August 6th

It's been a weekâ€a very long week. I'm thinking I might just live with Rose until she gets tired of me and kicks me out. The last thing I want to do right now is to move again anytime soon. Between overtime and unpacking, I'm lucky if I see Bosco two or three times in a week and those are short visits. I stopped in for one such short visit today only to find out he's moved too. Since he's no longer in need of medical care, they moved him to the rehabilitation/physical therapy wing. Late last week they'd started him on liquids in place of the IV feedings. So now I know a little more about Bosco that I didn't know before. On his list of dislikes are Jell-O, applesauce, and a few other things that I don't blame him for not wanting to eat. I wouldn't want to eat them either.

For one thing, Bosco has taken care of himself for years and to have someone feeding him doesn't sit well with him. This is Mr. Independent were talking about here. I stopped by one afternoon to find him with Rose. Her one mistake was commenting that the food looked like baby food. In general that was the truth. However, saying that to Bosco while she was in the process of feeding himâ€not a good idea. I've never met anyone who can say more with his eyes than Bosco.

Rose commented to me later at home that when he was a baby he used to clamp his lips together when he didn't like what she was trying to feed him. When he did this, there was no way anyone was gong to get him to open his mouth. She'd tried pinching his nose. It'd worked once but only once. Even as a child, he'd been smart. After her pinching his nose, he'd opened his mouth only to get a mouthful of something he didn't like. So, he promptly spit it out. The next time she tried the nose-pinching technique, he'd beat herâ€holding out so long that she stopped for fear that he was going to pass out in his highchair. When Rose told me this story, I all but fell off my chair. Bosco had been stubborn far longer than I'd experienced. I almost felt sorry for Rose. If Bosco had been my child, I'm fairly sure he would have been an only child.

August 8th

Sometimes I lose all track of time. Between my promotion, my new home, and Boscoâ€.I don't have time to think. I guess that's why I forgot all about a meeting with my lawyer. I remembered it as soon as I heard the message on my cell phone. I called but he'd already left the office for the day. I rescheduled with his receptionist. I wonder if my life will ever be normal again or if this is normal.

August 18th

Okay so this time I made it to his officeâ€my attorney's that is. He wasn't pleased with me. I made some comment about my job. He nodded, directing me to a chair.

We went over a list. I couldn't remember what had been in the apartment. Whenever we went over this question all I could think of was my kids. My kids were gone from the apartment. Everything else didn't matter.

I had a hard time getting past my kids being gone. I wanted my kids backâ€beyond the phone calls here and thereâ€beyond the short visits we had. Everything was immaterial. Fred and I had been married a long time. Most of what we had was old anywayâ€needing to be replaced. The TV was old, the VCR was old, the furniture had seen better days. Other smaller items didn't matter to me. If I hadn't missed it by this time, I didn't need it.

I did remember one thingâ€.one big thing that we needed to get settled. Fred's truck. I didn't care if he had to sell the damn thing. I wanted my half. I deserved more than half since Fred had cancelled our three days alone together so he could spend it with a truck. I knew Fred would be mad that I brought the truck into this. What did he expect? He's lucky I didn't ask for the whole thing. I got more satisfaction out of knowing that there was no way he could buy out my half. It would have to be sold.

There's still the matter of the kids and what's going to happen with them. Like I said, I barely see them. Once in a while Emily spends the night at Rose's. Usually I spend the night working and come home to find her in bed or asleep on the couch. She talks to meâ€.yeah you believe that? My teenage daughter talks to me. She hates Fred's new girlfriend. She hates that she still doesn't have her own room. At Rose's, she has her own room. I think she's just weighing her options. Who's easier to live withâ€me or Fred? Which of us gives her the least amount of grief? So far I've tried to be civil. Meeting Caroline didn't make my day especially since she did it at the stationhouse. I think she has a screw loose. I can't understand what it is that she sees in Fred. Either way, she's welcome to him.

August 23rd

I stopped by to visit Bosco but he was in therapy. I talked with Rose tonight about how he's doing. I barely get to see him anymore. Usually he's in therapy of some kind. Either that or he's asleep or he's having lunch. I can't seem to get my schedule to match his. At least he's eating solid food again so he's getting his strength back.

August 28th

Bosco was kind of quiet today. Not being able to speak will do that to a person. It's more than that though. He's not himself. I see it in Rose too. She's exhausted. She's trying to spend as much time as possible with him. It's hard on her. She's still grieving for Mikey and she's running from home to the hospital to work. It's draining her but I understand how she feels. If it were Emily or Charlie lying in that hospital, I'd want to be there too.

September 4th

I talked to Emily today. She's upset again. I don't blame her. I'm a little upset too. Fred and the little girlfriend are getting married. Emily gave me all the details. I've heard about all I can take of their love life. Listening to Bosco talk about his was one thing. I got used to that. Listening to my former husband of sixteen years is another matter all together.

Emily spent the night. After she went to bed, I sat down with Rose. She tells me that she and Emily have been talking. Apparently they talk a lot. I apologized for Emily dumping her problems on Rose. She just smiled. I can tell she loves my daughter. Emily's no trouble she says. Actually she's the opposite. I can see where this is headed. Emily wants to live with meâ€or rather with Rose and I just happen to live under the same roof. She'll learn to tolerate me as long as she doesn't have to live with her father and his future wife. It's like choosing from the worst of two evils. Fred and Caroline or Rose and me? From Rose's perspective Emily needs her motherâ€she needs to know that someone still cares about her and it sounds like Fred is too busy with the new girlfriend to remember having a daughter. That's not like Fred. Emily was always daddy's girl. Give it a try Rose says. I tried to explain that she's seeing the best in Emily. She's probably missed the attitude, the slamming door, the pouting when she doesn't get her way. Rose smiled again before reminding me that Bosco was once fifteen and sometimes he wasn't a joy to live with either. On top of that, he came with a little brother who idolized his big brother. I guess if Rose doesn't have a problem with a teenage girl living under her roof, then I should be grateful.

September 10th

Emily moved in with us today. It was against Fred's wishes of course. I was a wreck. It's one thing to want my kids back. It's another thing to realize that they aren't going to be togetherâ€living under the same roof. They've always been close. Emily always looked after Charlie. I think she's going to miss him and it makes me worry about Charlie more. The one thing we didn't consider was Emily's school. Rose isn't too worried. It will all work out she reminds me. I figure we have two optionsâ€she takes the subway or I drive her. I'm not crazy about having my teenage daughter riding the subway alone so I offer to take her to school. There is another possibility. Maybe as she gets to know the kids around here, she might want to make the move to a school close to her new home. We'll see.

September 18th

It's over. Officially my marriage was over months ago. Today it's over entirely. Fred has to sell the truck. He's not pleased with that but he has no other options. Neither he nor the future Mrs. have the cash to buy me out. Other than that, the settlement is pretty simple. Fred will have custody of Charlie and I'll have custody of Emily. I get visitation with Charlie and he gets visitation with Emily. I suggested that maybe we should alternate visitation so the two of them still get to spend some time together. Fred didn't like the idea basically because it was my idea. The judge, however, agreed. At this point, I'm not paying any support to Fred nor am I paying any alimony. Since my job has better benefits, it's my responsibility that they have insurance. I think he hates my job even more, if that's possible.

September 20th

Bosco had yet another surgery. This time it was his leg again. He's been having trouble in therapy. New tests showed that there was some damage to the leg. I'm losing track but I think this was his sixth surgery on the leg. In total, since the shooting he's had fifteen surgeriesâ€.fifteen in just over four months. Ironically most of them have been to that leg. Between the knee, the ligaments, the cartilage, and the bonesâ€his leg was a mess. Even the surgeries to reconstruct his face have been fewerâ€fewer by one.

All in all, the surgery to his face is good. He'll never look like he did before the shooting but the results are still incredible. Some scars remain and overall the look is good. But I rode with Bosco was twelve yearsâ€eight hours a night for twelve years. I see things others don't. But, if he can live with it, that's all that matters.

October 2nd

Bosco's having a tough time. Even with the latest surgery healing well, he's still having a lot of problems. I think it goes beyond the actual healing process. What can I say, I know him. I see things. He's not able to speak so the doctors and therapists are limited to what they understand. I read his faceâ€the look in his eyes. There's more going on here than meets their eye. I'm just not sure how to handle it. Maybe its time Rose and I talked. She listens to me like I listen to her. She's been a blessing through everything.

October 11th

Rose and I sat down for a joint meeting concerning Bosco's lack of progress. The meeting included his doctors, the therapists (physical, speech, and psychological) and Rose and me. I've been fortunate that Rose includes me. I think she does it because she gets strength from me. She doesn't know that's a two-way street. I don't know what I would have done without her these past months especially with my divorce on top of everything with Bosco.

Basically the conclusion is that he's withdrawing. Over time, five months now, he's had a lot to contend with. Foremost, he nearly lost his life. In addition, there's the psychological aspect of the reconstruction of his face, the physical aspects of his inability to walk and his inability to speakâ€it's taken a toll on him.

Before the shooting, Bosco was independent. He'd been somewhat independent since he was a kid. He'd taken on adult responsibilities when he was just ten years old. He'd assumed the role of protector for both his mother and Mikey.

Prior to the shooting, he'd lost Mikey in the worst possible way. He'd witnessed the gruesome discovery of what was left of Mikey's body. It's not that we'd forgotten that, it's just that Bosco's had enough on his plate with his injuries. Still, in his own mind, he's still grieving or attempting to grieve. His brain was trying to deal with the loss of Mikey, the feeling that he'd failed to protect Mikey, his own shooting and the trauma, frustrations, and pain that came with that. In addition, even though he was unable to speak and nearly unable to move, it's more than likely that he still feels he has to protect those that he cares about. How a person does all of that or any part of that is one of life's mysteries. In Bosco's case, he was lacking one major aspect to do this: his inability to vent his frustrationsâ€to relieve some of the stress.

Had he been able to talk, he might have opened up to any one of us. If nothing else you go outside and simply scream at the top of your lungs. Anything to get it out.

Another possibility was exercise. You have a stressful day; you work it off in a gym. Given his injuries, the structured aspect of his physical therapy, and his continual surgeries, that was also not an option. To let him work it off with additional exercise jeopardized what progress he had made as well as the condition of his leg.

So, it builds up and over five months he'd suppressed a lot. Bosco is reaching a point where he's starting to shut down.

Our options were limited. More than anything Bosco had the need to protect us and to be strong for us. Neither Rose nor I took that well but, in effect; our being around him was possibly doing him more harm than good. In some cases that would be different. Some people need others to be strong. Bosco, it seems, hasn't changed. He needs to do this his own way. He needs to do this just like he's done so many other thingsâ€on his own.

There is another clinic that is more specialized in what Bosco needs. The only problem is that facility isn't in New York. It's in Bostonâ€hours away.

The doctors will talk to Bosco about it but I think the decision has already been made. Rose knows it as well as I do.

October 19th

Bosco's leaving.

I wish I knew what was going on inside that head of his. I used to know. I used to be able to tell what he was thinking. Lately thoughâ€these past few monthsâ€he's shut me out. Today Rose informed me that he's going to the clinic in Bostonâ€one that specializes in the recovery of people with injuries like Bosco.

I don't get to see him as much as I used to. I get up to Mercy once or twice a week. It's not as much as I'd like but it's enough to know that he's reached a point where he's not making any progress.

I can't imagine not being able to stop by and visit him but I know this is for the best.

November 2nd

I know he's leaving in the morning. I was going to go by the hospital on my break but it didn't work out. Truth is, I don't want him to leave and I know if I went up there, I'd break down and I didn't want to do that. I guess I'm still trying to be strong for both of us. It's not working. I can't even write anymore 'because I can't see through these damn tears.

Damn Mannâ€damn the guys who shot Boscoâ€who killed Mikey. I feel as if we've lostâ€that they've beaten us again. I feel like I'm losing Boscoâ€I'm losing my partnerâ€I'm losing my best friend.

November 3rd

I went to see him anyway, knowing full well that I wouldn't get through it without tears. I was right. It was kind of strange. I reminded him of the time I'd told him he acted like one of my kidsâ€that he was selfishâ€that he needed to grow up. I said it while shaking my head.

Truth is, I told him, this time I was the one being selfish. I wanted him to get well but I also wanted him to do it where I could still stop by and see him. By staying here in New York, he'd be close by and I'd get to see himâ€to spend time with him. But in doing so, I'd be depriving him of what he needed more than anythingâ€to regain control over his life. As much as I wanted him close by, I wanted him well. I wanted him to be the person I knew he could be. So, if that meant going to Boston, then he needed to go to Boston.

About that time, I was a blubbering mess. I promised him that I'd look after Rose hoping that he'd worry a little less about her. I also told him how great she got along with Emily. The three of us would support one another while he was in Boston.

Despite the fact that I wanted him to get better and that I knew he had to go to Boston to do that, it didn't mean I wasn't going to miss him. He'd been a huge part of my life for too long for me not to miss him. With tears streaming down my face, I moved forward giving him a hug, placing a kiss on his forehead.

I didn't get as far as the parking lot and I was already missing him.