I M P O R T A N T N O T E: Dear Readers, as many of you know, I was very displeased with the way I depicted Nev in the last two chapters. Consequently, I have gone back and changed her character considerably. If you are reading this note after December 22nd, please go back and read Chapter 18: BEST FORGOTTEN again. This is the second time I have revised Nev, and she is now a much more sympathetic, vulnerable character. In all honesty, I wanted to get rid of her, but because you overwhelmingly wanted her to stay, I decided to keep her and change her so that she was acceptable to me. I don't want her to detract from the main theme of my story, which is the choice Ellie has to make between her heritage and loving Legolas. With this new Nev I think I can still keep my focus on Ellie's choice, while at the same time adding an interesting--and realistic--twist to the story. Because of Nev, Ellie will learn that love, to use a quote from my beta, "isn't always roses and poems." She will realize that an Elf as apparently perfect as Legolas can still make mistakes. And, because of his transgression, to quote my beta again, Ellie will learn "how to trust, forgive, take risks and be secure in his love for her." It will also make her decision of whether to give up her vows or not a harder one to make. I hope that you will be pleased with the changes I made. I thank you for your patience and apologize for my mess-up!!! I do thank you for your WONDERFUL feedback. Please keep reading and reviewing.
To Avian Lee: what happened to your katana? You didn't raise it in your last review! ;-)
To macgyver70: actually, you are not the first to suggest that Nev fall for Boromir! Hah! Wouldn't that be funny, indeed? (Or maybe not, since the poor man is going to die.)
To Andrea: thank you so much for your review. I honestly agreed with everything you said, but most of my readers seemed to want Nev to stay, so I kept her in WITH modifications.
And, last but not least, a HUGE THANK YOU to my beta Kris. This has been a rough two weeks for my writing, and you have stood by me every step of the way! I am truly blessed to have you for a beta.
TO EVERYONE: I WISH YOU ALL A JOYOUS, AND SAFE, HOLIDAY SEASON!
CHAPTER TWENTY: OWNING UP
"Walk with me, Ellie."
Legolas' voice was soft and cajoling and--Ellie thought--impossible to resist. She was still sitting in the same spot where she had eaten breakfast, and she had watched him approach from across the talan, moving purposefully toward her with a long, fluid stride. His beauty, his perfection, never ceased to stir her senses, especially now when the early morning sun that streamed through the leaves bleached his hair and his skin a resplendent white and lightened his eyes to the clear cerulean blue of a summer sky. She found it difficult to read his expression amid so much brightness. He was the perfect counterpart to her aunt, both of them tall and slender, so fair and ethereal, and heartbreakingly beautiful. Two flawless diamonds, she mused, that is what they are, while I am a…mere pebble. In all her life she had never felt inferior to anyone; in truth, she had long been admired and revered for her healing skills, and had her nature been less unassuming, she most certainly would have felt superior to most. But that was before she met Legolas…and the Elves of Lothlorien. Ellie dropped her eyes from his face and sighed.
"Please," he added quietly.
She stared at Legolas' outstretched hand for a moment before taking it and rising to her feet.
"Yes, it is time we have that talk you wanted," she replied somberly, without meeting his gaze again. There was no anger in her voice--only dejection--although a vestige of anger certainly lingered in her breast and was apt to flare up again. First, she wanted to hear what he had to say.
Legolas was relieved--and grateful--that Ellie would give him the opportunity to explain, but he was hardly surprised. For all her naivete and lack of sophistication, she had time and time again shown herself to be one of the most fair-minded and temperate individuals he had ever met. The gods willing, he and Ellie would be able to settle their differences, and avoid a fight, before they headed to Caras Galadhon.
"Thank you," he told her and lowered his hand to the small of her back to guide her out. Ellie did not pull away and he considered it another small victory.
Only the Fellowship now remained in the talan. They busied themselves with packing and cleaning up and appeared uninterested in Ellie and Legolas. But, in fact, the companions were very much aware that all was not well between the girl and the Elf, and that Nevladiel was somehow to blame. When the couple walked past him, Jamie made as if to follow, but Boromir held the boy back.
"Let them be, lad. Ellie and Legolas have some important matters to discuss," the man whispered.
As they started to climb down, Legolas paused and turned for a moment. Even now, he did not forget his obligations to the Fellowship. "Aragorn, we will not wander far. Should Haldir arrive, tell him he can find us near the path that leads to the bathing pool."
The Elf and the girl did not say a word all the way down the stairs that wound around the smooth trunk of the mallorn. Nor did they speak as they left the hunting talan behind them. They were gathering their thoughts, each one hurting and hesitant, afraid to break the peace--uneasy though it was--that now existed between them. The woods themselves seemed reluctant to disturb their silent reveries, for nary a sound could be heard, not even the soft rustle of leaves or the merry chirp of a bird, as Ellie and Legolas walked by with phantom footsteps. Finally, when they reached the same tree where Legolas had confronted Boromir just yesterday, the Elf stopped and motioned for Ellie to do the same. They faced each other, but she kept her eyes downcast. A mere pace separated their bodies, yet their hearts were, for the moment, leagues apart. Legolas was determined to unite them again.
"Ellie, I love you," he said, placing his hands on her shoulders. "You are the only person I have ever spoken those words to--the only person I will ever speak those words to. Do you believe me?"
Ellie raised her head and looked into his eyes, saw the sincerity and earnestness in their blue depths, and knew he spoke the truth. She did not doubt his love; that was not the issue. Indeed, although he had only admitted it for the first time yesterday, her heart had sensed his love long before then. She knew he had fought against his feelings, just as she had fought against hers, but in the end, those feelings had proven too strong. But was love enough? And more importantly, would it last?
"Do you believe me?" he repeated when she did not answer.
"Yes, I know that you love me--for now." Ellie said it in a flat, dejected voice, and stared off into the trees. Here too the morning sun had broken through the lush canopy and dappled the silver trunks and the leaf-strewn ground. Light and shadow intertwined, giving the forest a dreamlike quality. So lovely…so timeless…And Ellie felt a part of that dream, as she watched herself drift farther and farther away...
"Not just for now. For always." Legolas countered.
He was troubled by her strange disconnect, her remoteness. She fears I may be fickle, he thought, and I suppose I cannot blame her for that. He needed to convince her otherwise, to break down the protective barriers she was erecting right before his eyes. Legolas squeezed Ellie's shoulders to emphasize his next words, and she met his earnest gaze once again.
"Some Elves--many, in fact--are born to love only once in their immortal lifetimes. I am one of those, Ellie, and you are the one I love. You are the one my heart has chosen. There will never be another." If she did not believe that, then all would be lost. Legolas knew she would not give up her faith for anything less.
Please believe me, Legolas silently pleaded, as he pressed his forehead to hers and closed his eyes for a moment. He heard her sigh, felt the trembling of her small body beneath his hands. But she said nothing. So he straightened and looked down at her again. Ellie's eyes were no longer distant, but huge and naked. Vulnerable. Filled with longing. And also hurt and doubt.
"There have been others before me," she murmured. My aunt among them, she suspected, but did not say so yet.
The Elf took a deep breath. "Yes, that is so. In my three thousand years of life, I have had my share of lovers--I never lied to you about that. But, Ellie, you must understand. Forever is a long time to live without love. And when love itself cannot be found, then a person will seek--at the least--physical gratification. But I…"
"With how many?" she interrupted. She had never asked that before, and it disconcerted him.
More than I am willing to tell you, he thought wearily. So he replied with a question of his own. "Before meeting me, how many immortal beings did you know?
Ellie shook her head. She had known no one else.
Legolas smiled tenderly and cupped her face. "Meldanya, you are so young still. Your body is only just awakening. But you have already felt desire; you have experienced physical pleasure--only a little, to be sure, for you are yet a maiden, but pleasure nonetheless. Having known it, can you now imagine what it would be like to live for all eternity without a lover's touch? My touch. Without feeling what you have already felt within my arms?"
Ellie shook her head again. The truth was she could not imagine it. She did not want to imagine it. In fact, before meeting Nev, she had been on the verge of giving up everything, so that she would not have to give him up…
"Elves are passionate beings, Ellie. You are half-Elven, and you know this to be true. So, while I had lovers before you to appease my physical desires, and take away my loneliness if only for a brief moment," he continued, "please believe me when I tell you that I did not love a single one of them. Fondness? Friendship? Yes, I may have felt that much, but never more than that. Never love, and never need. Until I met you." He hugged her waist then, drawing her body close, but Ellie kept her arms at her sides. He frowned slightly but decided to let it go. Then he brushed her lips with his mouth. "And now that I have tasted you, however incompletely, no one else will satisfy me. Not physically, not emotionally. Ever again. Do you understand, Ellie?"
"What about Nev?" she softly asked, and felt him immediately stiffen.
What about Nev, indeed. Legolas knew he needed to tell Ellie everything. About his summer romance with her aunt. His encounter with Nev the night before. The kiss. That had been his intention from the start when he led Ellie from the talan. To purge his soul and rid himself of this guilt. But once he stood before her and looked down at her innocent face, the words had not come. He could not bring himself to hurt her, and complicate an already complicated situation. So he had hedged and stalled. But now he realized with a sinking heart that he could no longer do so. Ellie wanted to know the truth about Nev, and he had to find a way to break it to her gently.
"I think you have already guessed that there was something between us once," Legolas said slowly, tightening his hold on her waist, as if he was afraid she was going to bolt. "It was long ago, Ellie. And I never loved her, but you know that already." His blue eyes bore into hers, willing her to accept.
But Ellie was not so willing. She had expected it, of course, had steeled herself against it. Yet she still could not prevent hot anger from flaring up. Or the stab of pain that left her feeling breathless. Her quiet, detached mood completely evaporated in an instant. She had been calm and reasonable so far, but suddenly, she did not want to be reasonable anymore.
"Nevladiel was your lover," Ellie said baldly, clutching his shirt with fisted hands, as her mind recalled the image of the beautiful Elf she had just met. The girl sounded bitter and caustic, totally unlike herself. "My aunt was your lover!" she repeated more loudly. She sounded…jealous, even to her own ears.
She has no reason to be! Legolas thought, bristling. Has she not heard anything I have said? "For the Valar's sake, Ellie, it was one thousand years ago. You were not even born."
"But she is my aunt!" Ellie shouted, pushing him hard.
"I did not know she was going to be your aunt!" he shouted back, digging his fingers into her waist and refusing to let go. "If I had, I would never have laid a finger on her, and we would not be having this argument!" The Elf was completely dumbfounded by her sudden change in mood.
Ellie blinked, surprised by his words. He is right, of course, she realized, and took a deep, calming breath. Let him speak. Hear him out, her mind reasoned, in a last attempt to be fair, while her heart continued to silently scream its outrage.
Encouraged that she might choose to be reasonable again, Legolas lowered his voice and explained further. "We were only together for one summer, when she accompanied her brothers to Mirkwood. It was a casual affair, Ellie. We exchanged no promises, made no commitments. Nevladiel was…" and then he paused, debating how to put it delicately, "Nevladiel was no innocent maiden," he said simply. "After she and her brothers left, I never saw her again. Until last night."
The instant the words were out of his mouth, he regretted them. Until last night…Gods! Why did I have to remind her of that? he groaned inwardly, as he felt the tension return to her body.
"What about last night, Legolas?" Ellie asked. She was trying very hard not to shout again, but she had not imagined the guilt in his eyes earlier. "Did something happen? I want to know. I deserve to know," she insisted, her voice hard. Ellie was attuned to his moods, just he was attuned to hers, and she knew that he was suddenly feeling decidedly uncomfortable. In fact, she was certain he was struggling not to squirm. She stared at him without pity, her soft lips pressed into a thin line of disapproval.
Legolas dropped his hands from her waist. At the moment, he felt no older--and no bigger--than Jamie was. "I did not seek her out, Ellie," he began. "She found me in the meadow…"
"What were you doing in the meadow?" she snapped. "You were in the talan with me. Why did you leave?"
"Because you fell asleep! I am not made of stone, Ellie, although I am sure there are many who think so. Do you honestly think I could have stayed beside you after what I did to you? After you melted in my arms?" He took note of her ensuing blush with grim satisfaction. "I was aroused. I wanted you to touch me, but you fell asleep," he told her bluntly, and saw her wince and bite her lip. He immediately felt contrite. He felt like a cad. She was, after all, blameless in this. So he gentled his voice and said, "It would have been nothing short of torture to have remained by your side last night, Ellie. So I went to the meadow to watch the stars and calm my body. And all I could think of was you. How much I wanted you to be there with me." Legolas took hold of her shoulders again. "Instead, Nev found me."
"And?" she prompted, bracing herself for the worst.
"And she made it clear that she wanted to pick up where we left off one thousand years ago."
Legolas studied her face intently, waiting for a reaction that did not come, then turned his head away.
She stared at his chiseled profile, fighting the urge to trace it with her fingertips. Fighting the urge to hit him for making her feel so much. He had told her he was not made of stone, and she well knew it, but right now he looked it. He was proud and noble, and faced with an impossible situation. And Ellie realized, He doesn't want to hurt me, but he knows he will. A painful knot settled in her chest as she asked him, "How did Nevladiel make it clear?"
Her voice was quiet, but her heart was hammering out of control. She was terribly afraid that he would admit to laying with her.
"She kissed me."
That was almost bad enough. "Did you return her kiss?" Ellie's head began to pound, keeping rhythm with her heart. She could feel the anger bubble up again. Please, don't say that you did!
For a moment--a very brief moment--Legolas considered lying, but chose not to. Lies had a way of unraveling when you least expected. And Ellie deserved the truth. "Yes," he said, then quickly went on, "but nothing else happened because of you. Because I love you and would never knowingly…"
A resounding slap silenced him. Before she could think clearly and before he could react, Ellie had pulled free of his grasp and had struck him hard across the face--for the second time in two days. The girl and the Elf stared at each other in shock, Ellie covering her gaping mouth with a shaky hand and Legolas rubbing his stinging cheek with a look of utter disbelief.
She was horrified that she had struck him, but the feeling was quickly overshadowed by hot anger. Ellie was outraged at Legolas' betrayal. And she felt ashamed of herself for choosing to give her heart to one so fickle, so false. Nev may have initiated the kiss, but he had found his former lover enticing enough to respond. It was heartbreaking…and humiliating. And Ellie wanted to flee. She started to turn away, but Legolas grabbed her shoulders with lightning speed and pulled her roughly toward him.
He was furious, so furious in fact that blood rushed to his face, and flushed his fair skin a deep crimson color. His eyes were harsh, his voice harsher still when he told her, "Few have ever dared to strike me once, and none have succeeded in striking me twice. I am trying to reason with you, Ellie. I am trying to be patient. But you are not listening."
Legolas was scolding her like he would a child! It mortified her, and angered her even more. The desire to get away from him became too overwhelming. She wanted, and needed, to be alone, and sort things out. Ellie pushed against him, and when that didn't work, she pummeled his chest, and later started to kick him in desperation. But he was too strong and too determined to hang on to her.
"Let me go!" she shouted in between kicks.
"I am not letting you go," he warned through gritted teeth, "so stop it before you hurt yourself." Then he grunted, as one well-placed kick connected with his shin. He had forgotten what a little hellcat she could be when angry. Then she tried to knee his groin, only just missing his most vulnerable area. Muttering a curse in Elvish, Legolas shoved her hard against his body, and all but smothered her in his embrace. Why in Middle-Earth did I ever think she was temperate and fair? he wondered, trying to control his own temper and failing miserably.
In his mind, Legolas relived the day he met her, when they fought so ferociously in the forest. If I had known then where all this would lead me, I would have let her escape! he thought viciously, as she continued to struggle in vain within his arms, her breath coming in shallow gasps. After a while, Legolas could feel her strength begin to flag. Yet she did not give up. She wriggled and writhed and huffed against his taut frame, her heart beating as wildly as a captive bird's. Ellie might seem meek and delicate, but when challenged, she was spirited and brave. And headstrong.
"Let go of me!" she demanded once more, her voice little more than a muffled moan for he was squashing her face against his chest. "Let go of me!" she repeated.
In truth, he sensed rather than heard her words, for he could feel her voice move within his body, and reverberate across the chambers of his heart, so close was her mouth pressed to it. For an instant, it almost seemed that Ellie herself was inside of him, stirring his spirit with her life force, beguiling his senses, seducing him.
"Let go of me!"
Instead, he pushed her closer--if that was possible, for she was already flush against him from head to toe. Although she did not whimper in pain, he knew he was hurting her, possibly even bruising her. And yet he could not get her close enough. Legolas wanted to crawl inside of Ellie, inside her very skin, and breathe her every breath.
Who am I trying to fool? he chided himself. Had I known then what I know now, I still would not have let her go.
"I cannot," he replied, to her as much as to himself. "May the Valar help me, I cannot." And he rubbed his cheek against the top of her head, and pressed desperate kisses to her temple.
In a moment of startling clarity, Legolas realized he was no different from Nevladiel. I am as mad as she is, he thought, and felt a pang of sympathy for his former lover, a pang that he quickly and ruthlessly quashed.
"Ellie, please listen to me. I love you. I love you. I would do anything, everything for you. I would die for you…" he pleaded with her, and nearly laughed in derision to hear himself say so. Legolas, Prince of Mirkwood, pleading like a lovesick swain before a mere slip of girl! Surely, he must be mad! Surely, love itself was madness.
Finally, something of Legolas' anguish, of his bewilderment at the intensity of his feelings, got through to her. Maybe she just grew too tired and decided to listen. Or perhaps she simply recognized how vulnerable he truly was, for in accepting his love for her, Legolas had set himself up for an eternity of heartache--should she choose to remain true to her Ilissan heritage.
Whatever the reasons, Ellie suddenly went very still, and very quiet in his arms.
Legolas sighed, closing his eyes in relief. Then he eased his deathly grip on her, and stepped back so that he could look into her own beautiful eyes. They were bright with unshed tears, bittersweet, compassionate…loving. Yes, loving. He could see that clearly; she had not taken back her love, and would not hide it from him. But he could see anger and reproach as well. And Legolas realized that she would not forgive him so easily.
"All right," she said, staring back at him with a very solemn face and those incredible eyes.
"All right?" he repeated, dumbfounded. All right?
Ellie exhaled loudly and let her slender shoulders slump. "All right, I believe you," she clarified. "I believe everything you say. But…" she paused, chewing on her lip, "I do not think that I can forgive you that kiss." And she lowered her head. She would never be able to forgive him for that.
"I do not expect you to," he replied, cupping her chin and raising it, so that she would look at him again. "How can I, when I cannot…forgive…myself?"
His voice broke as he spoke. He sounded so forlorn that Ellie could not keep her tears from spilling over. As they trailed slowly down her cheeks, Legolas wiped them with his fingertips and continued to speak. "All I ask, Ellie, is that you move beyond what happened. That we move beyond what happened. I am not perfect…although sometimes I get the impression that you think I am," he said with a soft chuckle, and was inordinately pleased when she gave him a small smile.
Then he quickly grew serious again. "I have failings, weaknesses, like everyone else. It was one kiss, and I promise you that it will never happen again. I would never willingly do anything to betray you or your trust. Or to jeopardize our love. Please give me the chance to prove it to you. Give us a chance."
Ellie remained quiet as she mulled over his words. Although he did not specifically say so, she knew that he was asking her for far more than her trust, for far more than a simple acceptance of his mistake. Legolas had bared his heart and soul to her, and was asking her to make her choice. A choice which she had all but made last night. But which now…
"I do not know if I can do that," she whispered, squeezing her eyes shut so that she would not have to see the naked pain, the helplessness in his. Please spare me having to see you that way, she silently pleaded, and he seemed to hear her, for when she opened them again, he had already donned his habitual mask.
Ellie let out a ragged breath, one of relief mingled with sadness, and told him, "My life has become too complicated of late. My mind has so much to absorb…and accept. About my parents, about my faith. About us. And now, Nev. Legolas, I want to get to know Nev. She is my aunt." Ellie grabbed his hand, and her eyes begged him for patience and understanding.
But instead, his jaw tightened and its tell-tale muscle began to twitch.
"You may not like what you find, Ellie," he warned her, taking back his hand. And then he shook his head incredulously. "You would choose her over me."
Ellie frowned. "No, that is not my intention. I have yet to make any choice, but I need time. I need time alone to think, and to sort my feelings out. I…I am sorry." And with that, she turned and started to walk back to the talan.
Legolas did not follow, but she barely took a handful of steps before his voice stopped her. "Ellie, please believe me, I never thought that Nevladiel would be an issue between us. And she need not be. She need not be."
Ellie looked over her shoulder and met his muted gaze.
"Promise me, Ellie. When you make your decision…when you decide whether to stay with me or not, do not let your choice be colored by Nevladiel."
But that was not a promise she would make. Or could make. Ellie shook her head regretfully and turned from him again.
Legolas watched her walk away, taking with her his love. His hope.
His very soul…
