A/N- Just when you thought it was safe to release your minds onto fanfiction.net… I RETURN!! BOOAHAHAHAHAHA! They can tak awah meh parody, but they cannae tak meh FRRRRREEDOM!!! That was to be said in a Scottish accent, by the way. All right, so dawns my Mary Sue parody… yes, I am turning mainstream. Oh joy.

Alright you maggots. Listen up, cuz I'm only saying this once… I DO NOT OWN LORD OF THE RINGS! I AM NOT J.R.R. TOLKIEN!!! I DO NOT CLAIM TO OWN ANYTHING, THEREFORE YOU CANNOT SUE ME!! The God's Pajama's quote is from Angus, Thongs, and Full Frontal Snogging, great series, check it out sometime.

Right then. Let the Mary Sueness commence.

Chapter One- The Unsuspecting Arrival

It was a fairly normal fall afternoon. My parents were still at work, sister at soccer practice, and I had a date.

With the DVD remote that is.

The doorbell rang. I bounded up to get it, my golden retriever, Faramir, followed behind me, hoping for food that might have somehow miraculously hidden itself in my pockets. "AUUUUUDREY!!!!" I heard a familiar voice say, banging on the door. I opened it, and my friend Melissa fell onto the ground, Faramir attacking her face.

"AHHH!! AUDREY! CALL OFF YOUR HOUND OF SATAN!!!" she screamed.

"FARAMIR! COME HERE BOY!!!" I called. He looked up, his head tilted to the side. I picked up his bone. "Go get the bone! Go on boy!" I encouraged, throwing the bone across the house. He raced after it, and I had a fleeting image of the REAL Faramir chasing a bone, and burst into hysterics.

Melissa got up and glared at me. "So where's the Ringsy goodness?"

I held up the DVD, fresh and shimmering and BRAND NEW!!!

"So what happened to the old one again?" Melissa said as we walked to the living room.

"Erm… my little brother used it for target practice," I grimaced. She sniggered, and I kicked her.

"OOOOOH! VIOLENCE!" Melissa cackled, picking up a random throw pillow and smacking it with me.

"YOU FREAK!! THAT'S THE LEGOLAS THROW PILLOW!!!" I screamed. Melissa looked down on it.

"Oops."

"YOU DARED TO HARM THE HOLY CUSHION THAT IS ALSO LEGOLAS?! YOU SHALL BURN LIKE-"

"The heathen kings of old. Can we PLEASE watch the movie?" Melissa sighed, throwing down the pillow. I snatched it up.

"Mine… my own…. Legolas is my…my precious," I hissed, eyes bulging out like a demented hobbit (*coughcough* GOLLUM *coughcough*). Melissa sighed and flopped down on one of the couches.

I pranced over to the DVD player, and inserted the "Fellowship of the Ring" disk. Grasping the remote in my hand, I jumped onto the other couch, gulping down caffeinated beverages. Pushing the fast forward button, the disk whirred like mad.

"AUDREY! WHAT IN THE NAME OF ELIJAH WOOD'S EXTREME HOTTNESS ARE YOU DOING?!" Melissa shrieked.

"Fast forwarding. And Elijah is not the hottest of them all. ORRRRRRRRRRRLANDO is!" I stuck out my tongue, acting like a total teenage fangirl. Bickering ensued between the Lego-lass and the Frodo Fancier for the next minutes. I paused it as soon as Rivendell came into view.

"Oh, Gods…" I heard Melissa mutter. "You are such a Legomancer, you know that, right?" I sniggered in reply.

"OMIGOD!!! OMIGOD!!!" I started shrieking as soon as the Elf of Supreme Hotness entered the screen. Melissa groaned, and buried her face in a nearby pillow (after ensuring it was not the Holy Cushion of Legolas). I hit the wondrous key that is known as the "pause" button. It was the infamous…

Butt shot. (If you've ever watched FotR through an O/PEF's eyes, you know EXACTLY what this is.)

I squealed like only an Obsessive/ Pervy Elf Fancier can. Melissa's head was still covered in the pillow, but I could faintly hear her mutterings of "Dear God, please save me from this Obsessive Elf Fancier."

"PERVY HOBBIT FANCIER!!!" I screamed.

"CAN WE JUST WATCH THE MOVIE?!?!" she retaliated. But her words were lost upon my ears. Mmm….Elfy goodness. "UNPAUSE IT, OBSESSIVE ELF FANCIER!!!"

"Well fine," I said, unpausing it to the next best thing…

SLO-MO!!

"Remind me again why I came over here?" Melissa groaned.

"Because you love Frodo and are here to support him while his Creepy Looks remain at minimum," I said, gaping at the Slo-Mo elfy goodness.

"That's it. I'm going to get some toast before I have to come over there and kill you for the remote," she said, getting up to the kitchen.

"BRING IT!! I'LL GO ALL ELVISH SMACK DOWN ON JOO!" I screamed.

I realized then that we were being really, really loud and the neighbors would have my head to put on their Walls of Annoying Neighbors.

Then I realized I didn't care.

While the Hobbit Fancier was making her toast, I had paused the screen. "Princess Audrey Greenleaf has a ring to it…" I snickered, crawling up to the screen. The Prince of All Things Hot and Blonde was frozen in the 1st look he gives to Rivendell. In the movie, that is. I heard the toaster spring up. I heard Melissa's footsteps reenter. "What the frick are you doing?"

"MY ELF!" I growled. She sighed. So as revenge, I decided to go all out fangirl on her.

"Kalina en' i'ilfirin auta amin e'a ened kemen," I whispered.

I felt a breeze whirl around the living room, which was odd, because all the windows were closed. "AUDREY!!!!!!! WHAT THE HECK IS GOING ON?!" Melissa screamed.

I opened my eyes to see I was being sucked into a black hole. I was being taken into the TV. "AUDREYYYYYYYYYY!!!"


***

It was like being whirled around on one of those cheap carnival rides. Lights flashed around me, colors unknown to man. Whispered voices flipped around me, but I couldn't hear anything they were saying. I was faintly aware of the coldness of this odd place, but my thoughts were interrupted when I hit the ground.

"What the heck is going on?!" I voiced out loud. The scenery was that of fall, leaves fiery colors, and I could faintly detect water running somewhere nearby. "WHERE IN THE NAME OF GOD'S PAJAMAS AM I?!" I screamed.

I half expected little munchkins to pop up and start singing "FOLLOW THE YELLOW BRICK ROAD!" That's how bizarre this whole experience was. I heard hooves approaching, and looked up to see an escort (of sorts).

"Shiver me timbers and call me Larry…" I whispered.

"Milady…are you lost…?" said a vaguely familiar looking elf. "Erm… where am I?" I said. The VFLE smiled and said, "On the borders of Rivendell."

My first response was to laugh. So I did. A maniacal, high-pitched laugh that made the VFLE wrinkle his brow. "Yeah right. And I suppose you're Legolas Greenleaf, right?"

"Well, actually, milady, yes."

With that, I hit the ground.


***

A/N- Woohoo! The Mary Sueness has NOT commenced yet! But I find it vaguely humorous. But first let me state that AUDREY MARCUS IS NOT ME!!! I haven't described her yet, but she's not. Just trust me on this one.

Yes, I know, I miss POTC:COTF too. And it will be up on another site, presumably. But until then, Mary Sue parodies will have to do! Even if they are crap!

REVIEW!

And I'll be the first to tell you I WILL NOT ACCEPT FLAMES! I know this is stupid. I know it shouldn't be here. I KNOW NOT ALL MARY SUES ARE BAD!! I know Legolas isn't real!!! So please, if you have any flames, keep them to yourself. CONSTRUCTIVE CRITICISM IS ACCEPTED!

With those thoughts in mind, review!