"William," Buffy whispered in his ear, "you're not responsible for the things you did before. It wasn't really you. I've only known you for a short while, but I know you'd never hurt anyone. You're a good man and you don't have to pay for things that an evil monster did."

William shook his head as he pulled away from Buffy. "Pet, it was me. It was all me. I'm the monster."

Buffy sighed. "You didn't have a choice. It was your nature. I mean, maybe it even still is, but your soul helps you overcome it. It's not your fault."

William looked at Buffy and gave her a weary smile. "You think vampires don't have free will? We choose....I chose everyday to go out and feed on humans. I chose to torture the men and.....hurt their women."

Buffy shook her head. "But you didn't have a conscience. Not like you do now. You can't tell me you don't know there's a difference."

"Of course I know there's a difference. I feel it every bloody second of the day. But luv.....ah, I knew you wouldn't understand.....It's different when it's you having nightmares about all your victims. When it's you seeing their faces in your waking hours. It hurts every single day. And the only thing that lessens that hurt is...." William took another deep breath.

"Is making the pain physical?" Buffy frowned.

William shrugged. "Only thing I've found, at any rate."

"Have you tried anything else?"

"Kind of stopped looking when I found something that worked." William looked anywhere but at Buffy.

"But, that doesn't make any sense. You say you deserve the pain, but you try to lessen the emotional hurt with physical hurt?" Buffy frowned.

William looked indignant. "Never said it was logical, okay? I don't know why.....I just know that the guilt will drive me 'round the bend if I don't do something about it. And I know I gotta help people, fight evil to try and somehow make amends, if that's even possible. And I can't do that if I'm sack 'o hammers, can I? So yeah, I'll take the physical hurt over the mental hurt anyday. Not like it ever goes away anyway. Just becomes slightly tolerable. That's more than I deserve, but I figure hurt is hurt." He looked away from her again. "So long as I'm getting what I deserve, doesn't matter what form it takes."

A thought struck Buffy, and before she could talk herself out of it, she said, "Tell me if it still hurts through this."

William frowned and looked back at Buffy just as she reached up to his face and pulled him down to hers. The moment their lips met, Buffy sighed. She had forgotten how nice it was to kiss cool lips. William panicked and tried to pull back, but Buffy held him fast. William quickly reasoned that his strength was no match for a Slayer, and kissed her back. Just as William wondered if he could get away with a little tongue action, Buffy had slipped hers between his lips. William moaned, and Buffy smiled against his mouth.

The heated exchange lasted a few moments longer before Buffy pulled back, nearly gasping for breath. William stumbled back, clearly stunned. Buffy smiled at William's dazed state. "So?" she asked.

William squinted at her, trying to make out what she had asked. He said the only thing that came to his mind. "I don't like women."

Buffy's eyebrows shot up in surprise. "I would beg to differ," she said as her gaze traveled to the noticeable bulge in his pants.

William looked down and quickly put his hands in front of his crotch. "No, I mean, I like women, but I don't....I mean, I....I've given up women."

Buffy looked puzzled. "What? For like, lent or something?"

William shook his head. "No, for good. I don't.....I don't deserve women."

Realization dawned on Buffy. "You mean, you don't deserve to be happy with a woman."

William looked down. "I don't deserve to be happy at all. I can't...not after the things I've done. I deserve pain. I....I fight evil and I do penance. It's my thing. Women aren't part of that equation."

"Um, why women, particularly? Why not....tv or books or...or anything else that makes people happy?"

William smiled a little. "Because women....." He sighed, "I love women. Women have always made me happy. And I don't just mean sexually, though they have done that....What I mean is, even before I was turned, my whole existence was about women. My mother, my dear cousin Emily....Cecily.....Women ruled me. And I was a willing servant. Women are the thing poets write about. Women inspire. They thrill. They're amazing creatures that have always held my heart. Beauty, strength, charm...they have it all. All women do. To lesser and greater degrees, but they all do. And I know me. I know how easily I can let a woman take control of me, of my heart and now my soul. And nothing would make me happier than to fall completely, ridiculously in love with a woman. And that's why I can't allow it."

Buffy smiled at William. She smiled at the intense, open look in his eyes. "William. Did you like kissing me?"

William nodded. "Yes, but-"

Buffy held up her hand. "No buts. Did you feel the pain, the guilt you always feel when you were kissing me?"

William thought a moment and shook his head.

"Would you like to kiss me again?"

William nodded his head.

"Then do it."

William closed his eyes. "No. I'm sorry, I can't."

Buffy sighed. "Because you need the pain?"

William opened his eyes and nodded.

Buffy shook her head and threw up her arms in disgust. "Fine, you want me to pinch your arm while we kiss? Or maybe knee you in the balls? I can do pain if you want."

William had a very shocked, confused look on his face. "Um, no thanks. I'm rather fond of my balls, and not looking to have you accidentally pinch a chunk of my arm off."

Buffy smiled at that, then her face clouded. "This....between us, it's not going to happen, is it?"

William shook his head and sighed. "I'm afraid not. Like I said, nothing would make me happier, and there's the rub."

Buffy nodded. "So the plan is to be as miserable as possible for as long as possible?"

William shrugged. "Long and short of it, yeah."

"Well then, you should be very satisfied with dinner tomorrow. I'm cooking!" Buffy tried for levity.

William chuckled. "Still invited, am I?"

Buffy frowned. "Why wouldn't you be? We're still friends, right? Still slaying-buddies? Just not making with the smoochies anymore. Which, gotta say, bummer. You're a really good kisser."

William's face brightened up and he leaned in a bit. "Really?"

Buffy smiled. "Yeah, really. Best kiss of my life."

William narrowed his eyes at her. "Now you're just poking fun...."

"No! I'm not, I swear. That kiss was amazing. Or at least it was from my end."

"Hey, I think you saw how much I enjoyed it. Not bloody fair, that."

"What? Just because your a guy and your 'interest' is more obvious?" Buffy giggled.

William raised an eyebrow. "Luv, your interest is obvious too. At least to those of us with heightened senses....."

Buffy frowned. "What do you mean?"

William looked at her suggestively and sniffed the air deliberately as his gaze traveled to her groin.

Buffy's face turned bright red. "Oh my god, that is so disgusting. Stop that! Stop it right now!"

William chuckled. "Can't really help it love. You stop emanatin' that lovely smell...."

Buffy closed her eyes and shook her head. "Ok, I'm so not having this conversation. I'm going home now."

William smiled. "Want me to walk you?"

"A world of no. I don't need you following me home smelling me like some dog."

"Well, you best walk fast, then Slayer. You'll be attracting every male vampire in a 10 mile radius with what you're givin' off! Probably some werewolves and Troilok demons too. And anything else that has better than average smell."

Buffy's jaw clenched. "I'm not even dignifying that with a response. Good night, William. And don't forget, 7 o'clock tomorrow." She turned to leave.

"Sure thing. And if I forget how to get to your place, I'll just follow your scent that's sure to be lingering for a week."

Buffy paused, but then shook her head and continued walking to the gates of the cemetery.

William shook his head and laughed. As he watched her go, he took one last deep breath and took in her scent, wishing it would last as long as he'd teased her it would. 'What the bloody hell are you doing, Will?' he admonished himself as he headed back toward his apartment.

"He's here!" Dawn squealed when she heard the rumble of William's motorcycle.

"Okay, okay. Let's not scare him off before he even gets here!" Buffy yelled from the kitchen.

Dawn watched out the window while William messed with his hair as he walked up to the door.

Before he could reach for the doorbell, the door swung open to reveal Dawn, hands on her hips, head tilted, giving William the once-over.

"You must be Dawn," William held out his hand awkwardly.

"You're William. And a vampire."

William dropped his hand and swallowed. "Right on both counts. Um, your sis home?"

Dawn ignored his question. "So since you're a vampire, you can't come in unless I invite you, right?" She stepped back from the doorway, almost daring him.

William bit back a smile. "Well, I am a rather special vampire. Why don't we see if all those silly rules apply to me." With that, William took a large stride across the threshold.

Dawn's eyes went wide with surprise, and she backed away from him while yelling, "Buffy! You're boyfriend's a freak. And more than just being a vampire." She turned to run to the kitchen and ended up crashing into Buffy who was leaving the kitchen at the same time.

Buffy reached down to help Dawn up. "What's all the ruckus?"

Dawn pointed to William as she stood. "He just came in! Just like that. No invite or anything." She narrowed her eyes at William. "Are you sure you're a vampire?"

"Nah, I just look really good for a 140 year old bloke," William gave Dawn a toothy grin.

Buffy rolled her eyes. "Yes, Dawn, he's a vampire. I gave him a standing invitation the other day. He's just yanking your chain." Buffy looked at William. "Which, I'd appreciate you don't do, seeing as my baby sister is impressionable."

"I'm not a baby!" Dawn whined.

"Ok, notababy, go set the table. Dinner's almost done."

"Fine." Dawn pouted as she went to the dining room.

Buffy shook her head as she looked up at William. "Wanna help me finish cooking?"

"Oh, uh, not so good with the cooking, luv. But I'll watch you," William smiled.

Buffy shrugged. "Fair enough." They walked into the kitchen as Dawn continued to set the dining room table.

William met the rest of the gang in turn as they arrived for dinner. The girls gave him a warm greeting. Xander's was less than warm, but wasn't rude. Willow and Anya made small talk with William and Buffy in the kitchen while Xander and Tara helped Dawn finish the table.

"Well, that was.....interesting," William said as he finished his 4th glass of soda.

Dawn frowned at him. "No it wasn't. It sucked."

"Dawnie, that's not nice. It was....interesting," Willow offered with a smile.

"Okay, okay, I got it. Buffy's not the best cook." Buffy pouted.

"No, no, really, luv. It was good. It was.....good." William nodded as he reached for his glass, frowning when he realized it was empty.

Dawn sighed. "Can I have some more soda? I gotta get this taste out of my mouth."

"Sure. Anyone want some more?" Buffy offered.

"Yes, please!" All gathered at the table said eagerly.

Realization hit Buffy. "Hey! That's why you all drank so much soda?"

She got a chorus of "no's" in response.

"I just love soda, is all," William assured her.

"Yeah, sure. As much as you loved the mystery meat?" Dawn teased as she went to the kitchen to get more soda.

"Hey, now, be nice to your sis. She did her best, and that's all that matters," William called after Dawn. He looked at Buffy. "You want me to eat her? She's barely a nibblet, but she's make a decent dessert."

"I heard that!" Dawn yelled as she came back with soda. "Just for that, you don't get anymore soda!"

"Come on, Dawn. Take pity on the poor guy. He had to eat the same food we did, and he has a stronger sense of smell, so it was probably worse for him," Buffy smiled half-heartedly.

Dawn passed William the two-liter of soda. "You really have a better sense of smell?"

William nodded as he poured himself more drink. "Yeah. All vampires do. Didn't your sis teach you anything?"

Dawn shrugged. "She doesn't like to get me involved in the vampy side of life. Says I'm too young."

William nodded as he handed the soda to Tara. "She's probably right. Young gal like you doesn't need to be worrying about the darker bits in the world. You should be, uh....braiding hair and watching Tellytubbies and whatnot."

Dawn looked at William like he'd grown a horn. "Um, lame much? I'm not 6, for Pete's sake."

William looked a bit chagrinned. "Right. Sorry. Not all that up on what kids are into these days."

Dawn shrugged. "So what kinds of things can you smell with your super-smelling power? Could you smell how bad this dinner would be before you even got in the house?"

"Dawnie!" Buffy threw her napkin at her little sister.

William just hung his head and tried not to laugh as the two sisters bickered. He gave Buffy a long look as she and her sister traded barbs. 'She is beautiful. Can't cook worth a damn, but she does glow.'

Tara squeezed Willow's hand and nodded towards William who was unabashedly gazing at Buffy. Willow smiled at her lover and gave her a wink.

Dawn rolled her eyes as she ignored the last taunt Buffy threw at her. "So anyway, it looks like it's up to me to be the mature one again," she teasingly glared at Buffy. "So, your smelling power. What's it like?"

William frowned. "Um, well....hard to explain really. Stuff you can smell, I can smell really strongly. And stuff you can't smell, stuff that's just a trace of a scent, I can smell like you smell things normally. It comes in handy, sometimes." William shot Buffy a smirk, and enjoyed how she blushed. "Like, for instance....." William closed his eyes and took a deep breath. "Dawn, you use a peach soap, but a peaches 'n cream shampoo. And you're wearing perfume that smells like raspberry. Interesting combo."

Dawn gaped at Will. "Oh my god, that's so cool! Now do Buffy!"

Buffy stood very quickly, grabbing her plate. "No, that's okay. I probably just smell like dinner anyway, with being in the kitchen all evening. And Dawn....didn't I tell you not to use my raspberry perfume?"

Dawn shot William a look. "Thanks a lot!"

Will shrugged. "Now you'll know better than to ask what a vampire smells!" He stood to help Buffy clear the table.

"We got it, William. Sit down and, uh, let the food digest," Willow said as she took William's plate.

"Or let the food eat a hole through your intestinal linings....whatever," Xander whispered.

Tara grabbed her plate, and motioned for Dawn to hand over hers. When Dawn complied, Tara said, "Anya, would you help us take these plates in?"

Anya frowned. "Why would I do that? I'm the guest. I was invited for dinner, not for cleaning."

Tara smiled warmly, if somewhat exasperatedly. "Just need an extra hand. No cleaning, promise."

Anya sighed and shrugged. She picked up her plate and Xander's and followed Tara into the kitchen, leaving Xander, Dawn, and William to sit in rather uncomfortable silence.

"Oh my god! Hottie! You didn't tell us he was SO hot!" Willow said in an excited, hushed tone when the other girls entered the kitchen.

Buffy gawked at Willow and shook her head firmly. She held a finger up to her lips and mouthed the words 'vampire hearing' as she pointed to her ear.

Willow nodded in understanding and pointed to the backdoor. Buffy nodded.

Once the girls were all congregated on the back porch, Anya started. "Oh wow, he really is cute! A little too Billy Idol, but that can be fixed I guess."

Tara nodded. "He is quite easy on the eyes. Not that I'm into guys or anything, but if I was....." Willow nodded in agreement.

Buffy held up her hand. "Before you guys get too far into the 'Yay William' column....he's not interested."

Willow frowned. "What do you mean, 'not interested'?"

Buffy sighed. "I mean....we talked and it's not going to happen. He's not in a place right now where he wants a girlfriend."

Tara smiled. "Well, that may be what he's saying, but he's thinking something else entirely."

"What do you mean?" Buffy asked.

Willow took over. "Buff....the way he looks at you. He's totally ga-ga over you."

Buffy shook her head. "No. I mean...yeah, we had a connection, and he's not completely UNinterested, but it's just not going to happen. He's kind of, well, sworn off women. It's a whole self-punishment thing he's got going. Don't ask."

"Well, I've found that if men don't do what you want them to do, just be persistent and eventually they'll cave," Anya smiled.

Buffy shrugged. "I don't know. I don't want to push him too hard. But I do kind of like him. A lot." Buffy grinned. "And...and we kissed last night." She waited for the slight gasps from the other girls and continued. "It was the most amazing kiss....I can't even describe it. He's just so.....aaaahhh! I can't! He won't. We shouldn't. I just need to get him out of my head. Which isn't easy to do since we see each other practically every night." Buffy sighed.

"So, you've let him know that you're interested?" Tara asked.

Buffy nodded. "To no avail, I'm afraid."

"Well, at least he knows. The ball's kind of in his court. Maybe if you just....ignore the whole 'should we/shouldn't we' situation, things will just happen. Guys seem to get really interested when women aren't. Not sure why that is."

Willow's eyebrows shot up. "Just how do you know what guys do?"

Tara ducked her head. "I watch the soap opera channel when I can't sleep, sometimes."

Buffy chuckled. "Are you, Tara, queen of nice, telling me to play hard to get?"

Tara shook her head. "No! No, just.....well, like I said, he knows he can be with you if he wants. But maybe if he sees that you're not super focused on him and the being together, and that maybe you're accepting his decision not to pursue something.....I don't know...."

Anya sighed. "She's saying, find a new guy to make William jealous. He'll see what he's missing and come begging for you on his knees."

"I am not saying that. You should never play games with someone's feelings. And you shouldn't use some other poor guy that might really fall for you. Just don't act so interested, is all. It'll confuse him, and maybe intrigue him enough to really think about his feelings and if he'd rather be with your or keep punishing himself."

"Well, might be worth a shot. Maybe I can take more days off from patrolling. Not be on patrol for so long. I just hate that I have to pretend I'm not so into him, just to get him into me. Doesn't seem right," Buffy said.

Willow put her arm around Buffy. "Well, you never know, maybe you won't be pretending before too long. Maybe some other swell fella will sweep you off your feet!"

Buffy sighed as she headed back into the house, her friends in tow.