a more level voice.
I bury my face in my hands. My voice is choked and shaky when I speak. "I... S-Subete wa o-ore no sei da... Ore no sei da... Go Kaijou e sugu itta dake nara... Ore wa ramen ga tada tabetakunakereba... Ore... tada... inai nara... inakereba... [5]"
"Look, I believe in Akira-kun. He's going to be alright. Now, quit blaming yourself and tell me what happened."
I don't have to look up to know that she's saying that with a lot more conviction than she really feels. I can hear Touya's mom sobbing hysterically into her husband's shoulder. You see that, Touya? You can't just leave now, you idiot! I resist the urge to just run into the ER and scream at him until he wakes up. "I... It was just a-after dinner... A- Aitsu wa... G-Go wo uchitai... [6] The Go Salon would have closed by then, so... we decided to go to my house instead. Then... I..." I clench my fists while keeping them on my face and grit my teeth in an effort to still the shudders threatening to rack my body with my parched sobs. "I... was... c-c- crossing the r-road... a-and... t-this car s-suddenly comes out from around the corner... r-really fast a-and... I... w-was right in the middle of the road... T-Touya screamed my name... a-and then... he... He... p-pushed me o- out of the way... A-And t-the car... I-It... hit him instead..." I somehow manage to choke the words out. I look up at them. "It's all my fault! It should have been _me_! _I_ should be in there! He... He's in there because of me! Ore... Ore wo... tasukeru tame ni... Konna ni... natta..." I bury my face in my hands again.
"So, you're saying that Akira got run down by a car to save you?" Touya Koyo asks, speaking for the first time since he arrived.
I nod without looking up.
"Akira-kun ga kawatta 'n desu," Ishikawa-san says quietly.
"Aitsu... Tada... Go wo uchitai... Tada... Aitsu to Go wo utsu nara... Go Kaijou e sugu itta nara... Sou nara... Kono unmei kara... nigete dekinai mo... Sore dake de... Sore dake de... Aitsu... kitto chotto ureshikatta... [7]" I lose control and break into a sobbing fit. There is a long moment of silence between us, broken only by Touya's mom's hysterical sobs and my choked ones; Ishikawa-san's silent tears are not helping either.
A door opens. "Touya Akira," a voice says flatly.
I'm on the doctor in a flash. "Touya... How is he?" I demand frantically. I know I look half-crazed, what with my bloodshot eyes and tear-stained face, but I'm in no situation to care.
"He..." The doctor narrows his eyes at me. "Who are you?"
"I..."
"I'm his father." I look up at the former Meijin as he approaches. He glances at me. "But the kid has a right to know too."
I offer Touya-sensei a grateful look before looking back up at the doctor who pushes his glasses up on his nose and tucks a stray lock of his jet- black hair behind his ear. "Well, the boy's life isn't in any danger. However, he suffered a rather serious concussion. So, I dare say you'd best be prepared." He says it like he's reading a phrase right out of the dictionary, in a detached monotone.
Somehow, I don't think I'm going to like the meaning of that but ignorance doesn't change the truth and I _need_ to know; I steel myself. "Are 'tte dou iu imi? [8]"
He turns to me with a look on his face that I do not find reassuring in the least. "He might never wake up. He's in ward 713; you can go see him."
I feel my knees turn to jelly and I drop to the floor. Touya-sensei just slides his eyes shut. I vaguely hear Touya's mom wailing in despair and Ishikawa-san weeping uncontrollably; they seem so far away. Touya... What do you mean you might never wake up? You promised we'd win the Hokuto tournament this year! We need you there, Touya. You can't just sleep! I'm going to be the next Meijin, the next Honinbou, the next Ouza, the next every-title-holder! Are you just going to lie there and let me take them all?! What about the Hand of God? Touya, you're still so far away from it. How do you expect to attain it by just lying there?! If it's something you can just give up on, why were you even interested in the first place?! You always insisted on only walking forward... Can you really bear to stay still like this?
After what seems like an eternity, I finally find the strength to stand and almost blindly make my way to ward 713. I enter and sink into a chair at my rival's bedside. The heart monitor's steady beep is the only respite in the ward's thanatoid silence. He still looks as if he were just asleep; his face is peaceful and serene and his breathing is even and deep. Only the oxygen mask, the bandages left by the surgery, and the IV tubes all over his body seem out of place.
Touya... I reach out to stroke his fingers and fail to look up as his parents and Ishikawa-san enter. Those fingers with perfectly manicured nails; fingers that always looked so elegant as they placed Go stones on the Goban's polished surface, fingers that might never place anything anywhere again. The Hand of God... Touya, if you can just forget about it like that, why desire it so earnestly to begin with? I reach out to finger what is left of his smoky silver-gray hair. You know what, Touya? Damn you, you've got a really warped idea of a birthday present.
Glossary: [1] I'm hungry. Let's eat ramen.
[2]He saved me. Touya saved me
[3] Why did you save me?
[4] It's my fault. Everything is my fault.
[5] .Everything is my fault. My fault. If I went to the Go salon immediately. If I didn't eat ramen. If I .wasn't there.
[6] He wanted to play Go
[7] He just wanted to play Go. If I played Go with him. Went immediately to the Go salon. Then, even if he can't escape this fate. he. he would have surely been glad.
[8] What do you mean by that?
Uh, sorry!!! I'm uploading this fic for a friend. and I kinda forgot about the glossary. Gomen nasai!!! It's not Yumi's fault.
"Arimasen."
I look up at my opponent. The 6-dan brunette looks ready to fall to pieces. I sigh, picking up my fan from where it rests on the tatami floor at my side. "Arigatou gozaimashita." I bow in accompaniment to my words and barely hear his reply as he quickly stands and hurries out.
The all too familiar Go cliché. Sai was right; Go was just about the same a thousand years ago and is still gonna be the same a thousand years from now when they play it on spaceships in Pluto. Yeah well, it's still the same now and that probably won't change anytime soon... except now there's Touya. _Nothing_ beats playing with Touya, not even the prospect of playing a title-holder. Actually, the prospect of playing Ogata Jyudan for any reason -and that includes challenging the Jyudan title- doesn't appeal to me in the very least; truth be told, the guy looks like a sex maniac and his unusual interest in associating with minors -that is, if his interests are even restricted to minors anyway- does nothing to salvage my opinion of him.
I stand and stretch. That has had to be the week's most unsatisfactory game so far. Really, he pales in comparison to Waya who's still a 3-dan. Time for a cheer-up-game then. Touya's here somewhere, I wonder if he's done with his game. I rake my eyes over the room in search of my rival... there, in a corner, found him. Touya bows even as my eyes fall on his lean figure. He's a 6-dan now; I'm still at 5-dan. We'd still be two dans apart if my not-too-recent row of straight wins didn't get me promoted before he did. Perhaps he feels my gaze on him, for he looks up in my direction. Our eyes lock as I meet his emerald green gaze. I gather from that dissatisfied look in his eyes that he didn't think too highly of his opponent and the day's game either.
He stands and we make our way out the room. I join him at the result board where we take turns writing the exact same words: Win by resignation. We grab our shoes and walk to the elevators where I take the liberty of jabbing the button. I don't really have to ask where we are headed; the only place Waya's 'green-haired Go prince' would take his rival was a Go salon or anywhere else where they could play Go. Well, his father's Go salon in this case, to be more specific. We're probably going to play, then we're going to discuss the game, then he's going to start a really stupid argument, and then I'm going to leave; that's what happens _every_ time we play anyway. I glance at Touya's hair at the thought as we walk into the lift. Green... Well, it did have green highlights but on a whole... Well, it always looked dark smoky, silver-gray to me. We walk out and exit the Go Institute. Touya immediately turns and walks down the sidewalk towards the subway station.
"Uh... Touya." He turns and fixes me with this really fierce stare that almost makes me change my mind about what I was about to suggest. Truth is, I'm hungry and it's about dinnertime and I'd really like a bowl of ramen right now... But the look he's giving me is almost enough to kill my appetite. Almost.
He seems to realize that he's freaking me out, because his eyes soften slowly and when he finally speaks his voice is calm. "Yes?"
"Is something wrong?" Surely he couldn't be mad about winning a game, could he? I look uncertainly at him. The last rays of the setting mid-autumn sun compliment his sunset-coloured polo shirt and beige khakis. This outfit brings back memories of the last time I saw him wearing it. We were outside the cyber café, the sun was setting just like it is now. Back then, in his disappointment, he had promised that he would never appear before me again. In the end, he never kept that promise; but somehow, I'm really glad he didn't. The fading daylight brings out the green highlights in his hair and seems to give his slightly pale complexion a serene glow. Add that to the sudden softness in his eyes and he doesn't seem like the Touya Akira I know.
His eyes widen slightly, perhaps from the concern I hear in my own voice. He recovers quickly, though, and averts his gaze slightly. "Ah... Iya, betsu ni."
I smile with relief, pushing my doubts about his reply aside. "Ja... Ore... Hara heta na. Ramen tabemashou ka? [1]" I indicate the restaurant across the road.
"Hara heta na. Ramen tabemashou ka?"
I stare, no, gape at the enigma that is Shindou Hikaru. Here I am, wanting desperately to play at least one satisfactory game in a day and he's hungry?! Now?! Well, to be fair, it _is_ almost dinnertime and he's human after all, so he does have a right to be hungry... Ah, well... I guess there is time for a bowl of ramen. I glance in the direction he's pointing at and sigh. He's giving me that sunny smile I saw when I first met him in the Go salon and have almost never seen since. Well, considering the level of our relationship, that wouldn't be surprising. Ishikawa-san's words from a few days back when I told her about the whole Shindou Mystery and my obsession with finding the truth about him and Sai float back to me: "Perhaps if you tried treating him more as a friend than as a key to some door in this invisible wall that you need to get past, he'd be more revealing," she had said. Well, I guess she's right; after all, why would anyone want to share his or her secret with someone who was only interested in self-satisfaction? I sigh again. That sunny smile makes it so hard to refuse that blatantly hopeful innocent request.
"Touya?" he asks again, a small measure of the concern from a moment ago returning to lace his voice.
I realize that I've been lost in thought for quite a while now and smile apologetically without thinking. I relent. "Fine, just... Make it quick," I mutter, starting across the empty road.
He hesitates for a moment before grinning, another expression that I don't see very often and is never directed at me. Well, I've never given him a reason to direct it at me anyway, so I shouldn't complain. And it's not as if it matters; as long as he plays Go with that strength I find so captivating, it is enough, that is all I need. He dashes across after me and we enter the restaurant together. I lead him over to a table in the corner and we sit opposite each other. I glance over at the menu and decide on the one with garlic and pork chops in just under a minute.
"Ne, Touya... What would you like?" he asks cheerfully.
"Uh..." I'm too stunned by his sudden genki overdrive to even come up with an answer. "Garlic and pork chops..." I manage at last.
His eyes widen and he raises his eyebrows before grinning. "TWO GARLIC AND PORK CHOP RAMENS HERE, PLEASE!!" I cringe inwardly as he shouts our orders at the top of his very loud voice.
"HAI!!" comes the equally loud reply.
I take it that I'm either too accustomed to Go culture or this ramen culture is completely foreign to me. The noodles arrive with two cups of hot tea in less than five minutes and Shindou cheerfully chirps an 'itadakimasu' before stuffing his mouth with it. I somehow believe that he's happier right now than when he heard about his dan promotion. I start eating mine since it tastes better hot and decide that it was pretty good for something that Shindou Hikaru liked. I've always been of the opinion that he had weird tastes anyway. I look up at the blissful visage before me.
"You really like ramen, don't you?" I say at last.
"Yup!" he enthuses between mouthfuls. "And Touya likes my favourite kind too!"
"Ah... Sonna... Betsu ni," I reply quietly and continue eating.
He seems so grown up across the Goban when he places the pieces with that look of intense concentration or when he's discussing the game with that air of attentive interest, but now... Well, he looks... so young, almost like the child I met little more than three and a half years ago. Once again, I contemplate the awful level of our relationship so far. I've known Shindou for three and a half years and I've only just discovered today that he likes ramen. We must hold the world record for being the world's most unacquainted acquaintances. He orders another bowl before I'm even half done with mine and cheerfully downs the rest of his. Okay, so Shindou Hikaru doesn't just like ramen; he's crazy about it. Even to say that he loved it would be an understatement. We finally finish our dinner and I don't know why I let him convince me into having dessert. Five minutes later, I'm sitting here with this large bowl of green tea ice cream in front of me, staring as he shovels a spoonful from his even larger bowl of honeydew ice cream into his mouth. He sighs contentedly before speaking.
"Ne, Touya..."
"Hm?"
"We finally made it to the Honinbou league together."
I don't answer. If he's going to make another one of his ignorantly obnoxious comments, I wouldn't want to have encouraged it.
"The Meijin preliminaries start next month," he continues. "I'm assuming that we'll be going for it together?"
If he's going to mention every upcoming title prelim... "Yes. I don't know about you but I'll be going for the Jyudan prelims in November and the Gosei prelims in December and the Tengen, Kisei, and Ouza prelims next year and..."
"Tomorrow's my birthday."
Okay, so he does have crap for manners but I've never seen anyone else jump topics so quickly and irrelevantly before. "Right, September 20. So?"
"The Hokuto Tournament's in three months time."
"Yes, I heard it's scheduled for December 14." I don't get the connection. This conversation is so pointless, pointless, pointless...
"Isn't that _your_ birthday, if I'm not mistaken?"
"Yes." Pointless, pointless, pointless... There is only so much I can take of this.
"I wonder if we'll make it to the Tengen league."
That's it; my patience just snaps apart like a pencil that's been bent too far. "Would you just stop doing that?!" I don't even realize that I've stood up and slammed my hands to the table until my chair falls over backwards and my nerves send the pain signals from my palms to my brain.
He looks up innocently at me, eyes wide with surprise and confusion and proceeds to hold up his ice cream spoon. "You mean eating?"
I slide my eyes shut in an attempt to control my temper. "Shindou, I have been waiting the entire day to play at least one decent game and you are making me wait even longer while completely wasting my time with this hopelessly pointless conversation that's not making sense and going nowhere. So just shut up, finish that and leave!" I actually manage to not shout the words.
There is a flash of some emotion in his eyes that he hides by looking away to finish his ice cream before I can recognize it. He finishes it in two minutes flat, stands, walks to the counter and pays for both of us. "Ikou, Touya," he says quietly before walking out.
I walk out right after him and we walk towards the subway station. "How much was it? I'll pay for my share." I don't want him buying me dinner, seeing as I never bought him dinner and the chances of us ever dining together in the future is next to zero. He's the last person I'd like to owe anything to.
"Iya. I'm sorry for wasting your time... Just... take that as... my apology."
So that's what it was: hurt. Well, it's not like it's my fault he was testing my patience and it's not like I really care. 'Well, perhaps if you tried treating him more as a friend'... Ishikawa-san's words float back to me again. Oh, what the hell. "Shindou."
He turns. "Hm?"
"I... Well, I shouldn't have shouted at you either... So..."
Damn, not that sunny smile again. "Nah... it's my birthday tomorrow anyway. Just forget it. Oh, the Go salon's probably closing now..."
And it's all your fault, Shindou, all the fault of you and your ramen craze; now we don't get to play. Great, just great. I have to keep myself from screaming at him again.
"What about my house? The Goban's in my room and 'kaasan won't disturb when it's about Go, so... why don't we play there? It's just another station away from the Go Salon stop."
Well, it didn't sound like such a bad idea really. I've certainly never been to his house anyway and he's already been to mine. And my house _is_ much further than his if I take for granted that his sense of distance and direction is accurate this time around; after all, he did get lost on the way to my house even when I gave him a map. "Well, alright," I agree at last, pushing my doubts aside for once.
He grins. "Okay! Let's go!" The road is completely devoid of vehicles as he steps on to the asphalt and turns to face me, still grinning, with his hands behind his back. "Ja... Touya, 'kaasan just made her specialty honeydew jelly this morning; you've got to try it. I'll make sure you get a huge bowl tonight!" he announces cheerfully.
Just then, a car comes screeching around the nearest corner at what must be a hundred and forty miles per hour. My lifelong rival is standing right in the middle of the road and the car is not going to be able to stop in time. I shout his name and he turns to see the silver Lexus hurtling towards him with the velocity of an F1 Grand Prix driver. I watch his eyes widen before he somehow lands on the opposite side of the road an instant before white-hot pain sears through my body and I find myself flying. A second blast of that burning pain sears through my system and I have just enough time to glimpse the horrified confusion in his eyes before darkness overwhelms me and I fall into blissful oblivion.
Tasuketa'n da. Touya wa... ore wo tasuketa'n da [2]. Touya Akira... just... saved... my life. My rival is lying motionless on the dark asphalt about seven metres away. I feel numb as I slowly walk towards him. My heart feels like it's stopped beating... no, it feels like it's not there... like... it's gone. There is a strange emptiness in my chest, a void... It's like some part of me just vanished into thin air, never to return. The car hit him; the impact sent him flying approximately seven metres before hitting the ground with a loud thud. It should have been me. That should have been _me_. THAT SHOULD HAVE BEEN _ME_. The strength drains from my legs and I fall to my knees beside him. A few locks of his smoky silver- gray hair covers part of his face. His eyes are shut as if he were sleeping and the streetlights give his form an ethereal glow.
"Naze... Naze tasuketa no, omae? [3]" My voice falls to a whisper. "Touya no baka..." I reach out to brush those obscuring locks of smoky silver-gray away. "Naze ore wo tasuketa no ka?! Touya no baka!!" I scream at his still figure. The tears were already flowing down my cheeks before I even noticed that I was crying. "Ore no sei da... Subete wa ore no sei da!! [4]" I fiercely wipe away the tears with the back of my hand before reaching out, this time with both hands, to gently lift and tug his body closer to cradle him against my chest. He's still breathing... but for how long? I press my nose to his temple lightly. "Stay with me, Touya... stay with me..." I murmur, the tears flowing unhindered now. "Ne, the Hokuto Tournament's in three months... You promised we'd win this year!! Don't you want to play more Go?! We've finally got to the Honinbou league together! The Meijin prelims start next month! You've always wanted the title! How can you just... go?! I'm coming after you, Touya... You can't leave before I even get there!!" I squeeze my eyes shut. God... He was always waiting for me. Always... Perhaps I should've hurried up, should've tried harder. We should at least be at the same dan.
It should have been me. I made him wait. It never occurred to me that he might go too. Disappear like Sai. Just like Sai. Gone, gone, gone... What if he doesn't come back? I found Sai in my games... where will I find Touya?! Touya... you can't leave... Ikecha dame!!
"We said we'd reach the Hand of God together! That's what you've always wanted, right?!" I open my eyes to look at his serene face. Damn you, Touya... You're such an idiot, you know that? "Touya... We're still so far away from that... Dakara ikecha dame!! You promised we'd win the Hokuto Tournament this year!! We were supposed to do that together, right? So... You can't just leave me now... I want you to see me as Shindou Honinbou! I said I'd win the title! You said you'd make sure that it doesn't happen! How can just lie there and let me take the crown?! Touya, wake up!!" He can't hear me... Just like it was when Sai defeated him... he still can't... hear... me. "Naa... Touya, remember I said I'd tell you everything someday? Don't you want to know the truth? Don't you want to know about Sai? I still haven't told you, Touya... Can you really let it go? Can you really leave without knowing? Ikecha dame da, omae... Ikecha dame da!!!" I bury my face in those smoky silver-gray locks and inhale the familiar scent of his cologne, a scent that I might never smell again. "You can't leave me, Touya... not yet. Please... stay, Touya... Stay with me," I murmur.
* * *
"What happened?"
I look up as an extremely frantic female voice shatters the silence of the corridor outside the emergency room where I've been waiting for what feels like an aeon for the doctor to come out and tell me that Touya's alright. Ishikawa-san from the Go Salon, Touya Koyo, and Touya Akiko walk towards me looking very worried. Well, for Ishikawa-san and Touya's mom, that's an understatement. All the colour seemed to have drained out of their faces and their complexions are pale and ghastly, comparable to the whitewash on the wall before me. Only Touya's dad seems to have a grip on himself and I'm of the opinion that that's what several decades of Go does to a person. I think my eyes are dry and puffy, like the exterior of a pau that's been exposed to winter air for too long. I've just discovered that it _was_ possible to run out of tears. I've been crying continuously for at least an hour and my soul's a desert. I spent the rest of the time trying to convince myself that Touya will be alright... but I know in my desiccated heart that the chances of that are slim.
"Shindou-kun, what happened?" Ishikawa-san repeats her question, this time in a more level voice.
I bury my face in my hands. My voice is choked and shaky when I speak. "I... S-Subete wa o-ore no sei da... Ore no sei da... Go Kaijou e sugu itta dake nara... Ore wa ramen ga tada tabetakunakereba... Ore... tada... inai nara... inakereba... [5]"
"Look, I believe in Akira-kun. He's going to be alright. Now, quit blaming yourself and tell me what happened."
I don't have to look up to know that she's saying that with a lot more conviction than she really feels. I can hear Touya's mom sobbing hysterically into her husband's shoulder. You see that, Touya? You can't just leave now, you idiot! I resist the urge to just run into the ER and scream at him until he wakes up. "I... It was just a-after dinner... A- Aitsu wa... G-Go wo uchitai... [6] The Go Salon would have closed by then, so... we decided to go to my house instead. Then... I..." I clench my fists while keeping them on my face and grit my teeth in an effort to still the shudders threatening to rack my body with my parched sobs. "I... was... c-c- crossing the r-road... a-and... t-this car s-suddenly comes out from around the corner... r-really fast a-and... I... w-was right in the middle of the road... T-Touya screamed my name... a-and then... he... He... p-pushed me o- out of the way... A-And t-the car... I-It... hit him instead..." I somehow manage to choke the words out. I look up at them. "It's all my fault! It should have been _me_! _I_ should be in there! He... He's in there because of me! Ore... Ore wo... tasukeru tame ni... Konna ni... natta..." I bury my face in my hands again.
"So, you're saying that Akira got run down by a car to save you?" Touya Koyo asks, speaking for the first time since he arrived.
I nod without looking up.
"Akira-kun ga kawatta 'n desu," Ishikawa-san says quietly.
"Aitsu... Tada... Go wo uchitai... Tada... Aitsu to Go wo utsu nara... Go Kaijou e sugu itta nara... Sou nara... Kono unmei kara... nigete dekinai mo... Sore dake de... Sore dake de... Aitsu... kitto chotto ureshikatta... [7]" I lose control and break into a sobbing fit. There is a long moment of silence between us, broken only by Touya's mom's hysterical sobs and my choked ones; Ishikawa-san's silent tears are not helping either.
A door opens. "Touya Akira," a voice says flatly.
I'm on the doctor in a flash. "Touya... How is he?" I demand frantically. I know I look half-crazed, what with my bloodshot eyes and tear-stained face, but I'm in no situation to care.
"He..." The doctor narrows his eyes at me. "Who are you?"
"I..."
"I'm his father." I look up at the former Meijin as he approaches. He glances at me. "But the kid has a right to know too."
I offer Touya-sensei a grateful look before looking back up at the doctor who pushes his glasses up on his nose and tucks a stray lock of his jet- black hair behind his ear. "Well, the boy's life isn't in any danger. However, he suffered a rather serious concussion. So, I dare say you'd best be prepared." He says it like he's reading a phrase right out of the dictionary, in a detached monotone.
Somehow, I don't think I'm going to like the meaning of that but ignorance doesn't change the truth and I _need_ to know; I steel myself. "Are 'tte dou iu imi? [8]"
He turns to me with a look on his face that I do not find reassuring in the least. "He might never wake up. He's in ward 713; you can go see him."
I feel my knees turn to jelly and I drop to the floor. Touya-sensei just slides his eyes shut. I vaguely hear Touya's mom wailing in despair and Ishikawa-san weeping uncontrollably; they seem so far away. Touya... What do you mean you might never wake up? You promised we'd win the Hokuto tournament this year! We need you there, Touya. You can't just sleep! I'm going to be the next Meijin, the next Honinbou, the next Ouza, the next every-title-holder! Are you just going to lie there and let me take them all?! What about the Hand of God? Touya, you're still so far away from it. How do you expect to attain it by just lying there?! If it's something you can just give up on, why were you even interested in the first place?! You always insisted on only walking forward... Can you really bear to stay still like this?
After what seems like an eternity, I finally find the strength to stand and almost blindly make my way to ward 713. I enter and sink into a chair at my rival's bedside. The heart monitor's steady beep is the only respite in the ward's thanatoid silence. He still looks as if he were just asleep; his face is peaceful and serene and his breathing is even and deep. Only the oxygen mask, the bandages left by the surgery, and the IV tubes all over his body seem out of place.
Touya... I reach out to stroke his fingers and fail to look up as his parents and Ishikawa-san enter. Those fingers with perfectly manicured nails; fingers that always looked so elegant as they placed Go stones on the Goban's polished surface, fingers that might never place anything anywhere again. The Hand of God... Touya, if you can just forget about it like that, why desire it so earnestly to begin with? I reach out to finger what is left of his smoky silver-gray hair. You know what, Touya? Damn you, you've got a really warped idea of a birthday present.
Glossary: [1] I'm hungry. Let's eat ramen.
[2]He saved me. Touya saved me
[3] Why did you save me?
[4] It's my fault. Everything is my fault.
[5] .Everything is my fault. My fault. If I went to the Go salon immediately. If I didn't eat ramen. If I .wasn't there.
[6] He wanted to play Go
[7] He just wanted to play Go. If I played Go with him. Went immediately to the Go salon. Then, even if he can't escape this fate. he. he would have surely been glad.
[8] What do you mean by that?
Uh, sorry!!! I'm uploading this fic for a friend. and I kinda forgot about the glossary. Gomen nasai!!! It's not Yumi's fault.
