[4]
Some kinds of pain are so all-consuming that one's sense of separation, one's clinging to all manner of things, disappears into that primordial fire of pain: nothing else exists. During that eternal moment, something imperceptible happens, and when the pain disappears, that person is not the same person anymore.
-Philip Kapleau, the Zen of Living and Dying.
.....................
Every day after that, I grew further and further away from humanity. Every day, month and year was painful. I took whatever food a passerby saw fit to give me. I lived in constant pain and hunger. But so what? Why should I care about how I was to die? To me, I was already dead. A living, breathing ghost of who I once was, and a memory of my town. The only memory left. I wished that I could tell someone, more then anything else, I wanted to know that once I was gone, someone else would know of my pain, and maybe they would spread it to others that not everything there ruler did was good, or pure, or justified. But, no, it could never be. I would be the only one to shoulder this knowledge, me, and the priest, but he would never tell of the horrors of that night. So Kuru Eruna will be forgotten. Forever, never to be heard of again. Never. The Pharaoh and his Priests will become men of legend, their stories repeated again and again until everyone knows about there good deeds. But nothing of their bad ones. The world will live in a blissful innocence that I have lost. The thought filled me with sadness. I didn't want to feel this constant pain, that ate at my spirit and soul until thee was nothing left but darkness. But, now that I know the truth, a part of me doesn't want to go back to living in the false belief that everything is good in the world, even though the truth took everything from me. I don't want to be living a lie. Does anyone else feel the same way? Does anyone else WANT to know the truth? How should I know? But there is always room for doubt.
So what? What does it matter if I'm not the only one who wants to know the truth? No one would understand. No one could understand, not unless they had been there themselves, had seen the blood soaking through the rocks, the pain and despair in the dead ones eyes, and the pride and greed in the soldiers'. No one will appreciate it's significance. No one else would be able to hear the sad melody of lost souls that I walk and live by every day. No one.
I have lost everything, my mother, my father, all of my friends, everyone I have ever known and loved is gone forever. And soon enough, I will lose my life. And what hurts most about that is that no one would care. The scream of my heart filled my mind, engulfing me. Some one! Anyone! Come back! Help me! I can't take this! I don't want to die without you! I need someone to help me through this! Some one- please...
I sink to my knees. Weak, I know. But what else is there to do? I don't have a purpose in life anymore. Am I just waiting to die? Have I given up? Tears rolled silently down my face, mingling with blood on the way down, dyeing the soft sand a light pink. This only caused me to remember what I had been through, making me cry even more. I remembered the pile of bodies, the glazed look in their eyes, permanently fixated in an expression of sadness and confusion and pain all rolled into one. How could I think of my own pain when what they must of suffered was ten times worse? That was selfish of me. But... I want to be heard. I want someone to share my sorrow. I want to have someone to make the decisions for me. I can't do it all on my own. I want my story to be told. I want everyone to know of the tragedy that is Kuru Eruna. Is that so wrong of me? I desperately need someone to understand what I am going through. But how can I trust someone who lives only to serve the pharaoh, as everyone besides me seems to be? What do I live for then? What is my purpose in life? Who do I serve? I know that SOMETHING is keeping me alive. But what? Suddenly, it hit me. I was surprised at myself, because it seemed so obvious. A blue flame that consumed my villagers souls and there physical beings had also created something. Those Sennen Items where made of my villagers. Disgusting, I knew, but at this point I would take any form of the people I loved that I could get. And besides, How could I just sit and do nothing while My family members spirits are forced to serve the ones that murdered them. Freeing them will be my purpose. I'll solve my problems along the way. After all, their problems are the same as my problems. I can't think of a better way to quench my thirst for human companionship and to help my town at the same time. I'll work towards this goal forever. Forever. I smiled. I had a purpose in life again! I laughed. I don't know why, but I couldn't help myself. The passerby's looked at me strangely, but I didn't care. Why should I anyway? They never helped me. They just sat and watched as I experienced the worst pain I had ever felt. Who needs them? Let them stare, I don't care anymore. Laughing feels good.
