Disclaimer: I do not own Digimon or any of its characters. All I own is my own original character Lain Auska X.
Digimon
X: Past and Present Feelings
Saga: The Child of Darkness
"But Mr. Ishida! I have to go to school!" Lain shouted out for the fifth time that morning. She was now just about ready to beg him. "I can't miss a day of school! What if I get behind!? And I'm feeling a lot better! Please! Just let me go to school!"
"I've never heard a kid try and talk someone into letting them go to school. Most kids try and talk their way out of going…" Mr. Ishida said looking at her. "And call me Malcolm! Not this Mr. Ishida crap!"
"I want to go to school Malcolm!" Lain shouted out now getting a little angry. She hadn't woken up this early and got into her school uniform for nothing. "If I don't feel good I'll come straight home! And besides! Nothing bad can happen! Matt is in ever single one of my classes! You've got nothing to worry about!"
"You've… Always been a weird kid," Malcolm said raising an eyebrow at her. "Fine. You can go… but," he turned to his son. "If you notice anything bad going on with her I want you to walk her home." He turned back to Lain. "No arguing against him right?"
"Right," Lain said smiling at him. "Thank you Malcolm!" She hugged her around the middle and then ran out the front door.
"She is a weird kid," Malcolm said as a smile spread across her face. "Well see you son, around eight again. We've just got this new huge report on rampaging buffalo's in Western Europe or something… Didn't even know they had buffalo's there…"
Matt just looked at his dad confused and then muttered a good bye and stepped out the door and shut it.
"Finally! What took you so long!?" Lain shouted out making him jump at the sudden surprise of her leaping out at him from nowhere.
"God! Are you trying to give me a heart attack!?" Matt shouted out grabbing his chest as his eyes almost bulged out of his head. "Don't scare me like that!"
"Sorry," Lain muttered frowning at him a little hurt. "I didn't mean to. I was just happy to see you hurrying for once…"
"It's alright, don't worry about it," Matt said smiling at her as he noticed her hurt expression. "So how's about we leave now? Don't want to be late for school do we?"
"No not at all! Not after I spent the whole morning trying to convince your dad to let me go! That would be horrible if we ended up late!" Lain said laughing at what she had just said.
Really she didn't care about going to school. She just didn't want everyone to worry about her, think that she wasn't feeling good and then end up stopping by, checking if she was feeling all right and everything. Boy, what a pain that would be.
"Well let's go then!" Lain said smiling at Matt.
"Oh Lain!" Sora cried out spotting her. "Come here! I have something for you!"
"Huh?" Lain asked looking at her confused. Why would she have something for her? She then almost smacked herself in the head. She had said last night that she was going to give her the present she had bought her the next day, since she hadn't really got a chance to go out and buy her something, let alone find her something that she would actually like.
"Here," Sora said smiling at Lain as she pulled something out from behind her back. "I found this book and I wasn't really sure if you would like it or not… But I just had a feeling in my gut that this would be something you would like!"
"Whoa!" Lain cried out happily. "Thanks Sora!" She took the book out of her hands and smiled. It was entitled 'Paranormal: The Wired.' "But well before I read it and all… Do you happen to have any idea as to what it is about?" She smiled at her nervously.
"Yeah," Sora said smiling. "I actually picked it up for you because the characters name is also Lain. I've already read it and found that you two sort of have the same qualities, both mysterious and quite. But she's a little different. She's into the heavy belief that there is actually something out there, like ghosts, spirits… that stuff. Can't tell you much more or else I'd ruin the book for you… But yeah! I hope you enjoy it!"
"Thanks again Sora," Lain said smiling at her softly. "I'll start it today and tell you what I think when I finish it."
"We'll I'll guess I'll see you at lunch then," Sora said waving a good bye at Lain. "See you then."
"Bye," Lain said turning around and walked back over to where Matt was waiting for her.
"What'd she give you?" Matt asked.
"A book…"
"Are you going to read it?"
"Yeah of course. I like reading."
"Do you really?"
"Yeah… I've always liked reading. Because there I can actually slip away into the book, away from reality."
Matt just starred at her questionably. What was she trying to tell him? That she hated living in this world? That she would rather be in some parallel fantasy world?
Lain sighed as she rested her head on her hand, which was held up by her elbow that was rested on her desk.
Blah, blah, blah… All this stupid teacher ever does is talk. When is he actually going to talk about something interesting? History isn't all about legends and occurrences as to what is going on now… Why can't he just talk about samurai for once!? I want some action! I want to hear about brutal bloody battles and civil wars!
"Lain? Lain? Lain!?" Matt hissed at her as he starred at her a little worried. She was starting to zone out. "What are you doing!?"
"Thinking…" Lain muttered at him yawning. "Can't wait until this class gets over with…"
"Miss X if you would rather talk during my class would you please stand out in the hallway?" the teacher asked glaring at her above his book. "Now?"
"Yes sir," Lain muttered at him and walked out of the classroom. She could feel everyone's eyes on her as she exited the door and then finally shut it with a huge sigh of relief. "That guy is a real pain…"
She sighed again and then leaned back against the wall behind her. Crossing her arms in front of her she closed her eyes and begun to calm her whole body down from what had just happened to her.
Today… Today, was just so… annoying?
"Yuki! Yuki! Oh my god!" the sixteen year old version of Lain screamed out at her brother horrified. "I'm sorry Yuki! I didn't mean to! YUKI!? Wake up! Please wake up! You have to wake up! Please!"
"He's not going to wake up," a cold voice said, echoing through out the room the two of there were in.
Yuki was on the ground. Presumably dead, covered in his own blood, and lying in it also. Lain as at his side, still screaming out his name, in a state of shock at what had just happened.
"SHUT-UP!" Lain screamed out at the voice. "Yuki's fine! Aren't you Yuki! God dammit Yuki! Talk to me! Wake-up!"
"He's dead," the voice said. "You've killed your own dear brother. You wanted him dead; I don't really understand why you care about him so much now? After all, wasn't this your hearts greatest desire?"
"NO!" Lain screamed out at him. "That's not it at all…"
"Then what was it if this is not it now?"
"I…"
"Yes?"
"I want to back into time and fix this. I want to change everything. I want to change every bad thing that happened to me…"
"Can't now can you? You're just another pathetic human wasting your time on the emotions of others… But then again Lain… You're not as pathetic as you seem to be, you've got a hidden power Lain. Something I need you for. I want you to open up the Portal of Darkness. To the depths of Purgatory. The desolate land between Haven and Hell, in the parallel universe of the plant Earth. Open it for me…"
"I… I don't know what you're talking about!" Lain shouted out now getting up from where she was crouching. "WHO ARE YOU!?"
"I? I am Fukushumon. Ruler of the Digital World from her on end. You've awakened me Lain, with all your thoughts of hate."
"Go away… I don't want to talk to idiots like you anymore…"
"Fine… But my first mission is to destroy your life Lain… You've awakened me, and now I must destroy. I'm going to keep on destroying until you finally open up that gate for me…"
"You're stupid. You're not going to do shit… And this gate your talking about? I can't open it… I don't even think you know what you're talking about… Just… Just go away already. I'm tired of talking to you."
"This isn't going to change anything Lain. You've got something before you that you can never change. You've killed him. You've killed your own flesh and blood, you've killed your own brother."
"No… No I didn't…"
Tears fell down her face, hitting the ground, smearing into the blood. Disappearing, leaving no trace that she was actually crying for the loss of her brother at all.
"No I didn't…"
Lain smashed her hand which was now in a fist into the wall behind her, only leaving the trace of a heavy thud in the air which disappeared a second latter.
"Why…" She said through gritted teeth. "Why is this all coming back to me now?!"
"So the little girl made of data is starting to remember her horrible past?" a voice said at her side.
"What!?" Lain said angrily turning to face the new voice. "Oh… It's just you Arkmon… What do you want?"
"Nothing much," he said shrugging his shoulders. "Just thought you needed some company that's all. You just looked so sad and everything. I didn't just want to leave you like this…"
"Wait…" Lain said looking at him sharply, realizing what he had just said before. "Data? What are you talking about?"
"Didn't you know?" Arkmon asked looking at her surprised. "Didn't you know that you're just data? Nothing more?"
"What the hell are you talking about?" Lain hissed at him. "Data!? I don't understand as to what you are trying to tell me!"
Arkmon just sighed and leaned back against the wall at her side. "Thought you would say something like that, which means you are completely in the dark as to what is going on with you, right?"
"What's going on with me?"
"You died Lain, and you're just not willing to accept it."
"What the!? What the-" She was cut off by the bell ringing to signal that class was over and lunch was now beginning.
"Chow for now data child. I'll be on contact another day," Arkmon said waving at her as he sunk through the floor in a pool of darkness.
"ARKMON!? Don't you dare leave me here! Tell me what the hell is going on!" Lain screamed out angrily.
"Lain?" Matt said approaching her. "What's got you so worked up about? Don't tell me you're pissed off because the teacher sent you outside? Sorry about that! I didn't mean to get you into trouble… Lain?"
"Huh?" Lain said losing her grip in her hands as she turned to face Matt. "Oh hi Matt." Had he not heard what she was screaming about before? "No it's alright. Of course you didn't mean to." She forced a smile on her face. "Lets go to lunch shall we?"
"Yeah…" Matt said holding out her backpack to her. "Here, I picked this up for you, so you wouldn't have to go all the way back in there to pick it up…"
"Thanks," Lain said pulling it onto her back as she headed off in the direction of the cafeteria.
"There's something wrong with her," TK said glancing across the table at Lain. "She's been like this all lunch! She's obviously got something on her mind that's bothering her."
"I know," Matt replied back at his brother. "But I can't do anything about it. You know she won't open up to me or let alone the rest of us. She's too stubborn to start now…"
"I know, but still one of us has to try," Kari said looking at Matt.
"And I'm the lucky candidate?" Matt asked looking at them and then sighed.
"Yep, course you are bud! You know her a lot better than the rest of us after all!" Tai said patting his friend on the back. "Besides! We don't want her to bite our heads off!"
"Thanks for the support," Matt said getting up from the table. He then walked over to Lain and put his hands on the table in front of her and put his face straight in front of her. "Talk now."
"Huh?" Lain said snapping out of what ever dream world she had been locked in.
"We're leaving now," Matt, said grabbing her arm lightly and then pulled her up from where she was sitting. "We need to talk."
"Right now?" Lain asked glancing back at the rest of the Digidestinds.
"Yes right now," Matt said putting his arm around her shoulders now so she wouldn't get away from him as they begun to walk out of the cafeteria and out on the quad.
They walked for a few minutes until Matt was sure that they wouldn't be over heard by anyone.
Standing under a now fall autumn tree he let her go and then opened his mouth to talk to her.
"You've obviously got something on your mind that's bothering you," Matt said looking her straight in the eye. "And everyone's noticed it Lain, so you can't back out of this one by saying there's nothing. Lain? What's going on? What's happened that I need to know about?"
"Nothing," Lain replied frowning at him. "There's nothing that is the matter with me. I'm fine! Totally fine!"
"No your not!" Matt said raising his voice at her; you could see anger in his face. "Dammit Lain! Stop it! Why won't you talk about how you feel! You're ready enough! It's been two months now that you've been living with me! We've gotten to know each other well enough by now! YOU know you can trust me! I haven't let you down!"
"I know," Lain muttered. "But there's nothing wrong with me… I'm just thinking that's all… Just because I'm thinking doesn't mean that there's something wrong with me…"
"LAIN!?" Matt shouted out almost losing his temper with her again. "WHAT THE HELL IS WRONG WITH YOU!? WHY WON'T YOU FUCKING TELL ME HOW YOU FEEL!? IS IT THAT HARD!? I CARE ABOUT YOU LAIN! I WANT TO KNOW WHAT THE HELL IS PISSING YOU OFF! I WANT TO KNOW WHAT'S ON YOUR MIND!"
Lain just gulped and starred at him horrified. He was going to lose his temper at her once again. Something bad was going to happen like last time. He was going to hurt her again without ever realizing he had done so. She had to stop this; she didn't want him to do something bad again. She didn't want him to lose his temper.
"I… Fine," Lain muttered at him as she now turned her attention to her feet. "Arkmon showed up again… And I've been remembering some memories. Memories that I don't want to remember, memories from a few years ago. I'm not the innocent kid that you all take me for. I'm a horrible person and I shouldn't be allowed you and everyone else's friendships. I've done nothing to deserve it…"
"What are you talking about?" Matt asked narrowing his eyes at her. "Don't you dare say that again Lain. There's nothing you haven't done to show that you deserve our friendship. You're a good friend Lain, no matter what you say. You've got nothing to back it up what you've just said. And what do you mean Arkmon showed up again? I though I told you I didn't want you to be around him anymore."
"I can't stop being around him!" Lain shouted out at Matt angrily. Why was he being such a jerk? "He just shows up and starts talking to me! I can't stop it! I can't do anything! He shows up when he wants to show up! Stop yelling at me!"
"I will when you start to talk to me Lain! I'm tired of you keeping everything to yourself, all your thoughts and feelings! Don't you think I want to know how you feel too!? Or do you think this is all just about you!?" Matt shouted out at her angrily. "Cause if that's what your think you're dead wrong! It's about me and everyone else too Lain! We all care about you and you're not going to push us out of your life that easily! Shit! Don't you realize it yet Lain!? We're you friends!"
"I…" Lain begun but trailed off. She stepped back a little but was grabbed around the arm sharply by Matt. She looked up at him with tears brimming her eyes. "I know you guys are… But the problem is I'm not sure I can allow you guys to call me a friend."
"And why is that?" Matt hissed at her angrily.
She turned her head away from him and looked at the ground. Tears now rolling down her face, ignoring his question. Leaving the two of them in silence.
"I'm waiting Lain. I want your answer," Matt said glaring at her.
"I… I bring death and despair where ever I go and to whom ever I meet," Lain muttered at him. Her voice was so quite, it sounded as though she were going to lose it at any moment. "I've caused to much pain and suffering where ever I have gone. I'm tired of it Matt. I want it to stop. I'm not too sure I can actually live with you anymore. I don't want something bad to happen again. I'm not going to risk it… So much death because of me… I have to go… I… Matt, I can't stay in your household any longer. I'm not going to put you and your family in more danger. I have to end this all now…"
Matt let go of Lain's arm and then starred at her in shock. "What the hell are you talking about?"
"I'm gunna leave tonight Matt… I've made up my mind; I have to go back to the Digital World… I have to put a stop to this all right now," Lain said looking up at him, still crying. "I have to stop Fukushumon… He's going to make something bad happen to you and everyone else… Like all the other times…"
"Other times?" Matt asked her as he let go of her arm. He now had a look of pure concern on his face. "Lain? I don't want you to go… Just… Just tell me what I can do to help you…"
"Let me go… Just forget about me, you and the others. Just pretend you never met me," Lain said to him. She looked up at his face. "It would have just been better if we had never met at all. Then we wouldn't have to go through this… I wouldn't have made you and everyone else so sad, and so concerned about me… Matt? I'm… I'm so sorry for everything. Everything's my fault. I couldn't protect you and the others from myself… I regret everything… I regret ever getting involved in your lives… I'm, I'm so sorry for everything Matt… I honestly am."
"Stop it," Matt said as his hands turned to fists at his sides. His temper was rising again, all the concern was gone. She was just putting herself back in hole one; she was just putting everything back on her shoulders. Blaming herself for everything! Why couldn't she blame someone else for a chance?! Not everything was her fault! "Stop it now… Everything is not your fault. I don't want to hear any more of that crap come from your mouth again Lain. There is nothing wrong with you, you are not leaving, and you do not regret having us as friends or ever becoming friends with us in the first place… You hear me Lain!?"
"Matt…" Lain chocked out. She stepped back once again, she expected him to grab her again, but he didn't do anything. He just left his arms at his sides, shacking. "You don't understand… You guys don't really know anything about me at all… And there's not really any reason for this to continue on like this… I'm just hurting you guys."
"Lain. She's a nice girl, always so sweet to everyone, always with a smile on her face, though she's hurting so badly inside. She thinks she not good enough for anyone, so she shuns herself from everyone, to scared to get any emotional contact with them," Matt said. His hands still shacking, but he seemed to have a small smile spreading across his face. "She's always so god damn nice to everyone, it kind of makes you feel sorry for her, since she did grow up without a mother and a father. But it doesn't seem to bother her much. She always has a fucking smile on her face, she always seems to be so happy, though we all know how horribly hurt she is on the inside. That's the Lain we all know. That's the real Lain… I don't know who you are, but who ever you are, let her go. Turn her back to the real Lain. The Lain that we all know and love…"
"I… I am the real Lain, what are you talking about Matt?" Lain looked at him a little scared. What was he talking about? Of course she was the real Lain, and he knew it… What was he playing at?
"If you were then why the hell are you talking like this? Why are you doing this to everyone!? Why are you doing this to me!? God dammit Lain! Stop this! NOW! Stop acting like everything is your fault! I've told you this before! JUST STOP!"
"Stop?" She looked at him with huge eyes. "If I just stopped blaming myself for my own actions… Would that make you and everyone else happy?"
"I don't know about everyone else… But it would make me a lot happier. I don't like seeing you like this… Lain. I want you to go back to the self you were a few weeks ago. The self that was so happy and carefree. I don't want you to suffer anymore Lain, but it seems that you don't want to let me inside to help you. I want to make anything bad that has happened to you in the past go away. I want to fix everything for you Lain; I want you to be happy again. I… I don't like seeing you so unhappy. It hurts so much Lain, I care about you so much, but you don't really seem to take the time to notice it. It hurts, it hurts a lot."
"Matt…" Tears were now running down her face faster. He cared so much about her, and she seemed to have overlooked it. Everything he had been trying to do for her, all of his anger, it was all because he cared about her so much and just wanted to help her. She was hurting him so bad. She was doing this to him. "Matt… I'm so sorry. I, I didn't mean to make you feel this way… I'm just not good at this feeling. I don't know how to grasp it. The other day… When you kissed me, I just don't know how to take it. Matt, I've never had anyone actually do something like this to me. I just don't know how to take it…"
"Then can't you at least let me help you Lain?"
"I… I don't know. It may seem a little confusing to you, but I feel as though I should do this on my own…"
"But you do everything on your own Lain… I just want to be by your side to help you; I want to make all of your pain go away Lain… I hate seeing you like this… So, why can't you just let me help you now Lain?"
"Because I'm scared… I'm scared that I might hurt you…"
"Hurt me?"
"I've done it so much to so many people… Haven't you ever wondered why it was that I don't have any relatives here in Japan? Why it was that I had to stay with you? Why I was stuck in the Digital World and no one seemed to have cared to look for me, or even ask to where I had gone?"
"Yeah, I've wondered about all of those things… But I didn't feel it was right to ask you just yet. But more of the fact that I knew you wouldn't have told me, you would have just blew me off and said ask another day, when you were ready to tell me…"
"My family… Everyone, they're all dead. I just as good as killed them off with my own bare hands. Fukushumon… He's not just hat ordinary Digimon that you all battled against. He's serious, he's willing to do what ever he can to just kill you guys, make my suffer… Make my whole word just one big living hell."
"I would have already guessed that, I mean after all he did seem like he wanted you… Dead or alive… Everyone could already tell that we were going to have to go through some trouble to keep you away from him. To keep you safe… But we still did it you know… For you of course. Lain, we're not just about to let you go to him, we're going to protect you no matter what, at any cost. That's what friends do…"
"But is it really worth all the effort?"
"Of course… If it weren't then we wouldn't have gone this far with you Lain. You're worth it, we all think that no matter what you say, or think. We're you friends, you've got to learn that…"
"Maybe… But I'd just rather have you guys be safe rather then myself. I mean after all you guys are the first people who have actually accepted me into your lives with no regret. You've all shown me kindness and it means a lot. I just don't want to lose any of you to anyone. My parents, brother, relatives… They all died because I refused to go with Fukushumon to the Digital World. Everything that happened to them was my fault. I didn't want to go with him, I was too scared. I watched every single one of them get slaughtered right before my eyes… It's not something I'm going to grow off of very quickly Matt… I'm never going to be able to forget those images… But if I can save you guys from something like this… Then I want to no matter what you say… I don't want to see any of you die…"
"But the thing is Lain… What you do not want to understand… Is the fact that we're not going to die? I'm really sorry to hear about how that all happened to your family members and everything, but we're not like them. We have partner's, our Digimon that will defend us when we need help, Lain. You've got nothing to worry about. We're the Digidestinds and we've fought against enough tough Digimon to realize what bad things could happen to us. So no worries okay… Please? You know, we just really want to help you… It's all we are really aiming for… We just want to help you Lain…"
"I… I know that… I know that Matt… But, I can't really accept your help… I'm not going to let you guys get hurt because of me… It just wouldn't be right or fair for you guys… You all have so much to live for. Family, friends, and I'm sure you're all going to make it far in your lives… It's just not going to be fair…"
"But it is… We know what were up against and what we have to do. It's our decision Lain. We want to help you, no matter what. Even if it costs us our lives. I'm… I'm willing to do anything for you Lain. As long as it will make you happy…"
Lain stopped dead in her thoughts of protest at what he had just said to her. She looked up at him a little shocked. Had he really said that he was willing to do anything for her, as long as it made her happy? Did he really care about her this much.
Tears rolled down the sides of her face, a small smile spread across it. She looked happy, happy at what Matt had just told her.
Everything bad that Matt had been thinking about the situation he was in was all gone as he saw the smile on her face. She was smiling, smiling at what he had just told her? About how much he cared about her? Was that all she really needed to hear to put her back into her old self? To put a smile on her face?
"Matt?" She could barely choke out this, her throat was tightened up, and she was almost scared to question what he had just said to her. "Do you… Are you… Can you really be willing to do anything for me, in order to gain my happiness?"
"Yeah, of course I am… Lain, I'd do anything for you…"
"I…" She stopped herself in mid sentence, her smile growing bigger every second. "Thank-you… Thank you so much Matt. You don't know how much this means to me." Her hands drew up to her face as she whipped away the tears that were flowing down it more freely. "I'll never forget this Matt… You really don't… Know how much this means to me… Hearing this… Right now… Thank-you. Thank-you so much."
Matt drew his arms around Lain's back and then pulled her closer to him. Her head was resting on his shoulder, she was still crying. Though they weren't sad tears, they were tears of joy. So he didn't question her to stop crying. He rested his own head on her shoulder and held her closer to him.
"No problem kid… Anytime. Just promise me this one thing. Don't cry anymore. It makes me so sad."
"I… I promise… I'm not going to cry anymore, Matt…"
Whoa! End of this o chapter!!! Good I hope… Though I wish I could have tied everything in a little more smoothly, as to her past. So sorry about that folks. More chapters coming soon, and much more past reviled!!
