Title: The Q Experience

Authors: Sita/T'eyla

Rating: PG

Genre: Humor/General

AN: Thanks to csifan2000 (yes, poor Malcolm's gonna get in quite a lot of trouble because Trip puts him up to doing things... later on in the story ;-) ), Venus, Dacker Spaniel (no, sorry, Porthos didn't get puppified (good idea, though), but he'll still play a part in the story), Anna Yolei, KaliedescopeCat, Gabi (hihi, oh ja, Archer wird noch platzen, und nicht nur einmal... Übersetzung Chapter 8 kommt bald!), Reedie (don't worry, Malcolm won't have to clean the mess hall all by himself :-) ), Amelia, A. Windsor, j, Exploded Pen (LOL your review nearly killed us... what's vimto?) and PIcaRDMPC for reviewing! Here's Chapter 3 (Q's first visit to Enterprise!!) - please r&r!

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Chapter 3: Q Almighty

Archer regarded the untidy stack of shirts and sweaters in Trip's wardrobe and sighed. He'd never really understood his friend's odd habit of buying every ugly, garish shirt he came across. And, even worse, buying only ugly, garish shirts.

After a moment's consideration Archer picked one of the a little less colorful ones - it was some blue and green batik t-shirt - and opened a drawer to look for some shorts.

Since both Malcolm and Trip had soaked their miniature Starfleet overalls when they'd flooded the mess hall, Phlox had sent him to get some clean clothes while he ran the DNA scans, saying it would take some time until the analysis was completed. At first, Archer hadn't really known where he was supposed to get kids' clothes from - after all, under normal circumstances, there weren't any kids on Enterprise - but then he'd decided to get them some of their own clothes. They would just have to make them fit.

Pulling out the only pair of black shorts he could find, Archer closed the drawer again and headed towards the door.

On his way to sickbay, Archer tried to get his confused thoughts into order again, thinking up a mental check-list of the steps he was going to take now. First, they had to finish these DNA scans and then he would think of a way to find out what the hell had happened to his crew. And he needed to contact Command. As soon as possible.

How the hell am I gonna explain this one to Forest? he thought, and if he hadn't been on the verge of panicking, Archer might as well have laughed at the thought.

"Well, Admiral," Jon muttered, "something funny happened to me on the way to these unknown galaxies. Or, to be more specific, something funny happened to my crew. Actually, most of them have just disappeared, and the rest... well, they're not what they used to be."

He shook his head at his own foolishness. The fact that he was talking to himself now was just another indication of how absurd this situation was. Usually, he at least pretended to be talking to Porthos, but at the moment Archer couldn't bring himself to care if anyone questioned him being in his right state of mind. There was no one around anyway except for a Denobulan doctor who had no business accusing anyone of being weird and a bunch of... children who had formerly been his senior officers. It was one of the few times of his entire career that Captain Jonathan Archer couldn't come up with any explanation whatsoever for what was going on around him. He had no idea what could have transformed his senior crew into children, or where the rest of his crew had gone. It was fairly improbable that this had something to do with some temporal anomaly. If that were the case then the rest of the crew wouldn't simply have disappeared just like that.

But if it hadn't been an anomaly, then what on earth had happened? Thousands of explanations popped up in his mind, one unlikelier than the other, and Archer shook his head once more, dismissing these thoughts. It was no use; right now he had to tend to the matters at hand: get to sickbay, see if the DNA scans had revealed anything, talk to the kids and try to find out more about what had happened, and then... well, he'd see to that later.

By now, Archer had reached the corridor leading to sickbay, and taking a deep breath he pressed the panel beside the door.

Okay, he thought, one step at a time. Let's see about those DNA scans first.

As he entered sickbay, his eyes fell on Phlox standing next to a biobed, running his scanner over Travis who was watching his every move with an interested expression on his face. On the adjoining bed sat T'Pol with Hoshi on her lap, nodding gravely as she saw him.

"Captain Archer," she said in a way of greeting, and Phlox turned around.

"Ah, Captain! I assume you found them some clothes?"

Archer nodded, stepping up next to Phlox, taking a look at the scanner's display as well.

"Did you find out anything?"

Obviously finished, Phlox put the scanner aside and turned to face Archer.

"Indeed Captain. It seems that these children are in fact T'Pol, Commander Tucker, Lieutenant Reed and Ensigns Sato and Mayweather. There is no doubt about that, the DNA patterns are a perfect match."

Archer sat down on the biobed next to Travis, letting out a deep breath. He wasn't really surprised, but all the same, hearing the absurd story being medically confirmed made it even worse somehow. Raising his head, he took a weary look around.

"Where are ... er... Trip and Malcolm?" he asked. It felt strange, referring to the two boys in that way. Phlox waved a casual hand at the back of the room.

"Still in the shower. I put their uniforms to the laundry, they were quite a lost cause. Just give me these clothes, hm, then I'll get them dressed."

"Sure, doc," Archer said, handing him the bundle of clothes, and watched as the doctor disappeared through the door into the adjoining bathroom.

"I like your ship," he heard a voice next to him and looked at Travis, who was grinning up at him. "How big is it?"

Archer smiled. "Pretty big," he said. Travis nodded thoughtfully.

"I bet my dad's ship is bigger, though. It's the biggest ship in the whole world."

"I'm sure it is," Archer said. T'Pol spoke up.

"I was wondering, Captain Archer. Is there no crew on this ship?"

Archer turned to look at her. "Well, usually there is but... they seem to have disappeared. We don't really know what happened. You know..." He hesitated. "It looks like you were transformed or something. You... you used to be my science officer."

She raised an eyebrow. "I do not understand, Captain Archer."

Archer sighed. "Seems like we got something in common."

That moment the bathroom door opened again, and Archer heard Phlox' voice.

"I don't know why you got the boring shirt, but as we don't have anything else for you to wear right now, you'll just have to be content with that one. Maybe we can find you a less boring shirt later on."

Phlox emerged, followed by Malcolm and Trip, who both looked quite funny in their way-too-big shirts and shorts. While Trip was grinning happily, inspecting his blue and green appearance in the mirror, Malcolm had a sulking frown on his face.

"I still don't see why I had to take the grey one," he said, throwing Trip an envious glance. "It's not fair."

Archer grinned. "There're more where that one came from. I'll get you another one later."

Malcolm looked up at him, then took another unhappy glance at his boring grey shirt.

"Okay - thank you, Sir," he added as a second thought. Archer nodded, getting up.

"Well, kids," he said, "why don't you just sit down for a moment. I need to talk to you."

"About the reseparator?" Trip asked warily. Archer frowned.

"Reseparator?"

"That thing back in the cafeteria. You know, where we... that thing that can make all them drinks."

Archer had a hard time biting back a grin. "Oh, you mean the resequencer. Yes, we're gonna have a talk about that too, but not right now."

Trip grinned, obviously relieved, and he and Malcolm climbed onto the biobed next to T'Pol, settling down and looking at Archer expectantly. Archer crossed his arms in front of his chest.

"Alright," he said, "I bet you're wondering why you're here. Well... you know, Dr. Phlox and me don't really know either, and so, since we all want to know what's going on here, we have to try and find out."

They all stared at him, and Archer cleared his throat. "See..." he continued a little uncomfortably, "on this ship, there used to be quite a lot of grown-ups... my crew. Actually, you were part of that crew too."

None of them said a word, staring at him with wide eyes. Archer looked at Phlox for help, and the doctor raised his eyebrows.

"I think you should skip that part, Captain," he said. "I doubt they'd understand it."

T'Pol's eyebrows shot up. "I do understand, Dr. Phlox," she said a little indignantly. "You are implying that we were transformed into children."

"Right," Archer said, sitting down on the edge of the biobed again. "Anyway, I need to know what you remember before you came here."

Another moment of silence followed, then T'Pol spoke up again.

"As I said before, I was busy with my mathematical studies. I was sitting in my room at my computer terminal when I suddenly found myself here on this ship. It was a most interesting experience."

"I bet it was." Archer looked at Trip. "What about you?"

Trip shrugged. "Well, I was outside, helpin' my dad repair the car - you know, the axle was broken, 'cause my dad wrecked it when he ran the car into the ditch. My mom says he just can't handle that new car, but I think-"

Archer held up a hand. "Okay, okay. So the last thing you remember is being at home with your parents?"

"No, I was outside with my dad," Trip said in a patient tone of voice. "Mom wasn't home, she was-"

"Thanks, I got it," Archer said. "You were home with your dad, repairing the car, and then you were here."

"Right." Trip nodded, and Archer turned to Malcolm. "And you?"

Malcolm considered. "I was at school," he said then. "Playing football."

"Soccer?" Trip asked. Malcolm nodded glumly.

"We once played soccer in gym class too," Trip said, dangling his legs. "That was fun."

Archer saw Malcolm looking at Trip in disbelief and hid a smile.

"Okay, so you were repairing the car, you were playing soccer, and you?" He looked at Travis who gave him a bright smile.

"I once played soccer, too, with my brother. In one of the cargo bays."

Archer blinked. "Yes", he said, "but that's not what I wanted to know. I wanted to know what you remember before you came to be on this ship."

Travis looked around. "I really like this ship. It's really nice, but my dad's ship is better."

"Yes," Archer said a little impatiently, "but-"

"Captain," Phlox said quietly, "it is quite obvious that whatever transformed him left Travis with the memories he had as a four-year-old child. I don't think he understands your question, and I doubt that Hoshi does, either."

When she heard her name, Hoshi looked up. "Where is my mom?" she asked.

Archer swallowed, but then Phlox intervened, smiling at the little girl who was still sitting on T'Pol's lap.

"You know what, you can come with me and help me feed my pets," he said. "I got lots of pets here in my sickbay. Do you want to come?"

Hoshi nodded eagerly, sliding off T'Pol's lap and taking Phlox by the hand.

"Excuse me, Sir..."

Archer turned and saw Malcolm looking at him with a slightly confused expression on his face.

"I'm not quite sure I understand... what exactly did you mean when you said we were transformed?" He frowned. "I can't remember being any different before."

Archer sighed. "You know, before this happened, you were... adults. You were my officers aboard this ship."

"I was an officer?" Trip's eyes widened. "Cool! What did I do?"

Archer looked at him for a moment, not quite able to believe he was having this conversation. "You were Chief Engineer," he said then.

Trip stared at him for a moment. "Chief Engineer," he repeated then, obviously savouring the sound of it.

"And what did I do?" Malcolm asked curiously.

"You were the Armoury Officer," Archer said and Malcolm's face lit up.

"I was the Armoury Officer? Did I have guns or cannons or something?"

Archer bit back a grin. "Yes you did. Quite a lot of them, actually."

"And the rest of the crew?" Trip asked. "They're gone?"

"Yes." Archer's smile faded. "They've disappeared."

Trip shook his head. "But that's magic! How-"

"You're right, Charlie my boy. It is magic."

Archer spun around. There was a man leaning against the sickbay doors, wearing a blue Starfleet overall with captain's insignia. Except his remarkably arrogant grin there was nothing unusual about him.

"Who are you?" Archer asked. The man's grin widened.

"I'm the magician."

He sauntered over to one of the biobeds and sat down, resting one of his feet on the edge of the bed.

"Close your mouth, Jonny," he said. "That look doesn't suit you."

Archer took a deep breath. "Where the hell did you come from? And what are you doing on my ship?"

The man ignored him, though, looking around in sickbay with the nostalgic air of someone visiting the hometown of his childhood.

"I always liked you guys," he said. "You don't have that party pooper attitude. Jean-Luc and Kathy are nice and all, but they can be real killjoys, you know."

"Who are you?" Archer repeated with growing confusion, taking a step towards the intruder. The man looked back at him, tilting his head to one side.

"I am Q."

"Q?" Archer repeated. "Is that a name?"

"Yes and no," the man said. "But you can call me Q."

"Q is a funny name," Trip chirped up.

Q glanced at him and raised an eyebrow.

"Trip is a funny name, too."

"Leave him alone," Archer said, his irritation increasing with every second. "What's that supposed to mean, you are Q? You're not human, are you?"

"I'm much much more than that, my dear Jonny," Q said. "I'm what you would call omnipotent. Almighty. I'm just Q."

"Almighty?" Archer frowned. He definitely did not like this guy. "What are you doing aboard my ship?"

Q grinned. "Just having fun."

Archer stared at him, realization dawning at the back of his mind. "Are you responsible for any of this?" he asked slowly, taking another step towards the man. Q gave him a quizzical look.

"Let's say I caused it. The responsible ones are you, actually. Don't forget that."

"What the hell are you talking about?" Archer noticed that he'd raised his voice, but at the moment he didn't really care. "Where is the rest of my crew? What did you do to them?"

"They are fine," Q answered, ignoring Archer's anger. "I'm more worried about you, Jonny. You don't seem to be getting the message of this."

Archer stared at him, at a loss for words, when he suddenly heard Phlox' voice.

"Who is that, Captain?"

Archer turned and saw Phlox standing there, still holding Hoshi by the hand.

"Ah, Dr. Phlox!" Q exclaimed, getting up from the biobed. "I've been looking forward to meeting you in person."

Phlox raised his eyebrows. "I'm afraid I don't know you."

"Of course, I haven't introduced myself yet. How inconsiderate of me! I am Q," the man said with a flourish and a bow. Phlox eyebrows climbed even higher.

"How interesting," he said. "What species are you?"

"Well, I am Q."

T'Pol spoke up. "You said so four times already," she said reproachfully. "And to my knowledge, "Q" is not a known species."

"Ah, but there you are mistaken, my dear," Q said. "You should talk to Jean-Luc one of these days. He could tell you some interesting stories."

"Excuse me if I'm interrupting," Archer said acidly, "but I don't really have the time for your silly games. If you're indeed responsible for this, then you'd better let my crew go and change my senior crew back to normal, or -"

"Or what?" Q interrupted. "Are you going to lock me up in the brig? Shoot me? You're so cute when you're angry."

By now, Archer was shaking with fury. "You come here, say you're "Q", claim you're almighty and tell me that you've abducted my crew just to "have some fun"! Do you think I believe one word of what you are saying?"

"Now, now, Jonny, watch your blood pressure." Q grinned and turned to Phlox. "You know, I just don't understand it. Here I am, looking all honest and trustworthy in that wonderful Starfleet uniform of yours, and this man just doesn't believe me when I'm telling him that I'm almighty. It's a shame."

Phlox tilted his head to one side. "Well, you'll have to admit that it is quite the implausible assertion."

Q nodded somberly. "You may have a point there, doctor. Well, it's no picnic, being almighty."

"What do you want?" Archer fought to keep his voice calm. "What's this all about?"

"You're not the brightest candle on the birthday cake, are you, Jonny?" Q gave him a reproachful look. "Didn't you listen? It's about me being almighty."

Archer took a deep breath, but before he could say anything, T'Pol piped up again.

"I do not believe that you are almighty," she announced. "It would be illogical for an almighty being to engage in this kind of conversation."

Q's face lit up. "Do you want me to prove that I'm almighty? Really almighty? As almighty as one can get?"

"You really enjoy saying that, don't you?" Phlox asked. "Interesting psychological phenomenon."

Archer briefly closed his eyes. "Yes," he said. "We want you to prove it. Bring back the crew."

"Ah, I won't fall for that one, Jonny," Q said. "It has all been tried before. You should know you can't trick me. After all, I'm almighty."

"What's almighty?" Travis asked. Q smiled at him.

"Being almighty means you can do whatever you want, my dear boy," he said. "It's quite a lot of fun, I can tell you."

"So you really can do whatever you want?" Trip asked in an awed tone of voice. Q nodded smugly.

"Everything I want."

"So can you... can you magic all of us to the Mount Everest?"

"NO!!" Archer yelled, but it was too late. Q snapped his fingers; a second later sickbay disappeared and they found themselves standing knee-deep in snow on the edge of a very steep precipice. The air was foggy, and Archer had to squint his eyes shut against the icy wind. Q was standing a few feet away, wearing a pink wooly hat on his head and a smug smile on his face.

"Q!!" Archer shouted. "Take us back - NOW!!"

"Say the magic word," Q sang, crossing his arms in front of his chest. By now, Travis and Hoshi had begun to cry, and T'Pol was shivering violently. Trip looked around with an amazed expression on his face.

"Wow!" he said. Phlox picked up the crying Hoshi, brushing the snow off her clothes, and gave Archer an imploring look.

"Captain," he said, and Archer turned back to Q, trying to keep his voice level as he spoke again.

"Take us back, Q. Please."

Q shook his head, grinning. "That's the wrong one, Jonny. As Dr. Phlox pointed out before, there's one thing I really like to hear. Say it, Jonny. What am I?"

Archer closed his eyes. "You're almighty," he said through gritted teeth, and a second later they were back in sickbay. Q patted him on the back.

"Now, that wasn't so hard, Jonny, was it?"

Archer whirled around. "You- who do you think you ARE?!! You could've killed all of us! Now bring back my crew, and then get the hell off my ship, you arrogant bastard! And if you don't-"

"Then what?" Q asked pleasantly. "You keep forgetting that I'm almighty."

"I DON'T GIVE A SHIT IF YOU'RE ALMIGHTY OR IF YOUR NAME'S Q OR CUCUMBER OR WHATEVER!! JUST BRING BACK MY CREW!!"

Q took on an air of mock indignation. "Now, Jonny, I really don't like that cucumber pun! No jokes with names, that's what I say. And if that's the way you treat your guests here, then I think I'll just make it like a tree and leave."

He snapped his fingers, and a moment later there was only thin air left where Q had been standing only seconds before. A moment of silence followed.

"Where did the man go?" Travis asked, looking up at Phlox. The doctor didn't answer, however, meeting Archer's eyes with an unusually serious expression on his face.

"Captain," he said, "I think we have a problem."

Archer stared at him, realizing only now what he had just done. If he'd really offended that unpredictable being so that he'd never come back, they indeed had one hell of a problem on their hands. Archer shook his head.

"He can't do that," he said, "he just can't. I'm sure there're laws or rules he has to obey. He has to come back."

Phlox raised an eyebrow. "And what if not? What are you planning to do with them?" He gestured at the children. Archer swallowed. He knew he couldn't let that happen.

"Q!" he called. "Q! Come back! I'm sorry! I didn't mean to offend you!" He paused, but nothing happened.

"Come on!" Archer called, feeling despair rise within him. "Please, Q! Come back! I'm really sorry!" An idea came to his mind, and he considered, then shrugged. It couldn't hurt to try.

"Q! COME BACK! YOU'RE ALMIGHTY!"

"Very nice, Jonny," said Q, who was suddenly standing next to him again. "It took a while, but I think you're getting the hang of it. It sounds wonderful, doesn't it? Almighty." Q smacked his lips in delight. "Aaalmightyyy. Aaaaalmiiiiightyyyyy."

"Aaaaalmiiightyyyy," Trip repeated. "Yeah, I think I'm almighty, too."

"Oh, it takes a lot of practice, being aaalmiiightyyyy," Q said, and Phlox regarded him thoughtfully.

"I think you've developed quite the neurosis there, haven't you," he said, and Q nodded, obviously flattered.

Archer closed his eyes. Okay, he thought, deep breathing, Jon. Deep breathing. You can handle this. You're not going crazy.

"Listen, Q," he said, opening his eyes again. "How about if we just sit down and talk this through like... sane people?"

"Sane. Saaaiinn. What a nice word. But not as good as aaaalmiiiightyyyy!"

Archer took a deep breath. "Q-" he began, and Q held his hands up in defeat.

"Okayokay, if you're going to be a party pooper like Jean-Luc and Kathy, then so be it." He took a seat on one of the biobeds and folded his hands. "What do you want to talk about?"

Archer paused. "Well," he said. "Alright. I think I mentioned before that I really would like to have my crew back. And soon. So do you think there is the slightest chance that you're going to do anything about this?"

"Sarcasm doesn't suit you, Jonny," Q said. "I liked you better when you were screaming. Your face turned that funny shade of red."

Phlox cleared his throat. "This lack of concentration is alarming, don't you think," he said. "Have you ever thought about consulting a psychologist about it?"

Q smiled at him. "I like you," he said. "I really like you. You understand me. You know, sometimes it's so hard, being almighty. Aaaalm-"

"We're not talking about you being almighty right now," Archer interrupted. "We're talking about my crew. So are you going to bring them back?"

Q sighed. "Oh well, if it's that important to you..." He raised his hand and Archer held his breath.

Do it, he thought, just do it. Snap these stupid fingers of yours.

Q, however, stopped in his tracks. He lowered his hand again, crossing his arms in front of his chest.

"No," he said, "no, I don't think so. You know, Jonny, I really didn't like that cucumber joke of yours. I don't think I'm going to let you off the hook that easily."

Archer felt close to tears. "What do you want? Do you want me to say sorry? I am. I am terribly, terribly sorry I called you a cucumber. Now would you please -"

"No," Q said, turning his head away. "No I won't. That was really mean of you and I'm quite offended. Besides, I promised Jean-Luc I'd give him a break, so I need something to occupy myself with in the meantime."

"You need something to occupy yourself," Archer repeated, and Q nodded sadly.

"Yes, you know, it's an awful lonely life, being aaal-"

"Okay," Archer said quickly, "okay. So you need something to occupy yourself. I suppose there's something you... you want us to do?"

Q regarded him for a moment. "You know, actually I hadn't thought of that yet, but... that's a good idea!" He jumped up, spreading his arms in a dramatic gesture. "A mission!" he cried. "A quest! Yes, that's a wonderful idea!"

Archer stared at him, not for the first time today feeling as if he'd fallen through the rabbit hole.

"Wait, Q. If you hadn't even thought of that before, why don't you just forget what I said and bring back my crew-"

"No, no, Jonny. That was a wonderful idea of yours, and I've already thought of a mission you're really going to like."

"Have you?" Archer asked weakly. "And what would that be?"

"All right." Q paused dramatically. "To save your fellow officers and your crew, you have to find the Lake of Learning and drink the Water of Wisdom."

Archer stared at him. "The Lake of Learning? Is that an expression?"

"No," Q said, "it's a lake. Big hole with water in it, you know."

"Okay. Go to the Lake of Learning and drink the Water of Wisdom. Where's that Lake of Learning?"

Q smiled nastily. "Yes, well, the Lake of Learning is hard to find. But a man with a pure heart and a noble soul-"

"Q!"

Q rolled his eyes. "Alright, alright. The coordinates are in your navigation computer."

Archer nodded, then gave Q another resigned look. "And you're serious about this?"

"Of course, I'm always Sirius. And sometimes I'm Harry Potter."

Archer blinked, but then wisely decided not to ask. Q smiled at the children and patted Phlox on the shoulder.

"Well, my dears, it has been a pleasure meeting you. But now I have to go and leave you to your quest. And if you ever run into any real trouble, don't forget: I'm almighty! Aaaalmiiightyyy!"

He snapped his fingers and disappeared. Archer sat down heavily on the edge of a biobed, meeting Phlox' eyes in resignation.

"He's mental, don't you think?"

Phlox raised his eyebrows. "It appears so," he said. "What are you going to do now, Captain?"

Archer sighed. "Well," he said, "We've got the coordinates, we've got a mission... looks like we don't have much of a choice."

For a moment no one said a word. Then Hoshi's voice broke the silence.

"I want my mom."

Archer turned his head to look at her and took another deep breath. Me too, he thought. Me too.

TBC...

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