Title: The Q Experience

Authors: Sita/T'eyla

Rating: PG

Genre: Humor/General

AN: Thanks to Gabi (selber Monster! Schick endlich Chapter 16:-)!), Exploded Pen (you need to stop writing these reviews, you're killing us... ROFLMAO, giant robots... we've got about a hundred cousins too, so we know what you're talking about. On second thought, BTW, DON'T STOP WRITING REVIEWS!*g*), KaliedescopeCat (yeah, you're right, kids and guns isn't something to laugh about, but Archer telling them off is *g*), csifan2000 (heheh, Archer singing the Babysitter Blues, why don't you write the whole lyrics and we'll make it the theme song for this story :-) ), Dacker Spaniel (ooohhh my God, three younger brothers, how did you survive for so long? We got only one, and he's way enough;-)!), A.Windsor (what did they pay you for babysitting 9 kids at a time? Can't have been enough ;-) ) and chopsticks (poor daddy Archer... he probably wouldn't have any luck with any kids) for reviewing.

Here's Chapter 6, please r&r!

Disclaimer: We don't own Gross Out, and we don't own Harry Potter - J. K Rowling does (no, this is no crossover!!:-) ). We do own Don't Touch The Ground!, though (we played it ourselves, a long long time ago, and ruined at least two chairs and a desk *g*).

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Chapter 6: Babysitter Blues III - Put The Lime In The Coconut

Three days later, Archer had more or less recovered from his night in sickbay, and things had returned to normal - well, as normal as things could get when you were on a quest to find the Lake of Learning and drink the Water of Wisdom with a bunch of kids who used to be your senior officers. Malcolm and Trip had stopped flinching every time he entered the room, and that morning Archer and the boys had even had quite a lot of fun together making breakfast pancakes in the galley. The pancakes had been horrible, but Phlox and the kids had thoroughly enjoyed them (Archer had dumped his when Malcolm and Trip weren't looking).

In the early evening of that day, Archer was sitting at a table in the mess hall, trying to catch up on some of his reading. The kids were playing quietly, but somehow today they didn't seem to be their usual energetic selves, bickering all the time and making only half as much of a racket as usual. Especially Malcolm had been unusually cranky this afternoon, refusing to eat lunch, griping about how bored he was and acting quite irritably in general. When he'd started the third fight in less than half an hour, whacking Trip on the head with the checkerboard because he'd lost, Phlox intervened, taking away the board and pulling Malcolm to his feet.

"Let me go!" Malcolm shouted, grabbing for the board. "He's cheating all the time! I won't have it!"

"I'm not cheatin'," Trip said a little shakily, holding his head. "You're just too stupid, that's why you lost!"

Malcolm went crimson in the face. "I'M - NOT - STUPID!" he screeched, lunging for Trip, but Phlox caught him just in time.

"Why don't you just calm down, and then we can sit down and talk this through-"

"I don't want to talk to any of you, and especially not to him!" Malcolm yelled, yanking his arm free from Phlox' grip. "Why can't everybody just leave me ALONE?"

Throwing Trip one last deadly glare, he stomped off towards the door and a moment later the bulkhead slid shut behind him.

"Whew!" Archer said, letting out a breath. "What brought that on?"

Phlox shrugged. "I have no idea, Captain. - You alright?" he asked Trip who was still nursing the spot where Malcolm had hit him with the checkerboard. Trip nodded.

"Think there's gonna be a bump though." He looked up at Phlox. "Do you know what's wrong with him? I didn't cheat, really I didn't. And it's the first game he lost, anyway, before that he won three games in a row!" Casting a sad glance at the mess hall door, Trip turned back to the table and started doodling on the piece of paper he and Malcolm had been keeping their games' scores on. "He ain't gonna play with me no more now."

At his devastated tone of voice, Archer had a hard time biting back a grin. "I'm sure he will. He's just a little cranky at the moment. I think he said something about having a headache earlier. Maybe that's what's wrong."

Trip nodded unhappily, obviously not quite convinced. Phlox got up, a thoughtful expression on his face.

"If you'll excuse me for a moment, Captain," he said and Archer nodded, glad that it wasn't him who had to go after Malcolm. As much as he had learned about children in the last six days, Archer had no idea what to say to his Armoury Officer to make it clear to him that he couldn't clobber other people with a checkerboard. Even if that Armoury Officer was only nine years old. He turned back to his reading, from time to time throwing a glance at Travis and Hoshi who were sitting on the floor, tickling Porthos. Porthos lay on his back with all four legs in the air, obviously having a great time.

Fifteen minutes later Phlox returned, sighing deeply as he sat back down on his chair. Archer raised his head.

"Something wrong, Doc?"

"Just as I thought, Captain," Phlox said. "When you said Malcolm was complaining about a headache, I remembered that he hasn't been eating much either. And when children get that cranky, they're most likely coming down with something."

Archer sat up straight. "Malcolm's sick?"

Phlox nodded. "Don't worry, Captain, it's just a normal influenza. He's running a fever, so I put him to bed. He fell asleep almost immediately."

Trip looked up. "Was he still mad at me?"

"No," Phlox shook his head. "Actually, he told me to tell you he was sorry. He didn't really think you cheated."

"Well, I didn't." Trip grinned, obviously quite relieved. "Can I visit him later? - Is he very sick?" he asked concernedly.

"No," Phlox said. "It's just flu. And yes, you can visit him later when he's awake." He eyed Trip closely, and Archer, following his gaze, noticed that Trip's face was unusually pale except for two bright red patches on his cheeks.

"What about you?" Phlox asked. "Feel alright?"

Trip nodded. "I'm fine," he said a little too quickly. "Well, maybe a little tired, but I don't need to lie down. I'm okay."

Even Archer could see that this wasn't quite the truth; looking closely at Trip for the first time today he saw that he looked indeed very tired, dark smudges under his eyes and all. He looked sick. Phlox got up.

"Well, I guess we'd better get them to sickbay for a quick check-up," he said. "If one's got it, then they'll all come down with it sooner or later."

"I told you I'm not sick," Trip said, throwing Phlox an uneasy glance. "You're not gonna make me go to bed, are ya?"

Phlox put a hand to Trip's forehead and frowned. "I most certainly will," he said. "You're definitely running a fever, young man."

Trip opened his mouth to protest, but when Archer raised his eyebrows at him he closed it again.

"I don't wanna go to bed," he grumbled. "I'm not sick."

"Let me be the judge of that, hm?" Phlox said, walking over to where Porthos and the kids were now engaged in a wild free-for-all. Catching Hoshi around the waist, Phlox picked her up and took Travis by the hand. "Come on, let's go."

A pouting frown on his face, Trip got up as well and followed Phlox to the door. He didn't voice any more protests, though, and Archer noted that he was moving a little sluggishly, shuffling along the corridors rather than running and jumping as he usually did.

Just what we need, Archer thought. Four sick children to take care of. Thanks a lot, Q.

While Trip was changing into his pajamas, Phlox ran a quick scan of Travis and Hoshi and discovered much to Archer's relief that they hadn't yet caught the flu Trip and Malcolm were coming down with. T'Pol, who'd been ordered to sickbay for a quick flu check as well, was now standing beside the door, impatiently shifting her feet.

"May I leave now, doctor? Your scans showed that I am immune to the virus, and I do need to finish my analysis of that formula I found in the database..."

"Yes, you can go. Just-" But the sickbay doors had already closed behind her. Phlox sighed. "Teenagers."

"We don't get to see much of her these days, do we?" Archer sat down on the edge of a biobed. "You think everything's alright?"

"Oh yes," Phlox said. "It's normal behaviour for adolescents of most known species to express the wish to be "left the hell alone", as I believe they would put it. By the way, Captain, I believe T'Pol has got a mild crush on you."

Archer's mouth dropped open. "What?"

Phlox smiled. "Indeed. She asked me whether you were bonded and looked quite... relieved when I told her that you were not."

"You told her that?" Archer asked, horrified. Phlox shrugged.

"Why not? It's the truth."

"Doc! It's bad enough having to babysit a bunch of kids who happen to be my senior officers! I don't need a teenage Vulcan mooning over me as well!"

Phlox raised his eyebrows. "I would hardly call it "mooning", Captain. I merely implied that T'Pol thinks of you as an attractive male who-"

"Enough - of - this - conversation, okay?" Archer held up his hands. "T'Pol does not have a crush on me, and even if she does, there is no need to discuss this any further, alright?"

"Who has a crush on you?" Trip was standing next to him, wearing one of the overlarge t-shirts the kids were using as pajamas. Archer sighed.

"No one," he said. Trip who seemed to be very interested in the whole business opened his mouth again, but the look on Archer's face stopped him from asking any further. Phlox had taken out his med scanner and ran it over Trip once again, his eyebrows drawing together as he watched the small display.

"Hmm, your temperature has even risen in the last fifteen minutes. 101.8°F!" He tucked the scanner away. "Off you go to bed, young man! And put on some socks, or your feet will get all cold out in the corridors."

"Why can't Malcolm and me stay in sickbay?" Trip asked as he pulled on his socks which were way too big for him. Phlox gathered up a few pillows and put a blanket around Trip's shoulders.

"I don't want the little ones to catch your virus, so I put you up in the Captain's quarters."

"What?" Archer stared at the doctor, but Phlox only smiled at him and shrugged.

"I couldn't think of a better place, and since someone needs to stay with them anyway, I thought..."

Archer sighed. "You could at least have asked me first."

Phlox pressed the button to open the sickbay doors and they stepped out in the corridor. Despite the fever, Trip seemed to be feeling a lot better than before; he kept talking all the way to the turbolift, obviously rather excited at the thought of getting to share quarters with the Captain. Archer on the other hand didn't feel quite as enthusiastic about having the two boys in his quarters for an indefinit amount of time. Maybe they wouldn't be quite as much trouble when sick, but Archer still had the feeling that something as minor as a flu wouldn't keep Malcolm and Trip from having a good time.

"Wouldn't it be better to keep sick people in sickbay?" he asked in a last feeble attempt to make Phlox change his mind, but the doctor waved a dismissive hand.

"Oh, that's no problem, Captain. Malcolm and Trip don't need any medical attention; after all, it's only flu. But someone needs to see to it that they stay in bed and don't exhaust themselves, and I think you're just the person for that job."

Archer didn't like the way Phlox was smiling when he made that statement, but decided not to pursue the matter. Resigning to the fact that he was going to share quarters with a couple of nine-year-old boys for at least three days, he pressed the button for the turbolift and ushered Trip into the lift. Trip was still talking a mile a minute.

"D'you have TV in your quarters?" he asked, standing on his toes to press the button for C-deck. "It doesn't matter if you don't, I know lots of fun games you can play when you're sick. Back home my brother and me used to-"

"You're supposed to get some rest," Archer said, a feeling of dread rising within him at the thought of having to play "fun games" Trip and his brother had come up with. "And don't you give Malcolm any ideas about-"

"Can we have some coke?" Trip asked, obviously not listening to a word Archer was saying. "My mom always lets me have coke when I'm sick, she says it's good for the stomach. I don't have a stomach ache at the moment, but maybe it'll be good for flu as well. I think-"

Archer leaned back against the turbolift wall, shooting Phlox a glare out of the corner of his eyes, but the doctor ignored him.

When they entered his quarters, Archer took a quick glance around and decided that it could have been worse. At least he could sleep in his own bed; Phlox had put Malcolm up on a mattress on the floor next to the wall, where he was lying all wrapped up in his covers, sleepily blinking up at them as they came into the room. As his eyes fell on Trip, his expression became less sleepy immediately, and he sat up, a grin spreading on his feverish face.

"You're going to stay in here, too?"

Trip nodded, took a run and jumped onto Archer's bed, beginning to bounce up and down. "It's fun bein' sick."

Malcolm started out of bed, obviously intending to join Trip when Phlox grabbed him by the arm. "Oh no, you stay in bed - and you stop that nonsense, young man, your temperature is high enough as it is!" he said to Trip who plopped down on his butt, looking slightly disappointed.

"Where'm I gonna sleep?" he asked. Phlox who'd finished running his medscanner over Malcolm got up again.

"I'll get you a mattress," Phlox said. "Well, I expect the two of you to be VERY GOOD, and don't give poor Captain Archer a hard time, alright? It's very nice of him to let you stay in here, and we don't want to give him any trouble, understood?"

Both boys nodded earnestly, and Phlox smiled. "I know you won't."

Archer wasn't so sure, but said nothing, helping Phlox getting Trip settled and watching as the doctor examined the two of them one more time.

"Almost a 103 degrees both!" Phlox raised his eyebrows, tucking away his scanner. "Well, Captain, make sure they catch some sleep as soon as possible, and have them drink lots of fluids. I'm going to put the little ones to bed now; I'll be back later to check on them again. You think you'll manage?"

Archer nodded, feeling a little annoyed at being patronized by the doctor. "Sure, doc."

When the door had slit shut behind Phlox, Archer turned to Trip and Malcolm. "Well, you heard what the doctor said. So why don't you just lie down and-"

"I know a fun game we can play!" Trip cried, getting to his feet again. "My brother and me used to play it. It's called Don't Touch The Ground!"

Before Archer could say a word, Malcolm was up and out of bed as well. "What are the rules?"

"Oh, basically there are no rules," Trip said. "You just jump from the bed to the chair to the desk and so on, and all the while you try not to touch the floor. It's fun, especially in a room as small as this one."

"We are not going to play this game," Archer said in his Captain's voice. "Get back into bed, you two. Now!"

Pouting, Trip plopped down on his bed again. "But it's fun!"

"Yeah, and it's going to ruin my furniture. Besides, you're supposed to get some rest."

Malcolm, who'd sat back down on his bed as well, spoke up. "Madeline and me always play Gross Out. Everyone has to think up something really gross- "

"We're not going to play Gross Out, either," Archer said a little desperately. "What about..." He racked his mind, trying to think of something they could do that wouldn't include wrecking his quarters respectively making everyone barf like a chicken. Then he remembered Travis and Hamster Huey. "Well, I could read something to you."

"Naaw, that's boring," Trip said, pulling a face. Archer sighed.

"Look, I can't have you jumping around on the furniture, and as much fun as Gross Out may be, I do have the distinct impression that it would end up with everybody feeling quite sick, and we don't want that, do we. So, what about..." He tried to think of any children books he'd read as a boy, but came up with none. "...Treasure Island?" he suggested a little helplessly. Malcolm shook his head emphatically.

"I once read that, it's awfully boring," he said, pulling up his covers. "You could read us Harry Potter." Trip's face lit up.

"Yeah, that's a good idea!"

Archer's heart sank. "Um... maybe there's something else you like..."

"NO!" they both cried in unison. "Harry Potter!"

"Okayokay," Archer sighed, getting up and walking over to his desk. Finding the book in the computer's database, he downloaded it to a padd, then turned back to the boys.

"And there's really no other book you'd- "

"NO! Harry Potter!"

Archer held up his hands. "Okay, I got it. Harry Potter." Settling down on his bed, he took another glance at Malcolm and Trip who were watching him expectantly.

If I ever get that Q character to change them back to normal, I do hope they won't remember this, he thought, shifting a little to get comfortable and switching on the padd. He cleared his throat.

"Mr and Mrs Dursley, of number four, Privet Drive, were proud to say that they were perfectly normal, thank you very much. They were the last people you'd expect to be involved in anything strange or mysterious..."

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About forty-five minutes later Archer raised his head again, and to his surprise noticed that both boys were fast asleep. A little disappointed, he put the padd aside and stretched, then swung his legs over the edge of the bed, considering what to do next. Well, he could use the opportunity to catch up on some of his paper work. Or he could go to the bridge and catalogue some of the science data. Or...

Archer cast a glance at the padd on his nightstand, then shrugged.

Oh what the heck, he thought, picking it up again and settling back down on his bed. It was a little embarrassing to admit it, but he did want to know what would happen on the birthday outing.

TBC...

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