Title: Time 2/?

Category: Angst

Summary: Faith chronicles in her journal the weeks that followed that fateful day at Mercy.

Spoilers: Nothing more than what's posted on Beyond that it's all made up.

A/N: Once again, my medical knowledge is limited by the internet and my imagination. Sometimes I may cross the line. Therefore, any mistakes are mine and mine alone.

May 19th

I don't know how many times I've fought with him. It seems Bosco and I don't need words to fight either. I can tell by the look in his eyes that he wants me to leave him alone. I can't do that. It goes beyond the fact that I made him a promise...the day he woke up...I promised him I'd be here for him. I know we've said a lot of stuff to each other the past year or so...a lot of it I wish I could take back but not my promise.

I told him that if he wants me to leave then he's going to have to make me. Actually I asked him very nicely if he'd like me to leave. His eyes told me yes. It was then that I told him two words – make me. It actually sounded like two kids arguing. Truth is I regretted the words as soon as I'd said them. It's just that he has this power over me. He can make me so mad sometimes that I want to slap him silly. But then I take one look into his eyes and I just want to hug him.

May 20th

I keep telling myself that this is normal for him...the 'I don't need anyone' attitude. Same stupid stubborn Boscorelli I've known for years. I've adopted his stance on the 'go away' issue. I'm not about to leave him just like he refused to leave me a year ago.

Ever since he learned the extent of his injuries he's been difficult. Having some of the bandages removed certainly didn't help. I knew he wanted to see for himself. I mean if it were me, I'd want to see too. On the other hand, I knew it wasn't a good idea. Had it been me lying in that bed, I knew Bosco would eventually abide by my wishes. So, I pulled a mirror from my purse allowing him to see the damage to his face for the first time. He took a quick look, startled for a moment, then turned away. I knew there was more to his reasoning for turning away...beyond the avoiding me issue. For only the second time since I'd known him, I saw the tears in his eyes.

Now he refuses to look anyone in the eye. Instead he turns his head so no one would see the horrific scars. If that doesn't work, he simply closes his eyes, ignoring whoever is in the room. Eventually he gets his way as people leave. Ty and Sully have been here and gone. Sasha was here. Lieu's been here too. I know they're frustrated, unsure what exactly to say or do. I can't do that...leave him. You see, I'm not most people. This time I'm going to be the stronger one. I have to be the strong one. I have to be strong enough for both of us.

May 25th

Tomorrow Bosco is supposed to begin his physical therapy. I don't hold out much hope that he's going to cooperate.

Later...

I was right. He refused to participate or even listen to the therapist. They took him down to physical therapy. His therapist went through the motions, explaining what he needed to do. To begin with, it would be some basics...sort of like warm-ups before you work out. It's a starting point especially since he's still somewhat limited in movement due to injuries that are still healing.

The therapist showed us a schedule that would adjust as he progressed. He was very motivating; explaining that Bosco would have good days and he'd have some bad days and sometimes there'd be lot of bad days before another good day. Sometimes he'd feel like everything was for nothing. When that happens, the best thing Bosco could do was to just give it his best shot. Anything is better than nothing. Nothing is a step backwards and Bosco needs to move forward if he was going to recover from this.

Bosco's idea of pushing forward was finding someone to push his wheelchair back to his room and to have everyone leave him alone. Like he's done with everyone else, he refused to even look at this therapist. He sat there, ignoring all of us. It's the one thing he is able to do. I hope someday soon he'll see things differently but I don't know. This is Bosco...he can be stubborn. When he sets his mind to something...I don't know...

June 1st

He showed no signs of progress. If anything he's digressing. The longer he refuses therapy, the harder it would be for him. As expected it was difficult on Rose. From out of nowhere, I explained that it was a good sign. At least he hadn't lost that stubborn side. Now all we had to do is redirect it to work in favor of a recovery rather than hinder it. Easier said than done.

As much as I don't blame them, a lot of people are having trouble deal visiting Bosco. I try to convince them that we have to be stronger than he is. His visits don't have to be long, just consistent enough that he knows we still care about him despite everything that's happened. I think it's the fear that he's going to be alone and I can't handle the idea of him being alone.

June 4th

It was while driving home from my shift tonight that I came up with a plan. I understand that Bosco is unable to do much for him self. The only way he is ever going to improve is through therapy. You see he's not able to do much for himself. Basically all he can do is turn his head away from us. He's become an expert at that. I figure at some point it's going to sink into that thick skull of his that neither Rose nor I are leaving so he'd better get used to us. Now since he can't do for him self, that also means he also can't fight us so for now, either Rose or I will put him through our own version of therapy. By the time he's able to fight back, just maybe he'll be showing signs of improving.

June 7th

One month...I can't believe it's already been a month. I remember the events as clear as if they just happened yesterday. I wasn't the only one remembering what day it was.

I arrived at work today and was walking down the hallway. I passed by Lieu's office just as I do most days. Today though I stopped seeing that his door was open. He was sitting at his desk reading the newspaper. It wasn't until I knocked lightly that I realized it wasn't today's paper he was reading. It was the paper from a month ago...the one that covered the shooting.

Lieu glanced up at me, then back at the paper. I remember his exact words. He keeps thinking that it's been a bad dream...that he expects to look up and see Bosco coming in the door, late for roll call again. None of this feels real.

I understand his feelings all to well. I live with them every day. The shift turned out to be a long one...just one of those days that nothing goes right. Afterwards I saw Lieu sitting in his office. He saw me walk past. He got up, walked around his desk to join me. Together we went over to Mercy to see Bosco. He was asleep when we got there so we didn't stay too long. Still, it was some comfort knowing that I wasn't the only one having a really bad day.

June 10th

Twice a day we work his body. Rose comes first thing in the morning and I come in before my shift. It's been a week now. It began with simple flexing to relieve the stiffness that had set in while he's been immobile. I've adopted an attitude of my own. If he chooses to look away, that's his choice. It bothers me but it's the least of my problems. I refuse to let him see me upset. Instead I try to remain positive.

I guess it should have been strange to have so much contact with his body. We'd barely touched one another despite how long we'd been partners and friends. Our version of therapy is limited to flexing of his arms, wrists, and elbows. From there we move to his legs. For now that's his right leg only but as the cast is removed from his left, we'll add that one too. We flex his knee, ankle and toes. Tomorrow we meet with his therapist to discuss adding light weights.

June 11th

He agrees that it's time to start adding some weights as long as we start with light weights. Now instead of Rose and I conducting out therapy in his room, we'll be going down to the PT room.

Once again Bosco is being difficult. Or should I say he's still being difficult. Unlike the flexing, our ability to help him is limited when it comes to the weights. It's a fine line between being able to work the weights ourselves without any cooperation from him and get any benefit.

June 13th

Bosco is so stubborn. He's also retained the ability to make us feel guilty. It was another of those days that I want to slap him upside the head. This is increasing difficult on Rose. She just wants her son back. So far, we've seen very little evidence that he still exists.

In many ways Bosco was a private person. He didn't allow anyone to see his fears. Now there's so much going on in that thick skull of his that I don't know what to believe. I've tried talking to him, tried to read his expressions as to what it is that's holding him back the most. It's not like him to back down from anything. His life so far has been a series of challenges. I'd like to think that given what life has thrown his way he's faced them all...until now. Now something's holding him back. He has the capacity to learn to walk again...it will take time and hard word but it can be done. The work it will take isn't the workouts he's used to but it's fairly obvious that he was proud of his muscular build.

In addition he has the capacity to learn to talk again. I'd never given it much thought until now. I know he graduated from high school and I know he left to serve in the military. Now that I think back, it occurs to me that he isn't the book type. I doubt he loved getting up and going to school everyday. Still, learning to speak again is different than school. If nothing else, Bosco had a vocabulary all his own. I'm fairly sure there's at least one nurse or doctor that he'd refer to as a jag-off if he were only able to speak.

That leaves one thing...one thing that changed that day...one thing that he can't relearn.

June 15th

Rose and I spoke with the doctors today. She questioned what options were available for his facial scars. More than anything, she agrees, that the scars are what's holding him back.

We learned that there are options but most are expensive and considered cosmetic meaning insurance probably won't cover it. Either way, Rose requested to meet with a specialist. We have an appointment next week.

June 21st

I never thought it was possible to love someone you just met but I know differently. The specialist Rose and I went to see gave us wonderful news. There are several treatments available for Bosco's case. Not only that, but the doctor had a complete file on Bosco meaning he knows what happened not only to Bosco but to Mikey. He was so wonderful with Rose, commending her for the strength and courage she's shown during this entire ordeal. Therefore, he's offering his services free of charge. I thought my jaw was going to hit the floor when he said that. I'm pretty sure Rose felt the same way. He's arranged for several others to contribute their services for free as well. There will still be the hospital costs including OR but we'll find a way to cover those.

The new procedure is a form of skin graphing. It will involve removing the top layer of skin and replacing it with skin taken from another area of Bosco's body. As easy as it sounds, there's much more involved than just attaching new skin. There are nerves and muscles involved as well which means the surgery isn't without risks.

The new skin would begin just below his lower eyelid. From there it will follow the edge of his nose down to his upper lip, down to his chin and back along the jaw line to his left ear. There will be some initial scaring but with the skills of the specialist these will eventually fade or be fine lines that are almost indistinguishable....doctors words, not mine.

Now all we have to do is talk to Bosco about it. Despite how he might feel about it, the final decision rests with Rose since Bosco is unable to make his own choices right now.

June 22nd

I was with Rose when she went up to speak to Bosco. The surgeon was also on hand to describe the procedure. He also offered before and after pictures of other surgery patients who'd authorized him to use their photos giving Bosco some idea of what he could expect. I watched Bosco's eyes as the doctor described the procedure, pointing out specific targeted areas. At first he acted as if he wasn't interested. In time, his curiosity took over and he did listen.

During my lunch break I stopped off to see Bosco. He wasn't in bed but rather in a wheelchair; something I despised from my own injuries. Still it was better than lying in a bed all day and night. He'd been pushed in front of the window where he had a wonderful view of the back of a building next door. It occurred to me that sitting indoors 24/7 was also something he despised. Bosco needed a change of scenery.

He'd heard me enter even if he didn't look my way. I walked up behind him, turning his chair to face me...something else he despised. I explained what was going to happen as it was happening meaning in the elevator as we went down two floors exiting the building in favor of the rooftop of an older section of the hospital. We sat there for a good half hour, listening to the sounds that Bosco hadn't heard in weeks. Horns honking, ambulance sirens, screeching tires....

Somewhere in there I offered my thoughts on where he was mentally...ending it with the possible surgical procedure. I added that I thought it was a good idea...that it could be just what he needed.

I'd grown so accustomed to physical contact with him that I didn't realize it until I felt him squeeze my hand. It was his way of agreeing that this surgery was the best idea. I wheeled him back to his room, placing him in front of the window again. Before I left, he did something he hadn't done in a long time. He made eye contact with me. The result was that I did something I'd never done. Before leaving I assured him that everything was going to be okay. Maybe I was trying to convince him or maybe I was trying to convince myself. Either way, for the first time in weeks, I had hope that Bosco really could recover from all this.

July 3rd

Bosco's surgery was today. I sat with Rose for what seemed like days. There's so much riding on this surgery. Since Bosco is still incapable of caring for himself, that falls on Rose. The decision for this surgery was hers. Along with the hope that Bosco's psychological state will improve are several days of pain similar to that of someone having plastic surgery. I know he's not going to be happy at first since he's been through so much pain already. I hope in time, it will all be worth it.

Earlier in the day, I met with my lawyer, signing the divorce papers. Two months ago a day like today would have had greater effect on me. The time alone had given me a different outlook. Had it not been for Bosco, my marriage might have ended years ago. But, through his words of wisdom, I'd stuck it out...or at least I'd tried. What's done is done. Fred made his choice to move on and I'm at a point that I'm just relieved to be putting that part of my life behind me. That's not to say that I'm not really upset about all this. We still have the custody agreement and the property settlement to discuss but my marriage is over.

July 4th

4th of July...it was never a day that I enjoyed working. Seems everyone in the city has firecrackers. I hear them popping and cracking and it brings back memories of the gunshots spraying the waiting room at Mercy. It's a good thing I didn't drive today. I've been closing my eyes all shift, trying to block out the sounds.

I had dinner with Ty and Sully. It's the first time they've worked together in weeks. We were joined by Carlos and his new partner Grace. I vaguely remember her. We were part way through our meal when she started discussing her old stationhouse. Glancing at Carlos, it was obvious that thing was on-going thing with her. Seems she's bored with the 55 neighborhood...not enough excitement for her. I really didn't need this today...any day.

I grew tired of listening to her so I told her off...my version of fireworks. I told her about the time three firefighters were shot while trying to fight a fire...the time Ty was shot by a cold-blooded killer. There was the Russian mobster who was responsible for killing Sully's wife and stepson. I told her of Jerry being shot in a stairwell...the explosion that took the life of Lt Johnson only after he'd been horribly and painfully burned. It'd also taken the life of Alex who was a hell of a lot tougher than Grace could ever dream of being. There was the shooting of the firehouse Captain who'd only been on duty a few days, replacing Lt Johnson. There was Bobby, shot and killed in cold blood by his druggie former best friend who'd also held the gun to Kim's head. There'd been the shooting of Candyman, a veteran officer with over twenty-five years on the job. Then there was Mikey's body and Bosco...my partner of twelve years....maybe, I told her, maybe when it's your friends and family who are being shot...maybe when it's your family and friends who are dying or suffering horrible injuries...maybe when its your friends who are burying their loved ones...maybe then you'd wish it was boring.

I was on my feet through most of what I had to say to Grace...make that scream at her. I had the attention of everyone in the restaurant at the time. I pushed my chair aside as I left, causing it to tip over. Ty and Sully followed me out which made it difficult for me to hide the tears that streamed down my face. Carlos came out moments after...alone.

He complimented me with a 'nice speech'. If nothing else it made me laugh along with the tears. Jelly, my current partner, told me that he'd added a few comments of his own. He'd said "you say your name's Grace?" while shaking his head in disbelief. He'd added something to the effect of "looks like you're having a rather rough day little lady...might be more of them to come".

I guess today wasn't one of my better days. Or maybe it was. Or maybe I just needed to blow off some steam. Maybe I was just nervous about Bosco having the bandages removed tomorrow.

Sully commented later when we were in the locker room that dinner had brought back memories of many a Bosco tirade. He said that obviously I'd worked with Bosco for too long. I was starting to act a little bit like him. I had to disagree though. I hadn't worked with Bosco long enough.