The threads of time, they bind me.
Memories of a broken past, they haunt me...
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Touya san…
He invokes strange emotions in me. I experience
a kind of warmth I have never known before whenever I am with him.
I am actually excited each morning when I arise for the prospect
of meeting him instantaneously brightens up my day.
I draw the window blinds apart now and watched the rays
of dazzling sunlight stream in. The wafting scent of sakura flowers
lingered in the air and slowly blossomed into a source of revitalization
for me. Strange, but I find that I am tired. I stretched myself
languorously and proceeded to the door with my book bag. It would
never do to be late, and on the first day of term at that!
I wait at my gate for Touya to come by. The winds
rustled my silver hair and subconsciously, I raised my right hand to pat
down the unruly strands. Silver hair…a strange hair color to possess,
wasn't it? Yet, I could never suffice any explanation to it, like
I never knew who my biological parents were. Worst yet, I realize
in horror that the "grandparents" that I thought I had were just fragments
of my imagination…I was just in a world of my own.
I had no kin.
No family I could call my own.
I had only Touya.
Only Touya…
"Yuki! Let's get going! Sorry I'm late!"
A very familiar voice rings out. It startles me out of my reverie.
I look up into that face, those deep set eyes, that raven black hair.
"Ohio, Touya." I smile at him, feeling my
heart lighten up.
He too, grins back at me, but I notice him searching my
face intently.
"Tired?"
I shake my head. It wouldn't do to make Touya worry
excessively.
"By the way, where's Sakura?"
"Oh, Kaiiju stormed off to school early this morning."
I smile again. Though Touya would never admit it,
his love for his younger sister was just too apparent in the way he addressed
her. Although "Kaiiju" does not sound too flattering at first, it
just stemmed from his affection for her.
It wasn't long before both of us started pedaling to school
on our bicycles. The winds, they seem to laugh so happily, ever so
often playing with our hair.
"Touya kun! Yukito san! Wait for me!" A
merry voice calls out happily.
Touya groans. As for me, I have learnt to accept
that Touya was just too popular with girls and that as a good friend, I
should be happy for him.
"Oh, you both are sure early today!" Nakuru speeds
past us quite easily on her new roller blades, but slows down to match
our speed.
Nakura's russet tresses were now bundled up into several
plaints which now flew out behind her as she roller bladed along with the
grace of a ballerina. She is smiling as she talks to Touya now and
I can see that she really enjoys Touya's company. I feel a twinge
of jealousy shooting up my spine but quickly suppress it. After all,
who was I to interfere with Touya's life?
I must admit that indeed, I am a rather possessive person.
Although I never show what I truly feel, I actually experience far too
many intense emotions sometimes.
Loneliness.
It is the one constant emotion that stays, unwaveringly
with me. It stabs me sharply like shreds of glass broken from the
mirror of reality. Once I had my own fantasy, I had family.
This fantasy was smashed to smithereens and I was faced with the cold hard
truth of what reality had to offer.
I am alone.
Do you ever feel this way? That you are so scared
and yet, you have no one to turn to for help? That you are actually
being ignored by the world? I feel so helpless…maybe that was why
I have come to look upon Touya as my tower of strength and support.
Yet, I will never let anyone know this. I shall
go on being my cheerful self in the hopes that one day, I can abandon this
lonely simulacrum of me.
Yes. My cheerfulness is only a façade, something
I use to mask my emotions.
"Yukito san, what are you thinking? You look
so solemn" Nakuru asks me, a rare gesture.
I look up, a trifle surprised. Why, she usually
ignored me, and yet she is studying me with acute interest now. Her
usually sparkling hazel eyes now flicker with a new kind of emotion I have
never seen before.
I just smile and continue pedaling. Nakuru would
never understand. She was usually so happy-go-lucky and jovial, she
would never know the bitter taste of loneliness.
Never in a million years…
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
That afternoon found me sitting under the shade of one
of the lovely fir trees near the school compound. I stretch out my
right hand to catch one of the falling leaves as a gust of wind rustled
the trees. It falls right into my hand, a glorious shade of golden
orange that heralded the forthcoming of autumn.
"Yukito, where's Touya kun?"
I look to my right to see Nakuru approaching. She
had a knack for being able to walk with footsteps that resembled a kitten,
she walks quietly.
"Oh, he's having his basketball practice now."
I nod at her.
"Oh?"
There was a long silence that reigned after that.
I guess both of us just could not foster that chemistry. Just then,
a white dove swooped low and perched on a small twinge just right before
us, twittering sweetly.
Nakuru leans over to it and delicately pats the dove.
The dove does not fly away in fright, which struck me
as unusual.
The she picks up the dove, letting it nestle comfortably
in her cupped hands. Stroking the dove's head gently, Nakuru brought
it close to her face and kissed it.
What a beautiful scene, seemingly depicting maternal love……a
love I have never had……
"Come, Yukito. Hold it, it's sweet!" Nakuru
holds out her cupped hands to me, the dove still comfortably seated there.
"All right." I lean forward.
Nakuru hands the bird over to me, delicately placing it
on my outstretched palms. Her fingers brush against mine for an instant
and I am surprised to see a tinge of pink manifest itself on her cheeks.
Yet, in that timeframe when we made physical contact, even though so short,
I feel a strange sensation writhing in my veins. There is this feeling
of a propulsion within me, as if something did not quite fit. It
is as if I feel another foreign matter entering me, one that my body resists
against.
I know it sounds incomprehensively unbelievable.
Yet, this is truly the feeling I get.
I gaze at the dove in my hands now and tickle it.
Its body felt so warm and soft.
Nakuru is watching me now.
I can feel it.
This attention that she rivets on me, I find it rather
unnerving actually. I look at her and smile sweetly, but stop when
I see that she seemed to have something to ask me.
"Will you be coming tonight?" She asks me.
It was a simple question. Yet, the answer to it…it
was not that easy. For one thing, I did not know she was talking
about. Secondly, I feel that she was not directing the question at
me.
Another entity in me stirs.
Yue…
Honestly, I am unable to comprehend what Yue is thinking.
He is far more powerful than me and seemingly, he knows all about me.
I only know he exists, but I could never feel him in me unless he feels
like making his presence felt. Therefore, I knew nothing of him,
absolutely nothing. My body temperature falls and I suddenly feel
a little cold. This is a sure sign that Yue is responding, though
not too much.
Why did Yue respond to Nakuru?
I am puzzled.
"I'll be waiting for you, Yue." Nakuru leaves soon
after, skipping away a trifle too cheerfully.
Actually, I could not hear what Nakuru said before she
left. She seems to speak right through me, trying to send a message
to something else in me. I see her lips moving but I hear no coherent
words. I sighed. Maybe I was really far too exhausted.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
That night, I stayed overnight at the Kinomoto's residence.
Touya and I were supposed to study for our upcoming test. Touya goes
into the kitchen to prepare some beverage and waves for me to go into his
room, though not without giving me a smile first. The house seemed
relatively quiet. I think Fujitaka-san must be away at one of his
missions again.
I trudge up the stairs and was greeted by a corridor with
three rooms on either side. Proceeding towards Touya's room, I was
about to turn the silver doorknob when I was halted by a muffled cry emanating
from the next room.
Sakura!
I rush into Sakura's room to see that she was in bed,
but was not looking all that comfortable. In fact, there was a petrified
expression frozen on those sweet delicate facial features. Kneeling
down beside her bed, I softly stroked Sakura's auburn tresses, gently calling
out her name in a bid to awaken her. Poor girl, she must be having
a nightmare.
Suddenly, she opens her eyes. Those beautiful emerald
eyes were transfixed with such terror and fear. It broke my heart
to see her so frightened. She hugs me, crying hard.
"Yue-san, no, don't leave me Yue-san!"
My body temperature plunges about 20 degrees lower and
darkness is all I see before I descend into the realm of unconsciousness.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
"Mistress, what's the matter?"
I asked her trying to calm her down.
It seems to be to no avail as she only clings on to me
all the more. It is in situations like this that makes me feel so
helpless. Clow Reed never cried, and so I never had to worry upon
the fact that I had to console him when he was feeling scared or worried.
It had never dawned on me that being a Guardian meant that I had to be
a good counselor too and Clow had never cast any light on that either.
I am very bad at consoling people.
Now, Sakura leans against me, sobbing.
"Yue-san, in my dream, you wanted to leave me."
She peers up at me out of those tears filled eyes.
I lift my fingers to her eyes and gently wipe the tears
away. When I spoke next, I was looking straight into those emerald
eyes and speaking in a hypnotic undertone.
"But it was just a dream, Sakura. And dreams
aren't real." I know my voice sounds dreamy to her, as if echoed
from a distant place.
She is in a slight trance now. Her emerald eyes
are glassy yet she summons up the rest of her consciousness to speak to
me.
"No, Yue-san, this dream, it is just like all those
other dreams I had. It shows me…the…future….."
Sakura goes back to sleep then. The future?
I am surprised at how easily I dismiss Sakura's dream. I laughed
a cold laugh.
Who knew what the future promised?
My mind brings me back to the past. I feel
a sharp pain in my chest as I recalled Clow and the memories that were
stringed along with it.
I was a young lad then, innocent and naïve.
I lived a normal childhood, with Clow Reed raising and nurturing me just
like I was his own son. At that point of time, I must say I was an
extrovert. I made friends easily and chatted readily enough with
just anyone. I learnt all forms of martial arts, mastered
a myraid of musical instruments, grasped and understood many esoteric methods
of meditation, all under the unwavering guidance of Clow. I
thought the world of him and he, he was just like any proud father.
Of course, I wondered why my hair was all silvery
and that Clow's was raven black. Many a times, I had pondered over
who my biological mother was but each time I asked Clow, he only
gave me a mysterious smile.
I was intrigued. Yet, I never pressed him for
an answer.
Soon, not long after, Clow brought home a winged stuffed
bear that could actually speak. I looked upon it with wonder as it
introduced itself as Keroberus.
No doubt Keroberus instilled much color into my life
then, for his wild exuberance never fails to lift my spirits. It
seemed the most natural thing then, for keroberus and I to become best
friends.
When I was twenty years old, I fell in love with a
sweet young girl who lived next door.
I think Clow knew it.
Perhaps, he could see it in me. How I was so
much more energetic each day, how I walked with a new kind of spring in
my footsteps, how happiness and euphoria was expressed on my face.
I was going out with that girl every day. She who was of raven black
hair, of the kindest azure eyes, and she who was of the most forgiving
soul. It all started when I heard her playing a piano piece she had
composed when I was passing her house one day. I fell in love with
the piano piece straightaway. It spoke volumes of loneliness, sadness
and a lost love.
Yet, the song, it was never played to the last bar.
The girl told me that she did not know how to end this
little song of hers. I merely smiled and reassured her that she would
complete it…one day.
And so we met everyday. I was becoming more and
more attracted to her. Each time I gazed into her eyes, I see something
new about her. Those azure eyes, they seemed to manifest an infinite
abyss of warm emotions. Yet, I still can always sense the lingering
presence of that unspoken sorrow. True, time can alleviate sufferings
and sorrow to a certain extent. Yet, one never recovers completely.
I wanted to be the one to share her sadness, I wanted
to be the one to comfort her, and most importantly...I wanted to be the
one to help her forget her grief.
There is this buring desire in me to be with her...forever.
I believed I was going to propose to her soon.
Yet, we never knew the ordeal that would descend upon
us. It was that fateful day…
"Yue?"
Reality snatches me back from the past as I struggle to
remember where I was supposed to be.
"Yue?" Touya called a little softly.
"Oh? I'm all right. Sakura just had a nightmare."
I set my eyes upon that sweet angelic face. A child
my Mistress is, but yet, I can feel the strength of her soul. It
flares and burns like an inferno, fueled by her innermost desire to protect
those around her. No, I do not dislike her. In fact…I believe
I am slowly starting to like her. In my soul, there rages a desire
to protect her at all costs. It was never like this with Clow Reed.
Lowering my head to look at Sakura who was still resting
in my arms, I raised my hand to touch her right cheek gently.
There and then, I made a slient vow to myself.
I will never leave Sakura……never.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
I change back into my spurious form and it is in this
form that I use to study together with Touya.
Yet, it is long after Touya drifts off to sleep that I
emerge again as the Guardian. I cast a glance at Touya, watching
him breath evenly and peacefully. Leaning close to him, I whisper
something into his ear. It was a spell to let him have sweet dreams.
Yes, I definitely feel something for my Mistress's brother. That
"something" is always haunting me. It stabs me sharply each time
Touya is around Yukito.
What a joke. I was jealous of my false form.
How ironic that my false form is still me.
And yet, I can never take the place of my spurious form.
Never.
Without further hesitation, I spread out my wings and
made off in the direction of the one place on Earth that offered me the
comfort I so needed...
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Disclaimer: All characters featured in this fic are copyright
of Clamp.
Please review.^_^ I am still kinda nervous about this chapter
cos I made some slight alterations to it. Sorry to readers who have
already read it.