A/N: Ok so here's the big discussion. I was a bit unsure about this chapter so pls pls pls review and let me know what you think. Thanks guys. Enjoy the chapter
disclaimer: I own nothing. it belongs to Joss and ME
Chapter 9: Talking it Over
Buffy watched as he edged closer to the bed until he was standing
right in front of her. She motioned for him to sit, which he did,
before turning to him
"Yeah, we do" she agreed. She took a breath and waited to see if he
was going to start the ball rolling or if he was going to leave that
honour up to her. After sitting in silence for a few minutes, just
looking at each other, she couldn't take it any more. Couldn't handle
the way his eyes were looking right at her. It wasn't exactly
unnerving, she knew he would never hurt her, he wasn't Xander, but
she was still uncertain, so she took the initiative and decided to
explain herself.
"Spike, I need you to know that I was going to tell you. I don't know
what else to say only that I was going to tell you" she swore to him,
praying that he would believe her. She had come to care for him and
she could not bear the thought that she might lose him.
"When?" he asked.
"Yesterday. That's what I wanted to talk to you about. But then
Xander showed up and ruined everything" she explained to him. He
remembered the conversation from the day before in the closet. It did
make sense, she had been hesitant with him and he supposed that could have been the reason, but he was still finding it hard to understand why she felt she couldn't tell him, which led him to his next question.
"Why didn't you tell me? Did you think I wouldn't understand, is that
it? I need to know Buffy I need you to tell me" he pleaded, she could
hear the desperation in his voice, the confusion was evident in his
tone.
"I don't know Spike. I guess I was afraid. I have trouble trusting
guys since Xander, in fact, he's only the second guy I was ever with.
No one else since obviously until you. I was afraid if I told you the
truth then you'd think of me the way Xander described me, crazy. I
have some problems yeah, but I want to get better. I know my own mind and I know that I want to be with you" she told him, she was trying not to be controlled by the emotions which were threatening to
overcome her. She was barely suppressing the tears welling in her
eyes, but she didn't want him to pity her so she held them back.
"Buffy, you hurt me. I can hardly take all of this in. But I made a
promise to your sister that I would listen to what you had to say. So
I want you to tell me. Tell me all of it, what Xander did to you, why
you're here. Make me understand" he appealed to her. In his heart he
needed to know it all, otherwise he would always wonder.
"It's a long story. Are you ready to hear it?" she questioned
"As ready as I'll ever be"
"Alright. From the beginning then" she sighed and took a breath
before starting on her story "Well I met Xander in my second year
of college, I was just about to turn twenty, we were at a party he
spoke to me and he seemed sweet. Kind of goofy but sweet. So we
started seeing each other and for the first two months things were
fine. But then things went sour. We were on a date and once we got
home he wanted to come inside with me. I share an apartment off
campus with a friend. I hadn't slept with him yet, I wanted to wait.
Well, that night he decided he didn't want to wait any longer. But he
didn't rape me. No he just wanted to get off, so he came inside. My
friend was out with her boyfriend so we were alone. We were in the
living room, I was standing by the door and the next thing I know I'm
pinned against it. He told me that he was just a man, he had needs
and that his girlfriend I had the it was my obligation to see them
taken care of. "Spike saw that she had turned a little green at the
memory.
"Anyway, he went on to let me know that he didn't need sex, there
were other ways. He undid his belt and pulled down his pants. Then he
pushed me down to my knees and forced himself into my mouth. I'd
never done it before but it really didn't matter. I thought it would
never be over. I just knelt there scared and feeling sick until he
finally came. I had no choice but to swallow and I retched at the
taste. That really made him mad and he slapped me before walking out.
I cried myself to sleep still sitting in that spot. The next day he
called me up saying how sorry he was, sent me flowers and begged me
to forgive him. Promised it would never happen again. I'd only had
one other boyfriend, I was naïve and I believed him. Took him back.
Things were good after that for a while anyway" she choked back a
sob, she still didn't want to cry, show weakness. Spike looked on
feeling helpless, he wanted to comfort her but he was in turmoil
inside and felt he wouldn't be of any use, so he sat, and listened.
After taking a moment or two to compose herself, she was ready to go
on.
"So things were fine, he was nice, sweet Xander again. And I thought
I loved him. He was good to me. I put that night down to frustration,
believed it wouldn't happen again and it didn't. Two months after it
happened I felt ready and I slept with him. It wasn't what I
expected. Wasn't spectacular, no fireworks all the things a girl
imagines there will be when she loves someone and sleeps with them.
It was just something we did. But he was happy, things were better.
But a few weeks later, things got bad and they weren't gonna get
better after that. It was during exam time and I was tired. He was
staying at my place a lot, my friend was always at her boyfriend's
house. So, he was staying over one night and I was tired. He wanted
sex I wasn't up to it. He was really mad. Worse than the time before.
He told me I didn't have a choice and I tried to argue. He screamed
that I would never talk back to him and slapped me. Then he laid into
me. Punching me and slapping me. When he had enough of beat me, he ripped my underwear off pulled his pants off and pushed into me. I
screamed in pain. That wasn't the person I knew. He yelled at me the
whole time telling me that that was all I was good for. I was a whore
and I deserved it. He said I was fat and ugly and that I would stay
with him because nobody else would ever want me. I was stupid and I
believed him. After he was done he pulled out he kissed my forehead,
rolled over and went to sleep. He didn't apologise the next day. He
was smart. No one ever saw the bruises he never hit me on the face,
at least not hard enough to leave a mark" By the time she finished
that sentence she couldn't hold the tears back, they wracked her tiny
body, talking about it brought the memories flooding back like it had
happened just the day before. Since knowing Spike they hadn't been so vivid.
Spike could no longer just watch he moved closer to put a
comforting arm around her, he was hurt and angry, yes but he did
care. She however, was determined to continue, tell him everything.
"After that he raped me a few times, he never used a condom, but I
was on the pill. I became more and more drawn back from the life I
knew. I felt like a shadow of the person that I used to be. Willow,
my friend, started to notice but I denied it, told her she was
imagining things. She was a bit too preoccupied with her own life to
put up any real argument to the contrary. So it went on. And
eventually I wanted an escape, his favourite thing was calling me
fat. So, I stopped eating. I thought that maybe if I lost weight he'd
stop, but eventually it was more about dying. I wanted to die, it was
the only way to escape, that was about 9 months ago. I hardly ate for
six months and lost about between sixty and eighty pounds. I had to
eat sometimes if my mom was around, but otherwise I just told her I'd been really run down. The constant raping and beating went on, I was so ill that the pill stopped working and I got pregnant. I was too
ill, and the beatings were too bad and I lost the baby. Probably the
best thing to happen though because he said he'd kill it anyway. It
also meant the end. The end to my torture, a few day after I lost the
baby, four months ago, he was taunting me, calling me a whore, saying he was glad the baby died and he was about to rape me again. I tried to defend my self and he beat me. Beat me really bad he slapped,
punched and kicked me for I don't know how long, then said goodbye
and left. I lay in the hallway for about an hour before Willow and
Oz, her boyfriend, came in and found me lying semi conscious on the
floor, they called an ambulance and my mom and I was brought here."
She confided.
Spike let the breath that he had been holding out
thinking she was done, but that wasn't the case, there was still a
bit more.
"When I was able to talk to the doctor two days later, I told them
everything, some they had worked out from the marks on my body, other things they had no clue about until I told them. Willow and mom were shocked, didn't know how they could have missed it. They had me evaluated and diagnosed me as having serious depression and anorexia.
I have counselling twice a week, I'm here until I put on thirty
pounds. Haven't been doing great. At least not until I met you. Since
that night, I'm getting better. You made me want to get better, you
made me feel like I was worth something. It still hurts but I'm
getting somewhere now. I'm finally eating two small meals a day,
which is better than before, I'm taking small steps forward and
that's because of you. I don't have any regrets about that night. Or
any of it really, because if it hadn't happened I wouldn't have met
you. Of course I wish it never happened and will never fully get over
it, at least I met you. I lost someone too though. Willow blamed
herself and I haven't seen her since I was brought here" she finished
sadly.
Spike was amazed, it was something that he would have never imagined, and she had been so much. But he was still unsure, didn't know what to say. But she had creped into his heart somehow and he couldn't deny that he cared. But he just didn't know what it all meant for them as a couple. But she was expecting him to say something, so he looked deep inside, making a decision that would affect both of them. But at that moment he couldn't make any other decision. So he looked up into her hope filled eyes and he knew that she was hurting, knew what she was hoping for. But he didn't know if he could give it to her. Both had tears in their eyes, he brought his hand up to push the
hair out of her eyes and brushed a gentle kiss across her lip.
"I'm sorry." he whispered, and the look of joy that she had on her
features changed to one of despair as she realise what was
coming "Buffy, I don't really understand but I'm sorry for what
happened to you. But I can't be with someone who lied to me"
She nodded, she wouldn't put up a fight. It was her own fault, her
mom and friends had begged her to tell him from the start and she
didn't. She would let him go, she barely noticed that he started to
speak again.
"But I can and have to be with the woman I love." a smile crossed his
face. The kiss had decided it. When he kissed her, even though it was
only a brush of lips, he saw the fireworks she talked about and he
knew that he had to try. The tears escaped his eyes when he saw
Buffy's falling freely down her face. Obvious tears of Joy. Or at
least he hoped so. His thoughts were confirmed when she threw herself into his arms and peppered his face with kisses, and nothing had ever felt so right.
"Oh, Spike," she cried in delight "I thought I was gonna lose you. I
am so sorry, I will never lie to you again I swear."
"Shush," he commanded "it doesn't matter now, just be honest from he on out. But everything's gonna be ok baby. I'm here, and I'm here to stay." he told her.
"Promise?"
"Promise." he assured.
He pulled her down into a lying position on the bed, kissing her
hair. Buffy felt wonderful but then dread filled her.
"Spike? Xander will do what he said. He'll be back." she worried.
"Let him, he's gonna have a hell of a fight on his hands" he stated,
wrapping his arms tighter around her. Neither said another word, just
laying peacefully neither aware that visiting hours were over, as
they drifted to sleep.
