Chapter 19 – Martin's Declaration
Tuesday Night, June 1, 2004

Finally, the police and coroner had gone, only Martin, Samantha, and Jack remained in the apartment. Samantha was exhausted, but her mind wouldn't let her rest. It kept trying to make sense of the information and events of the night. Images of a grave with her name on it, the face of Mariouchi in her bedroom, the barrel of the gun, the sound of gunshots, it all melded together. She sank into the couch and pulled her feet up next to her.

Martin saw how weary Samantha was and he stepped forward to comfort her, but stopped when he saw Jack out of the corner of his eye. A little voice inside Martin's head spoke up, "Go to her. Don't wait anymore. Damn Jack's feelings. She needs you." He continued walking toward Samantha and sat next to her. She moved into his open arms without prompting and without hesitation. Martin thought that Samantha fit perfectly in his arms and didn't ever want to let her go.

Jack cleared his throat to bring attention to himself. Martin felt the urge to strike him because Jack was failing to recognize whose needs were important right now. Martin felt Samantha moving to face Jack, but Martin whispered to her, "Shh, shh, don't worry about him right now. It'll be okay."

Martin turned his head to glare at Jack and thought, "OK, he wants to be here, he can make himself useful." He spoke, "Jack, can you get Samantha some water?"

Jack flinched, he'd been startled by Martin's voice. He responded, "Oh, yeah, sure."

Martin took advantage of Jack's absence to speak to Samantha. "Hey, let's get out of here. I'm going to take you to my place." He relinquished his embrace and got up. He was headed to Samantha's bedroom to pack a bag; he didn't want her to have to return to the apartment any time soon. Jack reappeared as he was leaving the room. Martin, unconsciously, glanced at Samantha; she saw this and nodded to him that it was okay.

Jack sat next to Samantha and handed her the glass of water. He felt uneasy, both because of what had happened and the flux of their relationship. He hadn't known what to say to Samantha while the police were questioning Martin and he didn't know what to say now. He wished that he could reach out to her and hold her as Martin had, but he stayed at a distance. Samantha was grateful that Jack didn't try to comfort her. She felt awkward with him sitting there, uncomfortable about him being in her apartment at all, but she didn't really understand why. It's not like he'd never been in her apartment before, not like she'd never been intimate with him, but that seemed like so long ago. Neither had spoken and that only added to the awkwardness. Samantha saw Martin coming out of her room and she rose as she told Jack, "I can't stay here tonight. Martin has offered to let me stay with him."

Jack rose with Samantha and began to protest Martin's offer, but stopped himself knowing that he had nothing adequate to offer. He thought about the apartment he had found in his haste to move out of the house. It was small with few furnishing. Plus there was the uneasiness between the two of them.

Martin smiled to himself, Jack appeared to have given up without a fight. He was pleased for himself, but more so, he was relieved for Samantha's sake. He stepped beside Samantha, "I locked up everything; the apartment should be okay. Let's get out of here." Then he turned to Jack and threw him a bone, "Thanks for coming, Jack." He reached out and took hold of Samantha's arm and guided her out the door. Jack followed. Samantha reached back for the light switch and flicked it off, leaving the scene of the horror in darkness.
At Martin's apartment, Samantha looked around in awe. She'd never been there before and although she had imagined how the perpetually tidy, clean-cut Martin would live she was impressed. He had noteworthy art hanging on the walls and his leather couches accented the Oriental rug on the living room floor. There was a limited amount of furniture, just enough to be functional, giving the impression that the room was spacious. Martin had walked to the granite fireplace and ignited the gas flame so that a low fire burned. She followed him to the fireplace and stood absorbing its heat as she realized how cold her body was. Martin came to her from behind and wrapped his arms around her trying to spread his warmth to her. She closed her eyes and leaned her head back onto his chest. She let herself rely on him to keep her upright and tried to forget all of her cares. In Martin's arms everything felt like it was going to be alright.

Samantha didn't know how long they stood there, but eventually Martin steered her toward the couch. He sat down next to her, but facing her, his face had a seriousness about it. Martin had promised himself that he would tell her about his feelings tonight, before another "incident" could rip them apart. He thought that the moment was right, Samantha had relied upon him all night and now, alone in his apartment, she had surrendered her control to him, allowing him to be her "rock."

Involuntarily, Martin cleared his throat in preparation for what he was about to say. He gazed into Samantha's eyes and his heart beat uncontrollably in his chest. He was holding onto Samantha's hands and he began, "Samantha, I have to talk to you and I need to get through this so please don't stop me and don't interrupt. I don't know exactly how to put this, but I know that I have to say it. ... I can't deny it any longer." He felt Samantha's hands tense up and contract toward her body. He let her break the contact, he didn't need the distraction. His gaze dropped to his hands, which seemed bare without Samantha's. He continued, "Samantha, I, I need you ... I need you to know that I want to be more than friends, so much more. When I put my arms around you, I feel complete, I feel like you belong there." Finally, he looked up into her eyes again.

Samantha couldn't meet his gaze. She knew what he was saying, had known it was going to come and didn't know how to react. She thought of the past few nights and how much she had needed Martin, needed him like she had never needed anyone before. But that was an unusual situation, times like that don't come around very often. She let her thoughts drift farther into the past. She had known how Martin had felt and she had never encouraged him, at least not until she found out that Jack was leaving. Jack. She had forgotten about him, but now it all seemed so clear. Jack was the catalyst in her relationship with Martin. She hadn't accepted Martin's advances until Jack was going to leave, but she didn't know what to do now that Jack was staying.

Samantha was shaken out of her fog, she realized that Martin had continued talking, "I know I'm not saying this right and I know that this is not what you want to hear now. I don't want to be another confusion in your life, but after tonight, I couldn't go another day without you knowing. I've been scared for too long, calling us 'just friends' because I didn't want to wreck our friendship, but Samantha, I'm beyond friendship, I realized tonight that our friendship means nothing if I'm pretending all of the time."

Samantha opened her mouth, knowing that she had to speak, but not knowing what she was going to say. Martin stopped her, "No, don't speak, I can see that you are not brimming with excitement. I know that you had hoped I had said a million other things than what I just told you, but I'm glad that I told you. By your enthusiasm," he said sarcastically, "I can guess how you feel, but I need to say one more thing." Martin took a long breath to get the courage to finish, "If you don't feel the same way about me, you have to be honest with me. I can't have you pretending, like I've been doing. You don't have to spare my feelings, you will just have to promise me that you will find happiness, because, Samantha, that's all I wish for you."

Martin got up from the couch and quickly turned away from Samantha. He didn't want her to see the anguish that he was feeling. He had hoped that she would wrap her arms around him and return his feelings, but he had to accept reality. He walked across the room and picked up her bag. Without looking at her, he pointed to his bedroom and said, "You can sleep in here, I'll take the guest room." He dropped her bag off in his bedroom and got out towels and such for her. "Feel free to look around if you need anything or you can come get me. Everything has finally caught up with me, I'm going to crash." Finally he looked at her, "Are you okay for the night? Anything you need before I go to sleep?"

Samantha tried to look up at Martin, but couldn't bear to. She knew that she would see in his face all of the hurt and pain that he was trying to hide and she wanted him to be able to keep it hidden from her. Slowly she shook her head, "I'll be fine, thank you Martin." She looked up as he turned to walk to the back bedroom. She had watched him all night, through telling her about her own grave until shooting her attacker, but it wasn't until he had poured out his heart to the woman that he loved and not had that love returned that he was defeated.

TBC