Daria owned by Eichler and Lewis blah blah blah
This Used To Be My Playground is Madonna's and whoever wrote it
Change and Remembrance
by atimnie
Charles Ruttheimer III was not himself, much to the relief of most of Lawndale. He sat in a booth at Pizza King, eating a slice of pizza and looking like a cat that had quit catnip cold turkey. Daria and Jane were in the next booth, sharing a medium "garbage" pizza. Charles sighed loudly, took a bite of his pizza, sighed again, took another bite, sighed again...
"I know I'm gonna hate myself for doing this, but..." Daria said quietly to Jane, then, louder, "Hey, Upchuck, is there something you'd like to talk about?"
Jane looked at Daria, slightly shocked.
"Don't blame me," said Daria, "blame my damn nonexistent conscience."
Charles debated for a moment if he really wanted to talk about it. He took another bite of pizza, sighed again, and said, "My two favorite cousins, Brad and Brett, are moving to Highland, Texas."
"Isn't that your hometown, Daria?" asked Jane.
"Um, yes, it is," said Daria, somewhat uneasily.
"Were you close?" Jane asked Charles.
"What do you mean 'were'? They're not dead, just moving away."
"Sor-REE. Jeesh, bite my head off, why doncha."
"Sorry, Jane, I'm just really upset, I didn't mean to take it out on you."
"Eh, no biggie. When are they moving?"
"The day after tomorrow. I promised to help them get their stuff together after I finish my pizza. After they get unpacked, my uncle will come back here to tie up some loose ends."
"Your uncle is coming back?" said Daria. "Do you think I could ride with them to Highland, and then back with your uncle?"
"Well, you'd have to ask my uncle, of course, but I don't think there should be a problem. It would take a few days, there and back. Do you have enough money for hotels?"
"I do if I raid my college fund."
Jane looked slightly confused. "Daria, can I have a word with you, in private? Excuse us, Upchuck."
She grabbed Daria by the wrist and led her to the ladies room.
"Okay, spill. Now."
"Spill what? What are you getting so dramatic about?"
"You told me that Highland was a nightmare, with even more idiots in it than Lawndale, and now you're asking Upchuck if you can ride with a whole family carrying the dreaded Ruttheimer gene. I'm guessing there must be some drastic reasons behind this, and you're not leaving this room until you tell me what those reasons are."
"I have some unfinished business to attend to."
"And this unfinished business is..."
"Unfinished, that's why I have to go back."
"Daria..."
"Jane, drop it. It's personal. And stop looking at me like that. I can't tell you why, I just have to go back to Highland."
"Daria, if you value our friendship..."
"If YOU value our friendship, you'll let it go. Sorry, but there are some things that you don't tell even a best friend."
Jane stared hard at Daria. "Oh, alright, I guess you can have this one secret, but just know that it's driving me crazy not knowing."
"Yes, I know. Sorry."
The two walked out of the ladies room and back to the booth.
"Are you ready, Daria?" asked Charles.
"I just have to make a quick call, be just a few seconds."
"What about the pizza?" asked Jane.
"It's yours," said Daria, as she headed to the payphone.
Jane slid back in the booth. She picked up a slice. "Um, have a slice while you're waiting, Upchuck?"
"No thanks, I don't have much of an appetite right now."
A minute passed. And then another. And another.
"Are you sure you don't want a slice?"
"Yes, quite sure, thanks."
After ten minutes, Daria came back to the booth.
"Those were some long damn seconds, amiga. What took so long?"
"Had to convince the parental units to let me go. They gave me a hard time, but when I told them why, and they saw how important it was to me, they finally relented."
"And the reason you told them was...?"
"Jane..."
"Sorry, can't blame me for trying."
"I could, but it would be wrong. Ready, Upchuck?"
Two days later, Daria was sitting in the back seat of a car in between Brett and Brad Ruttheimer, whom Daria had privately nicknamed the Brat twins. "If either one of you calls me feisty again..."
"Brett, Brad, what did I tell you?" scolded Brenda Ruttheimer from the passenger side of the front seat. "One of these days, someone's gonna smack you right in the mouth."
And it could be today, thought Daria.
"Honestly, I don't know where you get it from," Brenda continued. "You never hear your father talking like that."
"I'll tell you where they get it from," said Ivan from the driver's side front seat, "from Charlie. He thinks he's Hugh Hefner, and he teaches that behavior to his kid, who teaches it to our kids. Maybe you'll find some better influences in Highland."
He don't know Highland very well, do he, thought Daria with a smirk.
"Hey Daria, what's Highland like?" asked Brett.
Hmm, should I tell the truth and give them nightmares, or should I be nice? Ah, what the hell.
"Highland is a lot like Lawndale, but with a different climate. The teachers at Highland High don't know as much as they think they do, just like at Lawndale High. The students are mostly tolerable, with a few notable and irritating exceptions, just like in Lawndale. And the girls you approach with your 'feisty' routine will roll their eyes and call you a nasty name, just like in Lawndale."
Brenda chuckled slightly, but Ivan looked like he had a few words for Daria.
They arrived in Highland two days later and started unpacking. Daria excused herself to take care of her unfinished business.
"I'll be heading back to Lawndale in seven hours," said Ivan, "That should give us enough time to unpack and acquaint ourselves with the neighborhood, so be sure to be back here by four."
"I should be back before then, my unfinished business shouldn't take that long to, um, finish."
Daria left. "For someone who wants to be a journalist, she sure has a strange way with words," Ivan said.
Three hours later, all their possessions were safely in the house, and several boxes had been unpacked.
"What say we take a break from unpacking and check out the neighborhood," said Brenda.
"I saw a Pizza King just two blocks from here," said Brad, "I thought we could check that out."
"Okay, you and Brett can get some lunch at Pizza King, your father and I will check out the high school and see what we have to do to get you enrolled there."
Brad and Brett groaned at this, school not being one of their favorite things.
Daria walked down the streets of her old neighborhood, past the arcade and the school, and then by what had been her home for fifteen years. She stood staring, lost in her thoughts of the past, when a familiar figure came out the front door.
"Mr. Van Dreissen? What are YOU doing here?"
"Huh? Do I know you? Oh, wait, of course, Daria. Wow, you sure look different. Did you get new glasses?"
"Um, yeah, among other things."
"And you got a new outfit. Looks nice. And you changed your hair, too."
"Uh huh. You still didn't say what you're doing here."
"Oh, I live here now. This is my home, such as it is."
"What do you mean, such as it is?"
"The people who lived here before had the place gutted, so basically it's one big open space, with just a few load-bearing posts."
"So much for childhood memories."
"Huh? Oh, that's right, you used to live here. Are you going to be all right?"
"I'll get over it, my childhood memories weren't all that great anyway."
"So, what are YOU doing here, Daria? Is your family moving back to Highland?"
"No, I just came down here with some, uh, friends, to take care of some unfinished business, and to visit a couple of old friends."
"Anyone I know?"
"Mm hmm, Beavis and Butthead."
"Oh, Daria, I don't know how to say this, but Beavis and Butthead are..."
"Yeah, I know, that's sort of why I'm here. There are some things I never said to them before, and it may seem stupid and pointless, but I just thought that I had to say them now. You know, better late than never."
"I understand. Do you know where to find them?"
"Uh huh, and I should be on my way, I have to be back at my friend's house in a few hours to catch a ride back to Lawndale."
"Well, okay then, bye. It was nice seeing you again."
"Um, same here. Bye."
Brad and Brett were a half block from Pizza King when they saw a cute green-eyed blonde girl getting off her bike. Brad approached her with more confidence than he had any right to, and went into full Upchuck lothario mode.
"Well hello there, luscious lady. My name is Brad. And what do they call you?"
"Sensible enough to avoid jerks like you."
"Gr-r-r-r-r, feisty."
"What? Are you on something? Leave me alone, you corn dog."
Brett laughed at his brother when the cute girl went into a book store.
"And just what is so funny, butt monkey?"
Brett got himself under control just long enough to say, "What did she call you? Corn dog? Oh, that's a good one." He started to laugh again.
"Huh, no big loss. She's obviously a brain anyway."
"Just because she went into a book store? Ya know Brad, maybe dad was right, maybe we do need to change our behavior. I mean, has that 'feisty' thing EVER worked?"
"Did you just say dad was right?"
"I said MAYBE he was right. Hell, anything's possible."
"I'll just pretend you didn't say that. Come on, let's get some pizza."
When they walked into Pizza King, they were amazed that it was exactly the same as the one in Lawndale, except that the carpet was a vomitous pink instead of a puke green.
"I wonder if the menu's the same, too," said Brett.
"Well, duh, of course the menu's the same. It's a chain, stupid."
"Yeah, whatever, corn dog."
They sat at a table close to the window.
"So, what'll you boys have?" asked the waitress, a cute brunette of sixteen.
"Well, for starters, your phone number. Gr-r-r-r-rorl-l-l."
Instead of laughing, Brett now looked embarrassed.
"Listen honey," said the waitress, "I don't make nearly enough here to put up with this kinda crap. Just order something, and we can all get on with our lives, okay?"
"Gr-r-r-r-r, feisty," said Brad, totally oblivious.
"Do you, by any chance, know what sexual harassment is? Just cut the crap and order something."
"We'll have a medium pepperoni pizza, with a side of you."
"Medium pepperoni pizza," the waitress repeated through slightly clenched teeth as she walked away, trying her best not to smack Brad into the middle of next week.
A black-haired girl with dark brown eyes walked into Pizza King and sat in a booth next to Brad and Brett.
"Brad, don't. I think we're pushing it here. I mean, I think YOU'RE pushing it. You're lucky the waitress didn't have us thrown out."
"Don't be such a wuss, Brett. Nothing wrong with having a good time, or trying to score."
"Brad..."
Brad was not paying attention to Brett now, turning instead to the girl who had just entered.
"Well, hello there, luscious lady. May I interest you in a tall glass of...me? Gr-r-r-r-r."
"Um, I don't think so. You see, I'm Jewish, and it's against my religion to have anything to do with pork products, piggo."
"G-r-r-r-r-r, feisty."
"Feisty? Yeah, whatever," she said with a slight Texas drawl.
"We're new here," continued Brad, "Perhaps you could show us where we can go to have a good time, if you catch my drift."
"Look, I already have a boyfriend who will be joining me shortly, and he is insanely jealous, so if you're smart, you'll knock it off right now, before he gets here."
"Your lips say no no, but your eyes say yes yes."
"Oh crap!"
"Hmm, not the response I was hoping for, but ACK!"
"Hey Janice, is this creep bothering you?" said a muscular blonde teenaged boy, who was now holding Brad by the neck.
"No Troy, he was, um, just telling a joke, that's all."
"Now why don't I believe that? I think he was trying to pick you up. Were you trying to pick up my girlfriend, creep?"
Brad said nothing.
"Excuse me, Troy, was it?" said Brett, "I think he might be able to speak if you let go of his neck. Just a thought."
Troy let go of Brad's neck. "Well, creep, were you trying to pick her up or not?"
"Actually, yes, but that was before I knew she had a...fine boyfriend such as yourself."
Troy looked confused. "Are you trying to pick ME up now?"
"No! No, just saying that anyone would be crazy to try and pick her up if they knew she had you as a boyfriend. I mean, who could compete with you?"
"Yeah, who can compete with me? Tell ya what, I might let you live if you get out of here right now."
"Actually, we're waiting for a pizza, and..."
"Brad, come on, we can wait for the pizza at the counter, and then get the hell out of here."
"Listen to your friend, creep, it could save your life."
"He's not my friend," said Brett, "he's my brother."
"You have my deepest sympathy on that," said Janice.
"Here's your pizza," said the waitress, tossing a bag on the table. "I made it to go 'cause I figured you'd get yourself in the mess you're in now. I don't want to see you in here again, understand?"
"Now just a minute," said Brad, "you can't throw us out, you're not the owner."
"No, but he is," said the waitress, pointing to a man approaching the table, twice as muscular as Troy, and looking three times meaner.
"You two, out, now," he said quietly, but menacingly.
Brad got up, looking like a puppy that had just been hollered at for chewing up the neighbors garden hose, and Brett was looking like his embarrassed owner. They left Pizza King.
A minute later, Brett walked back into Pizza King.
"I thought we told you to leave and not come back," said the waitress.
"I know, but I forgot something."
"What?"
"Your tip. I usually tip a dollar, but since you had to deal with my brother, I threw in a couple extra."
"Um, thanks."
"I'd like to apologize for my brother. Actually, I should make him come back here and apologize for himself, but he's so friggin' stubborn. Anyway, um, sorry."
Brett turned to go.
"You," said the owner.
"It's okay, I'm leaving, I just wanted to give the waitress her tip."
"I know, I heard the whole thing. You can come back any time. But your brother..."
"I'll try and talk to him, maybe I can get him to apologize yet."
"You're sweet," said the waitress. "Are you sure you're brothers? I mean, he's such a...a..."
"Corn dog?"
"Yeah, that's, um, pretty much what I was gonna say. You must've run into Cindy."
"If you mean the cute blonde that's got her blue and green bike parked by the book store, yeah, she shot down Brad before we came in here."
"Ah, so that's his name. And you are...?"
"Brett, Brett Ruttheimer."
"Stephanie Plumb. Nice to meet you. Wish I could say the same for your brother."
"Eh, he's not all bad, he just thinks he's Hugh Hefner. Actually, up until very recently, I was just like him. I don't know, I guess I just grew out of it before he did."
"Well, I'm glad you grew out of it. Will you be attending Highland High in the fall?"
"Ugh, don't remind me."
Stephanie giggled. "I know what you mean, not my favorite way to spend the day either. Maybe we'll get some classes together."
"I'd like that. Well, I guess I should go now, still got some unpacking to do."
"Okay, bye, hope to see you around."
"Bye, Stephanie."
"Call me Steff, all my friends do."
"Okay, bye Steff."
Brett left Pizza King.
"What the hell are you smiling for?" said Brad.
"Brad," said Brett, "it's definitely time for you to come up with a new routine, trust me."
"Huh?"
Daria walked through the open gates. She followed the path the man at the booth had told her to take. When she got to her destination, she knelt down and looked at the tombstones.
"I knew you hated your real names, but I'm surprised they actually put 'Beavis' and 'Butthead' on your tombstones. I'm glad to see they buried you side by side. You were always together in life, no sense separating you now. I never thanked you two for helping me to keep my sanity while I was living here. Sure, you two were total idiots, but the cool thing about you is you KNEW you were idiots, not like most of the people I go to school with now. And you were always good for a laugh. Well, most of the time. That Cornholio routine got old fast, and I never liked that diarrhea chant you two did. But I got even with you, in the stories I wrote. Believe me, I more than got even with you. You were the inspiration for my first Melody Powers story. You two were communists blown away in the first paragraph. By Stewart. But then I killed him off a few paragraphs later, to be avenged by Melody Powers. Kind of ironic that you died saving Stewart's life. The Highland Herald didn't go into too much detail on their web site about how it happened, but they did call you heroes. That's what I call you, too. It was really brave of you two to go into that burning building to save Stewart, tho knowing you two, it was probably one of you going in and the other blindly following. You'll be glad to know that Todd got ten years for starting that fire. You'll be even gladder to know that he didn't last ten minutes. You just don't question Bubba Jones' sexuality and expect to live."
"I remember the time we were ten, and you had shoplifted a cheap necklace with a glass pendant that looked like a diamond. You tried to convince me that it was a real diamond. You said I could have it if you could touch my boobs. I tried to tell you that I didn't have any yet, but you kept pestering me to touch them. So I said you could touch them, but you'd have to be blindfolded first. After you were blindfolded, I went back in my house and got a couple water balloons, using warm water, and put them up my shirt. You never knew the difference. You said it was so cool. And you let me keep the necklace. I still have it." She dug it out of the left pocket of her jacket.
"I don't know why I kept it, I haven't worn it since I moved to Lawndale. Maybe I needed something besides a tarnished doorknob to remind me of my past. Something to remind me of where I've been, the people I've been with, and the people who made me the person that I am. If it wasn't for you, there would be no Melody Powers. I'm not published yet, but I'm getting a lot of positive feedback from the stories I've posted online."
Daria looked at the necklace. "This is a link to my past, but I think it's time to let it go. Thanks again, you two. Bye."
Daria got up and walked to the pond at the back of the cemetery. She would throw the necklace in the pond. She held the necklace in her right hand, wound up, and...she couldn't do it.
"Ah, hell, I've kept it this long, a little longer won't hurt."
As she walked back to the entrance, she started humming Back In Black by AC/DC. Beavis and Butthead would have wanted it that way.
At 8:00, Ivan and Daria were well on their way back to Lawndale.
"Did you take care of that unfinished business?"
"Yup."
There was a long pause.
"You're not gonna tell me what that unfinished business was, are you?"
"Nope."
Another longer pause.
"We'll stop for the night around midnight. If you get hungry, or, um, something else, just let me know."
"Okay, fine."
Another pause.
"Not much of a talker, are you?"
"Just not much to talk about right now."
"I see. Well, like I said, if you need anything..."
"Mmm hmm. Mind if I turn on the radio?"
"Sure, go ahead."
She turned the knob, and Madonna came on the radio, singing...
This used to be my playground
This used to be my childhood dream
This used to be the place I ran to
Whenever I was in need
Of a friend
Why did it have to end
And why do they always say
Don't look back
Keep your head held high
Don't ask them why
Because life is short
And before you know
You're feeling old
And your heart is breaking
Don't hold on to the past
Well that's too much to ask...
This Used To Be My Playground is Madonna's and whoever wrote it
Change and Remembrance
by atimnie
Charles Ruttheimer III was not himself, much to the relief of most of Lawndale. He sat in a booth at Pizza King, eating a slice of pizza and looking like a cat that had quit catnip cold turkey. Daria and Jane were in the next booth, sharing a medium "garbage" pizza. Charles sighed loudly, took a bite of his pizza, sighed again, took another bite, sighed again...
"I know I'm gonna hate myself for doing this, but..." Daria said quietly to Jane, then, louder, "Hey, Upchuck, is there something you'd like to talk about?"
Jane looked at Daria, slightly shocked.
"Don't blame me," said Daria, "blame my damn nonexistent conscience."
Charles debated for a moment if he really wanted to talk about it. He took another bite of pizza, sighed again, and said, "My two favorite cousins, Brad and Brett, are moving to Highland, Texas."
"Isn't that your hometown, Daria?" asked Jane.
"Um, yes, it is," said Daria, somewhat uneasily.
"Were you close?" Jane asked Charles.
"What do you mean 'were'? They're not dead, just moving away."
"Sor-REE. Jeesh, bite my head off, why doncha."
"Sorry, Jane, I'm just really upset, I didn't mean to take it out on you."
"Eh, no biggie. When are they moving?"
"The day after tomorrow. I promised to help them get their stuff together after I finish my pizza. After they get unpacked, my uncle will come back here to tie up some loose ends."
"Your uncle is coming back?" said Daria. "Do you think I could ride with them to Highland, and then back with your uncle?"
"Well, you'd have to ask my uncle, of course, but I don't think there should be a problem. It would take a few days, there and back. Do you have enough money for hotels?"
"I do if I raid my college fund."
Jane looked slightly confused. "Daria, can I have a word with you, in private? Excuse us, Upchuck."
She grabbed Daria by the wrist and led her to the ladies room.
"Okay, spill. Now."
"Spill what? What are you getting so dramatic about?"
"You told me that Highland was a nightmare, with even more idiots in it than Lawndale, and now you're asking Upchuck if you can ride with a whole family carrying the dreaded Ruttheimer gene. I'm guessing there must be some drastic reasons behind this, and you're not leaving this room until you tell me what those reasons are."
"I have some unfinished business to attend to."
"And this unfinished business is..."
"Unfinished, that's why I have to go back."
"Daria..."
"Jane, drop it. It's personal. And stop looking at me like that. I can't tell you why, I just have to go back to Highland."
"Daria, if you value our friendship..."
"If YOU value our friendship, you'll let it go. Sorry, but there are some things that you don't tell even a best friend."
Jane stared hard at Daria. "Oh, alright, I guess you can have this one secret, but just know that it's driving me crazy not knowing."
"Yes, I know. Sorry."
The two walked out of the ladies room and back to the booth.
"Are you ready, Daria?" asked Charles.
"I just have to make a quick call, be just a few seconds."
"What about the pizza?" asked Jane.
"It's yours," said Daria, as she headed to the payphone.
Jane slid back in the booth. She picked up a slice. "Um, have a slice while you're waiting, Upchuck?"
"No thanks, I don't have much of an appetite right now."
A minute passed. And then another. And another.
"Are you sure you don't want a slice?"
"Yes, quite sure, thanks."
After ten minutes, Daria came back to the booth.
"Those were some long damn seconds, amiga. What took so long?"
"Had to convince the parental units to let me go. They gave me a hard time, but when I told them why, and they saw how important it was to me, they finally relented."
"And the reason you told them was...?"
"Jane..."
"Sorry, can't blame me for trying."
"I could, but it would be wrong. Ready, Upchuck?"
Two days later, Daria was sitting in the back seat of a car in between Brett and Brad Ruttheimer, whom Daria had privately nicknamed the Brat twins. "If either one of you calls me feisty again..."
"Brett, Brad, what did I tell you?" scolded Brenda Ruttheimer from the passenger side of the front seat. "One of these days, someone's gonna smack you right in the mouth."
And it could be today, thought Daria.
"Honestly, I don't know where you get it from," Brenda continued. "You never hear your father talking like that."
"I'll tell you where they get it from," said Ivan from the driver's side front seat, "from Charlie. He thinks he's Hugh Hefner, and he teaches that behavior to his kid, who teaches it to our kids. Maybe you'll find some better influences in Highland."
He don't know Highland very well, do he, thought Daria with a smirk.
"Hey Daria, what's Highland like?" asked Brett.
Hmm, should I tell the truth and give them nightmares, or should I be nice? Ah, what the hell.
"Highland is a lot like Lawndale, but with a different climate. The teachers at Highland High don't know as much as they think they do, just like at Lawndale High. The students are mostly tolerable, with a few notable and irritating exceptions, just like in Lawndale. And the girls you approach with your 'feisty' routine will roll their eyes and call you a nasty name, just like in Lawndale."
Brenda chuckled slightly, but Ivan looked like he had a few words for Daria.
They arrived in Highland two days later and started unpacking. Daria excused herself to take care of her unfinished business.
"I'll be heading back to Lawndale in seven hours," said Ivan, "That should give us enough time to unpack and acquaint ourselves with the neighborhood, so be sure to be back here by four."
"I should be back before then, my unfinished business shouldn't take that long to, um, finish."
Daria left. "For someone who wants to be a journalist, she sure has a strange way with words," Ivan said.
Three hours later, all their possessions were safely in the house, and several boxes had been unpacked.
"What say we take a break from unpacking and check out the neighborhood," said Brenda.
"I saw a Pizza King just two blocks from here," said Brad, "I thought we could check that out."
"Okay, you and Brett can get some lunch at Pizza King, your father and I will check out the high school and see what we have to do to get you enrolled there."
Brad and Brett groaned at this, school not being one of their favorite things.
Daria walked down the streets of her old neighborhood, past the arcade and the school, and then by what had been her home for fifteen years. She stood staring, lost in her thoughts of the past, when a familiar figure came out the front door.
"Mr. Van Dreissen? What are YOU doing here?"
"Huh? Do I know you? Oh, wait, of course, Daria. Wow, you sure look different. Did you get new glasses?"
"Um, yeah, among other things."
"And you got a new outfit. Looks nice. And you changed your hair, too."
"Uh huh. You still didn't say what you're doing here."
"Oh, I live here now. This is my home, such as it is."
"What do you mean, such as it is?"
"The people who lived here before had the place gutted, so basically it's one big open space, with just a few load-bearing posts."
"So much for childhood memories."
"Huh? Oh, that's right, you used to live here. Are you going to be all right?"
"I'll get over it, my childhood memories weren't all that great anyway."
"So, what are YOU doing here, Daria? Is your family moving back to Highland?"
"No, I just came down here with some, uh, friends, to take care of some unfinished business, and to visit a couple of old friends."
"Anyone I know?"
"Mm hmm, Beavis and Butthead."
"Oh, Daria, I don't know how to say this, but Beavis and Butthead are..."
"Yeah, I know, that's sort of why I'm here. There are some things I never said to them before, and it may seem stupid and pointless, but I just thought that I had to say them now. You know, better late than never."
"I understand. Do you know where to find them?"
"Uh huh, and I should be on my way, I have to be back at my friend's house in a few hours to catch a ride back to Lawndale."
"Well, okay then, bye. It was nice seeing you again."
"Um, same here. Bye."
Brad and Brett were a half block from Pizza King when they saw a cute green-eyed blonde girl getting off her bike. Brad approached her with more confidence than he had any right to, and went into full Upchuck lothario mode.
"Well hello there, luscious lady. My name is Brad. And what do they call you?"
"Sensible enough to avoid jerks like you."
"Gr-r-r-r-r, feisty."
"What? Are you on something? Leave me alone, you corn dog."
Brett laughed at his brother when the cute girl went into a book store.
"And just what is so funny, butt monkey?"
Brett got himself under control just long enough to say, "What did she call you? Corn dog? Oh, that's a good one." He started to laugh again.
"Huh, no big loss. She's obviously a brain anyway."
"Just because she went into a book store? Ya know Brad, maybe dad was right, maybe we do need to change our behavior. I mean, has that 'feisty' thing EVER worked?"
"Did you just say dad was right?"
"I said MAYBE he was right. Hell, anything's possible."
"I'll just pretend you didn't say that. Come on, let's get some pizza."
When they walked into Pizza King, they were amazed that it was exactly the same as the one in Lawndale, except that the carpet was a vomitous pink instead of a puke green.
"I wonder if the menu's the same, too," said Brett.
"Well, duh, of course the menu's the same. It's a chain, stupid."
"Yeah, whatever, corn dog."
They sat at a table close to the window.
"So, what'll you boys have?" asked the waitress, a cute brunette of sixteen.
"Well, for starters, your phone number. Gr-r-r-r-rorl-l-l."
Instead of laughing, Brett now looked embarrassed.
"Listen honey," said the waitress, "I don't make nearly enough here to put up with this kinda crap. Just order something, and we can all get on with our lives, okay?"
"Gr-r-r-r-r, feisty," said Brad, totally oblivious.
"Do you, by any chance, know what sexual harassment is? Just cut the crap and order something."
"We'll have a medium pepperoni pizza, with a side of you."
"Medium pepperoni pizza," the waitress repeated through slightly clenched teeth as she walked away, trying her best not to smack Brad into the middle of next week.
A black-haired girl with dark brown eyes walked into Pizza King and sat in a booth next to Brad and Brett.
"Brad, don't. I think we're pushing it here. I mean, I think YOU'RE pushing it. You're lucky the waitress didn't have us thrown out."
"Don't be such a wuss, Brett. Nothing wrong with having a good time, or trying to score."
"Brad..."
Brad was not paying attention to Brett now, turning instead to the girl who had just entered.
"Well, hello there, luscious lady. May I interest you in a tall glass of...me? Gr-r-r-r-r."
"Um, I don't think so. You see, I'm Jewish, and it's against my religion to have anything to do with pork products, piggo."
"G-r-r-r-r-r, feisty."
"Feisty? Yeah, whatever," she said with a slight Texas drawl.
"We're new here," continued Brad, "Perhaps you could show us where we can go to have a good time, if you catch my drift."
"Look, I already have a boyfriend who will be joining me shortly, and he is insanely jealous, so if you're smart, you'll knock it off right now, before he gets here."
"Your lips say no no, but your eyes say yes yes."
"Oh crap!"
"Hmm, not the response I was hoping for, but ACK!"
"Hey Janice, is this creep bothering you?" said a muscular blonde teenaged boy, who was now holding Brad by the neck.
"No Troy, he was, um, just telling a joke, that's all."
"Now why don't I believe that? I think he was trying to pick you up. Were you trying to pick up my girlfriend, creep?"
Brad said nothing.
"Excuse me, Troy, was it?" said Brett, "I think he might be able to speak if you let go of his neck. Just a thought."
Troy let go of Brad's neck. "Well, creep, were you trying to pick her up or not?"
"Actually, yes, but that was before I knew she had a...fine boyfriend such as yourself."
Troy looked confused. "Are you trying to pick ME up now?"
"No! No, just saying that anyone would be crazy to try and pick her up if they knew she had you as a boyfriend. I mean, who could compete with you?"
"Yeah, who can compete with me? Tell ya what, I might let you live if you get out of here right now."
"Actually, we're waiting for a pizza, and..."
"Brad, come on, we can wait for the pizza at the counter, and then get the hell out of here."
"Listen to your friend, creep, it could save your life."
"He's not my friend," said Brett, "he's my brother."
"You have my deepest sympathy on that," said Janice.
"Here's your pizza," said the waitress, tossing a bag on the table. "I made it to go 'cause I figured you'd get yourself in the mess you're in now. I don't want to see you in here again, understand?"
"Now just a minute," said Brad, "you can't throw us out, you're not the owner."
"No, but he is," said the waitress, pointing to a man approaching the table, twice as muscular as Troy, and looking three times meaner.
"You two, out, now," he said quietly, but menacingly.
Brad got up, looking like a puppy that had just been hollered at for chewing up the neighbors garden hose, and Brett was looking like his embarrassed owner. They left Pizza King.
A minute later, Brett walked back into Pizza King.
"I thought we told you to leave and not come back," said the waitress.
"I know, but I forgot something."
"What?"
"Your tip. I usually tip a dollar, but since you had to deal with my brother, I threw in a couple extra."
"Um, thanks."
"I'd like to apologize for my brother. Actually, I should make him come back here and apologize for himself, but he's so friggin' stubborn. Anyway, um, sorry."
Brett turned to go.
"You," said the owner.
"It's okay, I'm leaving, I just wanted to give the waitress her tip."
"I know, I heard the whole thing. You can come back any time. But your brother..."
"I'll try and talk to him, maybe I can get him to apologize yet."
"You're sweet," said the waitress. "Are you sure you're brothers? I mean, he's such a...a..."
"Corn dog?"
"Yeah, that's, um, pretty much what I was gonna say. You must've run into Cindy."
"If you mean the cute blonde that's got her blue and green bike parked by the book store, yeah, she shot down Brad before we came in here."
"Ah, so that's his name. And you are...?"
"Brett, Brett Ruttheimer."
"Stephanie Plumb. Nice to meet you. Wish I could say the same for your brother."
"Eh, he's not all bad, he just thinks he's Hugh Hefner. Actually, up until very recently, I was just like him. I don't know, I guess I just grew out of it before he did."
"Well, I'm glad you grew out of it. Will you be attending Highland High in the fall?"
"Ugh, don't remind me."
Stephanie giggled. "I know what you mean, not my favorite way to spend the day either. Maybe we'll get some classes together."
"I'd like that. Well, I guess I should go now, still got some unpacking to do."
"Okay, bye, hope to see you around."
"Bye, Stephanie."
"Call me Steff, all my friends do."
"Okay, bye Steff."
Brett left Pizza King.
"What the hell are you smiling for?" said Brad.
"Brad," said Brett, "it's definitely time for you to come up with a new routine, trust me."
"Huh?"
Daria walked through the open gates. She followed the path the man at the booth had told her to take. When she got to her destination, she knelt down and looked at the tombstones.
"I knew you hated your real names, but I'm surprised they actually put 'Beavis' and 'Butthead' on your tombstones. I'm glad to see they buried you side by side. You were always together in life, no sense separating you now. I never thanked you two for helping me to keep my sanity while I was living here. Sure, you two were total idiots, but the cool thing about you is you KNEW you were idiots, not like most of the people I go to school with now. And you were always good for a laugh. Well, most of the time. That Cornholio routine got old fast, and I never liked that diarrhea chant you two did. But I got even with you, in the stories I wrote. Believe me, I more than got even with you. You were the inspiration for my first Melody Powers story. You two were communists blown away in the first paragraph. By Stewart. But then I killed him off a few paragraphs later, to be avenged by Melody Powers. Kind of ironic that you died saving Stewart's life. The Highland Herald didn't go into too much detail on their web site about how it happened, but they did call you heroes. That's what I call you, too. It was really brave of you two to go into that burning building to save Stewart, tho knowing you two, it was probably one of you going in and the other blindly following. You'll be glad to know that Todd got ten years for starting that fire. You'll be even gladder to know that he didn't last ten minutes. You just don't question Bubba Jones' sexuality and expect to live."
"I remember the time we were ten, and you had shoplifted a cheap necklace with a glass pendant that looked like a diamond. You tried to convince me that it was a real diamond. You said I could have it if you could touch my boobs. I tried to tell you that I didn't have any yet, but you kept pestering me to touch them. So I said you could touch them, but you'd have to be blindfolded first. After you were blindfolded, I went back in my house and got a couple water balloons, using warm water, and put them up my shirt. You never knew the difference. You said it was so cool. And you let me keep the necklace. I still have it." She dug it out of the left pocket of her jacket.
"I don't know why I kept it, I haven't worn it since I moved to Lawndale. Maybe I needed something besides a tarnished doorknob to remind me of my past. Something to remind me of where I've been, the people I've been with, and the people who made me the person that I am. If it wasn't for you, there would be no Melody Powers. I'm not published yet, but I'm getting a lot of positive feedback from the stories I've posted online."
Daria looked at the necklace. "This is a link to my past, but I think it's time to let it go. Thanks again, you two. Bye."
Daria got up and walked to the pond at the back of the cemetery. She would throw the necklace in the pond. She held the necklace in her right hand, wound up, and...she couldn't do it.
"Ah, hell, I've kept it this long, a little longer won't hurt."
As she walked back to the entrance, she started humming Back In Black by AC/DC. Beavis and Butthead would have wanted it that way.
At 8:00, Ivan and Daria were well on their way back to Lawndale.
"Did you take care of that unfinished business?"
"Yup."
There was a long pause.
"You're not gonna tell me what that unfinished business was, are you?"
"Nope."
Another longer pause.
"We'll stop for the night around midnight. If you get hungry, or, um, something else, just let me know."
"Okay, fine."
Another pause.
"Not much of a talker, are you?"
"Just not much to talk about right now."
"I see. Well, like I said, if you need anything..."
"Mmm hmm. Mind if I turn on the radio?"
"Sure, go ahead."
She turned the knob, and Madonna came on the radio, singing...
This used to be my playground
This used to be my childhood dream
This used to be the place I ran to
Whenever I was in need
Of a friend
Why did it have to end
And why do they always say
Don't look back
Keep your head held high
Don't ask them why
Because life is short
And before you know
You're feeling old
And your heart is breaking
Don't hold on to the past
Well that's too much to ask...
