Wow. Couldn't write this with without saying that I've just read Chapter 20 of Naomi's Circles. I had been looking forward to an update for a few days now, and certainly wasn't disappointed, but talk about a cliff-hanger! Anyway, I wanted to mention how much I'm enjoying that story, since Naomi is one of the people who has been reviewing mine and I am still unable to post reviews because of a technical fault. Thankyou to everyone who has took the time to review this story, your thoughts are much appreciated. :)


Chapter 5

As Luka signalled to the waitress to bring him his fourth drink, well, fourth drink in this bar anyway, he noticed that his surroundings were taking on an interesting hazy quality. In the same way the waitress had done with the three before it, she leant forward as she set the drink down in front of him, practically pushing her large bust in his face and smiling flirtatiously, and in the same way he had done with the three before it, he blatantly ignored her silent invitation.

Glancing behind her to ensure that her boss was out of sight, the waitress purposely turned her back to a customer who was vainly trying to catch her attention. 'Are you waiting for someone?' She asked, in reference to his constant glances at the doorway.

'No.'

She smiled. 'You know, I'm off in a couple of hours. We could get a drink or something.'

'I don't think so.'

'Well, you have a couple of hours to think about it.' She said, reluctantly walking away to serve the man who was now shouting to her irately.

This seemed like a good time to leave, Luka thought. He glanced at his watch. He had been sat here drinking in solitude almost two hours now. And he'd been in the previous bar longer than that. Christ, what was he doing here? He had a shift in the morning. Not that they would be expecting him to actually turn up, he thought ruefully. They probably wouldn't be surprised if he simply took a week or so off and then turned up for a shift as if nothing had happened. As tempting as the thought was, he knew that he wouldn't do that again. The time off hadn't solved anything before, so why would it change things now? It wouldn't. He knew that despite everything he would do the only thing he knew how to do. Carry on. And hope for the best. He laughed wryly, which earned him a suspicious look from the man sitting to his left. Carrying on and hoping for the best might be his only real option at the moment, but even that was futile if he was going to end up collapsing at work from exhaustion. The solution to that problem was sitting on his bedside table at home, and had been for several days now. He hadn't yet been able to take them. Sleeping pills wouldn't stop the nightmares. They would just stop him from waking up and escaping them. He would wait until tomorrow night when he was off the next day, he thought. That way at least he wouldn't end up sleeping through a shift. No matter how much he stressed the rationality of these thoughts to himself, he simply couldn't ignore the fact that he was afraid. A womaniser, a heavy drinker, a bad doctor and a coward, he thought sorrowfully. Jesus, he was a catch.

Conceding that he might as well try to get a few hours sleep, he downed the last of his drink, stood up and made for the door. As he was about to open it, it was pushed inwards from the outside and there she was. The woman he had been telling himself he wasn't waiting for as he sat in the bar all night.

After overcoming the initial shock, she smiled hesitantly. 'I thought you might be here.'

'I was just leaving.'

There was a pause as she waited to see if he would invite her to leave with him.

Understanding that he wasn't going to, she took the lead. 'Would you like to stay and have a drink with me?'

No, he thought. No I wouldn't. I have to work in the morning; this is the last thing I need.

'Okay.'

She led the way and they sat at a table in the far corner of the dimly lit bar. She sat looking down at her hands and made no move to order a drink, but he couldn't help but notice that her breath suggested she had already had quite a few. She sat waiting for him to speak. Knowing what he would say.

'You shouldn't phone me at work.'

'You didn't return my calls.'

'That's not the point.'

'What is the point?'

'The point is, you shouldn't phone me at work. What do you think it looks like when a woman calls me five times in one shift.'

'It wouldn't look like anything if you had just come to the phone.'

'I couldn't talk to you there. I have to work with these people Kate. What would they think?'

'I don't know, maybe that you'd slept with a woman you didn't know and were trying to avoid her.'

He cringed at hearing her speak the ugly truth. He didn't want it to be true. He wanted more than anything to be intimate with a woman in a way which wasn't purely sexual, but he just didn't think he was able. Maybe it was the fear of getting hurt. The knowledge that the closer he allowed himself to get to a woman, the more it would hurt when it ended and he was left alone. Again. He hadn't let Abby get too close to him, but he hadn't been able to prevent himself from getting too close to her. He had been attracted to Abby, but he had also admired her and allowed himself to care for her. He couldn't allow himself to do that again. The one-night stands were a distraction, and even provided an odd sort of comfort, but most importantly he knew he was safe. The women he slept with were just bodies to him, and he knew he was the same to them, and because of that he felt the same contempt for them which he felt for himself. Kate was different. She had been looking for comfort another person, but she needed more comfort than meaningless sex could provide. She needed him, and no matter how much he tried to ignore it, her need drew him to her. He wanted to be the person she needed. He just didn't know how. And he knew he would end up being just another in a long line of men who had hurt her. As much as he didn't want to hurt her, he knew there was no avoiding it. The only thing he could do was get it over with now, and prevent the pain from dragging out.

He turned to look at her. She shifted uneasily under his daunting gaze.

'What do you want Kate?"

She tried to force a mischievous grin and she opened her mouth to make a suggestive reply but his harsh look caused her to falter. Her smile disappeared and she seemed suddenly unsure of herself. He watched her, his gaze steady, and saw the hope in her eyes that he was somehow playing with her slowly diminish. She looked away, embarrassed.

'Nothing, I just . . . Nothing.' She said almost inaudibly. She stood abruptly and left.

A wave of guilt ran over him and he opened his mouth to call to her but she was gone. The thought that he could run after her occurred to him and was dismissed in the same moment.

It was better this way.


Luka walked slowly in the direction of his apartment, taking a long route down bar-lined streets, part of him wishing he would bump into her. Tonight was the first night in a long time he would go home alone, and he found it strangely daunting. It was odd that having a complete stranger there, as he lay awake in bed could provide a type of comfort, but that's what it did. It didn't rid him of the loneliness he felt, or the memories that plagued him, but having them there, being able to feel there body warmth as they slept reminded him that no matter how much it sometimes felt like the opposite, he was alive. And whilst he was alive it wasn't over. There was still a chance, however miniscule, that he could regain at least some of the lust for life that he had felt so long ago. After all, he had been here before. He had been in the depths of despair, where the anguish was so severe that death appeared an escape. But he hadn't died. He had pulled through. And it had taken some time, but he'd come to feel again. He hadn't thought he'd ever be able to love another person like he'd loved his wife and children, but what he'd felt for Abby had certainly come close. And yes, he'd lost that opportunity to become that close to someone again, and it was one more thing which tormented him each night as he lay awake, but the pain served it's purpose. It reminded him that he had come close to putting the past behind him. It reminded him that he was still capable of loving someone else.