Disclaimer: I do not own LOTR, or any of its characters. Haldir: You're losing it, author. You're losing what precious little bit of mind you have left. Me: What makes you say that, Haldir? Haldir: Please. You gave me a middle name. I don't have a middle name. I don't have a last name, either! Me: I can give you one, if you likelet's see, how about Haldir Sue Lipshitz? Haldir: NO! If Tolkien had wanted me to have a middle or last name, he would have given me one himself! Tolkien: I just didn't think of it - I was a little busy creating an entirely new world, new cultures, new languages, etcbut I kind of like the "Lipshitz" thing Me: So be it
A/N: A quick thank you to everyone who reviewed - especially those who I couldn't emailthanks! Also, thanks to everyone who pointed out that it should be Gollum instead of Golemdamn spell check! It's one of those words I keep having brain farts withthat and Galadriel - I usually spell it Galadrial. I'll try to keep an eye on it. Oh, and to Beastess - yes, be afraidbe very afraid.
Here we go, Bird
Chapter 6
The Fourth Event
In the locker room
Legolas and Haldir had finished their baths, and were standing in the locker room, towels wrapped around their waists, looking at two very unusual items waiting for them on the bench.
"What the hell are these?" Haldir asked, as he held up the tiny, black Speedo.
"How should I know? I was with you, remember? All I know is that Elrond left word that we should wear these today for the competition," Legolas replied, as puzzled as Haldir.
"Wear them how? They look like handkerchiefs."
"They have holesmaybe they go over our heads."
The two struggled for a while trying to get the Speedos on over their muscular shoulders.
"It's strangling me! Arghhh!" Haldir bellowed, ripping off the Speedo. He held it in the air in front of his face. He looked at the offending garment closely, as comprehension slowly registered in his expression.
"No. Absolutely not! They can't be serious!" Haldir exclaimed, shaking the Speedo. "Do you know where I think these things are supposed to go?" he asked Legolas, who was still stuck trying to remove the Speedo from around his neck.
"Where?" Legolas gasped, finally able to free his throat from the viselike grip of the Speedo.
"Where we normally wear breeches."
"NO! That's absurdwhat would these little bitty things cover? The whole world would see my" Legolas gasped, his eyes widening as he looked at the tiny bit of black fabric with new understanding.
"Well," Haldir sniffed, "You needn't worry. YOU'D be safeI, however, would be the one giving a free show."
"What is that supposed to mean?" Legolas growled, narrowing his eyes at Haldir.
"Heydon't get offended, little one - I'm just being truthful, here," Haldir said in false innocence.
"Are you insinuating that you're bigger than me? An elleth would need both hands and a roadmap to find yours!" Legolas said snidely.
"At least an elleth would be interested in finding mine!" Haldir yelled, losing his composure.
"Forget it! I don't have time for this conversationErestor will be here any minute! I'm wearing my jerkin, as usual!" Legolas said, looking around the locker room. "Where is my jerkin?"
"I don't knowhey! Where's my jerkin? Where are my leggings?" Haldir yelled, beginning to open and close lockers, looking under the bench, and searching the bath. "Where are our clothes?"
"You're holding your clothes for this event," Erestor's voice came from the doorway.
"This thing? This is all you want us to wear in front of half of Arda? Are you mad?" Legolas asked shrilly, gripping the Speedo in his fist.
"Yes. These have been made for you especially for this event. Put them on and let's goeveryone is waiting."
"I will not leave this room in only this little bit of nothing!" Haldir yelled.
"If you do not wear them, Elrond will tell the entire crowd that you are both cowards. You will be shamed in front of the entire population. If one of you wears it, and the other does not, whoever doesn't wear it forfeits the competition."
Legolas and Haldir looked at each other with raised eyebrows. In a flurry of motion, they dropped their towels and wiggled into the tiny black Speedos.
Erestor looked at them thoughtfully. "Perhaps the seamstresses made them a bit too bigor perhaps neither one of you is as impressive as we thought you'd be"
BANG! BANG! BANG!
Legolas and Haldir continued to beat Erestor's head against the lockers until Elrond came in to find out what was keeping them.
The Fourth Event
Eowyn's Choice
Elven Mudwrestling
Once again, the bleachers were packed as the time approached for the fourth round of competition between Legolas and Haldir. This time, the crowd stared and wondered at the large, square, muddy pit that had been dug in the center of the field. They also wondered at the line of archers that stood across each side of the bleachers, between the crowds and the pit.
Vendors made their way up and down the bleachers, selling tunics with "I (heart) Legolas, and I (heart) Haldir on them, as well as the usual wine and lembas.
Trumpets blared announcing to all and sundry that the game was about to begin. Last minute stragglers found their way to their seats as Elrond stood and addressed the assemblage.
"Welcome to the fourth event of the Rivendell Olympiad! Today's event was designed by the Shieldmaiden of Rohan, Eowyn, and is a test of strength and endurance!"
Eowyn stood, waving to the crowd, and daintily blowing kisses - which looked rather silly, considering she was still decked out in leather armor and a helmet.
Elrond nodded, and the two champions walked onto the field - in their Speedos, and nothing else. The females, and a not a few of the males, in the crowd went bananas. Elrond was suddenly very glad he had positioned the archers for crowd control. Already flowers, as well as various pieces of undergarments were being flung onto the field, not to mention that females of every species were trying to throw themselves onto the field as well. The archers had their hands full trying to keep the crowd under control without actually having to shoot anyone.
Both Legolas and Haldir were blushing bright crimson as they came to stand before the judges and Elrond.
"This thing keeps riding up my butt," Haldir whispered to Legolas as they walked.
"I knowI think the rear of mine has disappeared all together."
"Nice pants," Aragorn whispered to them both, snickering and elbowing Arwen. Arwen hid her smile behind her hand, but couldn't help snorting. Gandalf and Glorfindel were not as discreetthey were guffawing and pounding their fists on the table. Eowyn just looked at the two of them and drooled.
Legolas and Haldir shot Aragorn a look that could have ended the royal bloodline once and for all right there.
"This event is called 'mudwrestling.' You will enter the pit behind you, and engage inwrestling each other. No biting or eye gouging will be allowed. Other than thathave at it. Last one standing wins the event," Elrond explained.
"Mud? You want us to get muddy? Us? We're Elveswe don't do dirt," Legolas complained, looking at Elrond and raising an eyebrow.
"You'll 'do' dirt, or you'll be disqualified," Elrond said.
Thranduil yelled out from his place near Elrond, "For Eru's sake, boyit's just a little mud! Be an Elf and get in there!"
Legolas threw his father a look that would have curdled milk.
The two competitors bowed to Elrond and the judges, which of course, set off a renewed frenzy from the crowd. They turned and walked slowly to the mud pit.
"Eww. This is going to be completely gross," Legolas said, wrinkling his nose.
"I never knew you were so prissy!" Haldir said. "It doesn't bother me that much."
"That is because I, unlike you, have good hygiene habits," Legolas replied, giving Haldir a dismissive wave.
"What's that supposed to mean?" Haldir asked, getting his back up.
"What does it sound like? You stink," Legolas explained, sticking his nose up in the air.
"I do not! That's just my cologneChannel for Elves. It's a musk!" Haldir yelled, getting a little red in the face.
"Rightcologne. Who would buy something that smelled like that, when they could smell like that for free by not bathing for a month?"
"ARGHH!" Haldir thundered, launching himself at Legolas.
The two Elves fell into the mud pit, and began spinning around in a death roll. For a few moments, they both completely disappeared under the gooey mud. Great splashes of mud flew up as the competitors battled beneath the surface.
Haldir came up for air first, followed by Legolas, spitting a stream of mud out of his mouth. He stood up, clenching something in his hand.
Legolas sat in the mud, looking up at Haldir. "Give me back my Speedo!" he yelled.
"Nope! If you want it you'll have to stand up and get it!" Haldir laughed, dangling the little mud-covered piece of fabric just out of Legolas' reach.
"I can't stand up! You've left me completely naked herethis crowd will tear me apart!" Legolas shouted, slamming the mud with his fists.
"Yes, I knowI win!" Haldir smiled, stepping forward to show that he was, indeed, the last one standing.
The judges conferred, then Eowyn stood and announced, "Haldir wins this event!" The crowd went berserk, and the archers strained trying to keep them from flooding the field.
Haldir turned and tossed the Speedo back to Legolas, who disappeared under the mud with it for a moment. Legolas stood up, pulling the back of his Speedo back into place.
They approached Elrond and the judges, and bowed, to the renewed catcalling and screaming of the crowd. The two competitors walked off of the field with as much dignity as possible, dripping mud, the backs of their Speedos crawling up their butt cracks.
Elrond tried to address the crowd, but couldn't stop laughing long enough to do it. He simply waved at them, and left the field, followed closely by the snorting and giggling judges.
