Chapter Twelve – Confessions Made to an Idiot

What in GOD's name was she doing?

It was as if my head exploded. I had never felt this kind of emotion for a long time. If I was going to be true to myself, I didn't want to feel this way for a long time, so I made myself immune to it … and now that it was happening again …

Liv finally broke our kiss and I was left gasping for air. Suddenly, the expression on her face changed. She looked fearful all of a sudden.

I didn't know what to make of that. What was I supposed to do? I suppose the most logical proposal was to kiss her back in return but I didn't do that. Why? Because I am a bloody, clueless idiot.

To make things worse, Regan and another man, perhaps from another ward approached the two of us. The man, who looked much older than Regan proceeded to prop her up against the wall and they began kissing like hormone-charged schoolchildren. Goodness, being an excessive flirt in Regan's case was one thing. Being overtly horny was another. I kind of wished the both of them would stop. They weren't really making things easier for Liv and me.

Suddenly, Liv spoke.

"I'm sorry," she apologised. "I just HAD to know."

"Had to know what?" I asked.

Liv plonked herself on a nearby chair and kneaded her forehead with her hand.

"I should have known," she said quietly with a defeated tone in her voice. "I should have known that you didn't feel the same way." Liv peered at me with disappointment in her eyes. "You didn't kiss back," she whispered.

"What did you want to prove?" I asked. As soon as those words escaped my lips, I began dreading the answer.

"Can't you tell?" she said softly. "Over the past week or so I've developed feelings for you. I didn't want to, of course. I knew you were still grieving and I know how hard it is. I didn't want to do this to myself, because I didn't want to get hurt like I did so many times before. I should have confirmed your feelings for me first before I did anything too quickly."

How could she have feelings for me? I barely knew her and she barely knew me! She ended up rambling in a nervous manner and once again she wasn't being clear in her message.

"I shouldn't be in love with you," Liv said, reading my mind (not literally of course).

I didn't know what to make of that. You can't control complicated emotions such as this. Complicated emotions … complicated emotions … complicated emotions …

"Liv," I said suddenly out of the blue. "I have to ask you something."

"What is it?" she asked. Out of the corner of my eye I saw Regan and the man pause momentarily and look at us. I wished they would go away altogether.

"I was just talking to Dr Bell earlier," I replied, "and she was talking about our … friendship."

"And …"

"And, well, er, she let it slip to me that you have trouble dealing with complicated emotions. Will you elaborate for me? What does she mean by complicated emotions?"

Liv looked as though she was annoyed that Dr Bell had divulged in information about her which was meant to be confidential but she didn't say anything.

"It's true," she said. "I have issues with relating to other people. That was one of the reasons why I was sent here. My parents thought that I was bringing shame on myself. I hated living so much so I ceased to live … I just existed. I didn't want to live, but I didn't want to die."

At that instant I had another 'Ginny' attack. I noticed lately that they had become frequent. When Liv said that she didn't want to die, it reminded me of Ginny's last words to me:

"I don't want to die. It's too soon."

I noticed later that I hadn't been listening to what Liv was saying, but I got the distinct impression that she was trying to explain about how she became very depressed. I only noticed now that she was rambling once again.

"Liv," I said. "You don't need to say anything else anymore. I get your point." When I said I got her point, I was lying. I didn't know what she was going through and I didn't think anyone could know but I had a fair idea.

Liv took my words as an invitation to sob uncontrollably onto my shoulder. In the end my shoulders were drenched with tears.

Suddenly, I realised that we had steered away from the topic of her 'love' for me. In my mind, she was too naïve to be in love with me. I wasn't in love with her. I was still grieving for my dead girlfriend.

I offered to escort Liv to her room and she accepted the offer gratefully, so we walked to her room in silence. When we reached there eventually, I bade her farewell and walked back to my room, complete with tension etching in my chest area. I felt really guilty. I wasn't making any excuses for her but Liv was a fragile person and when she declared her love for me, I didn't say anything. I merely changed the subject. I definitely broke her heart.

When I opened the door I found Hedwig perched on top of her bird cage with a letter in her beak. Hermione mention to me that she was going to write as soon as possible and I guessed that this was it.

"Hey Hedwig," I greeted as I relieved the letter from her clutches. "Good to see you."

Hedwig responded with a doleful hoot.

"You're the only one who likes me for who I am," I said to her, where really I was just talking out loud. "Liv loves me supposedly, but she doesn't know me. Ron hates my guts and Hermione is kind of caught in the middle. She usually tries to be diplomatic in situations like these but I guess she's too naïve to realise that being diplomatic is impossible at the moment. You have be cut-throat and harsh."

Hedwig responded with another doleful hoot that made me suspect that she might've actually understood what I was talking about. After all, being in the wizard world and taking in consideration as to how intelligent my owl actually was, I wouldn't have been surprised if she actually could understand me.

I said nothing more as I tore into the envelope and fished out Hermione's letter.

Dearest Harry,

This is just a letter to say that I am deeply disappointed in how you view our intentions and your attitude in general. You really have changed, Harry. Whatever happened to the noble, sweet, caring boy I knew before? I know you've been through so much ever since the Second War but keep in mind that Ron and I have had our fair share of troubles too. We also loved Sirius and Ginny and we miss them dreadfully. Harry, for your sake more than ours, please get yourself together. Always remember that we're your friends and we love your very much. You know as well as I do that Ron isn't happy with you at the moment but deep inside he is hurt that such a great friendship had ended after so long.

Harry, I love you. Always remember that.

Hermione


How dare she! Out of fury I scrunched up Hermione's letter and threw it out the window. I hurriedly grabbed a roll of parchment, an inkwell and a quill from Vasco's desk and wrote:

Dear Hermione,

Screw you.

Harry.


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Short chapter, I know. I promise you, this DOES go somewhere and we're almost finished now. There are only four more chapters to go so we're nearing the end
Next chapter: Regan