A/N- A long time…a long time since I have last posted. I have lots of excuses, which I will post in my second A/N (although it will probably turn out to be A/W…Authorette's Whine…taken from a flame given to me in the last CotF days tear). This will probably be a short chapter…and I need a bit of reviewer feedback on where the heck this is going.

And I am so, so happy. An old favorite is coming back in this chapter…BWAHAHAHAHHAHAHAHAHAAAAA!

And Leggy's going to be extremely OOC. TEEEHEEE, I mean…oh, no, the horror.

Without further ado, CHAPTER THREE!

Chapter Three- …Introduction to the Entity of all Evil…

"You, my lady, are the daughter of an Elvish king and a daughter of queens… and you are the lone heir to the dominion of Treeland. From what Lord Elrond told me, you were banished from your kingdom when your mother died and your father remarried an Elvish maiden named Meldëa. She hated you with a passion and demanded you be taken prisoner in your own kingdom. You were locked in your cell and beaten daily by your stepbrother, Mark. Mark was handsome and he demanded a marriage be arranged between the two of you. Because of this, you ran away. But you were rendered unconscious when a band of Orcs attacked you. And then you ran into me when you were running, and I brought you here," Legolas finished with a flourish.

I blinked, opened my eyes really wide, and blinked again.

That was wrong on so many levels…first of all, there aren't that many Elvish kings. There is no place called "Treeland", and Mark is not an Elvish or human name. I had one question to summarize this…

"What. The. Frick. Was. That," I said slowly.

"Elrond might have told me the abridged version," Legolas said quickly. "I should go. You must be tired from your journey."

Without another word, Legolas Fricking Greenleaf left my room, leaving me to my mystification. I stood up and paced around, hoping to find a paper titled "Vanimavalië's Life" or something. Because this was too much to swallow.

"WHAT IS GOING ON HERE?!" I screamed, flopping onto my bed.

POOF!

There was a cloud of light blue smoke, and standing in the middle of the room was…a person.

"AAAAH!" I screamed, falling off my bed.

"You want to know what's going on here? You've been transported into Middle Earth, and you are now more commonly known as what is lovingly referred to in Fanfiction as: A Mary Sue," the mysterious newcomer said, floating in midair and examining her nails.

"Who are you?" I whispered.

The floating entity glared at me.

"You don't know? Well, I suppose you wouldn't…I should introduce myself. My name is the Authorette," she said primly.

"The what now?" I said dumbly.

"Good God, girl…THE AUTHORETTE!"

I blinked.

"Who are you?" I repeated.

The "Authorette" sighed. "I am a writer. I used to be entertained by simple Pirates of the Caribbean movie scripts, but since that was revoked, I have turned my sights to something of a different kind… Mary Sueadies. And you, my dear girl, are my first victim…" she cackled.

I blinked. She's crazy. Crazy….

"So…why me?" I asked, trying to subtly find a way out of this room.

"Well, I was watching things from my haven in the sky…I've been promoted, you see, now instead of an old smelly computer, I get a shiny one IN THE SKY…and I was getting bored and pissed at the Fanfiction Nazis. I decided to write a Mary Sue Parody, and you seemed to be the perfect subject: a teenager, a fangirl, and a Legomancer. By reading Mary Sues, and Sueadies alike, I studied to prepare for this task. When I was ready, you found yourself here. And, by God girl, you're in for one frick of an adventure," the Authorette cackled.

"You do a lot of cackling, don't you?" I commented, finding a small blunt object under my bed.

"Yeah. It fits the job description," she shrugged. "Anyway, I came to tell you about your job, being my first Mary Sue and all. I think you need some guidance," she yawned.

"I don't need guidance, because I'm not going to be a Mary Sue," I snapped.

"Audrey… Audrey…my dear Audrey…" she smiled. It creeped me out in the least. "You have no choice, you see. There is only one way out of here…and first you must fall in love and there must be a minimum of one classy love song/ show tune. Before you are even allowed to go, you must sing, dance, be declared beautiful at least 20 times, fight a band of orcs on your own, and find out the reason you have had your heart closed off to the world."

"Oh my dear God…" I murmured. I eyed the dresser again, and began to run.

Before I even hit it, I was pulled back by an invisible fishing line it seemed.

"And you can't kill yourself. It's against the rules."

"Ok, mighty authorette, would you mind telling me one thing?"

"Hmm?"

"My Mary Sue's history…"

She smirked. "With pleasure."

Out of thin air, two very cushy chairs appeared. The authorette stretched across hers, and I said gingerly on mine.

"Your name is Vanimavalië Lúinwë. You had an Elvish king for a father, and your mother was a queen of men (but not of Gondor or Rohan…some little dinky country in the middle of nowhere). You had one twin sister, Gwirith, but she died when her boyfriend met her lover, and there were some lovely musical tunes involved. Her boyfriend tried to kill her lover, but ended up killing Gwirith instead. You were distraught, and locked yourself in your tower for months. The only person who you would see was your secret love, Velicero, your sister's boyfriend's cousin's horse's previous owner's best friend. Erm…he was really hot…and you loved him but he died a tragic death. He was a playwright and he fell off of a tower after you broke up with him. You were distraught. Then your mother died. You were distraught. Then your father remarried some total biatch, and you were distraught because she starved you and forced assassins to beat you and all that good stuff. She killed your horse. You were…sad. She locked you in the dungeons, and that's where you met your stepbrother, Mark. He loved you, and demanded a marriage proposal, but you hated him, because despite his handsomeness, he was really dull-witted and egocentric," she finished with a flourish.

"Why was his name Mark?" I asked, arching an eyebrow.

"Oh…I wanted a nice, normal name."

"It doesn't make sense."

"DON'T QUESTION ME!"

"But…"

"YOUR ONLY FRIEND WAS MURDERED IN FRONT OF YOU!"

"But…"

"YOUR ONLY FRIEND WAS A HORSE NAMED FRED!"

"GOD-"

"MARK PUBLICALLY HUMILATED YOU!"

"STOP-"

"AND HE TRIED TO-" she paused for effect "-ah, screw it. I think you've suffered enough."

I sighed in relief.

"He killed your baby. A result of a torrid affair between your sister's boyfriend Airerûthion and yourself."

I glared at her. "I hate you."

She smirked. "This is only the beginning. The beginning of the end…"

I fell onto my bed.

"Oh and Audrey?"

"What? Haven't you ruined my life already?"

"You haven't looked into the mirror yet. I think you might want to," she smirked. "Have a nice day."

POOF! She was gone.

Slowly, I got out of bed and walked slowly over to the mirror. I halted in front of it.

My hair, which used to be a dirty blonde, was now a white blonde so light it hurt to look at. My eyes, which used to be just plain brown, were now a cerulean so clear it reminded me of the ocean. I had grown several inches taller, and I had CLEAVAGE! AAAAAH!

I screamed. What had happened to me?

A/N- OMG WEEEEEEEEEE! I love being the evil writer. Bwahahahahhahaaa.

EXCUSE TIME! Here we go…

#1- I have been really busy with school lately. Freaking finals, freaking math. I'm hyper spazzing because the teachers can't CUT US A FREAKING BREAK!

#2- I've started a "Two Girls Been Transported into Middle Earth"ady. It's posted under "KanikaValawen: Rabid Fangirls" or "LotR: The Fellowship of the Fangirl.". I AM SO PROUD OF IT! And Leggy has a hot twin. WOOOO HOOO!

#3- Writer's Block. Gah. >

Yeah, so I've been uber busy lately. Check out FotFG if you get a chance. WE NEED REVIEWS!

Harry Potter's Crazed Stalker- HUZZAH! Elrond and Leggy…the two most nicknamed characters in my fics. Caffeine/sugar highs are dangerous things. Oy. TAKE WHAT YOU CAN!

Shakespearette- Yeah…Audrey was kinda delirious. I take that as a compliment. Lol…I'm pretty random.

Cosmos Senshi- WEEE! I dunno. I have a love for names no one can say. My nickname is "Valaweamescorasuji". Yeah. Elrond and the sour milk face…cackles Gimli's coming. He might be the lust object…AHAHAHAHHAHAHA!

LegolasLover/LOTRchick (lilshini02yahoo.com)- LONDON! OMG! JEALOUS! Grr…poor Legolas. sends him flowers and bears that say "Get Well Soon" UPDATE! UPDATE! Lol…I'm really hyper right now. Leggy has a twin… BWAHAHAHHAHAA! And he's mine! My own! cackles Poor Leggy…

So anyway, I need your advice: should this be before, after, or during the Quest for the Ring? I'm leaning towards after…

REVIEW!