A/N: This is the final chapter of this fanfiction. Don't get your hopes up for a happy ending; there isn't much of one. I'll shut up now so you can read the chapter.
"Did you forget about the things I said? Fight the lies inside your head. Deny those who try to bring you down. Kill the pain and emptiness. Find a love and lose yourself. Without this life you're just a memory locked inside again."
-"Photograph" by 12 Stones
I can't stand it anymore! Not only do I have images of suicides repeating in my head, but the media is also ready to bombard me at any chance they get. I hate the media—perhaps even more than my dad.
The thing about the media is that they will not listen to you, no matter what you say. If you tell them to go away and never come near you again, they will come closer and bother you even more!
At least I can reside in my safe home. I can't even go to skool anymore! I kind of like that, but it is hard to be alone all day. I'm still not used to being somewhere without Dib's annoying voice tagging along.
Why is the media trying to stalk me, you ask?
It's all because of my stupid dad.
You see, when I yelled at him in the hospital, Dad took it kind of hard, and he felt that he needed to tell this to someone for support or something. Dad also happened to tell this person that he felt that he wasn't a good father, because he only sees us once a month at a minimum.
It turns out, this certain person alerted the government, along with the media. Since Dad is a famous scientist, whatever he does practically everyone knows. Well, they knew everything except how he treated his kids. Luckily for me, I might have to be fostered.
I'm fourteen years old and I have been living the same way for all of my life. Then, my brother kills himself, and NOW I have to be fostered?
I don't want to be fostered. I am NOT moving in with some happy, giddy family that just wants to foster me for fame. I will find someway to get out of this mess, even if it means running away. Dad wouldn't notice I was gone for about a month, I bet.
Where would I go if I ran away? Is there any place that I could go? Probably not, but I'm a smart girl; I'll find something.
If only Dib were here… He'd think of something to get me out of this! I guess if Dib were actually alive, none of this would have ever happened.
After Dib died, I spent a lot of time thinking about our last conversation. I remembered it so well it was like I was reliving that exact moment.
But then, one thing he said hit me.
"You—I didn't think you cared."
I failed to realize exactly what he meant when Dib said that to me, but as I thought about it more, I began to understand.
I was part of the reason Dib killed himself. Me.
I was never really kind to him, now that I think about it. I showed no evidence that I cared about him. Dib had a reason for thinking that I hated him, even though I didn't.
How could I hate him? He was my brother, after all.
But wasn't suicide too extreme? Was that really the way Dib could have taken care of his problems? To him it was, apparently.
If only I could have been just a little bit nicer. If only Dad cared more about Dib and I than his career.
Dad is now becoming notorious to some people. Yeah, it's true; some people hate him so much they want him to be punished. He deserves to be hated. Everyone knows about me and what happened to Dib now, so whenever the news comes on, people watching will say, "Aww, poor Gaz…"
I REALLY do not like and/or want to be pitied. At least no one knocks at my door just to feel sorry for me and give me some stupid gift.
Thank God I'm not stupid enough to think that Mom's suicide was my fault. If I was, I would be in even bigger trouble than I am now.
Can life be kind enough to give me something to hold on to? Can it give me someone to hold on to? Can it give me anything good?!
"I will not give up!" I shout in my room, looking in no particular direction. "I will be strong. I AM strong. Your pitiful attempts to make me lose this battle are stupid!" I feel no power in these words and sigh.
I feel so indescribably helpless and alone. Pain grips my soul like a child holding onto a teddy bear in a thunderstorm. I begin to wonder how on Earth I am going to survive like this.
I only know one thing:
I will not give up.
I sometimes ponder about what Mom and Dib were thinking when they killed themselves. Did they think of me? Did they?! Did they just think about themselves like the rest of this pathetic world? What about me?
Did they forget that I have feelings too? That I needed them?
Then again, did I show it?
If anyone saw me like this, they would be really surprised. I am not the Gaz I appear to be. I am not heartless and independent. I am a pathetic girl who is currently wallowing in her self pity.
I sadly reminisce the times that I could have changed all of this. Dib didn't really need for me to make his days worse by insulting him or hurting him. Why didn't I give him a break?
I realize that I have been what I never wanted to be all along.
I am also self-centered.
I suppose this is something that is present in every human being. This trait is the key to destruction of one's self, or someone else.
I cared so much about how I was feeling that I was blind to the fact that Dib was actually in pain. I question how I did not notice this.
Every time I see a knife or a bottle of pills I stop and gaze at it. I can feel them luring me closer, calling my name… I defy them and walk the other direction. Heck, I refuse to even use them at all. I tear food instead of cut and when I feel sick I deal with it.
I decide to spend a few minutes in Dib's room. Even though it may seem kind of rude, I like looking through his stuff. It makes me feel better because all of him is in his room, though his actual body is not.
As I step in, I look at all the posters on his wall. One is a "Mysterious Mysteries" poster. Another has something to do with a giant mug. I notice that his laptop is on. It was on when Dib killed himself, and I haven't touched it since. I decide that this is the time to look at it.
I hesitantly walk over and sit in his chair. Leaning, back, I wiggle the mouse on his laptop. The screen slowly appears and reveals his journal he keeps on his computer. I wonder why he never exited out of it, so I begin to read it. Now, when Dib's dead, my little sister instinct has kicked in. Interesting timing.
March 31, 2001
Today, this alien named ZIM came into our class. No one believes me—as usual. He seems really stupid, but as a paranormal investigator I must be prepared for anything…
I decide to skip forward to a more recent entry.
January 4, 2004
Today was probably one of the worst days of my life. This guy at my skool named Torque beat me up today. My arms and legs are really sore, and I have this gigantic bruise on my side. I really hated it when everyone was laughing at me. I wonder how some people can be that cruel. Why people enjoy seeing pain in others confuses me.
I guess I like seeing ZIM get hurt, but that's a different story.
I mean, even Gaz—
I stop reading to spare myself from even more guilt. I scroll down until I see the actual date that Dib committed suicide.
April 16, 2004
Hi, Gaz.
Woah. He KNEW I was going to look at his journal.
I'm sorry it has to end this way. I just can't take life anymore. I can't handle being hurt EVERY SINGLE DAY. I figure this is the only way to escape.
I don't mean to hurt you, but…
Nice job avoiding that.
…no one really cares about me.
Yeah, no matter what that Gretchen girl or I said.
I'm not trying to get you to feel bad for me, not that you would, or anything, but, anyway, I am once again sorry that you have to witness two suicides in your lifetime. This must tear you apart. I think this is the best thing for me, so you're going to have to trust me.
I know I may sound like a hypocrite, but I want you to live through life. I don't want you to give up like Mom and I.
How about you? It was just as hard for me too—well, maybe your life was a bit harder, with everyone injuring you and all. I mean, couldn't you have held on, too?
I know it is going to be really hard, but you are strong, Gaz. I've known you all of my life so I have to know what you can handle and what you can't.
Oh, yeah, and don't worry about ZIM.
Heh. He still thought I was concerned about stupid ZIM conquering Earth. ZIM's too incompetent to do something as complicated as taking over a planet as dumb as Earth.
I know him well enough to understand that without competition, he has nothing to motivate himself with.
Anyway, I hope you listened (or rather read) what I said and I wish you the best of luck.
Love,
Dib
I read through Dib's letter a second time—without the sarcastic comments—and I try to make sense of what he said. Dib's words gave me courage and hope. What really amazes me is the fact that he believed in me when I never showed any faith in him.
I can't understand why he's been so nice to me through these years when I was a total jerk. Sure, we always had those occasional sibling quarrels, but overall, he's never really done anything mean or rude to me, even though I'd go out of my way to make him pay for some kind of food he ate that I wanted.
It's weird how Dib never ended up like me after being around me so much. He just kind of let me do whatever I wanted to him. He could never defend himself because he was a wimp.
Though I am still slightly angry at him for making such a dim-witted choice as suicide, I feel a lot better. Even though he displays hypocrisy in his letter, I promise to try and do what he says.
Though I am alone, I will conquer my fears, and win this "tug-of-war" between life and death.
If only I could see what lies ahead…
END
A/N: I warned you that it would have a sucky ending! Do not fret, for I will most likely make a sequel. I just need to come up with a plot.
Anyway, the point that I was trying to make by writing this was that suicide is the worst way to get out of your problems. Not only do you end your life, but you also hurt everyone that cared about you, even someone you don't know. The most unlikely person can care about you without you even knowing. As Ashsema pointed out, suicide is a selfish and cowardice way out of your problems. Surviving life is what makes you worth something.
I hope you didn't take this fanfic as an encouragement to commit suicide, because in no way was I trying to promote that.
Review if you wish!
