Part III; Hurt

I hurt myself today to see if I still feel

I focus on the pain the only thing that's real

Severus rubbed the underside of his chin and looked around. Everything dark, darker than that. Black as pitch. He couldn't see anything. The room was entirely void of light. What was more frightening than this swallowing darkness was the fact that he couldn't remember what he was doing here, how he had gotten here? His head throbbed, his eyes ached. He knew he'd been crying but why? He couldn't remember that either.

Light flooded the room. He looked up in its direction to see a house elf pushing open a high window that had been painted black. The elf smiled at him for a moment before scampering down the wall and out the door.

With vision renewed, Severus looked around again. He was in a dungeon. There was a cot beneath him, a table holding his breakfast to his right that looked surreally out of place. The dungeon door was cracked open. He was at Hogwart's. It was summer time. He was a half-prisoner of the Order of the Phoenix. Dumbledore had been trying to convince him that it was possible for him to make amends for all his wrong doings.

Lilly Evans Potter was dead. That thought reverberated in his mind, sending waves of imagined pain through him. He kicked the table over, sending the food, glass, and the table flying through the air and splattering, breaking, and shattering against the door and the wall. He rolled over, grief harnessing him again. As he lay there, too tired to cry now, he thought about how pleasant it had been to wake up as though nothing had happened, confused and forgetful. It was like for a second Lilly was still alive. He sighed. thinking like that would get him no where.

He remembered that he hadn't showered or shaved in a long time, how long he wasn't sure. The beard was itchy, but he didn't really care about that. And he was certain he smelled terrible, but that didn't seem to matter. Before he event thought to rise to find a bathroom his grief crushed him to the cot again. He closed his eyes and begged whatever unmerciful god that had created him, watched him all these years, and ignored his every plea, to just let him go back to sleep and dream of Lilly.

Soon the throbbing in his temples dulled and he felt his eyelids become heavy. He shut them. His ragged breathing soon smoothed out and his breaths drew in longer. Sleep claimed him and dreams of the past took him far away from his pain and his helplessness.

Try to kill it all away

But I remember everything

Lilly was sitting next to him on the cot when he woke up, fingers combing through his hair the way she used to. She smiled at him, kissed his cheek as he sat up slowly and took her in his arms. Sobs racked his body.

"How is this possible? You're dead," he said in a shuttering voice.

Lilly hushed him, cooed to him, rocked him gently in her arms, stroking his head as he wept. "It doesn't matter, I'm here now."

Severus looked up her. She was glowing with a soft golden light. "I failed you, god, I am so sorry. I'm so-" he choked on the lump in his throat, unable to finish his sentence.

Lilly stood up suddenly, backed away from him. he watched as her complexion turned gray, cracked, peeled away from her face. Her eyes sunk back into her skull and two shiny green eyes with shrunken pupils stared back at him. she raised a skeletal, fleshless hand to her hair to brush it back from her face and it came away with long red strands of hair.

"You did this to me," she shrieked at him.

"No," he shouted, reaching for her as she began to crumble.

"You did this!"

Severus fell of the bed towards her as she collapsed. He lifted her skeleton into his arms, placed a shaking hand on her boney forehead. "No," he wept, "I'd never..."

But it was too late she turned to dust in his hands and sifted through his fingers onto the floor.

Someone far away was screaming. He wondered who it was. They sounded oddly familiar. And they wouldn't stop screaming he stood up slowly, shaking, and turned around. He was sitting on the bed, screaming as he watched what had happened to Lilly.

What have I become

My sweetest friend

Severus opened his eyes. He was sitting up in the bed, drenched in cold sweat. He was shaking. He took a deep breath, told himself it was only a dream. The door swung open. He was about to tell Dumbledore to shove off, only to feel ice shoot through his veins at the sight of his intruder.

Lucious Malfoy was leaning on the door frame, smiling at him. "Pleasant dreams, I take it?"

Severus rubbed at his eyes. He looked around again and remembered that the dungeon at Hogwart's had a narrow window set much higher in the wall than this one. "What's going on," he asked, his voice raspy.

Malfoy sneered at him. "I saved your hide, my dear friend. Dumbledore had you, don't you remember?"

Severus nodded, trying to think. If he could just get his heart to slow down a little so that it would stop making so much racket in his head he would be able to think. And this wasn't just a matter of scraping out of trouble. This was a matter of survival. "Thank you, Lucious," he managed at last.

"Of course. I couldn't leave my most valued servant in the clutches of the enemy could I? So where is the boy," Lucious asked, skipping to the point.

Severus shook his head. he really didn't know.

"What do you mean," Lucious asked, there was desperation behind his angry tone.

"I found the boy, I was going to kill him, when Sirius Black came out of nowhere and attacked me! He and that great oaf Hagrid. They pinned me, took the boy. Black was all set to kill me but that stupid giant insisted Dumbledore be the one to deal with me," Severus said, shaking his head.

Lucious laughed. Then he stopped, struggled to regain his cool and said, "Sorry, sorry, you couldn't know, could you?"

Severus looked at him confused. "What?"

"It's just, Sirius Black has been arrested for conspiring in the murders of James and Lilly Potter, Peter Pettigrew, and some twenty or thirty muggles! They'll have that git in Azkaban by next Tuesday! Can you believe it," Lucious said with another laugh.

Severus shook his head. "Why would they arrest Sirius Black of all people for all of that?"

"They think he was the Potter's Secret Keeper. I mean, he was best man at their wedding, it holds to reason, eh? And apparently he did kill Pettigrew. The papers and the ministry think Pettigrew tracked him down, and being the bungler he was, didn't manage to kill Black, thereby getting himself killed on the spot.

"The hilarity if it though is that Black has never had anything to do with us, not as far as I am aware", Lucious said, matching a cigar and offering one to Snape.

The smell of the smoke send a wave of nausea through Snape and he shuttered at the one offered him. "No, thank you Lucious. I'm feeling rather ill."

Lucious frowned. "You definitely don't look healthy. In fact, you look quite mad. That wild beard you've grown definitely needs to be shorn and your hair is in tangles. Shall I send someone to attend to it for you?"

Severus shook his head. "No, it doesn't matter."

Lucious narrowed his eyes and studied the man before him. "You seem different, Severus. What's the matter? And what was all that screaming about? You liked to have scared every house elf in this part of the manner to death."

"I have not felt myself as of late. I don't know what's wrong with me," Severus said, contemplating his words for a moment and deciding they were the truest he'd spoken in a long time.

Lucious nodded. "Well, you don't look as though you've slept in ages. I'll have you moved up to one of the guest rooms but first tell me all the details of your encounter with Dumbledore."

"He wants to win me over, the old fool. Something about redemption and atonement, second chances, the usual nonsense," Severus said with a negligent shrug, pretending to have only half listened to anything Dumbledore may have said to him.

To Severus surprise, Luscious's eyes brightened. "You're serious?"

You're not Sirius, you're Severus, a little voice from his memories whispered.

"Yes, why," Severus asked.

"That's fantastic," Lucious said, laughing again.

Unsettled, Severus ventured, "How is that bleeding heart nonsense fantastic, Lucious?"

"Oh! And the old Potions teacher just retired, this couldn't have worked out better if I had planned it, our Master will be pleased," Lucious continued as though he hadn't heard anything Severus had said. "But Cartwright wasn't even a Potions Master, and you are... this is splendid."

"What's splendid," Severus asked, feeling yet another headache coming on.

Lucious looked at him suddenly. "You are going to escape from here, tonight and flee to Dumbledore. You're going to tell him everything I tell you to, beg his forgiveness, tell him whatever you like but convince him that you've seen the light! Offer to become a spy for him, offer to finger other Death Eaters, the way they usually do when they run from the Dark Lord. Work your way into his confidence. It will take some time but this will work, wonderfully."

"You want me to become a double agent," Severus said, wishing that Lucious had said it himself. Luscious had always loved the sound of his own voice.

"Exactly, and apply for the Potions teacher position while you're at it. No one will be more qualified than you, that I'm sure of. And Dumbledore will want to keep you close and of course we want you close to him. This is excellent. I must inform the Dark Lord as soon as possible," Luscious said with a smile.

A stab of panic from a hidden hand. "What has become of our master, Luscious," Severus asked.

"He's, well, a bit out of it if you will. Out of body actually. Right now the entire wizarding world thinks he's dead. They're all celebrating that brat of the Potters for destroying him. Calling him the boy who lived. In time, the little bastard will pay, the Dark Lord will see to that," Luscious said, pausing grimly before continuing, a manic gleam in his eyes. "He will be back Severus, and the faithful will be rewarded. When he returns to take over, I will be quite favored if we succeed here. this could be crucial in Dumbledore's undoing."

Severus nodded.

Luscious was quiet for a while, regarding Severus with a thoughtful gaze. "But you look like you're in decent shape for someone who ha just escaped from dark wizards powerful enough to kidnap you right from underneath Dumbledore's crooked nose. Get up," Luscious commanded.

Shakily, Severus stood. The room swayed around him. When had he last eaten, he wondered. "What do you want me to do?"

Luscious smiled. "I take it you've been gone so long that you don't recall standard procedure?"

Severus took a shaky step back, yes, he remembered. "Is this entirely necessary?"

Luscious nodded. "Unless you have something to hide. You know all operatives recovered from the enemy must be tested through pain to insure they did not release any secrets to the enemy. Of course if you are a traitor, you could go ahead and tell me now."

Severus frowned angrily, as though the insinuation of being anything less than faithful to the Dark Lord was the worst insult he had ever had hurled at him. He turned around and thrust his hands behind his back. "I am ready to prove my loyalty."

"Spoken like one of the faithful," Luscious said, smiling even wider.

I will let you down

I will make you hurt

Severus remembered, thankfully, very little of what happened after he had given himself up to be tested. Rosier had come in to assist in the testing, to make sure Luscious didn't get so caught up in it that he actually killed Severus, to allow Luscious to break from time to time while he continued, and because he was an expert at torturing the truth from people.

Luscious had bound his wrists behind his back and then raised his arms up over his head at an excruciating angle, and hung him on the wall like that. It was a very simple form of non-magical torture that was also effective in keeping the victim from moving very far or doing visible damage to himself.

Their hands were bound and their heads were forced down. This way they couldn't claw or hit themselves and they couldn't bang their heads against the wall, table, floor, or anything else. He was to exhausted before Luscious and Rosier had even started to kick himself or anything else.

After that, most of his memory was fuzzy and soft. He remembered screaming, he remembered feeling tiny sparks covering his body and burrowing into him, an occasional question, a reply, more of the same. He could hear things that shouldn't be snapping, snapping.

Something wet and warm trickled down his chin, Rosier laughed, apparently Severus had screamed himself bloody. They had stopped, they were taking a break. Luscious poured something icy cold down his throat. He couldn't think clearly enough to identify anything about it. then everything got dark. He wasn't asleep, something was covering his eyes, a wet cloth.

A pinching sensation moved up his body starting at his toes. As it moved higher the feeling intensified and soon he was moaning, begging them to stop, just stop. It soon felt like his feet were flattening out and folding themselves together.

Silence, his feet slowly felt like they were unfolding, which was somehow more painful. They were discussing what to do next and asking him questions, he was drifting away into memory. Somewhere they couldn't find him...the pain faded out, wasn't happening at all.

He opened his eyes and found himself walking down Diagon Alley. He was alone, turning towards Knocktun Alley when a street sign he'd never noticed before caught his eye. It read Impartia Alley. He shrugged and decided to explore. It was a colorful, largely residential area. Most of the houses were broken down and shabby. They would have looked divey if it weren't for the bright colors they were painted in.

The yards looked like large, unkept beds of wildflowers and he could see the tops of curly heads, small children most likely, popping up and running around in the forests of flowers. The occasional long haired man or woman could be seen lounging on the porch reading or at the side of the house hanging up clothes and sheets.

As he strolled down the street feeling lost and out of place two familiar faces caught his attention. They were coming out of a book store coffee house at the end of the street. The two pointed at him and waved. He tried to turn away and dodge into a house with "library" painted on its sagging roof in neon green scrolling letters before they noticed him.

"Severus," shouted Lilly.

He could hear her feet beating their way across the dirt street. He gave up trying to hide and turned around.

"Do I know you," he asked slowly as Remus Lupin approached them.

Remus laughed, a sound that would have been frightfully similar to a howl if it weren't for the accompanying good natured smile on his face. "Don't be a joker."

Lily tilted her head to one side and frowned, looking thoughtful. Severus shifted uneasily beneath her probing gaze, he felt like she had just opened up his chest like a cabinet door and was peering at the secrets hidden within him.

"What have you been up to these days, Sev," Lily asked, sounding worried. "You look ill, quite ill."

Severus felt his face self consciously, wondering just how bad he looked. He felt clammy, even with the summer sun beating down on his face and warming his back. He shook his head. "Nothing really, just uh... working on getting a grant. I'm trying to find a potion to cure lycanthropy."

Remus's eyes lit up. "Really, well, you know who to ask if you need a guinea pig."

Severus nodded, wondering why it only made him feel despicable to lie when Lily was around.

"What brings you around these parts," Lilly asked. "Doesn't seem like your kind of place."

"What's that supposed to mean," he snapped. "Too colorful, to bright? I suppose you'd rather see me skulking about Knockturn Alley like some sort of low life."

Lily frowned. "Sev, you know that's not what I meant."

Severus turned on his heel and brushed past the two of them, glad to have a reason to get away from the conversation. Coward, running from a pregnant woman, a voice whispered in the back of his mind. He stopped. That was what it was, why he'd been avoiding her for so long. He couldn't bare the thought of Lily being married, having his child.

Severus turned around looking ashamed, he opened his mouth to say something but before he could get the words out he heard an explosion and everything went black.

When he opened his eyes he was in a small jail cell. A large red faced Auror was sitting on a stool, arms crossed and watching him closely. The man was tall, six feet at least with thick curly blonde hair cut close to his head. Severus rubbed his eyes and studied the man's face. Frank Longbottom. Severus sat up slowly, the whole room spun around him for a moment, he touched a hand to his head and felt something warm and sticky at his temple, his hand came away red.

He stood up and grasped the bars. "What in the hell am I doing here?"

Longbottom narrowed his eyes. "Interrogation."

Severus felt a cold wave of fear rise up within him. he shook his head, which turned out to be a bad idea because the room began to sway around him. he waited for the motion to stop before saying, "This is absolutely ridiculous. I should be in a hospital, not this damn cell! I'm bleeding! I could be concussed!"

"What were you doing on Impartia Alley," Longbottom asked.

Severus frowned, tried to remember. "I'd never been there before, I was talking to Remus Lupin and Lily Evans. Then there was a boom, everything went dark."

Longbottom's frown deepened. "Lily Potter is in the hospital, she was attacked by a squad of Death Eaters, killed the baby she was carrying, nearly did her in too."

Longbottom stood up and walked towards the bars. "So tell me, what were you doing on Impartia Alley."

Severus slammed his fist against the bars. "I already told you, I was just looking around, said hello to Lily and Remus and then I lost consciousness! I demand to see your superior! This is an outrage."

Longbottom reached through the bars and grabbed the collar of Severus's shirt. He yanked Severus towards him, causing him to smash his face against the bars. "You're not hearing me right, Snape," Longbottom shouted. "I want to know what a wizard known to specialize in poisons with a Dark Arts hobby was doing on Impartia Alley, an area known to house half-bloods, muggle-borns, squibs, and their muggle spouses!"

Severus's eyes widened. "You think I'm a Death Eater!"

"That's right, I do."

"You're wrong!"

Frank released Severus, let him fall to the floor. "We'll see how willing you are to talk after a bit of persuasion."

Severus's mind reeled. "I don't understand..."

"You're going to stay in here until you talk."

Frank opened the cell door and started rolling his robe sleeves up.

Severus began to tremble. He reached for his wand. It was gone. should have known. He backed up to the wall. "This is a mistake."

"You should have seen the look on Lily's face when she found out she'd lost the baby, I was there when they brought her in," Frank said, moving forward slowly.

Severus shook his head. "I don't want to hear this!"

"Should have seen her cry. Poor thing, you'd think her heart was broken. Took a lot of potion to get her to calm down. And then she- she asked if you and Remus were ok."

Severus buried his face in his hands. "I didn't do it! I swear to god!"

"How could you break her heart like that," Frank asked, sounding disgusted.

Severus fell to the floor on his knees as Frank moved closer and closer. A booted foot caught him under the chin, sent him reeling back against the wall again. He resigned himself to what was about to happen. A knee kicked him on his face. He wondered if Lily would ever be the same again.

The old familiar sting

"Stop," Rosier commanded, carefully watching Severus.

Luscious lowered his wand and wiped his forehead with the back of his left arm. "What?"

"Listen, he's babbling nonsense now," Rosier said. "If we go on we might break his mind."

"We haven't been doing it long enough, it's only been a few hours," Luscious spat testily.

"It isn't a matter of time when it comes to torturing and destroying your victim Luscious. There are other more important variables involved. Stress levels, age, physical health, mental health, traumatic experiences-- these are very important things to know when contemplating what to do with the victim," Rosier said, a strange light in his eyes.

Rosier motioned to the prone man on the wall, "He's been deprived of sleep for days, maybe a few hours here and there, and then he has nightmares. He was gaunt when we hung him up there, hasn't eaten, hasn't shaved. He's given up on life."

"What makes you say that," Luscious asked.

"He was never much on pride in appearance but he was always clean shaven, didn't want a beard getting in the way of his potion making I'd wager," Rosier mused, moving a stool up to the wall and climbing on top of it.

"Dumbledore would have offered him all the accommodations of the castle, try to win him over through kindness," Luscious said with a cruel laugh.

Rosier loosened the ropes around Severus's hands and caught him over his shoulder before he fell to the flower in one practiced movement. Rosier stepped down easily and laid Severus on the bed. "I don't think he's hiding anything, if he was he would have spilled something to go on, and at any rate if he's cracked too soon or too roughly he'll be useless and mad."

Luscious tilted his head and looked thoughtful. He gave an ironic laugh. "You're almost...tender when it comes to this."

Rosier nodded. "I suppose, one must have the care of a lover in order to do it right. There are so many things one can do, if done at just the right moment, to yield whatever results you desire. It is an art."

"And you are the master, but don't put that salve on his wounds, it must look like he escaped," Luscious said, patting Rosier on the shoulder. "Come on, let's bring him around and get him out of here."

I wear this crown of .... Upon my liar's chair

Full of broken thoughts I cannot repair

Severus's head lolled on his shoulder, he opened his eyes. Fat drops of rain splattered against his face. Everything was blurry. He was soaked. He lifted his head slowly and the world around him spun. He turned his head and retched. A bit of bile scorched the back of his throat. Another dry heave, nothing. He tried to take a deep breath and steady himself.

His body was shaking uncontrollably as he marshaled his thoughts, the lies Luscious had told him to tell, why he was here, tried to decide whether he was really going to go through with it. he his head sagged forward and rested against his chest.

He was sitting in a puddle trying to decide whether he could stand or not when he heard someone shouting far off in the distance. He looked up, vision clearing a little although the images were still doubling, tripling, and singling again before him. An enormous stone wall rose up in front of him, obscuring the horizon, large iron gates with a long dirt path winding out behind it and leading to him, and a group of running people, just gray blurs beyond the gates, faces obscured by rain-- theses images rocked back and forth in sickening sequences.

"Here, he's here," a sharp voice shouted.

The gates opened. Familiar nameless faces surrounded him. His whole body felt heavy and he began to slide forward. Everything moved so slowly, the colors fading from robes and the sodden earth, and the angry black sky. As though some unknown force was sucking all the color from the world, everything bleached out around him.

Surely I should have hit ground by now, Severus thought calmly as he closed his eyes.

Soon enough he did hit the earth but it did not hold him up like it should have, instead it acquiesced to his weight and sagged like down beneath his form. Sooner or later he thought it would stop but he continued to drift down and down and down. As he fell he felt all sorrow and worry fall away from him. He forgot who he was, what he was, and why. Some unnamed feeling flooded him and he realized he was weeping as he fell through the white earth that felt like down. Perhaps he had died, he though, feeling no fear. And if he had died he supposed that this could not be hell and that the God he was so sure had created and forsaken him must not be so bad after all. And so he descended until he knew no more and the darkness of his sleeping mind returned to claim him. When he awoke he could see nothing. He heard worried whispers somewhere far from him, perhaps in another room. He wondered why he couldn't see then realized he was on his stomach and the down he had imagined drifting through for all eternity was really just a large pillow. He strained his ears and listened to the conversation.

"Albus...I don't know that this..."

"...I have... but I don't think I am wrong."

"Fine."

The conversation ended and the door to the other room swung open. Severus could hear two people emerge. One walked quickly out of the room and shut the door softly behind her. The other stood silent and still, watching.

"Severus," Dumbledore said, sounding as though he knew the other man lay awake in bed.

Severus rolled over but said nothing.

Dumbledore sat down in one of the chairs next to him. "Would you mind telling me how you escaped the castle and why you turned up outside the gates in such a state."

Severus opened his mouth to tell the truth, thought better of it, and said, "I left to turn in my resignation," he laughed bitterly, as instructed. "They don't care to much for traitors, I'm afraid. They...tied me up...and..."

There was a long silence before Dumbledore finally said, "There is no need to continue if it is against your wishes."

Severus nodded. "I don't remember much after that, they left to take a break and when the second shift came in to work me over there was a loud bang and some commotion, Luscious Malfoy was there, he got me out... I'm sorry, I just can't remember..."

Dumbledore nodded. "As I said, there is no need to continue if you are unable. Madam Pomphrey has instructed me to give you this potion before I leave you for the night. I suggest you drink it or I dare say she'll have both our hides."

Severus reached for the offered steaming goblet and with shaking hands drank the potion. He felt a burst of heat explode in his stomach and ran through the list of possible poisons with this effect.

"Do you really think I would try to poison you," Dumbledore asked, sounding a little offended. "Had I wanted you dead, I could have left you to die at the gates of the castle from exhaustion and the elements."

Severus nodded, noting that the painful stiffness in his movements was easing a little. "It has been a treacherous road I have walked."

Dumbledore place a paternal hand over Severus's and squeezed very gently. "And I fear it is not over yet, these trials."

Severus looked at him. "What do you mean?"

"I need an insider, an operative within the last of Voldemort's Death Eaters. It's been a week since his fall and many of them are still going strong, still attacking and killing half -
bloods, muggle borns, and muggles alike. They're everywhere and the ministry is virtually powerless to stop them."

"How many deaths, innocent I mean," Severus asked.

"Eleven, I fear there are more we don't know about, "Dumbledore said, sadness weighing heavily in his old face, "It is, of course, a smaller death toll than when Voldemort was in power, so the ministry doesn't seem very concerned, says it's just the last of his followers who aren't captured or who haven't fled the country showing off, trying to scare the rest of the population.

Dumbledore stopped, shook his head. "I want them stopped. And you can find out who, when, where-- you can save lives. Many lives, innocent lives. Will you help me?"

Severus studied Dumbledore for a moment, eyes wide and disbelieving. "You want me to risk my life for some lot of people I don't even know," Severus motioned with a still quivering hand, "You don't think they'll know it's me who's ratting them all out, as I am the only one who's given his two week's notice. They'll kill me on sight if I get anywhere near any of them! Besides, it's only a matter of time before they come and hunt me down anyway! I'm a marked man, and these are some very sadistic blood-loving people who marked me! Give me one single good, sane, justifiable reason I should even consider doing this!"

Dumbledore looked very grave, he stroked his long silver beard thoughtfully as he watched Severus, beaten and battered and panting furiously starring back at him. Finally Dumbledore said," Severus, there are many reasons you should do this, dozens, hundreds, each with a face, a name, a life, hopes, dreams. These reasons are the people you have killed, or helped to kill. These reasons are the people whose deaths you can prevent. But I will give you the only reason that will persuade you, Lilly Evans."

Severus clenched his teeth.

"Think of what they did to Lily," Dumbledore said, a growing intensity in his voice. "She was happy. Whether you cared for James or not you must admit he loved her, that he would have provided her a very happy life. And she had her child, she was happy. And Voldemort destroyed that. Now his followers celebrate her destruction. The murdered her."

"Stop, please," Severus said weakly.

"You don't want to hear it because you know it's true. And not only have they violently torn Lily's carefully constructed life assunder, robbed her son of the most loving mother he could have asked for, but they have robbed you of her. Perhaps you would have never been together, but she would have been alive and happy and that would have been far better than what has happened," Dumbledore said, his voice cracking.

Severus opened his eyes and looked at the old wizard. "Dumbledore, I-- oh god"

Beneath the stains of time

The feelings disappear

You are someone else

I am still right here

"I-- I loved her," Severus wept, unable to hold back the tears. "I--god, I loved her more than life itself and I let them do this... I could have warned her. If I'd been different--"

If I could start again

A million miles from here

"I don't deserve to be here, I should be dead," Severus cried. "Why are you letting me live, why are you being kind to me?"

Dumbledore looked at him, the kindness in his eyes, the empathy, the understanding infuriating Severus even more.

"Tell me why you're doing this," Severus demanded.

"Because, Severus, this is how Lily would want it. She believed that you had the capacity to do good even when all others doubted you, even when I myself questioned whether there was any hope left. She believed, Severus, and so for her sake, for her love, I will believe in you and I will do as she would have wanted me to do," Dumbledore said.

I would keep myself

I would find a way