Alright, maybe I should do this before I get my teeth kicked in:
The line Liv says, "I just ceased to live so I just exist" is actually from "Depression Unknown" by Lux TAYLOR (not Tayer) where Simon says, "Mercedes can't live without her Blair so she doesn't … she just exists."
The whole concept of Group Therapy appears in John Marsden's "Checkers"
The first scene where Harry is a pig to Dr Bell is also inspired by "Depression Unknown" where Taylor is a pig to Dr Hooper. In the story Taylor opens up more to Dr Hooper than Harry does to Dr Bell. Well, the whole 'inkblots' dialogue … that is entirely me.
THis chapter is rater Pg-13 bordering on R for ... well, you'll see. THis is the ruddy chapter I've been agonising over for months. And for those who are reading 'The Hogwarts Memoir Book' I do have the MWPP version written in my scrapbook ... I just have to find it *grins sheepishly*
As usual, thanks for your reviews
Chapter Thirteen - Regan
Hermione's letter left me in a bad mood for the rest of the week and all those around me at Silverwater noticed. Liv chose to stay away from me which was rather predictable considering how I had been insensitive to her feelings. Vasco didn't talk to me, for he feared that I would eat him alive if he did. Malfoy (who was still sporting a purple eye) never spoke to me anyway, so his ignoring me didn't have such a huge impact at all. Like always, he resumed his favourite past time of glowering at me and snarling, which was rather unattractive.
While eating breakfast one morning, Vasco came rushing into the dining room carrying a scarlet envelop etched between his thumb and his index finger. He was acting as though it was going to burn him if he held it for a prolonged period of time.
"Harry!" he cried out. "Take it now and open it!"
I hastily grabbed the Howler from him and opened it. Suddenly, Ron's voice rung through the dining room:
"HOW DARE YOU WRITE SUCH A THING TO HERMIONE? DO YOU KNOW HOW UPSET YOU MADE HER? MERLIN ONLY KNOWS HOW LONG SINCE WE SENT YOU TO SILVERWATER AND WE EXPECTED MORE FROM YOU! WE DON'T NEED YOUR ATTITUDE! SHE WAS ONLY TRYING TO TELL YOU HOW SHE REALLY FELT WITHOUT BRINGING YOU DOWN! I WANT YOU TO WRITE TO HER AND APOLOGISE STRAIGHT AWAY!"
And with that, the letter burst into flames and curled into ashes.
This was followed by a stunned silence, in which everyone from all the wards stared at me with bewildered expressions on their faces. I wished that they would stop and look away.
Embarrassed, I solemnly walked out of the dining room and found solace in the common room. I really hated Howlers with a passion. I remembered feeling my insides burn with guilt when Ron received his Howler in second year after the Whomping Willow incident. Well, this felt much worse. I felt as though a blade was swinging side to side above my head. In attempt to push it out of my mind, I reached over and read another outdated copy of The Quibbler.
Thankfully I wasn't scheduled for any therapy appointments and there was also no group therapy. In actual fact, both appointments were scheduled the next day.
The Quibbler wasn't arousing any interest in me at all so I groaned audibly and buried my face in my hands. Guilt was already beginning to overpower me and engulf me whole. It was about time before I realised it for myself: I was being utterly ungrateful and I had to be humiliated in order to realise that. Ron and Hermione really did care and all I was doing was being an ungrateful idiot. I feared then that there was nothing I could do to redeem myself. The damage had been done.
"Are you okay?"
I looked up from my hands and saw Liv edge towards me and sit down.
"Grand," I said morosely.
"I'm really sorry about earlier," she cooed as she placed an arm around my shoulders.
"Why are you sorry?" I asked. Yeah, why was she sorry?
"I'm sorry because you had to undergo that humiliating ordeal," Liv replied. "I hate Howlers."
"Me too," I replied.
Liv looked as though she didn't know what to say. Her hands played around her lap as her fingers intertwined with each other. "The rest of them are still eating," she said softly. "What about you? Are you still hungry?"
I shook my head in response.
"Neither am I …"
Liv sighed, wrapped her arms around me and placed her head on my shoulder. I knew then that danger signals were ringing loud and clear. As soon as Liv reached out for my hand, I sprung to my feet and walked hastily towards my room. No, I couldn't interact with her this way, especially since I had another dream about Ginny the night before.
"What's the matter?" Liv cried as she followed me. From the look on her face, she looked incredibly hurt. "Harry, what's wrong?"
"I have to be alone," I replied.
"Why?" Liv asked. She placed a hand tentatively on my shoulder and I immediately jerked away.
"It's just wrong," I cried. "I can't be doing this!"
"What do you mean?" Liv asked, bamboozled. She had no idea what I was talking about and neither did I. "What can't you be doing?"
"Liv, I can't see you anymore," I replied. I sounded like I was a character in one of Aunt Petunia's soaps breaking up with his girlfriend.
"What?" Liv cried.
"I can't see you anymore," I repeated for her. "I can't see you because every time I look at you I see my dead girlfriend."
"What do you mean-."
"I mean exactly what it means," I yelled at her face. "I can't see you anymore. Can't you understand?"
"Why are you yelling at me?"
"I'm NOT YELLING AT YOU!"
"You are!"
"I'm NOT!" I exclaimed. I paused for a moment before I continued again, "Liv, listen. I'm really sorry but I've had an extremely bad morning."
"That may be the case," she said softly, "but that's no excuse to treat everybody else like garbage."
Those words stung me particularly. Was I really treating people like garbage?
"Look, you're a nice girl and everything but at the moment we have to stay away from each other."
I didn't know why I was saying this only now. I should have avoided her entirely in the first place …
"Harry," said Liv. "I need to know something right now … I told you yesterday that I had feelings for you and last night I had been agonising over whether or not you feel the same way. I have to know now before I go crazy … do you have feelings for me?"
What was I supposed to say? I couldn't lie straight to her face. It would only complicate things further. So I told her the truth.
"I'm sorry," I said solemnly as I shook my head. "I have to be honest with you. I don't feel the same way."
A woman with extreme confidence would have taken it all to her stride, smile and say 'Well, I'm thankful that you're honest with me,' and walk off. However, being the naïve and foolish girl she was, tears spilled down Liv's cheeks as her lower lip trembled.
"Why are you crying?" I cried exasperatedly, whereas I knew that it was my fault that she was crying. I had said those poison words to her.
I half expected Liv to spring onto her feet and cry, 'How dare you!' but instead she rose from the couch and walked away slowly. Suddenly, guilt overpowered me once again.
What WAS wrong with me? I felt as though I no longer had the ability to think rationally for myself.
Sighing and feeling downtrodden, I marched slowly to my room, where I plunged myself onto my bed and skimmed through my photo album again.
~**~
I ended up staying in my room for the entire day, with no contact with everyone else. Vasco didn't come into our room until before dinner time and when he did he marched in with a huge phoney grin on his face.
"Why are you so happy?" I snapped.
"I managed to get black market Firewhiskies," he replied. That grin seemed to be planted firmly on his face and it refused to budge. It made him look like a clown. "Are you up for it tonight?"
According to my knowledge, Vasco always did this whenever he could. I never usually joined him and Jai. I wasn't much of a drinker.
"How have you been sneaking in alcohol without arousing suspicion?" I asked.
"My ex-girlfriend invented this charm which enables her to send alcohol this way," Vasco replied.
"You know," I said, "your ex-girlfriend could actually invent a charm that would get you out of here. It would be more useful. Escaping from here would be more worthwhile than just getting drunk."
"Tried that," Vasco told me. "As you can see, it didn't work. Besides, what's the point? I'm to be discharged in a couple of days, man!"
"Lucky you," I said sans enthusiasm.
"So, are you up for it?"
"No," I replied.
"Okay, it's your loss."
Vasco chuckled slightly and ruffled my hair. He did this as if I was a cute little schoolboy. I was at one stage of my life but now not anymore. Within seconds, he was gone.
An hour after Vasco left, I found myself completely bored with absolutely nothing to do. I was sick of looking at photos. I wanted to ask Regan if I could borrow her copy of The Iliad but I refused to venture out of the room. I feared that I would have to face Liv and that was the last thing I wanted to do.
Suddenly, the door swung open and Draco Malfoy graced the doorframe, complete with that same stupid smirk on his face.
"What do you want?" I snapped.
"As much as I'd like to bury you alive right now for no apparent reason," the blond drawled, "I am merely here to deliver a message."
"Then deliver it and get out," I said harshly.
"Dr Bell told me that we're going to have a counselling session together tomorrow," Malfoy replied. "She then told me to relay the message to you." "Why?" I cried. "Who does she think she is, some sort of sadist or something?"
"I don't like it any more than you do," Malfoy said, "but that's life."
He disappeared (thankfully.)
I was really frustrated after that. One bad thing kept happening after another. I lied back on my bed and prayed to every deity that existed that I would be left alone.
Unfortunately my prayers weren't answered. The door swung open again and Regan Zabini stepped into the room.
"Leave me alone!" I exclaimed. I really didn't give a flying fork if she came in here to cheer me up.
"Why?" Regan asked. "I just wanted to know how you were doing."
"I feel like crap," I said heatedly. "Leave me alone."
In contrary to my requests, Regan proceeded to tickle my ribs. That brought her great joy; it annoyed the bejesus out of me.
"Stop it!" I cried as I batted her hand away. "I've had a rotten day."
Regan pouted playfully and then lied down next to me. "That Howler, hey?" he asked. "What did you do to get one?"
"That's none of your business" I replied harshly.
"Is that what's bothering you?" she pressed on.
"That, and the fact that I have therapy with Malfoy tomorrow."
"Oh yeah, that," said Regan. "Dr Bell's doing some other experimental thing. She said that she's picking partners randomly but if you ask me I think she's doing it to watch us suffer."
"Who's your partner?" I asked.
"Vasconcelos," Regan replied. I laughed at the thought of the two of them in the same room together, "Dreadful, huh?" Regan added.
"But Vasco will be discharged soon," I informed her. "Who'll be you partner then?"
"I dunno," Regan replied. "I'm kind of hoping you would be."
"Why?"
"You're the only one I can actually tolerate here," she said. "Vasconcelos is bloody annoying. Jai is just too weird for me. Amelie doesn't really talk to me much and neither does Liv."
"What about Malfoy?"
Regan propped herself up on her elbows and raised her eyebrows. "Did you have to ask?" she said in a low tone.
"Everyone hates Malfoy, I get the point."
"You know," Regan began. "You're not as cold and aloof as you make yourself out to be."
Where did THAT come from? Now SHE was being my counsellor.
"You have to learn how to look at yourself in a new light," she said as she ran a hand through my messy hair. "In that way, your life would be much better."
Why was she playing 'Psychiatrist and Patient' with me? Was this her new seduction technique?
"I've had a rotten day and a rotten life," I said angrily. "I think it's a little late for that."
Regan stopped playing with my hair and peered into my eyes seductively. "I know one way to make your day end with a bang." She then leaned down and planted a long kiss on my lips. Tongue action was even involved. Well, that was presumptuous of her. I was too tired to resist. Besides, it felt good.
"That is," she purred, "if you don't object. How do you feel about sex with no strings attached?" Regan smiled smugly as she propped her head on my arm and ran a hand up and down my chest.
"I don't know…" I replied. I wasn't ready to do that … yet. Heck, kissing Liv almost killed me! Perhaps screwing Regan would make the whole world explode.
"You know how I told you that I was waiting for you to get laid," she told me. "Well, Harry Potter, I'm tired of waiting. I'm going to be the one that will deflower you."
"That," I smirked, "and you're horny."
Regan cocked her head to one side and giggled mischievously. "Gee, you are smart Harry Potter."
"Well, it's not hard to figure out," I said to her. "Considering that you tend to … get around."
Regan's eyes widened and she slapped me playfully across the shoulder, "What are you implying?" she cried.
"It depends on how you look at it," I replied. "You can decide if it's a good thing or a bad thing."
"Well, I can be your whore for tonight." She kissed me once again and it felt better this time.
Suddenly, I didn't give a flying flip about anything anymore. I didn't care if I was still grieving. I didn't care if my next actions were going to result in serious consequences, so I straddled her on me and grabbed her hips. I wanted to feel good again and nothing was going to stand in my way. Besides, it was about time I lost my virginity.
"No," I replied. "I have no objections anymore."
Regan smiled happily and kissed me again.
Little did I know that Liv was at the door, listening to every word.
*******************************************************************
Please review
Next chapter: Too Young To Leave
The line Liv says, "I just ceased to live so I just exist" is actually from "Depression Unknown" by Lux TAYLOR (not Tayer) where Simon says, "Mercedes can't live without her Blair so she doesn't … she just exists."
The whole concept of Group Therapy appears in John Marsden's "Checkers"
The first scene where Harry is a pig to Dr Bell is also inspired by "Depression Unknown" where Taylor is a pig to Dr Hooper. In the story Taylor opens up more to Dr Hooper than Harry does to Dr Bell. Well, the whole 'inkblots' dialogue … that is entirely me.
THis chapter is rater Pg-13 bordering on R for ... well, you'll see. THis is the ruddy chapter I've been agonising over for months. And for those who are reading 'The Hogwarts Memoir Book' I do have the MWPP version written in my scrapbook ... I just have to find it *grins sheepishly*
As usual, thanks for your reviews
Chapter Thirteen - Regan
Hermione's letter left me in a bad mood for the rest of the week and all those around me at Silverwater noticed. Liv chose to stay away from me which was rather predictable considering how I had been insensitive to her feelings. Vasco didn't talk to me, for he feared that I would eat him alive if he did. Malfoy (who was still sporting a purple eye) never spoke to me anyway, so his ignoring me didn't have such a huge impact at all. Like always, he resumed his favourite past time of glowering at me and snarling, which was rather unattractive.
While eating breakfast one morning, Vasco came rushing into the dining room carrying a scarlet envelop etched between his thumb and his index finger. He was acting as though it was going to burn him if he held it for a prolonged period of time.
"Harry!" he cried out. "Take it now and open it!"
I hastily grabbed the Howler from him and opened it. Suddenly, Ron's voice rung through the dining room:
"HOW DARE YOU WRITE SUCH A THING TO HERMIONE? DO YOU KNOW HOW UPSET YOU MADE HER? MERLIN ONLY KNOWS HOW LONG SINCE WE SENT YOU TO SILVERWATER AND WE EXPECTED MORE FROM YOU! WE DON'T NEED YOUR ATTITUDE! SHE WAS ONLY TRYING TO TELL YOU HOW SHE REALLY FELT WITHOUT BRINGING YOU DOWN! I WANT YOU TO WRITE TO HER AND APOLOGISE STRAIGHT AWAY!"
And with that, the letter burst into flames and curled into ashes.
This was followed by a stunned silence, in which everyone from all the wards stared at me with bewildered expressions on their faces. I wished that they would stop and look away.
Embarrassed, I solemnly walked out of the dining room and found solace in the common room. I really hated Howlers with a passion. I remembered feeling my insides burn with guilt when Ron received his Howler in second year after the Whomping Willow incident. Well, this felt much worse. I felt as though a blade was swinging side to side above my head. In attempt to push it out of my mind, I reached over and read another outdated copy of The Quibbler.
Thankfully I wasn't scheduled for any therapy appointments and there was also no group therapy. In actual fact, both appointments were scheduled the next day.
The Quibbler wasn't arousing any interest in me at all so I groaned audibly and buried my face in my hands. Guilt was already beginning to overpower me and engulf me whole. It was about time before I realised it for myself: I was being utterly ungrateful and I had to be humiliated in order to realise that. Ron and Hermione really did care and all I was doing was being an ungrateful idiot. I feared then that there was nothing I could do to redeem myself. The damage had been done.
"Are you okay?"
I looked up from my hands and saw Liv edge towards me and sit down.
"Grand," I said morosely.
"I'm really sorry about earlier," she cooed as she placed an arm around my shoulders.
"Why are you sorry?" I asked. Yeah, why was she sorry?
"I'm sorry because you had to undergo that humiliating ordeal," Liv replied. "I hate Howlers."
"Me too," I replied.
Liv looked as though she didn't know what to say. Her hands played around her lap as her fingers intertwined with each other. "The rest of them are still eating," she said softly. "What about you? Are you still hungry?"
I shook my head in response.
"Neither am I …"
Liv sighed, wrapped her arms around me and placed her head on my shoulder. I knew then that danger signals were ringing loud and clear. As soon as Liv reached out for my hand, I sprung to my feet and walked hastily towards my room. No, I couldn't interact with her this way, especially since I had another dream about Ginny the night before.
"What's the matter?" Liv cried as she followed me. From the look on her face, she looked incredibly hurt. "Harry, what's wrong?"
"I have to be alone," I replied.
"Why?" Liv asked. She placed a hand tentatively on my shoulder and I immediately jerked away.
"It's just wrong," I cried. "I can't be doing this!"
"What do you mean?" Liv asked, bamboozled. She had no idea what I was talking about and neither did I. "What can't you be doing?"
"Liv, I can't see you anymore," I replied. I sounded like I was a character in one of Aunt Petunia's soaps breaking up with his girlfriend.
"What?" Liv cried.
"I can't see you anymore," I repeated for her. "I can't see you because every time I look at you I see my dead girlfriend."
"What do you mean-."
"I mean exactly what it means," I yelled at her face. "I can't see you anymore. Can't you understand?"
"Why are you yelling at me?"
"I'm NOT YELLING AT YOU!"
"You are!"
"I'm NOT!" I exclaimed. I paused for a moment before I continued again, "Liv, listen. I'm really sorry but I've had an extremely bad morning."
"That may be the case," she said softly, "but that's no excuse to treat everybody else like garbage."
Those words stung me particularly. Was I really treating people like garbage?
"Look, you're a nice girl and everything but at the moment we have to stay away from each other."
I didn't know why I was saying this only now. I should have avoided her entirely in the first place …
"Harry," said Liv. "I need to know something right now … I told you yesterday that I had feelings for you and last night I had been agonising over whether or not you feel the same way. I have to know now before I go crazy … do you have feelings for me?"
What was I supposed to say? I couldn't lie straight to her face. It would only complicate things further. So I told her the truth.
"I'm sorry," I said solemnly as I shook my head. "I have to be honest with you. I don't feel the same way."
A woman with extreme confidence would have taken it all to her stride, smile and say 'Well, I'm thankful that you're honest with me,' and walk off. However, being the naïve and foolish girl she was, tears spilled down Liv's cheeks as her lower lip trembled.
"Why are you crying?" I cried exasperatedly, whereas I knew that it was my fault that she was crying. I had said those poison words to her.
I half expected Liv to spring onto her feet and cry, 'How dare you!' but instead she rose from the couch and walked away slowly. Suddenly, guilt overpowered me once again.
What WAS wrong with me? I felt as though I no longer had the ability to think rationally for myself.
Sighing and feeling downtrodden, I marched slowly to my room, where I plunged myself onto my bed and skimmed through my photo album again.
~**~
I ended up staying in my room for the entire day, with no contact with everyone else. Vasco didn't come into our room until before dinner time and when he did he marched in with a huge phoney grin on his face.
"Why are you so happy?" I snapped.
"I managed to get black market Firewhiskies," he replied. That grin seemed to be planted firmly on his face and it refused to budge. It made him look like a clown. "Are you up for it tonight?"
According to my knowledge, Vasco always did this whenever he could. I never usually joined him and Jai. I wasn't much of a drinker.
"How have you been sneaking in alcohol without arousing suspicion?" I asked.
"My ex-girlfriend invented this charm which enables her to send alcohol this way," Vasco replied.
"You know," I said, "your ex-girlfriend could actually invent a charm that would get you out of here. It would be more useful. Escaping from here would be more worthwhile than just getting drunk."
"Tried that," Vasco told me. "As you can see, it didn't work. Besides, what's the point? I'm to be discharged in a couple of days, man!"
"Lucky you," I said sans enthusiasm.
"So, are you up for it?"
"No," I replied.
"Okay, it's your loss."
Vasco chuckled slightly and ruffled my hair. He did this as if I was a cute little schoolboy. I was at one stage of my life but now not anymore. Within seconds, he was gone.
An hour after Vasco left, I found myself completely bored with absolutely nothing to do. I was sick of looking at photos. I wanted to ask Regan if I could borrow her copy of The Iliad but I refused to venture out of the room. I feared that I would have to face Liv and that was the last thing I wanted to do.
Suddenly, the door swung open and Draco Malfoy graced the doorframe, complete with that same stupid smirk on his face.
"What do you want?" I snapped.
"As much as I'd like to bury you alive right now for no apparent reason," the blond drawled, "I am merely here to deliver a message."
"Then deliver it and get out," I said harshly.
"Dr Bell told me that we're going to have a counselling session together tomorrow," Malfoy replied. "She then told me to relay the message to you." "Why?" I cried. "Who does she think she is, some sort of sadist or something?"
"I don't like it any more than you do," Malfoy said, "but that's life."
He disappeared (thankfully.)
I was really frustrated after that. One bad thing kept happening after another. I lied back on my bed and prayed to every deity that existed that I would be left alone.
Unfortunately my prayers weren't answered. The door swung open again and Regan Zabini stepped into the room.
"Leave me alone!" I exclaimed. I really didn't give a flying fork if she came in here to cheer me up.
"Why?" Regan asked. "I just wanted to know how you were doing."
"I feel like crap," I said heatedly. "Leave me alone."
In contrary to my requests, Regan proceeded to tickle my ribs. That brought her great joy; it annoyed the bejesus out of me.
"Stop it!" I cried as I batted her hand away. "I've had a rotten day."
Regan pouted playfully and then lied down next to me. "That Howler, hey?" he asked. "What did you do to get one?"
"That's none of your business" I replied harshly.
"Is that what's bothering you?" she pressed on.
"That, and the fact that I have therapy with Malfoy tomorrow."
"Oh yeah, that," said Regan. "Dr Bell's doing some other experimental thing. She said that she's picking partners randomly but if you ask me I think she's doing it to watch us suffer."
"Who's your partner?" I asked.
"Vasconcelos," Regan replied. I laughed at the thought of the two of them in the same room together, "Dreadful, huh?" Regan added.
"But Vasco will be discharged soon," I informed her. "Who'll be you partner then?"
"I dunno," Regan replied. "I'm kind of hoping you would be."
"Why?"
"You're the only one I can actually tolerate here," she said. "Vasconcelos is bloody annoying. Jai is just too weird for me. Amelie doesn't really talk to me much and neither does Liv."
"What about Malfoy?"
Regan propped herself up on her elbows and raised her eyebrows. "Did you have to ask?" she said in a low tone.
"Everyone hates Malfoy, I get the point."
"You know," Regan began. "You're not as cold and aloof as you make yourself out to be."
Where did THAT come from? Now SHE was being my counsellor.
"You have to learn how to look at yourself in a new light," she said as she ran a hand through my messy hair. "In that way, your life would be much better."
Why was she playing 'Psychiatrist and Patient' with me? Was this her new seduction technique?
"I've had a rotten day and a rotten life," I said angrily. "I think it's a little late for that."
Regan stopped playing with my hair and peered into my eyes seductively. "I know one way to make your day end with a bang." She then leaned down and planted a long kiss on my lips. Tongue action was even involved. Well, that was presumptuous of her. I was too tired to resist. Besides, it felt good.
"That is," she purred, "if you don't object. How do you feel about sex with no strings attached?" Regan smiled smugly as she propped her head on my arm and ran a hand up and down my chest.
"I don't know…" I replied. I wasn't ready to do that … yet. Heck, kissing Liv almost killed me! Perhaps screwing Regan would make the whole world explode.
"You know how I told you that I was waiting for you to get laid," she told me. "Well, Harry Potter, I'm tired of waiting. I'm going to be the one that will deflower you."
"That," I smirked, "and you're horny."
Regan cocked her head to one side and giggled mischievously. "Gee, you are smart Harry Potter."
"Well, it's not hard to figure out," I said to her. "Considering that you tend to … get around."
Regan's eyes widened and she slapped me playfully across the shoulder, "What are you implying?" she cried.
"It depends on how you look at it," I replied. "You can decide if it's a good thing or a bad thing."
"Well, I can be your whore for tonight." She kissed me once again and it felt better this time.
Suddenly, I didn't give a flying flip about anything anymore. I didn't care if I was still grieving. I didn't care if my next actions were going to result in serious consequences, so I straddled her on me and grabbed her hips. I wanted to feel good again and nothing was going to stand in my way. Besides, it was about time I lost my virginity.
"No," I replied. "I have no objections anymore."
Regan smiled happily and kissed me again.
Little did I know that Liv was at the door, listening to every word.
*******************************************************************
Please review
Next chapter: Too Young To Leave
