Title: The Q Experience
Authors: Sita/T'eyla
Rating: PG
Genre: Humor/General
AN: Thanks to csifan2000 (thanks for your e-mail, we'll answer it ASAP), Anna Yolei for both Chapter 6 and 7, KaliedescopeCat (uh... actually, here in Germany people use the Celsius scale too... and we used that stupid table in the dictionary to convert it - too much research!! *g* ), krose, grubber, Dacker Spaniel (ah, the "family"-excuse. Which babysitter doesn't know about that evil trick? ;) ), Gabi (jaja, der arme Archer hat's nicht leicht... *eg*. Aber das ist es ja, was wir alle wollen, nicht ;) ), A. Windsor (maybe you could use Hoshi and Travis for you missing scene?), Exploded Pen (you're just plain evil, laughing when a little kid... alright, we admit, it *is* hilarious ;) ) and Orion9 for reviewing. Here's Chapter 8, read, enjoy and review!
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Chapter 8: The Most Qrious Test Of His Life
"I wanna sit in the big chair, I wanna sit in the big chair, I wanna sit in the big chair-"
"Alright alright!" Holding up his hands in defeat, Archer got up from the Captain's chair to make room for Travis, who immediately climbed onto the seat, a big Cheshire grin on his face.
"My dad always lets me sit in the big chair," he told Phlox who was standing next to him, laying a precautionary hand over the armrest's controls.
"That's nice, Travis," Phlox said, rocking Hoshi who was sitting on his arm with a rather dazed expression on her face. Having only just recovered from flu, she was still quite sleepy all the time, and spent most of her days sitting on either Phlox' or T'Pol's arm, too tired even to cry for her mom.
Archer, too, was still feeling a little under the weather, but after spending a whole day in bed, sleeping, reading and enjoying the peace and quiet of his quarters, he was doing a lot better than the day before when T'Pol had brought him that plomeek soup. Malcolm and Trip seemed to be recovering nicely as well; at the moment Trip was sitting on the floor beside the tactical station, totally absorbed in Harry Potter, while Malcolm was sitting next to him, trying to get his attention by poking him in the ribs.
"That's boring, Trip," he griped. "Don't read that stupid book all the time. I'm boored!"
He landed a particularly hard poke, and Trip yelped, quickly moving away from him.
"Cut it out, Malcolm! Leave me alone."
Malcolm regarded him, a thoughtful look on his face, then poked him again. Trip squealed.
"Don't DO that! I'm ticklish!"
A evil grin spread on Malcolm's face, and he went for Trip, who squeaked and retreated behind the tactical station. Before it could escalate into one of their noisy fights, Archer intervened, grabbing Malcolm by the arm and pushing him down on a nearby chair.
"Now stop it," he said. "You still got a fever, and horsing around like that won't help it. Besides, we're almost there."
"ETA is due in another five minutes' time, Captain Archer," T'Pol stated gravely, looking up from the science station. After Archer had shown her how to work the console's controls, she'd taken it upon herself to announce ETA every five minutes, using the same dignified tone of voice that was so typical of her adult self.
Giving Malcolm a padd he could occupy himself with, Archer walked back over to where Phlox was standing, resting his arms on the backrest of his chair.
"You know, doc, somehow I feel ridiculous." Phlox raised his eyebrows.
"Why would that be, Captain?"
Archer sighed. "All that Lake of Learning-Water of Wisdom-business... I got a feeling that it's just another one of that Q guy's stupid jokes. I mean, do you really think he'll bring the crew back just because we go to some mysterious lake and have a drink of water? What's the point?"
Phlox shifted Hoshi on his arm. "Maybe he was talking in metaphors."
Heaving a deep sigh Archer turned to the science station. "I really don't know what to think anymore."
T'Pol raised her head. "Captain Archer, we are there."
Archer looked at the main screen, and the first thing that came to his mind was that T'Pol must have made a mistake. There was indeed some kind of solar system on the screen; one small, weakly glowing sun, orbited by two tiny grey planets that had a strangely wrinkly look to them. Archer could tell without consulting the scanners that on these two dried-up lemons there was not a single drop of water to be found, and certainly no Lake of Learning.
"How interesting," he heard Phlox say, and shot him a deadly glare.
"This is not interesting anymore, doctor," Archer said through gritted teeth. "This is outrageous! Move aside," he barked at T'Pol who quickly got out of the science station's chair. Archer initiated a scan of the planets' surfaces, gripping the edge of the console so hard his knuckles turned white with the effort. When the results appeared on the display, Archer felt white-hot fury rise within him. Indeed; there was not a single water molecule to be found in this system. Slowly rising from his seat, Archer walked over to the Captain's chair and stood right in the middle of the bridge.
"Q!" he shouted, not caring if he was making a fool of himself. "Q! If you're out there and if you can hear me, you'd better get your big arrogant butt over here and tell me what the hell this is supposed to be!"
Nothing happened, though. Phlox and the children had fallen silent, staring at him with wide eyes, but Archer ignored them, taking another step towards the main screen.
"You think this is funny?" he yelled, letting out all the frustration he'd felt during the last week. "You think I'm gonna play your silly games forever? WELL THERE YOU ARE MISTAKEN!!! DAMMIT Q EITHER YOU GET YOUR ASS OVER HERE IN THE NEXT FIVE SECONDS OR I'LL-"
"Oh, Jonny!" he heard a reproachful voice behind his back and whirled around. Q was leaning against the turbolift doors, again wearing a Starfleet uniform as well as a smug smile on his face. "Swearing in front of the kids! That's not what I'd expect of a honorable person, humble and full of greatness like you..."
Archer didn't know whether to feel relieved or annoyed at Q's sudden appearance, but he did know that he was still furious as hell.
"Now where is that Lake of Learning of yours?" he said without a word of greeting. "And don't go telling me it doesn't exist because then I'm gonna-"
"Jooooonnyyy," Q sang, wiggling his eyebrows and fluttering his eyelids. "You're forgetting: I'm aaalmiiiightyyyy!"
Before Archer could say a word, Trip piped up. "Oh, you were that Almighty-Guy who magicked all of us to the Everest! That was really cool! By the way, wouldcha mind-"
"Shut up, Trip!" Archer quickly cut him off before he could give Q any ideas. "Q... listen. This has now been going on for a whole week and I can tell you, I'm damned tired of the whole business. Now give me back my crew and get the-"
"Now, Jonny!" Q put his hands on his hips, an expression of mock outrage on his face. "No swearing! It does seem to me like you haven't learned anything from this little experiment of mine! But we'll see about that, of course."
"What the - what are you talking about, Q?"
Q clasped his hands behind his back, walking down the steps towards the Captain's chair.
"Well, Jonny, you know, while you were busy babysitting these five little darling sweetie-pies I did have a lot of time to think, and finally I came up with something you're really going to like!"
Archer eyed him suspiciously. "You said that before."
"I know." Q smiled innocently. "And wasn't I right?"
Archer took a deep breath. "Not at all."
Q raised an eyebrow. "But you're forgetting something, Jonny. I'm always right. After all, I'm... what am I?"
Travis head peeked out from behind the backrest of the Captain's chair. "You're almighty!" he said proudly. "That means you can do whatever you like."
Q smiled, obviously pleased. "Excellent, Travis my boy! You're a fast learner, aren't you? More than can be said of your captain." He turned back to Archer. "No, seriously Jonny, I want you to learn something from this, so I prepared a little surprise for you."
"A surprise?" Archer asked, getting the distinct feeling that he was not going to like this. "What kind of surprise?"
Q smiled nastily. "Well, Jonny... you passed the quest, now you take the test! Let's go!"
He snapped his fingers.
-###-
Archer found himself in what was obviously some kind of class room, sitting behind a desk in the second row. There was a blackboard up front, as well as a teacher's desk, complete with a small vase with a few dried-up cornflowers in it. On the walls there were maps and several coloured kids' drawings of all kinds of space monsters, all of them done in a bright technicolor crayon style. Two big windows were looking out over a schoolyard with several swings and see-saws, but there were no kids to be seen anywhere. Before Archer had the chance to get up, the door flew open and Q strode in. He was wearing a worn-out brown jacket, a wrinkled pale blue shirt and black corduroy trousers that ended just above his ankles, revealing his egg-yolk-colored socks and filthy old sneakers. All in all, he looked just like Archer's tenth grade History teacher. Plonking his old leather briefcase on the teacher's desk, he turned to Archer and gave him a curt smile. "Good morning, class."
"What the hell is going on here?" Archer said, getting to his feet, but Q only raised his eyebrows at him.
"No swearing in class! And sit down, Jonny!"
Archer stepped out from behind the desk, clenching his hands to fists. "Q..." he began, but Q only put his hands on his hips.
"Do what you're told, Jonny! Sit back down! I won't tolerate this kind of behaviour in class!"
Archer opened his mouth to say something else, but then he saw the dangerous glint in Q's eyes and reluctantly sat back down on his chair.
"Q," he said, "don't you think this is rather ridiculous-"
"Students raise their hands when they wish to speak in my class, Jonny!" Q said, producing an extendable pointer from his pocket. "Now, after a whole week of preparation we've all come here today to take and hopefully pass the Babysitter Test. Q's Babysitter Test."
"What?" Archer jumped up.
"No talking in class," Q said reproachfully. "And sit back down, Jonny! I won't tell you again."
Archer took a deep breath, sitting back down on his chair. Okay, he thought, this might be ridiculous, but I can just as well play along. Sooner or later he will get tired of it anyway.
Q tapped his pointer against the blackboard and white letters began to form on the black surface.
"Babysitter Test - The Rules"
Archer buried his face in his hands. Q cleared his throat.
"Pay attention, Jonny! Now let me explain the rules to you. They're really simple, even you should be able to understand them. To pass the test, you need to answer fifteen questions and you may not get more than one wrong. If you've successfully passed the test, you will have earned the Babysitter Degree and I will be convinced that you've learned something from my little experiment, after all. So, if you pass the test, I will give you what you so dearly requested from me: Your crew and your senior officers in their normal state of health and mind!"
Archer stared at him. "And what if not?"
Q tilted his head to one side. "Now don't be such a pessimist, Jonny! I'm sure you will pass this test. It's not that hard."
Archer was silent for a moment, then nodded, coming to a decision. "Alright, Q. This is stupid, ridiculous and absolutely pointless, but if that's what it takes, then alright. Let's start with that test."
"That's the spirit, Jonny!" Again, Q tapped his pointer against the board and new words formed on it, replacing the old ones.
"Question Number One," Q recited.
"What do you do when a little girl says to you: 'I want my mom'?
a. You tell her she can't have her mom and let her scream her head off
b. You tell her she can't have her mom and when she keeps screaming, you put Sellotape over her mouth
c. You say: 'Do you want me to show you the cute pink fluffy teddy bear every babysitter should always have handy?'
d. You break into noisy sobs and scream: 'Me too!'
Now, Jonny, tell me, what shall it be: a, b, c or d?"
Archer blinked a few times. "This... this isn't a real test," he said then. "These are jokes, not questions."
"Now that was quick thinking, Jonny!" Q grinned. "Tell me, a, b, c or d?"
Reading through the answers again, Archer remembered the time when Phlox and he had first found the children and Hoshi had asked him that very question.
"You have to distract her," he said. "I'll take... c."
Q clapped his hands in delight. "That's right, Jonny! You're doing great so far! Let's proceed to the next question." Again he tapped the blackboard.
"What do you do when you hear: 'Yay, look at this! Let's do carrot juice again!'
a. You initiate self-destruction
b. When that happens, then it's too late already
c. You don't bother to look, but call your insurance agent immediately
d. You suffer a cardiac arrest and die
Jonny?"
Archer shrugged. "I'd say b."
"Wonderful!" Q exclaimed. "Next question:
What do you do when a little boy tells you: 'Look, I found some icecream!'
a. You say: 'Cool, lemme have some too!'
b. You snatch it from his hand and eat it all yourself
c. You go and look where he got the icecream from, then decide on whether he can have it
d. You grab the icecream bowl, throw it into the waste recycler and scream: 'It's poisoned! I know it's poisoned!'"
Archer shook his head. "C, of course."
"And of course you're right, Jonny. Next one:
Little boys like to wear:
a. Grey boring shirts
b. Ugly garish shirts
c. Starfleet uniforms
d. I don't care what they're wearing, I just want them to leave me alone!"
Archer certainly knew the answer to this one. "Well, b," he said and Q nodded, tapping the blackboard again.
"If you want a kid to tell you what they did yesterday, you ask:
a. 'What did you do yesterday?'
b. 'If you don't mind my asking, then I would be delighted to be informed about your activities of the previous day.'
c. *crouches down in front of the kid, takes them by the shoulders, looks them straight in the eyes* 'Listen. I want to ask you a question and I need you to give me an answer. What - did - you - do - yesterday?' (repeat if necessary)
d. Are you crazy? If I ask that, then the kid will make the Great Big Foot come and stomp me! Aaaaaahhh! I'm afraid of the Great Big Foot! *runs off screaming*"
Archer frowned. "What about the d answers?" he asked, but Q only shrugged.
"You can chose these too, if you want to. It has all happened before."
Archer didn't even try to think about what Q might be implying and considered for a moment. "I'll take a," he said then and jumped as Q let out a scream.
"No!! Jonny! You're slipping! Well, maybe you need a little more practical experience before you can tackle this one."
Q snapped his fingers and the class room disappeared to be replaced by a children's bedroom with all kinds of toys lying around on the floor. In the middle of the whole mess sat little Hoshi, playing with some kind of stuffed animal, taking no notice of Archer at all. Sighing, Archer took a step towards her. He knew what he had to do now.
"Hey Hoshi," he said, and the girl raised her head, smiling at him. "Hi."
He sat down next to her on the floor. "Hoshi, what did you do yesterday?"
Hoshi blinked up at him, showing him the stuffed animal. "Do you like my horsey?"
The instant the words had left her mouth, Archer knew he should have chosen answer c. Taking the stuffed animal from her hand, he examined it thoroughly and smiled at her.
"It's very nice, Hoshi. Now, I want to ask you a question. Listen real close and then give me an answer: What did you do yesterday?"
She only stared at him. "My horsey's name is Jenny."
Archer sighed. "That's very nice, Hoshi. But now I really need to know: What did you do yesterday? You know, the day before today?"
Hoshi blinked. "Today... today I had eggs for breakfast."
Archer briefly closed his eyes, feeling something like despair rise within him. "Yes, Hoshi. But I really need to know what you did the day before. What did you do before you... went to bed yesterday?"
Hoshi reached out, taking the stuffed animal back from his hand. "Yesterday before I went to bed I played with my horsey."
Archer heard a popping sound and found himself back in the class room. Q was sitting at the teacher's desk, looking through a stack of notebooks. When he noticed that Archer had returned to his desk, he got up again.
"Ahh, Jonny! Well, you didn't take so long after all! Now what will it be: a, b, c, or d? One more chance, Jonny!"
Archer sighed. "C, of course."
"Wonderful!" Q clapped his hands. "But remember, you mustn't get another one wrong, or else..."
"Or else what?" Archer asked, eyeing him suspiciously. An evil grin spread on Q's face.
"Well, Jonny, in that case I suggest you take a martial arts crash course since you're going to have to tell Mrs. Tucker that she's going to get nine-year-old Trip back."
Archer's eyes narrowed. "You wouldn't," he said, and Q's smile widened.
"Better not find out, hm?" he said, sounding suspiciously like Dr. Phlox. Archer swallowed.
"Well, let's continue with that test," he said, awaiting the next question rather nervously.
"When kids are fighting about what they'd like for supper, what do you suggest?
a. Something called 'moo-goo-gal-pan'
b. Anything that's easy to cook - with ketchup!
c. Icecream
d. No! No! I told you! It's poisoned! It's poisoned! We're all gonna DIE!"
"B," Archer said, feeling immensely relieved when he saw Q nod.
"That's right, Jonny my boy. And the next one:
Should you pay it attention when a little boy says: 'I feel kind of sick!'
a. Oohhh yes!
b. No, kids are always complaining about all kinds of things; just tell him to shut up.
c. Naaw, don't worry, everything will work out alright *lights his joint and takes a few puffs* Wow, I like these colours!
d. Aaaahhhh, he was poisoned! He's gonna die, he's gonna die!"
Remembering Malcolm and the spaghetti, Archer raised an eyebrow. "I'd say a," he said, and Q tapped the blackboard again.
"Kids will probably best fall asleep when you put them in:
a. A dark dungeon with rats and snakes
b. A small bedroom with at least three other kids and a nightlight
c. All alone in a huge gym with a bed standing smack in the middle
d. Back into their coffins where they came from"
"Who came up with all these questions?" Archer asked, shaking his head.
"They were compiled by a committee of experienced babysitters," Q said pleasantly, and Archer wisely decided not to ask any further.
"Anyway, it's b. Next question."
"If you offer a kid the following books, which one will they choose?
a. 'Watching Your Cactus Grow'
b. 'The Big Kablooie or The Day Smurf City Exploded'
c. 'Little Jane's Boring Visit At Her Grandmother's'
d. This is a trick question, isn't it?"
Archer blinked a few times. "Well... b?" he said, and Q smiled.
"You're right. By the way, when I was a little Q, my dad used to read me that book every night. It's about - "
Archer held up a hand. "I can imagine. Next question, okay?"
"Okay okay." Q tapped the blackboard again.
"Two kids are about to kill each other about a matter you don't understand. What do you do?
a. You wait for one of them to win, then clean up the blood and get rid of the bodies
b. You separate them and try to settle the matter peacefully
c. You're glad they're having so much fun and go watch MacGyver
d. Kill? KILL? The Great Big Foot is gonna kill me! *runs off screaming*"
Archer shook his head a little. "The answer is b," he said.
"Little girls are afraid of:
a. Big slimy green monsters
b. A global war
c. You (if not, try harder)
d. Miniature zombies with sharp teeth and big claws that come out at night and eat babysitters... well, at least that's what I'm afraid of."
For a moment Archer was tempted to say d, but of course resisted the urge. "A," he said instead, and Q nodded.
"You catch two little boys somewhere they shouldn't be, playing with dangerous objects they shouldn't be playing with. What do you do?
a. You lose it completely and yell at them until they're crying
b. Well, you mentioned those dungeons with rats and snakes before...
c. Firstly, you take away the dangerous objects. Secondly, you talk to them and ask them why they did this. Thirdly, you explain to them why they're never to do this again (repeat if results are not good)
d. Wait! Wait a minute! Define 'dangerous objects'! And while you're at it, are we talking about the normal universe or the universe I'm in? Hey! You're vanishing!"
Archer examined his hands a little sheepishly.
"Well, Jonny?" Q asked, crossing his arms. "I'm curious; have you learned your lesson?"
Archer had. "C," he said, and Q smiled.
"Now, Jonny, the next question is a really evil one, only for you:
How do you punish children?
a. Not at all; too much trouble
b. Find something educationally valuable for them to do that makes them see that what they did was wrong
c. Consult 'Shut Up Or I'll Stomp You - Stuart Reed's Guide To Raising Your Children' and follow the instructions
d Punish? Punish? You want to punish me? I didn't do anything!"
Archer glared at Q. "This is not funny," he said. "This is not funny at all. I only talked to Mr. Reed senior once, but I'm sure he wouldn't-"
"Aww, Jonny, can't you ever take a joke?" Q sighed. "Besides, I just can't stand that guy. He reminds me of that mean old uncle I have. He never gave me chocolate chip cookies..."
Archer buried his face in his hands. "Your answer is b. Let's get on with that test."
"You're not very interested in other people's family history, are you?" Q said just a little testily. "Well, next question:
If kids get unusually cranky, they're probably...
a. Ready to be cooked
b. Coming down with something
c. Entering the early stages of a premature puberty
d. Possessed by an evil demon! Everybody's possessed by evil demons except me!"
Archer cleared his throat. "Ehem... b again?"
"You're such a clever boy, Jonny!" Q tapped the blackboard again. "Next question - the last one:
A twelve-year-old Vulcan brings you plomeek soup for breakfast. What is to be inferred?"
a. She might have a crush on you
b. Chef's sick
c. Wait! Wait a sec! Whatcha talkin' about, 'inferred'? Oh, Ah'll look it up, 's right next to 'intransigent' in the dictionary!
d. This is just another evil scheme to poison me! I'm fed up with people trying to poison me! Damn sneaky Vulcan bastard! *jumps headfirst out of window and dies*"
Archer glared at Q again. "He'd know what it means!"
Q wiggled his eyebrows. "But you knew who I was talking about, didn't you? Now, what shall it be: a, b-"
"A," Archer said through gritted teeth. "Now-are we finished?"
"Not yet!" Q smiled. "Not yet, Jonny! You did so well, I'll just have to ask you this last question."
Archer opened his mouth to protest, but Q raised a placating hand. "It's easy, Jonny. Now listen and tell me the answer:
Q is
a. mental
b. annoying the hell outta me
c. the love of my life
d. AAAAAALLLMIIIIIGHTYYYYYYYYY!!!"
Archer had a hard time to keep himself from yelling "A! A! A!". Reading through the answers once again, he considered. B was certainly the right answer, but somehow he doubted Q wanted to hear that. And c was out of the question, anyway.
"D," he said, and Q spread his arms, throwing away the pointer that left a streak of sparkling coloured stars in the air.
"Yes! Jonny! You did it! I knew you would! I can't wait to tell Jean-Luc about this!"
Archer slumped back in his chair, actually feeling a smile of relief spreading on his face. He regarded Q with a thoughtful look.
"You know, I'm curious," he said. "Who's that Jean-Luc you're talking about all the time?"
Q smiled at him. "You wouldn't want to know."
"Maybe I wouldn't." Archer got up. "Now, will you give me back my crew and-"
"You're forgetting about the Water of Wisdom, Jonny," Q said, and Archer took a deep breath.
"Q-"
"Now now, Jonny," Q said. "Don't get your blood pressure up. You passed the quest, you passed the test, now you're the best! And the best babysitter gets a babysitter degree, of course."
"Alright," Archer sighed. "But hurry up."
"And then you get to rest," Q added as if he hadn't heard him, and Archer felt his blood pressure rising indeed.
"Will you stop talking in rhymes," he snapped and Q pouted.
"You're just as much of a party pooper as Jean-Luc and Kathy. Well, then let's proceed to the ceremony."
He snapped his fingers and suddenly Archer found himself wearing a graduate's black gown and a matching hat. He raised his head, staring at Q who was holding some kind of parchment in one hand and of all things a glass of water in the other.
"What-", he began, but Q cut him off, taking a deep breath as if preparing to launch into a speech.
"Dear Mr. Jonathan Archer! I am delighted to offer my congratulations on your successful completion of Q's Babysitter Training! I am sure you learned a great deal about your officers, your doctor, and especially about yourself-"
Archer groaned. "Yeees," he said, holding out a hand. "Can I please have that degree now?"
Q raised a hand. "Now don't be so impatient, Jonny," he said, quickly snatching the degree out of Archer's reach. "I haven't finished my speech yet." He cleared his throat, a nostalgic expression appearing on his face. "When I was a young Q, freshly graduated from Babysitter Academy and eager to-"
"STOP IT!" Archer yelled. "I'VE HAD ENOUGH! I JUST WANT MY CREW BACK!"
Q took a step backwards, an indignant expression on his face. "Now now, Jonny! We're not getting nervous, are we? Alas, you shall have your crew; but first..."
With a flourish, he offered Archer the parchment and the Captain snatched it out of his hand. He took a quick look around, but nothing happened.
"What now?" he asked, turning back to Q who was holding out the glass of water at him. "Now you are ready to drink the Water of Wisdom," he said grandly, and Archer took the glass from his hand, examining it suspiciously.
"You... you want me to drink that?" he asked and Q nodded.
"Yes, Jonny. I know it's hard to believe, but when I hand you a glass of water and tell you to drink the Water of Wisdom, I might just be implying that I want you to drink it."
Archer glared at him, then raised the glass to his lips. Before he could take a sip, though, Q opened his mouth once again.
"Well, Jonny, I just wanted to say, it has been a pleasure meeting you and your marvelous crew! I liked you so much, I might just be coming back one day!"
Archer lowered the glass, staring at Q in dismay. "You won't, will you?"
Q waved his hand. "Drink the water, Jonny."
Archer gave him a last desperate look, then raised the glass back to his lips and emptied it in one long swig. He heard a popping sound and found himself...
TBC...
Please let us know what you think!
