Mulder's Apartment
12noon, 23rd December
Mulder sat on his couch staring vacantly at the blank television screen in front of him. The flowers he had bought for Mrs Scully lay strewn across the floor along with assorted other objects. A glass lay shattered on the floor with blood from small cuts on his bare feet marking the carpet below them. The red wine that had been in the glass now stained the front of his t-shirt, soaking through to his skin. He didn't care. His coffee table was upturned on the opposite side of the room to where it normally sat. He had destroyed everything that he could throw in his earlier rage; furious with himself for believing a lie told to him by the person he though was his best friend. The person who he knew he not only loved but also was in love with. His fake Christmas tree that Scully had bought for him lay in pieces also on the floor, decorations smashed and mangled where he had stamped on them.
He remembered the day Scully had arrived at the door carrying it, impishly grinning at him, telling him to get into the holiday spirit. When he had pointed out that it was only November she had grinned even more and told him that it was okay, she had bought a fake one - it would last. Laughing, they had put it up together, decorating it with the cheap ornaments that he had bought the year before and never used. Scully had been perturbed that he didn't have an angel for the top and he had told her that that was her job. She had blushed then, shyly turning away and moving across the room to his desk. After digging around in the drawers, she had sat down on his couch with paper, pens and sellotape and she had made him an angel. Showing it to him, she had pointed out that she had given it red hair and he had smiled at her telling her that that was how it should be, that red-haired angels are the prettiest. Again she had blushed but this time she held his gaze, holding the paper angel out for him to put on the tree. He had reached out towards her with both hands and took her hand in one of his and the angel in the other. Keeping the angel between them, he had asked for her help to put it on the tree and she reached out for it again with her other hand. The two had then placed the angel on top of the tree together and stood for a long, quiet moment, holding hands and looking at their bizarre but wonderful Christmas tree.
Later that evening they had sat together on his couch, eating pizza and drinking enough wine that she had become giggly. He had watched, entrance as her beautiful face transformed with her laughter, her eyes twinkling like the lights on their tree. She had taken his left hand in hers and they sat for a long moment in silence, both looking at their hands in his lap. His right arm had moved from the back of the couch to rest on her shoulder, pulling her towards him so that her head could lean on his shoulder. Her right hand had crept from her lap into his hand and slid it from her shoulder to her cheek. She had leant into its gentle caress and placed a soft barely-there kiss onto his palm before allowing it to rest once more on her shoulder, her small fingers entwined with his. They had stayed that way until she said it was time for her to leave, both watching the twinkling of the fairy lights grow stronger as the world outside grew darker. Arranging them on the tree, Mulder had put them on so that a white light sat behind the angel, making her shine brightly in the darkened room.
The paper angel now lay in his hands, the only ornament not ruined by his previous outburst of temper. He felt his tears beginning to fall as he remembered her blushing face as he had told her she was his angel. He had thought he had seen love in her bashful eyes in the moment before she turned away, love for him. He knew now that it must have been pity he had seen, pity for the lonely man who needed to be given a Christmas tree because he didn't have one of his own. A man whose 'holiday cheer' fell so far short of her own that she needed to lend him some out of sympathy. His anger had long since faded away, replaced by a searing pain that pierced his heart each time he thought of what had almost happened to his Angel. His guilt soared when he remembered how pale and fragile she had looked in her hospital bed yet she had never given up.
'How could I have done that to her? Why didn't I save her from the pain?'
His tears fell in earnest now as he thought of how badly she had been hurt because of him over the years. He began crying harder as he realized that he would lose her now without a doubt; would surely have to say goodbye to his precious Angel. His sobbing increased again as he understood that they would have to part even if she didn't leave him; that he couldn't let her be hurt anymore because of him. His breath came in loud, heaving gasps as he struggled to contain the noisy howls that were threatening to escape.
He didn't hear the familiar knocking at the door over his despair-ridden wails. Nor did he hear the key turn in the lock or the soft click of her heels as she carefully made her way through the clutter to reach the couch. He only became aware of her presence when her hand touched his back gently and she enfolded him in her arms. Unable to do anything else, he leant into her embrace, burrowing his face in her shoulder. The two sat for a long moment, she whispering soothing words in his ear to calm him down and he, still sobbing, not hearing a word. When he finally tired and his breathing calmed, she spoke louder to him, making sure that he heard everything she had to say.
"Thank God you're okay Mulder. Bill made it all up. I never said anything to him. I didn't even know you had arrived and I certainly didn't want you to leave."
"I'm...sorry...Scully...so sorry."
"Mulder you don't need to apologise. You haven't done anything wrong."
"I'm sorry, I'm sorry."
"Mulder are you listening to me?"
"Sorry, sorry, sorry, sorry, sorry."
"Mulder...sit up and listen to me... Mulder please."
"I'm sorry Scully...you should go... I can't take hearing a goodbye from you...please don't make me say goodbye... Just leave."
"Mulder I'm not going anywhere, not without you."
"You don't need to stay out of pity, I don't want it... not anymore."
"Mulder sit up. I need you to hear what I'm saying. Can you do that, just listen? ...Mulder, what's all over your top? Is that blood?"
Scully pulled his t-shirt out of his jeans quickly and tore it over his head, frantically searching for a wound. Mulder however had retreated into himself after telling her to leave, not wanting to see her go, and so he was unaware of her words and her actions. She continued searching his upper body for injury, alarmed that he might have hurt himself before she arrived. When she didn't find any cuts on his chest or back, she began combing her fingers gently through his hair, looking for the source of the 'blood' on his shirt.
"Mulder, where is the blood coming from? ... Mulder you need to tell me. Please...I need to make it stop...where are you hurt? ...Mulder? ... Mulder!?"
Receiving no response, Scully feared that he had lost more blood than she had thought and had gone into shock. She couldn't see very well in the dim light of the room and knew that she was going to have to examine him more thoroughly to assess the damage. She stood up and started to cross the room to switch on the light but was stopped short by the anguished howl coming from her partner. Mulder had finally come out of his self-induced trance and, watching her walk away, could bear it no longer. Scully stumbled over something on the floor and, seeing that it was a lamp, flicked its switch on, surprised to find that it worked and hadn't been broken. She hurried back to the couch and held him once more, rubbing his back gently and holding him tightly to her. Now that there was more light in the room, she could see that there was no blood on him and the stain on his shirt was not even blood. She pulled him even closer to her and let out a sob as she realized that he was all right physically at least. Hearing her sob, he tightened his grip around her waist and leaned back on the couch pulling her back with him.
Both were crying now as they embraced; Scully out of relief and Mulder because he still thought that this would be the last time he would ever hold her. Scully was kneeling on the couch between his knees with her upper body covering most of Mulder's as they lay against the back of the couch. Time passed and they continued to calm one another, neither ready nor willing to let each other go. Slowly their tears began to fade but the strength of their hold did not decrease, each drawing immeasurable comfort from the arms wrapped tightly around them.
Finally their grips loosened and Scully lifted her head from Mulder's chest and turned in his arms so that she was sitting sideways in his lap. She cradled his head in her arms and hugged it to her chest, kissing him lightly on the forehead.
"Mulder will you listen to me now? I need you to pay attention to what I'm saying - you have to know."
Mulder nodded his head and buried his face in her neck, unwilling to face her when she told him she was leaving. Scully moved away from his burrowing face and tilted his head so she could look him in the eye. Their gazes locked and held, neither prepared to break the connection between them.
"Mulder. I want you to forget everything my brother said. None of its true."
"He told you what he said?"
"No, he didn't even tell me you'd come."
"Then how do you know it's not? Most, if not all, of what he said is true."
"My nephew, Peter told me. He was listening and recited most of it back, word for word. My mom was not too happy at the new word Bill taught him."
"I'm sure she wasn't."
"Anyway. That's how I know none of it's true. Do you hear me? - None of it!"
"Scully..."
"None of it Mulder. We don't invite just anyone to join our Christmas and when we do it is not because we pity them - it's because we want them there. Neither my mom or I invited you to come out of pity; we both wanted you to be there. I needed you to be there."
This last part was said quietly, almost a whisper as Scully found herself overcome with emotion for the man in her arms. Mulder looked at her disbelievingly for a moment until he looked into her eyes and saw the truth behind her statement. He lifted his head and raised his lips to her brow, pressing a faint kiss on her right eyebrow. He pressed his cheek against hers, rubbing them gently together, and pulled her fully into his arms once again.
"You don't need me Scully. It's sweet of you to say but it's not true, you get along brilliantly without me. That's why I know I need to let you go, you'll get by much better without me cramping you're style, pulling you headlong into danger."
"Mulder, no. You're wrong - wrong about it all. I do need you. You're not getting rid of me Mulder so get used to it. I won't leave you and I'm not going to let you leave me."
"No...Bill's right Scully. Even if you don't believe it, he's right."
"No Mulder, he's not. You didn't give me the cancer, Mulder. You were the one who found me the cure. You didn't almost kill me Mulder; you saved me. Don't you see that? You saved me."
"But if it wasn't for me, you wouldn't have needed to be saved."
"Says who Mulder? No one can know what would have happened if a different path had been taken. Where is it written that if I had been a doctor I would have had a brilliant life? I might have been killed in a car crash on my way to my very first surgery. I might have still been taken for three months and still got cancer but you might not have been there to find me the cure. The worst is that maybe we would never have met.
Mulder we can't go around living on 'maybes' and possibilities - no one can. I chose the path I'm on and I'm not leaving it just because other people think I would be better off elsewhere. Yes, some bad things have happened to me but I've also had so many wonderful experiences in my life. Even if I could do it over again, I would still choose the same path. What I do with my life is my decision and I choose the FBI, I choose the X-files. Mulder, I choose you."
Mulder felt tears coming to his eyes once again as Scully spoke, first from grief as he remembered her illness and she spoke of dying, then from an overwhelming feeling of love for her. He cradled her tightly to his chest, rocking them both gently. He felt truly humbled in her presence knowing that he didn't deserve her care and affection. When Mulder said nothing, Scully's spirits lifted, hoping that she had finally gotten through to him.
"I'm never going to leave Mulder - I promise."
"Scully..."
"No Mulder, stop it. I can't leave you so I won't - not ever."
"Are you sure Scully? I know I'm not the easiest person to..."
"No you're not. I don't suppose I am either, but who wants easy? Easy is boring. Mulder, will you please come back with me? ... Celebrate Christmas with me?"
"But Scully its Christmas - it's a time for family."
"Please Mulder? My mom always said it best - she always told us 'Christmas isn't Christmas until you're with the ones you love. Doesn't matter where you are or what you're doing.' So will you come back with me, make it Christmas for me?"
"Oh Scully...Yes I'll come. You have to promise me though that if you want me to leave or whatever, you'll tell me. Okay?"
"Mulder..."
"Can you promise me that?"
"Yes, I promise but its never going to happen. You have to promise me something as well then. If Bill says anything to you to make you upset or mad or anything, check with me if it's true. Don't just take off. Okay?"
"Sure Scully."
"Then lets get going."
Scully swung her legs round to the front of the couch and stood, turning back round to offer her hand to Mulder. When he had risen as well, their fingers remained intertwined and, for the first time since Scully had arrived, they both smiled. She started to move towards the door but, as Mulder went to follow, he winced.
"Mulder... what's wrong?"
"Nothing, it's just my feet."
"What happened to them, are they bleeding?"
"Only a little bit. I must have cut them on the wine-glass."
"That's what was on your shirt? Wine? I've got to admit you had me very worried. I thought it was blood."
"So that's why you stripped me? Damn, I'll need to remember that."
"Mulder it wasn't funny. I was scared you were hurt, that you were bleeding."
"Nope, not hurt, just stupid. I spilt the wine when I upturned the table."
Mulder sat back down on the couch so that Scully could look at the bottom of his feet for cuts. She left him there with strict orders not to move and went to the bathroom, returning with the first aid kit. Mulder protested that he didn't need anything but Scully ignored him and began removing small slivers of glass from the bottom of his feet with the tweezers. She was as gentle as she could be but still Mulder flinched whenever she pulled a piece of glass out. When she was done, she wrapped a small bandage round each foot and went into his bedroom to fetch him some socks and a clean t-shirt.
Once Mulder was ready to go she took his hand again and they walked hand in hand out to her car, collecting his bags from his boot as they passed it. As they opened the car doors, their eyes met over the roof of the car and they both smiled.
Scully got in and turned the keys in the ignition, pleasantly surprising Mulder and even herself as she took his hand in hers again. They drove the whole way there like that, breaking contact only when Scully needed both hands to drive and joining back up as soon as her hand was free again. They sat in comfortable silence for most of the journey, both content simply to be with the other.
