Title: The Q Experience

Authors: Sita/T'eyla

Rating: PG

Genre: Humor/General

AN: Thanks to csifan2000 (Will Archer drink the Water of Wisdom? Well, in a way... wait and see! :-) ), Dacker Spaniel, A. Windsor, HopefulNebula, KaliedescopeCat (LOL, a cueball ;-) ), Gabi (stimmt schon, die Crew war für *irgendwas* da... sollte man zumindest annehmen... aber das lassen wir mal außen vor und nehmen an, dass Q schon alles am Laufen hält und sich Archer komplett aufs Babysitten konzentrieren kann. Q will schließlich Entertainment :-)! ), Anna Yolei (hehheh, glad you liked the Harry Potter joke. We thought Q's puns to be quite horrible, but, hey, even horrible can be funny;-) ), Exploded Pen (so THAT's what it is... we thought it was some kinda whisky ;-) ), and Reedie for reviewing.

Here's Chapter 4... please r&r!

Disclaimer: Hamster Huey is not ours (don't ask, just read it *g*).

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Chapter 4: Babysitter Blues - It's Not That I Don't Like Kids...

Archer was sitting on his bed, staring down at the novel he was trying to read, feeling kind of bored. He'd read the same sentence at least five times now and still didn't know what it was saying. Sighing, Archer resigned to the fact that he just wasn't able to concentrate at the moment and put the padd aside. Out of habit, he turned around and reached for his water ball, thinking he might do a little target practice on the wall of his quarters, but the shelf next to his bed was empty. Archer frowned, then remembered that he'd given the ball to Trip when he and Malcolm had come to his quarters, asking if they could take Porthos for a walk. Neither the ball nor Porthos had returned yet, and Archer was beginning to feel just a little lonesome in here.

Still, it was a relief, having a few hours to himself for a change. They'd been on their way for three days now, en route to the coordinates Q had given them, and if Archer was being honest with himself then he had to admit that these three days had been some of the more challenging ones in his career as a Starfleet captain. Babysitting a bunch of kids was a much more straining job that he'd ever imagined it could be. On the evening of the first day, Archer had all but collapsed on his bed, falling asleep in a matter of seconds.

After setting a course to the coordinates they'd found in the navigation computer, Archer and Phlox had found themselves facing the problem of what to do with the kids, who were with the exception of T'Pol certainly not old enough to be left alone for a longer period of time. Finally they'd decided on putting them all up in sickbay instead of sending them to their own quarters, again with the exception of T'Pol, who'd been very emphatic on the point that she was not going to share quarters with a bunch of human children.

Since they couldn't very well let the kids sleep on the high, narrow biobeds, Phlox had cleared out one of his storage rooms and put a few mattresses in there, creating something that reminded Archer strongly of the Boy Scout camping outings of his childhood. The kids, of course, had been all enthusiastic at the prospect of sleeping packed like sardines in a small, crammed room, and even though Archer hadn't been too happy with that solution he hadn't voiced his doubts, leaving it to Phlox to get the children settled. The next morning when Phlox had told him that except for some pillow fights and a few tears on Hoshi's part the night had been uneventful, Archer had been quite relieved.

All in all, the kids seemed to be coping quite well with the situation - sometimes Archer had the impression that they were doing better than he himself was. During the days, they were mostly with Phlox, who seemed to have a never-ending patience when it came to breaking up fights, cleaning up behind Trip and Malcolm and explaining to Hoshi over and over again why she couldn't have her mom. He also proved to be quite resourceful in finding new things to do for the kids who at times were all but bouncing off the walls with pent-up energy, especially the boys. Travis was the worst by far, seemingly unable to sit still for more than one minute, but as long as he got the opportunity to vent some of his energy by running and jumping around in the gym for at least two hours a day, he was fairly easy to get along with. He never seemed to feel homesick, either, unlike Hoshi who was very unhappy at times, having trouble falling asleep at night and crying a lot in general. She seemed to have chosen T'Pol as her substitute mom, following the older girl wherever she went. T'Pol didn't seem to mind, and when she wasn't having one of her moods she took the part of the substitute parent quite willingly, sometimes even taking the little girl with her when she was "doing her studies". T'Pol spent most of her days holed up in her quarters at the computer terminal, and ever since Archer had given her access to the main data base, he doubted she even took a break to sleep at night.

Malcolm and Trip, on the other hand, had the uncanny talent of driving even the most patient of babysitters up the wall. Over the last three days they'd managed to break two of Phlox' med scanners, had flooded the bathroom at least three times, had wrecked one of the cupboards in mess hall and had accidentally let Phlox' bat out of her cage while playing 'explorers' in sickbay. When they weren't busy creating some kind of mess or other, they were sure to be found either in mess hall or sickbay, engaged in a heated discussion or sometimes even a fist fight about matters Archer wasn't sure even they themselves fully understood.

Yesterday, when Phlox had almost lost his patience with them after they'd knocked over a cupboard playing rugby in sickbay, Archer had decided the doctor could use a break and had taken the two boys with him for a tour of the ship. They hadn't gotten very far, though. One of their first stops had been the Armoury, and when Malcolm had seen the vast supply of guns and torpedoes stored there, he'd refused to leave before he hadn't thoroughly examined every single type of weapon Enterprise's Armoury had to offer. That way they'd passed several hours, and when Malcolm had finally announced that he was done, both boys had been beat and had actually agreed to take a short nap.

Unfortunately, there was only one Armoury aboard Enterprise, and today had been business as usual, the kids driving him and Phlox crazy... well, him at least. When Trip and Malcolm had started fighting for the third time in fifteen minutes, Archer had decided he just needed a few hours of peace and quiet and had taken refuge in his quarters.

By now, however, he felt guilt begin to nag at the back of his mind. Ever since that whole transformation business had happened, Phlox had taken over most of the babysitter job, and even though he wasn't complaining, Archer was getting a bad conscience about the way he left it all to the doctor. It was quite a straining job, after all.

Coming to a decision, he got up. Maybe Phlox could use some help, and besides, Archer was beginning to feel hungry. Giving the padd on his bed a last regretting glance, Archer stretched and headed for the door.

As he entered the mess hall, he saw Phlox sitting at a table, the kids all gathered around him, making one hell of a noise as usual.

"I want hamburgers! With fries and ketchup! And a coke!"

"I want icecream! Chocolate icecream!"

"Can we make fried potatoes? With ketchup!"

"I suggest we prepare some plomeek soup. It is nutritious as well as-"

"No, I want hamburgers! With fries!"

"What's going on here?" Archer asked, sitting down on the edge of the table. Phlox looked up at him, smiling happily.

"We're discussing what we're going to have for supper," he said, raising his voice to be heard over the racket the children were making. "Our supply of prepared dishes is running low, so it seems like we're going to have to cook for ourselves from now on. Any suggestions, Captain?"

"Please, can we make fried potatoes?" Malcolm piped up again, but his suggestion was drowned out by the noise Travis was making.

"I want icecream! I want icecream! I want icecream!"

"You can't cook icecream, Travis," Phlox said pleasantly, but Travis didn't pay him the slightest attention, beginning to hop up and down.

"I want icecream! I want icecream!"

Archer caught him around the waist and picked him up. "Okay," he said. "Quiet now. We can have icecream for dessert. Any other suggestions?"

"Hamburgers!" Trip cried, and T'Pol raised a disapproving eyebrow.

"There is no need to shout," she said, shifting Hoshi on her arm. "I think plomeek soup would be the logical choice, since -"

"I don't like soup!" Trip said complainingly. "Please, can we make hamburgers?"

"Well," Archer said, feeling a headache starting, "I don't think I know how to cook plomeek soup. So... what about spaghetti?"

"I don't like spaghetti!" Trip crossed his arms. "I want hamburgers."

"I think spaghetti is a good idea," Phlox said heartily. "Maybe we can make hamburgers tomorrow, hm?"

Trip considered for a moment. "Okay," he said then. "But I want ketchup with my spaghetti!"

Archer nodded. "You can have ketchup with your spaghetti." He looked at Phlox. "By the way, doc, have you ever learned to cook?"

Phlox raised his eyebrows at him. "Not human food, but it can't be too hard, can it?"

Archer sighed. "Well, I think I'll manage spaghetti," he said. "Let's go."

-###-

"My mom says I can't have spaghetti when we're eatin' out," Trip said while slurping up the pasta strings that were dangling from his mouth. "She says it's too embarrassing."

Surveying the table and the kids that were by now generously covered in spaghetti sauce and ketchup, Archer sighed.

"I can see her point," he said, thinking that maybe spaghetti hadn't been such a good idea after all. From the corner of his eye he saw Travis reaching for the ketchup bottle again and hastily snatched it out of his reach.

"You've had enough ketchup," he said, feeling faintly sick as he looked at Travis' plate, which contained a few mashed up spaghetti and what looked like half a liter of ketchup. Travis pouted.

"But I want more ketchup!"

Archer shook his head. "You've had enough."

Ignoring Travis' glare, Archer turned to Phlox who was consuming spaghetti at an amazing speed, apparently unaffected by the mess the kids were making.

"Do all kids eat like that?" Archer asked, and Phlox looked up, raising his eyebrows.

"Oh yes," he said. "Mine did, at least. I think that's something all species have in common, with the possible exception of the Vulcans."

"Really." Archer sighed again, secretly wishing he could follow T'Pol's example and just take his plate to eat in his quarters, but he couldn't very well leave the whole cleaning up job to Phlox.

Why is it that everything kids get their hands on turns into a complete mess? he thought, grabbing a napkin and wiping off his grimy, sticky ketchup fingers. Why can't they eat like normal people?

Malcolm gave a small burp. "I feel kind of sick," he said, pushing away his plate. "I don't think I can finish that."

"I told you not to drink so much of that soda." Phlox took Malcolm's plate and transferred its contents onto his own. "You're not very hungry today, are you, Captain?" he asked, raising his eyebrows at Archer's almost untouched spaghetti. Archer looked at Hoshi who was staring blankly into space, absentmindedly picking her nose.

"No, not really."

Phlox stuffed the last of his spaghetti into his mouth and looked around. "Well, looks like everyone's finished, hm?"

"I feel really sick," said Malcolm, who was rather pale in the face. "I think I'm going to-"

Phlox jumped up. "To the bathroom! Quick!"

Shooing Malcolm towards the door, Phlox hurriedly left the mess hall. Trip looked after them with an interested expression on his face.

"You think he's gonna puke?"

Archer turned around and saw that Hoshi had fallen asleep, her head resting on the table next to her plate. He sighed again. It was going to be a long trip.

-###-

A few hours later, Archer was sitting on a biobed in sickbay, watching the kids play. They seemed to be quite tired, and even Trip and Malcolm hadn't been fighting for over half an hour now, sitting on the sickbay floor and playing Monopoly as peacefully as you please. Travis was sitting nearby, building Travis City with the small Monopoly houses he'd emptied onto the floor earlier. He was looking quite sleepy. Porthos was here as well, curled up underneath one of the biobeds with Hoshi sitting next to him. She looked like she would be nodding off any minute now, sucking her thumb, leaning against Porthos who didn't mind at all being used as a cushion.

Seeing how tired the kids seemed to be, Archer came to a decision. If they were that sleepy, maybe putting them to bed wouldn't be too much trouble tonight. And Phlox really deserved a break. Sliding off the biobed, Archer walked over to the counter where Phlox was busy feeding maggots to his bat. The doctor dropped another green wriggling worm into the cage, then closed the lid and looked up at Archer.

"She is still recovering from her little adventure yesterday." Phlox popped one of the maggots into his mouth and chewed on it, a thoughtful expression on his face. "Being out of her cage always leaves her a little cranky, but I'm sure she'll be alright."

"That's good to hear." Archer cleared his throat. "Doctor, what do you think of taking an evening off? You've been having the kids for three nights now, and I'm sure you could use a break."

Phlox raised his eyebrows. "Are you sure you'll be able to handle them?"

At the doctor's sceptical tone of voice, Archer started feeling a little less confident about his offer, but all the same he nodded, dismissing his doubts.

"Yes, I think so," he said. "They seem to be quite tired, so there shouldn't be too much trouble."

Tilting his head to one side, Phlox looked at him for a moment. "Very well, Captain." He gathered up the maggot container and put it away on a shelf, then grabbed a few padds from the counter. "I'll use the time to catch up on some of my reading. And you're really sure about this?"

Archer, who felt just the tiniest bit offended at Phlox' lack of confidence in his babysitting abilities, shrugged dismissively. "Yes, why not?"

"Well, alright, Captain." Phlox gave him one of his broad smiles. "Good luck, then. I'll be off, but feel free to call me if there is any trouble."

"Thanks, doc," Archer said, making up his mind that he wouldn't call Phlox under any circumstances whatsoever. "Good night."

After the sickbay doors had slid shut behind Phlox, Archer sat back down on the edge of the biobed, letting his eyes wander over the room. The boys still hadn't started a fight, but were playing more or less quietly, spreading the contents of the Monopoly game all over the floor. By now, Malcolm seemed to have recovered from his earlier trip to the bathroom; he was frowning down at the board, counting his money with a concentrated expression on his face. Archer looked over to where Hoshi was sitting and saw that she'd fallen asleep, her head resting against Porthos' side. He got up.

"Alright, kids," he said. "Bedtime."

No one paid him the slightest attention, except for Travis who briefly raised his head, giving him an indifferent glance, then looked back down and continued arranging the Monopoly houses by color and size. Archer cleared his throat.

"Umm... it's bedtime," he said a little helplessly. "You have to go to bed now."

"I'm not tired," Travis said, destroying his city with one swipe of his hand. "I don't want to go to bed. I need to finish this first."

Kneeling down beside him, Archer started gathering up the small houses and put them back into the box.

"You can finish that tomorrow," he said, and jumped when Travis let out an outraged cry.

"My city!" He started to cry. Archer stopped picking up the houses and gave him a puzzled look.

"But you... you just messed it all up yourself!"

"MY CITY!" Travis wailed, and Archer winced at his high-pitched tone of voice. "YOU WRECKED MY CITY!!"

"I didn't do anything to your city!" Archer said, but his voice was drowned out by Travis who was howling away at the top of his lungs. Archer stared at him for a moment, at a loss what to do. Then a thought came to his mind.

"You know what," he said, raising his voice to be heard, "if you stop crying now and go to bed, then I'll read something to you later!"

Travis closed his mouth shut and blinked up at him. "What?"

Archer shrugged. "Whatever you want," he said, relieved to see Travis smile again. Taking him by the hand, he got up.

"Well, you two," he said to Trip and Malcolm. "It's bedtime. Put that game away now."

Trip looked up. "I'm not goin' to bed at the same time he is," he said indignantly, jerking his chin in the direction of Travis. "I'm much older than him."

In the back of Archer's mind the realization began to dawn that agreeing to babysit these monsters had probably been one of the bigger mistakes of his career.

"And when do you plan to go to bed?" he asked, but his sarcasm was wasted on Trip who just shrugged, turning back to the board.

"Not now."

Before Archer had the chance to answer, Malcolm spoke up as well, obviously realizing that Archer was about to get just a little annoyed.

"In an hour, okay?"

"Two hours!" Trip said. Archer gritted his teeth, inwardly counting to ten before he spoke.

"One hour, and not a minute longer."

"Yes, sir," Malcolm said, and Trip grumbled something that sounded like "well, alright".

While Travis was brushing his teeth, Archer tried to convince Hoshi to leave her spot under the biobed and put on her pajamas.

"Come on, Hoshi," he said, gently trying to loosen her grip on Porthos' midst. "You have to go to bed now."

"I don't want to go to bed," Hoshi whined, scrunching up her face as she looked up at him. "I want my mom."

"I know," Archer said. "You know what, you can take Porthos to bed with you. Then you won't feel all lonely."

Slowly, Hoshi got up, taking him by the hand, and followed him to the bathroom.

When she and Travis were all settled in bed, Porthos lying curled up on a pillow nearby, Hoshi started to whine again.

"I don't want to sleep in here," she said. "I'm afraid of the monsters."

"The monsters?" Archer asked, sitting down next to her bed. "There are no monsters."

"Yes there are. Malcolm said there're monsters in here. Big green and slimy ones, and they eat only girls."

Thanks a lot, Mr. Reed, Archer thought. Aloud he said, "There're no monsters in here. Really. Malcolm was only pulling your leg. Besides, you've got Porthos with you."

"He's too small. He can't eat the monsters."

Archer smiled. "Oh, don't underestimate him. I always have Porthos with me at night, and I've never been eaten by monsters." There've been some close calls, though, he added in thought. Hoshi still didn't look quite convinced, but nodded all the same, lying back down on her pillow.

"Okay," she said. Archer got up and was about to leave the room when Travis spoke up.

"You promised you'd read to me!"

Archer turned around, sighing. "You wouldn't forget that, would you." He sat back down next to Travis. "So, what do you want me to read?"

Travis bent down and picked up some padds that were lying next to his mattress.

"Dr. Phlox gave me these," he said, handing the padds to Archer. "He said I'd like them."

Archer scrolled through them and saw that each padd contained at least seven picture books. He looked back at Travis who was watching him expectantly.

"You don't want me to read all of them, do you?"

Travis nodded emphatically. "My dad reads me five books every night!"

Archer swallowed. "Three, okay?"

Travis considered for a moment, then nodded again. "Okay, three. But I want my favorite."

Archer leafed through the padds. "Which one would that be?"

Travis grinned. "'Hamster Huey And The Gooey Kablooie'!"

"What?"

"'Hamster Huey And The-'"

"Okay, okay," Archer said, deciding that reading a story named 'Hamster Huey And The Gooey Kablooie' wasn't too high a price for Travis to finally fall asleep. "Well, let's see..."

Fifteen minutes later, Archer had reached the middle of the third book and found himself wondering what kind of people it were that thought up these picture book stories. Travis, on the other hand, seemed to have thoroughly enjoyed them, but by now he was slowly nodding off, his gaze becoming hazy and his eyes beginning to droop. Just when Archer put aside the last padd, quietly getting to his feet, he suddenly heard a loud crash, followed by an outraged scream.

"YOU CHEAT!"

Archer took a quick glance at Hoshi and Travis, who were both fast asleep by now, then hurried towards the door. The bulkhead slid aside and Archer stopped in his tracks.

"I WASN'T CHEATING! YOU'RE JUST TOO DUMB TO - AAGH! LET GO OF MY HAIR!"

Malcolm and Trip were rolling in a heap on the sickbay floor between the scattered Monopoly pieces, kicking and screaming and gripping handfuls of each other's hair. Trip had just whacked his elbow against Malcolm's chin while Malcolm was reaching out for his neck, obviously attempting to strangle him, when Archer ripped them apart.

"WHAT'S GOING ON HERE? ARE YOU OUT OF YOUR MIND?"

"He didn't pay his rent! TWICE!!" raged Trip, struggling in Archer's firm grip.

"He's LYING!!" Malcolm shouted, blood dripping from his lip. "And he was cheating, TOO! He kept taking money from the bank!!"

Archer looked from one disheveled, red-faced boy to the other. "What are you talking about?"

"HE DIDN'T PAY HIS RENT!!!" Trip managed to break free and attacked Malcolm, who gave him a hard shove. Stumbling backwards, Trip landed on his butt between all the Monopoly pieces and started to cry.

Archer grabbed Malcolm by the arm. "Are you crazy?!"

"He started it!" Malcolm said, wiping his lip. When he saw the blood on his hand, he started crying as well. "I'm bleeding!" he panicked. "Bleeding!!"

"You'll live," Archer said, not-too-gently taking him by the arms and pushing him onto a nearby chair. Then he went over to where Trip was still sitting on the Monopoly board and pulled him to his feet.

"Stop crying," he said. "You brought this on yourself."

"He pushed me!" Trip wailed, tears spurting from his eyes. "Right into that Monopoly stuff!"

Archer pulled him over to the chair next to Malcolm's. "Well, hitting other people so hard they're bleeding isn't exactly a peaceful solution either, is it."

Sniffling, Trip sat down, pulling his chair away from Malcolm's and glaring at the other boy. Malcolm, however, was still thoroughly occupied with smearing the blood all over his face, shirt and hands, taking no notice of anyone around him. Archer sat down on the edge of a biobed, letting out a deep breath.

"So," he said, "now what exactly was the problem?"

"He didn't pay his rent," Trip said, wiping his nose on his sleeve. "Twice. And when I told him to, he said he'd already paid it."

"I did pay it!" Malcolm looked up, an expression of outrage on his face. "He's lying!"

Archer sighed. "And that's why you were trying to kill each other?"

None of them answered, both staring down at the floor, sniffling sulkily. Archer got up.

"Well, I don't think I have to tell you that it's not okay to punch someone in the face so hard that they're bleeding..." He saw Malcolm shooting Trip a triumphant look and continued, "...or to push them into a heap of sharp objects, either. I don't care who paid or didn't pay his rent, but-"

"Twice!" Trip said. "He didn't pay it twice!"

"...BUT I won't have this kind of behaviour from two of my senior o-... no, forget it." Archer felt a headache starting. "Anyway, next time try talking about it first before you start ripping off each other's head, okay? You're both old enough to know better." Archer looked from one boy to the other, and judging by their stubborn expressions he could see that he hadn't gotten through to them at all. "Well..." he said a little helplessly, "now go on and say sorry-"

"I won't say sorry to him!" Trip said, giving Malcolm another deadly glare. Malcolm stuck his tongue out at him, and Trip got up.

"See? See what he's doin'?" He advanced on Malcolm. "Oh, I'm gonna-"

Malcolm jumped up as well. "Yeah, what?!"

"Now stop it!" Archer grabbed them both by the arms. "What's wrong with you? It's just a game!"

"He didn't pay his-"

"I KNOW HE DIDN'T PAY HIS RENT!!"

"I DID pay it!!" Malcolm yelled, and Archer briefly closed his eyes, taking a deep breath before continuing.

"Okay," he said. "Well. Fine. I see it's absolutely no use trying to talk to you, so I'd say you are both going to bed now."

"I'm not goin' to bed!" Trip cried, and Malcolm added, "Me neither!"

"Oh yes you are," Archer said, dragging them off towards the bathroom. Pushing the panel beside the door with his elbow, he released both their arms, pointing at the sink.

"Okay, now brush your teeth, and you, wash that blood off your face."

He saw Trip glaring at Malcolm out of the corner of his eyes. "Don't you dare!" Archer said, and at the tone of his voice both boys quickly turned to the sink, busying themselves with the task of squeezing tooth paste onto their tooth brushes. The next few minutes passed in sulking silence, and Archer experienced once more the by now familiar feeling of surreality. These two were Trip and Malcolm, Engineer and Security Chief of his ship, for God's sake, and here he was, trying to keep them from ramming their tooth brushes down each other's throat while getting ready for bed. Q, he thought, someday, somehow I'm gonna make you pay for this.

Before they entered the bedroom, Archer turned to the boys one more time.

"Okay, now don't you wake up the little ones," he said. "I've had enough trouble for one night."

Malcolm nodded curtly and Trip didn't say anything at all. Archer pushed the panel beside the door, and the bulkhead slid open.

"Night," he said, but neither of them answered, slowly shuffling past him into the bedroom.

When the door had closed behind them, Archer slumped against the wall, wiping his forehead. Raising his eyes, he surveyed the room and sighed as he saw his old Monopoly game scattered all over the floor. Slowly, he started gathering up the pieces, and his bad mood even dropped by a few degrees as he saw just how much of it was broken. When he was done, he sadly regarded the bent and dented box for another moment, then put it away on a high shelf. He'd be damned if he ever let those two violent psychopaths get their hands on it again.

Collapsing on one of the biobeds, Archer let out a deep sigh. Silence. The sweet sound of silence. He realized he'd never really appreciated it before. Archer yawned, groping for the novel he'd left on the nightstand earlier.

Thank God they're in bed now, he thought. Well, but on the whole, I think I didn't do too bad.

He rolled onto his side, and a few minutes later he was totally absorbed in his reading.

TBC...

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