Well, my chapters are pretty short, but I'm churning them out fast. I'm at college a week on Monday and I don't know how much time I'll have to work on this then! Anway, thank you all for your reviews, they're much appreciated. And thank you for sticking with it (I hope this isn't too premature!). I know it's a slow burner, but I promise you this is going somewhere and I do know where that is!


Chapter 4

Susan walked into the exam room to find Luka sat next to his patient, his eyes focused on the old man's cold, lifeless face, his thoughts obviously far away.

'When did he code?

Luka jumped slightly. He hadn't noticed Susan come in. 'Sorry what?'

'Your patient. When did he code?'

'Err, a few minutes ago.' Luka didn't really remember. He wasn't sure how long he'd been sitting here.

'Are you okay?'

Luka looked up at Susan. Her face was etched with worry. He shifted under her unfaltering gaze, her obvious concern for him made him uncomfortable. Did she think he was upset at losing the patient? He hadn't been thinking of that at all. Hadn't even noticed he was staring at the dead man. His mind had been elsewhere. Lost in the thoughts that almost suffocated him each night. Thoughts of everything, and yet nothing in particular. The past. The War. Memories of it used to plague him in nightmares. But that's all they were. Nightmares. Then he would wake up and they were gone. That was his past and he knew it would never leave him, but he also knew he could get on with his life in the present. He didn't know that anymore. The nightmares now came to him when he was awake and they crept into his head, winding themselves into his everyday life, until he didn't know where they ended and reality began. Not that reality was much better. Get up, go to work, to a bar, to someone else's bed. He didn't know how long he could bear going on like this. He didn't know how to stop.

Suddenly realising how lost he'd let himself get; he forced himself back to reality. He got up and stretched slightly. 'I'm fine Susan, just tired.'

She looked far from convinced. He forced a smile. 'Only five hours to go!'

Luka left the room, cursing himself for letting Susan see him like that. He couldn't imagine what she was thinking. She probably thought he was going crazy. Maybe he was. The truth was it had always been like this. He just hadn't let it take over him. Until now. It had been a long time since he felt truly happy, but there had been points since then where he'd come close. There was Carol, but he'd always known that couldn't work out deep down. Known that he wanted it far more than she did. And that it was it that he had wanted, not her. He had needed someone. Anyone. And then he'd had Abby. But she'd never had him, not really. And she knew that. He'd never let her in. God, he hadn't even really tried, just went on deluding himself that he could be someone else for her. She'd known it wasn't him. And then Nicole. At the time it had seemed like another nightmare, but this time real. Only it wasn't real. Looking back, he almost wished it had been. If he'd had a child to look after then maybe . . . maybe things would have been easier. He would have had a purpose. His purpose used to be his work. No matter how bad things got outside that, it was always work that had kept him going. Parts of his life that he'd always managed to keep apart weren't staying that way anymore. The edges all blurry. Things had only got worse, and he hadn't been able to prevent them from affecting the way he was at work. The way he did his job. He could see it in people's eyes. In Susan's eyes just now. Yes, they were worried about him. But they were also worried for themselves. Worried that they would at some point have to be the one to judge whether he was competent. To convince him to leave. He'd tried leaving. Tried taking time off, but it hadn't changed anything. He had thought he needed time to sort things out, but the truth was he didn't even know how.

Once again, Luka dragged himself out of his own thoughts. He strode quickly past the admin desk and didn't turn as Frank called his name. He knew what it was about. He didn't need this now. He didn't need this at all. He couldn't think straight. The dizziness that had intermittently plagued him throughout the day was worsening.

He walked to Curtain Two and picked up his patient's chart. He had to squint to make out the words, which refused to stay still on the page. 'Has the nurse not come to take a urine sample yet Mrs Buckley?'

'I aint pissin' in no cup. No nurse is goanna make me piss in no cup.' Mrs Buckley declared loudly.

'We need to take a urine sample to find out what's wrong with you Mrs Buckley.' Sighed Luka impatiently, already exasperated from having had to persuade his seventy-four year old patient into letting him examining her.

'My chest hurts. An' my head hurts. My whole body hurts. I got a cold an' a sore throat. I don't need to piss in no cup. I know what's wrong wi' me. I got flu. Jus' give me some medicine an' I'll get better.'

'I have to diagnose you properly before I can prescribe anything. And anyway, Mrs Buckley, if you do have flu, which you probably have, I can't give you any antibiotics.' Luka repeated for about the tenth time that day.

'What?! I've been here three hours now! Three hours before I got a doctor. I need that medicine to get better.'

'Mrs Buckley, antibiotics don't help with the flu. The flu goes away on it's own.' Luka was now more than tired with arguing with patients about this. If he didn't already know that all the inner-city clinics were closed, he would go to each one and give the idiot doctors who had been giving these people drugs for the flu a piece of his mind.

'The medicine always helps me when I got flu. My doctor always gives me the medicine when I got flu. I want another doctor! I want an American doctor!'

Luka could feel his anger growing and was glad that the patient causing it was an elderly lady; otherwise he might not have been able to control his fury. 'You can't have another doctor.' He was almost shouting now. 'All the other doctors are busy treating idiots like you who also have flu but are too stupid to just stay at home in bed!'

'You can't talk to me like that! You aint no proper doctor! I don't want you as my doctor!' The old lady's shouts were drawing attention from surrounding patients, and even a couple of nurses had stopped to watch the commotion.

Luka took a deep breath, forcing himself to speak calmly. 'Well that's fine with me. I'm discharging you. All you need is to go home and rest for a couple of days.' He turned to one of the nurses who were staring openly. 'You. See that Mrs Buckley's urine sample is cancelled and that she vacates this bed. We need it for real patients.'

'I want another doctor!'

'Then you'll have to go back to triage and join the back of the queue!' Luka yelled, and with that he spun around and left the room.

Luka walked straight through the ER, practically having to push through the crowd of people demanding that Frank tell them when they'd be seen. He walked straight into the lounge and to his locker, took off his lab coat, put on his outdoor jacket and slammed the locker shut. He paused, unable to keep his balance from increasing dizziness; he leant against the locker, the metal cool against his forehead, his eyes closed.

He heard the door open.

'Are you alright Luka?' He turned slowly. Susan was in the doorway, looking confused and very concerned.

It was a few seconds before he felt he could talk without his voice shaking. 'I'm fine. But I think I'm coming down with flu. I'm going to have to go home.'

He walked out before Susan could protest, took Mrs Buckley's chart, which he was surprised to find still gripped tightly in his hand, and slammed it down on the desk I front of Frank who was holding the phone in one hand.

'Doctor Kovac, a Kate Russell on the line for you.' He said, rather loudly, more than happy to share the information with whoever might be around to hear. This is the fifth time she's called today.' He continued, the volume of his voice growing slightly, aware that he had a small audience.

Luka, who had been looking away as if unsure whether to ignore Frank completely, looked up at him and the few nurses who were watching. Chuni, Malik, Abby and a few others he recognised but didn't know by name. They all quickly looked away. He could feel Susan's eyes on his back.

It felt like a long time before he could summon his voice. It could only have been seconds. 'I'm leaving.'

'But your shift hasn't finished yet.' Said Frank slowly and loudly; as if he wasn't sure Luka could understand him.

Luka turned and walked straight out of the ER without looking back.