Disclaimer: I do not own LOTR, or any of its characters. Legolas: Butt cracks? You actually used the words "butt cracks" in referring to our anatomy?" Me: Why? You don't have one? Are you like the Metatron in "Dogma" - no more anatomically correct than a Ken doll? Let me seecome on, let me see! Legolas: Keep away from me, you evil wench! That is NOT what I meant. My bottom is the same as everyone else's. I meant the boorish, coarse, tactless way you wrote that chapter! Me: Hee, heeLegolas doesn't have a butt crack! Hee, hee. Legolas: Where is my bow? I have an arrow with your name on it.
Chapter 7
The Fifth (and Final) Event
In the locker room
"Well, this is it. The last event," Legolas said, tying the lacing of his breeches.
"Yep. The last eventwon't it be great not to have to compete against each other any more?" Haldir commented, adjusting the belt on his jerkin.
"Yeahgreat. You know, actually it's going to be kind of weird not trying to outdo each other anymorewe've been at it for centuries, now," Legolas added, pulling on his jerkin.
"How'd we get started on that, anyway? Do you remember?" Haldir asked, putting one foot up on the bench, resting his elbow on his knee.
"You don't remember? We were in Lothlorien, getting ready for the Summer Solstice. Gods, we must have been, what? Maybe, a thousand years old thenso young," Legolas began, getting a far away look in his eyes.
"OhI remember now! There was an ellethwhat was her name?"
"Um Broomhilda VarthaniaI can't quite seem to remember" Legolas answered, chuckling a bit.
"We both set our caps for her, thoughI remember that!" Haldir said, laughing. "Remember trying to get her to notice us at the dance?"
Legolas snorted. "We practically did a striptease on the dance floor. Made complete and utter fools of ourselves, as I recall!"
"I could never understand why she didn't pick one of us, could you?"
"Haldirshe picked that elleth with the really short, spiky hairyou remember - the one with the tattoo of the dagger and heart on her biceps?"
"She picked an elleth over us? Why would she do that?"
"She was gay, you moron!" Legolas said, rolling his eyes at Haldir's naivete. Seeing the still blank look on Haldir's face, he continued, "She only liked other girls."
"She likedREALLY?" Haldir's eyes bugged out like boiled eggs. "Did she let us watch?"
"Don't be disgusting! Besides, if she had, I think you would have remembered that, you pervert."
"So this entire competition thing we've had going over the years is due entirely to some chick who we NEVER had a chance at anyway?"
"Ironic, isn't it?"
"Sowhat do you have planned for after I win the competition?" Haldir asked, still thinking about Broomhilda and the spiky haired elleth.
"What do you mean 'after YOU win the competition' - I plan on winning, Haldir," Legolas scoffed.
"Not a chanceif this is going to be our last opportunity to compete against each other, I plan on trouncing your ass," Haldir laughed.
"The only ass getting trounced today will be yours!"
"It's going to be kind of sad seeing it end, you know?"
"Yeahwhat are we going to do with all our spare time?"
'Hmmf," Haldir grunted, looking thoughtful. "Eternity is going to be pretty boring"
"We could take up a craftlike basket weaving," Legolas offered, shrugging his shoulders.
"And maybe someone could just put an arrow in my head right now," Haldir replied sarcastically. "Is that our future? Basket weaving?"
Legolas' face lit up and his eyes widened with sudden inspiration. He looked at Haldir, and smiled.
The Final Event
Gandalf's Choice
The Obstacle Course
There was standing room only as the throngs of spectators jammed the bleachers on the final day of the Rivendell Olympiad. Vendors continued selling the popular "I (heart) tunics, as well as food and drink. One enterprising vendor was making a fortune selling copies of the infamous black Speedos, which had either "Legolas" or "Haldir" written on the fannies.
The field had once again been transformed overnight, leaving the crowd to wonder at the varied array of objects set up on it, including a wooden tunnel, a pool of stagnant looking water, several standing cardboard cut-outs of Orcs, and one, very real, very irritated-looking Cave Troll. Trumpets blared, calling their attention to Elrond, who stood in his customary place behind the judges' table.
"Welcome one and all to the fifth, and final, event of the Rivendell Olympiad!" he shouted. "Today's event is Gandalf's choice, and is called 'The Obstacle Course. It is a test of speed and agility!"
Gandalf stood, waving at the crowd with both hands. The crowd went wild, cheering for their beloved white wizard.
Continuing, Elrond said, "Legolas and Haldir have each won two eventsthis event will determine the winner of the Olympiad!"
Elrond nodded, signaling that it was time to begin. Legolas and Haldir walked out on the field, marching in perfect step. The crowd murmured disappointedly when it realized that both were fully clothed.
Coming to stand before the judges' table, the two competitors looked up at Elrond and awaited his instructions.
"This is the final event for this competition. You have both performed admirably, but, as we all know, there can only be one winner. Today's event was designed by Gandalf," Elrond explained, motioning toward the White Wizard. Gandalf stood again, and waved at the crowd with both arms. It took several minutes, and several annoyed eyebrow lifts from Elrond before he sat down again.
"Turn and look at the field," Elrond instructed Legolas and Haldir. "When you have both taken your places at the starting line, I will signal for the race to begin. First, you will crawl through the tunnels. Mind you those tunnels have been well coated with oil. Leaving the tunnels, you will swim through the water, remembering that this water was imported from the Dead Marshes, and so likely has a ghost or two in it. Following your swim, you will pick up a bow and quiver, and shoot at least three of the Orcs - only mortal wounds will be accepted - no 'winging' them. Finally, you will dodge the club of the Cave Troll without getting your brains bashed in. First one to get to the finish line wins the final event and the competition!"
Legolas and Haldir bowed to Elrond and the judges, and walked over to the starting line. Each put his toe on the line, and bent down, readying himself to start.
Elrond stood, raised his arms and shouted, "On your markget setGO!"
Legolas and Haldir exploded from the starting line, each diving nose first into the oil slicked tunnels. Each slid a good way in, then began inching their way through, finding it difficult to get any leverage because of the thick coating of oil on the tunnel walls. Haldir was first to poke his head out the tunnel. Glancing at Legolas' tunnel, he pulled his self-upright and took a step forward. His left foot slipped out from under him, and he sat down firmly on his rump. Legolas had just exited his tunnel, and as Haldir stood up again, they carefully made their way to the pool at the same time.
Diving into the waters, they could see the faces of the dead floating all around them. Arms, white as marble, reached out for them, as they stroked their way to the opposite end of the pool. Legolas was first to climb out of the pool, as Haldir's long silver hair had been caught by one of the pale hands, and he was struggling to free himself.
Stepping out of the pool, Legolas glanced back at Haldir twisting and beating at the hand that held his hair. Legolas bent down, and began fussing with the laces on his boots. By the time he had tied them to his satisfaction, Haldir was climbing out of the pool.
They jogged in unison to the archery task. Picking up bows and arrows, Legolas exchanged a look with Haldir. Both notched three arrows in their bows, and let fly. Six arrows embedded themselves in the foreheads of six cardboard Orcs. Dropping the bows, the two competitors next approached the Cave Troll.
"Great Eru, have you EVER seen anything as ugly as this?" Haldir asked Legolas, deftly sidestepping a powerful blow from the Cave Troll.
"No! Tell me, Trollhave you always been this ugly?" Legolas asked, as the Troll's club crashed down on the spot Legolas had been standing in only a split second before.
"Please! He's so ugly they had to tie a steak around his neck so the dogs would play with him"
"He's so ugly - he didn't get hit by the 'ugly stick' - he got hit by the whole damn tree!"
"He's so ugly that if he were my dog, I'd shave his ass and teach him to walk backwards!"
The Cave Troll's lower lip began to quiver. His eyes began to fill with tears, and, soon enough, the hulking creature sat down on the ground with a very large thump, sobbing and wailing.
Legolas and Haldir carefully skirted the creature, and jogged over to the finish line, crossing it at the exact same time.
Collectively, the crowd said, "Huh?" There was a smattering of hesitant applause as the competitors walked back to the judges' table.
Elrond's face was a black rage. "Just what in hell do you two think you're doing?" he asked, so angry he was sputtering.
"Why, what do you mean, Lord Elrond?" Haldir asked innocently.
"You know exactly what I mean! You tied! You can't tie! There has to be a winner! You threw the race!" Elrond bellowed.
"I don't have any idea what you're talking about, Elrond," Legolas protested, a half smile on his face.
"You made the Cave Troll cry!"
"I don't recall you having said that making the Cave Troll cry was against the rules" Haldir pointed out, suppressing a grin.
"We'll have to run this race again! Do you know how much of my time and effort you're wasting? I'm a very busy ElfI don't have time to be running these stupid events over again!"
"Elrond" came Gandalf's voice from the judges table. "There was nothing implicitly stated in the rules forbidding a tie. They both won two eventsthey tied in this one. They are both winners of the Olympiad."
"NO! That defeats the entire purpose of having these stupid events! They'll just go competing with each otherwe must run the events again!"
The judges shook their heads, stood up and congratulated Legolas and Haldir. The crowd cheered, and began leaving the stands.
Elrond shouted at them to come back. "We're not done! They have to race again!"
No one listened. The judges and competitors left the field. The Cave Troll stopped crying when Legolas and Haldir gave it a lollipop, and also left the field.
Elrond stood alone in the empty field, wondering exactly why the gods had decided to punish him.
