Title: The Q Experience

Authors: Sita/T'eyla

Rating: PG

Genre: Humor/General

AN: Alright, thanks to RangerH, Dacker Spaniel, Gabi (oh ja, Erfahrung haben wir sicher... seufz), A. Windsor, soultoast, Exploded Pen (hmm... you're not evil? And what about "A Simple Cold"? That was definitely evil *g*), Reedie (the broadcasting of this episode was delayed by the authors' real lives, the station's sincerest apologies ;) ), Anna Yolei (hope you had a good trip, and hope you'll enjoy our last chapter :) ) and csifan2000 for reviewing Chapter 8. Here's Chapter 9, the last one, r&e&r (looks like some HTML tag *g*).

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Chapter 9: Midnight Calls

... in his bed. Sitting up, Archer blinked and looked around. He was back in his quarters, wearing his pajamas, his covers crumpled up as if he'd just woken up from sleep. The lights were dimmed, and as he turned his head, he saw Porthos lying on his accustomed sleeping place next to the wall. It seemed to be the middle of the night.

A quick glance at his chronometer confirmed his guess. It was indeed the middle of the night, exactly 0000 hours. Shaking his head, Archer tried to clear his thoughts. Just a second before he'd been in that classroom, taking the Babysitter Degree from Q's hand, and now-

It was a dream, Archer realized. O my God, it was all a dream. One crazy freaking dream.

Archer slumped back on his pillow. It had been one hell of a realistic dream, though. He could remember every detail; the diplomatic mission, how he and Phlox had come back to Enterprise to find all senior officers transformed into kids, all the crazy things that had happened afterwards... and the Babysitter Test, of course. Uttering a shaky laugh, Archer wiped the sweat off his forehead, then rolled out of bed. He knew that he wouldn't be able to go back to sleep now. For a moment Archer sat on the edge of his bed, considering what to do. He noticed that his hands were still trembling a little, and decided that maybe it would be best to catch up on some of his paper work, good old boring paper work to get himself sleepy and tired again. Walking over to his desk, Archer sat down in his chair - and stopped in his tracks. There was a parchment lying on the desk blotter, a yellow piece of parchment looking just like...

No, Archer thought. No, it can't be. It was a dream... wasn't it?

Picking up the parchment, he read the headline and felt his stomach do a backside-flip.

Q's BABYSITTER DEGREE - earned after successfully passing Q's Babysitter Test

This degree allows Jonathan Archer, Captain, to-

Dropping the sheet as if it had suddenly caught fire, Archer scrambled to his feet and backed away towards his bed. His knees gave way and he plopped down onto the mattress, staring at the yellow rectangular piece of paper lying on the floor. Was... was this some kind of stupid practical joke? But no, this wasn't possible, unless he'd developed a schizophrenic neurosis and his alter ego was playing pranks on him, and Archer sincerely hoped that this was not the case.

So the only other explanation left was that... it had been real. He had met Q, he had spent a week with five of his senior officers who'd been transformed into children and he had taken the Babysitter Test. And he had passed it. Or... had he? Quickly, Archer got up again, reaching for the comm.

"Archer to Commander Tucker."

First there was only silence, and Archer felt his heart skip a beat. "Archer to Commander Tucker! Trip, respond!"

There was another short pause, then he heard the channel open and Trip's sleepy voice came from the speaker.

"Whassup?"

Archer bit his lip. Trip's voice had sounded indeed like his normal adult voice... but better be safe than sorry.

"Trip," he said, "I need to ask you a strange question. Are you nine years old?"

This time the pause that followed was a little longer.

"What?"

Archer cleared his throat. "Are you nine years old?"

"Jon! It's the middle of the night! Whaddaya want?!"

Archer briefly closed his eyes. "So you're not nine years old?"

Trip groaned. "No, I'm not nine years old. Can I go back to bed now?"

"No, wait," Archer interrupted quickly. "Erm... Trip... did you see Malcolm lately?"

"Yes, course I saw him. We had a briefin' today, remember?"

"And... and he wasn't nine years old, either?"

There was a muffled thump as if Trip had banged his head against the wall next to the comm.

"What's wrong with you, Jon? It's the friggin' middle of the night! D'ya want me to tell you the age of every single crewmen?"

"Nono, Trip. That's alright. Just one last question: When you were in mess hall today... were there any people? Beside the senior officers?"

"Yes, Jon," Trip sighed. "There were people. The crew, y'know? There's a crew on this ship, and you're their Cap'n. Now get back to bed and lemme sleep."

"Alright, thanks, Trip. I have to tell you something real strange in the morning."

"Yes," Trip said. "In the mornin'. G'night, Jon."

"Night, Trip."

Archer cut the connection, feeling plain, pure relief wash over him. Trip was probably thinking that he'd completely lost it, but Archer could still straighten that out in the morning. At the moment he was content with the knowledge that his crew was back and his senior officers were indeed not kids anymore. Letting out a deep sigh, Archer leaned against the wall for a second, then bent down and picked up the parchment. Reading through it, he felt a small grin forming on his lips despite himself. Rolling it up, he placed it in the bottom drawer of his desk. The one with the lock. He straightened up again, and all but collapsed on his bed, closing his eyes.

Now that was a crazy story if there ever was one, he thought, rolling onto his side. But at least it's over now.

-###-

Picard was sitting on the left warp nacelle of the Enterprise D, staring at the stars flying past. Again.

"Good evening, Jean-Luc," he heard a voice behind his back and whirled around.

"Q! It's been only a week! You promised me you'd leave us alone!"

Q crossed his legs, looking him up and down. "Nice pajamas," he said. "I'd have put you down for a checkers and long-sleeve man, though. But I like that sports-wear look, too."

Picard took a deep breath, folding his hands. "Q," he said. "It's the middle of the night, and, unlike certain other people I've been working hard all day long. So if you don't mind, I'd really like to just go back to bed and go to sleep again. Alright?"

Q heaved a sigh. "You captains are all alike. But you're still my favorite! I really like Jonny, but..."

"Who's Jonny?" Picard asked suspiciously. Q smiled.

"Oh, you would like him; you have a lot in common. But I think he'll be quite busy restoring his sanity for the next few weeks."

Q chuckled nastily, and Picard felt a shiver run down his spine at the evil sound. But however sorry he might be feeling for that unlucky Jonny, he was not going to ask Q what he'd done to him.

"Listen, Q," he said instead, "you promised me a break. And it's been only a week. Don't you think you could stay away for just the tiniest bit longer?"

Q pulled a sulking face, half-turning away from Picard. "You know, it's making me so sad that nobody likes having me around. What's your problem? I'm fun, after all. Brightening up your dull lives..."

"I don't want my dull life brightened up!" Picard hissed through clenched teeth. "I just want to go back to bed! And I don't want to see your face for the next two months! At least!"

"Now you just start talking about cucumbers, and I'm going to cry," Q said in a whining tone of voice. Picard blinked.

"Cucumbers?"

"Never mind," Q said with the air of a martyr. "You know, but I shouldn't be complaining. I had so much fun these last seven days..." He eyed Picard shrewdly, and Picard didn't like the look on his face at all.

"What is it?" he asked carefully, and Q tilted his head to one side.

"You know, I've been wondering, Jean-Luc..."

A sense of foreboding took hold of Picard, but he knew he couldn't do anything to prevent what was about to come.

"What have you been wondering, Q?" he asked weakly, and Q smiled, raising a hand.

"You know, as much as I like your current appearance, I really would like to know how you looked with hair on that head."

And once again, Captain Jean-Luc Picard found himself borne out in his theory that most trouble in his life began with the sound of a loud "SNAP".

~The End~

Please let us know what you think!

AN: Okay, folks, that's the end of our story. But we did get some feedback for our offer at the end of Chapter 7, so here they are...

THE MISSING SCENES!

#1

Missing Scene from Chapter 6; Babysitter Blues III; by Exploded Pen

With Trip and Malcolm now on their way to the Captains quarters, Travis seemed to be channeling their spirit and was racing round sickbay giggling madly.

"You know Malcolm said there were monsters in the room?" Travis asked grinning.

Hoshi trembled and nodded.

"He forgot to mention the ROBOTS!" Travis exclaimed gleefully. "'n' they only come out when your asleep and they eat your brain!"

"Young man, that is enough!" Phlox exclaimed. "Calm down or you'll be spending ten minutes on the naughty biobed!"

"Naughty biobed?" Travis asked, coming to a standstill.

Phlox nodded importantly.

"There aren't really robots, are there?" Hoshi asked tugging on Phlox's sleeve.

"No there are no robots, just like there aren't any monsters," Phlox assured her. "Malcolm and Travis were just telling porky pies."

Hoshi stuck her bottom lip out and went to join Travis in the bathroom. Minutes later Phlox took them both off to bed.

"Don't worry there are no monsters," he assured Hoshi who looked like she was about to start whining again. As he went out the room he thought he could hear hushed whispers, but as he neared the room door again they both fell silent.

In the darkness Hoshi trembled slightly.

"G'night Hosh," said Travis sleepily.

"G'night Travis," she replied. Then remembering something her mum used to say she added: "Sleep tight, don't let the bed bugs BITE!"

Travis sat straight up.

"Bed bugs?" he whimpered.

"Don't worry, they only get boys," said Hoshi grinning.

"PHLOX!!!!!!!!!!!!!!" Travis yelled shooting up out of bed.

The End

#2

The Babysitter Blues-lyrics! by csifan2000

This is a little song I thought up. The characters of Star Trek belong to Roddenberry & company. The chorus is based on the song, "It's My Party" by Wiener, Gold, Gluck Jr. No rights implied. All words are my own, based on the fanfiction of Sita/T'eyla, " The Q Experience"

I'm the Sitter

It all started one day, when Q wanted to play

He took Jean-Luc outside, but Jean-Luc said,

"Please, go away."

Q acquiesced and sent Jean-Luc back to his ship

And then thought of someone, who would give him a trip

So, into the past, Q very quickly flew

What awaited poor Archer, nobody knew

Archer came back to his ship, with the good Doc in tow

How his senior officers became children,

He didn't know

~

Chorus:

I'm the sitter and I'll cry if I want to

Cry if I want to, cry if I want to

You would cry to, if Q did this to you

~

Now Trip and Malcolm were sent on a mission to explore

And ended up mixing several drinks on the floor

When Archer found them, oh, what a mess

Phlox couldn't help grinning to see them confess

So, off to Sickbay they all were sent

But Jon couldn't find where the rest of his crew went

~

I'm the sitter and I'll cry if I want to

Cry if I want to, cry if I want to

You would cry to, if Q did this to you

~

The third chapter is where dear Q does appear

And Jon has to hold in what feels like fear

Q is sending him on a mission

Where he'll need all his wits

To save his crew, Archer must find

The Water of Wisdom and drink of it

So, off through the skies, Archer does fly

While Trip and Malcolm keep getting into fights

At nighttime, poor Archer doesn't get any sleep

'Cause Malcolm and Trip keep making a peep

~

I'm the sitter and I'll cry if I want to

Cry if I want to, cry if I want to

You would cry to, if Q did this to you

~

So, Malcolm and Trip sneak off into the night

To the Armoury, they go, to pretend they can fight

When Archer arrives there, he is spitting mad

For playing with phasers, the boys knew they were bad

When Phlox did arrive, Hoshi and Travis were crying

He saw that Archer's nerves, the kids, they were trying

So, the Doctor's prescription was to send him to bed

Poor Jon was asleep before his head hit the bed

~

I'm the sitter and I'll cry if I want to

Cry if I want to, cry if I want to

You would cry to, if Q did this to you

~

The next day refreshed and hoping he'd be there soon

Archer did discover, that for he, T'Pol mooned

Just when Jon didn't know what to do

Trip and Malcolm came down with the flu

~

I'm the sitter and I'll cry if I want to

Cry if I want to, cry if I want to

You would cry to, if Q did this to you

~

Malcolm awakes Archer in the middle of sleep, a.m. 2

Trying to get to Sickbay, so Phlox will help with his flu

Archer drags Trip down the hall with him too

'Cause Travis and Hoshi both have the flu

~

After getting the kids off into their beds,

"I'll play nurse for the next few days," Phlox said

Laying on the biobed, Archer wearily asks, "Why?"

Which wasn't a smart move, 'cause he felt liked he died

~

Phlox said, "My dear Captain, the flu you did caught."

So, off Archer trudged, his bed he did sought

Lying in bed, he thought with a sigh,

Instead of Starfleet, he was in the Intergalactic N.A.V.Y.

~

I'm the sitter and I'll cry if I want to,

Cry if I want to, cry if I want to

You would cry to, if Q did this to you

~

The next morning, Jon awoke to T'Pol staring at him

The breakfast she made, to not eat would be a sin

He quietly gasped and choked as T'Pol stood nearby

The only thought in Jon's head was, "Just please let me die!"

~

I'm the sitter and I'll cry if I want to

Cry if I want to, cry if I want to

You would cry to, if Q did this to you

~

The time of Jon's journey was coming to an end

The children were back to normal, all on the mend

T'Pol's soup had cure Archer of his flu

The stuff was so lethal and toxic, too

~

They arrived at the planet that Q directed them to

But there was no water, not even to fill a child's shoe

Poor Jon was so frazzled he didn't know what to say

He had to be tested so, he reluctantly played

~

With Q, you never know what might be up his sleeve

The questions he asked, to Jon were his pet peeve

A lesson he learned, a diploma he earned

Beware of bored aliens

Whose name is Q

~

I'm the sitter and I'll cry if I want to,

Cry if I want to, cry if I want to

You would cry to if Q did this to you

~

I'm the Captain and I'm going crazy,

Going crazy, going crazy

Maybe Q should take a turn too.

Lyrics by: Julia Gardner