Chapter 30 – Samantha's Past Uncovered
Saturday, June 19, 2004

Samantha took a deep breath and looked into Martin's eyes trying to draw strength from him, knowing that he believed in her. She was trembling slightly at the thought of telling the story to Martin, a story which she had never voluntarily told anyone.

Martin was confused and braced himself for the worst, believing that Samantha was going to tell him that she and Jack were more deeply involved than he'd ever imagined and that she never wanted to see him again. Suddenly his headache was back and he felt sick to his stomach, but he looked into Samantha's eyes and knew that he had to stay put and listen to what she was about to tell him.

"When I got the subpoena," Samantha began, "first, I was worried about having to reveal the intimate and personal details of Jack and my's past relationship. Nobody wants to relive a failed relationship, much less to the woman who beat you. No matter how much I hate him right now I can't deny that I did love him and I can't change that I was his mistress. Oh, that sounds so horrible and that is how it's going to sound at the deposition. Her lawyer is going to be able to make me out to be a wicked person out to destroy a marriage, but that was never my intention. I know that I don't have the moral high ground in this situation, but I don't think that I'm a bad person. I can't let myself think that." Samantha paused to refocus her thoughts.

Martin waited, wondering if he should reassure her that she was a good person, but that she just got herself into a bad situation. However, he decided not to interrupt, believing that the hardest part of her confession was yet to come.

She started again, "So, that was my first thought, to be irritated with Jack because he got me into a situation where I was going to have to talk about very private feelings in front of strangers. But also there was the anger I felt because Jack and I had gotten involved again." When she admitted this renewed relationship, she couldn't look at Martin, she was confessing that she had lied to him and still felt very guilty about it. "I was concerned that our current relationship would be a subject brought up during the deposition. I mean how could Maria be confident that we had ended it like Jack said? And we still worked together daily, I wouldn't blame her for thinking something may still be ongoing. So I was upset that the timing was so bad, if I'd have known about the deposition I would definitely not have resumed dating Jack. There would have been too much at stake to have started up that relationship again, I know I wouldn't have." Samantha repeated this, mostly to herself, as if trying to convince herself of how she would have acted if she'd have known all of the facts.

"However, the timing wasn't a problem for Jack, he obviously didn't think it was a problem to start dating me with a deposition looming, because it turns out that he'd known that I was going to be called to testify before I ever asked him to dinner that first night." She was agitated, her voice loud, "When he told me that he'd know since then I was furious, I couldn't understand what could have been going on in his head. I mean, how stupid do you have to be. Everything I've worked for, I mean, I am exactly where I want to be, I worked for too long to get to this unit and then in one week all of that could be taken from me. But Jack doesn't realize that, he's the supervisor, he's not going to get transferred. He's the golden child of that unit, with his success rate they wouldn't dare touch him." Again it appeared to Martin that Samantha was speaking to herself and her voice was almost a whisper, "Maybe that's why his marriage didn't work, he didn't think about anyone but himself. Why didn't I see it sooner?"

She brought herself back to the present and remembered that she was trying to tell Martin all of her reasons. "So, yes, I was and am still infuriated with Jack and I wanted to get away from him and his voice and even the memory of him, but I didn't solely run away from him. The subpoena reminded me of something from my past, something I've buried deep and haven't talked about to anyone, ever. Not even Jack."

Throughout her confession, Samantha had shown emotion, but had remained very still and strong. However, before she even opened her mouth to continue, Martin saw a tear slide down her face as she struggled to force the words out. He let go of her hand and reached up to her face. Tenderly he wiped the tear from her cheek and his hand rested on her face. Samantha raised her hand and covered up Martin's. She held it there for a long moment before she pulled it away and willed herself to keep going.

"Sitting at my desk, when that man handed me the envelope, I knew what was in it before I opened it. When he didn't say anything, not even 'good-bye' I knew that I was right. I don't know what it was, but I had this feeling of déjà vu." Involuntarily, a shiver ran down Samantha's spine just thinking about the moment. "I've gotten a subpoena before, just once, but it was the same. I was fourteen, sitting in class at school and this man came into the room. He asked my teacher where I was sitting and then he handed me a piece of paper. Without saying a word he turned and walked out of the room." Samantha glanced at Martin, a puzzled look covered his face, so she continued in explanation. "That piece of paper was also a subpoena, I was being called to testify. I was caught as off guard then as I was last week."

Martin couldn't silence himself any longer, he was confused and spoke without thinking, "Testify? What could you have testified to at that age?"

"Well, I read the subpoena and it didn't tell me much, but enough for me to get an idea. I was being called to testify in the case of the State of Wisconsin v. Spade." Before Martin could get the wrong idea about who the defendant was she clarified, "The State was charging Richard Spade, my father, not me."

Martin visibly relaxed, "So you were going to be like a character witness for you father, well that's not too bad."

But Samantha was shaking her head, "No, Martin, I was being called by the State to be a witness against my father." Samantha saw the startled look on Martin's face and was glad that he was as outraged now as she had been at the time. "You see, my father was being charged with murder and I had seen him that night. He had come into the house pretty late, and I'm sure he thought that I was sleeping, but I was a teenager, I had snuck in late and was surprised that my father wasn't home yet. I came down the stairs when I heard the front door open. I saw him wearing a bloody white t-shirt and carrying a knife. He yelled at me to go back to bed and I raced up the stairs. I had never seen him so mad at me so I didn't make another sound all night, but I couldn't sleep. The front door opened several more times that night and I knew there were lots of people in the house, but I couldn't hear anything they were talking about.

"When the police came, I didn't lie, but I didn't have a whole lot to tell them either. I didn't know where my dad had been and I didn't know who came to the house, but I guess they thought that my information was worthy for use in court. I talked to my dad's lawyers and they agreed that'd I'd have to testify. I was fourteen, I didn't know what to do so I listened to the lawyers, I testified."

As Samantha paused, Martin spoke, "Sam, I'm so sorry, I didn't know your father was in prison and that you had to help put him there. I can't believe that the court made you testify against your dad."

Again, Samantha was shaking her head, "My dad didn't go to jail, he was acquitted. Turns out that I was the star witness, the crux of the prosecution's case. The State even tried to convince the jury that I, because I testified against my dad, believed in his guilt. To this day, I have no idea what happened that night."

"Your dad has never explained it to you?" Martin asked.

"My dad has never spoken to me since the trial. In fact, the last time I saw him was when I was sitting on the witness stand, a fourteen-year-old just trying to do what everyone was asking me to do. I guess my father has never forgiven me for not refusing to testify. But, god damn it, I didn't know I was the star witness, I didn't know what happened that night."

Martin couldn't believe his next statement, couldn't believe that he was coming to Jack's defense, "From Jack's point of view, though, he didn't know about your past. He didn't know what memories having to testify would bring up."

"It's nice of you to try to make excuses for him, but he knew. I've never told him directly, but it's in my personnel file and I know he's seen it. The FBI doesn't miss much in their background checks, but to their credit they've never asked me about it and Jack didn't either. It shouldn't surprise me that Jack didn't remember, probably still hasn't made the connection, but it doesn't make the hurt any less real. And I will hold it against him, at least for now."

Martin could see the pain coursing throughout her body. He could imagine all of the years she'd spent hiding her anger and frustration. He reached out to her and pulled her into his arms. Sitting, enveloped by Martin's body, Samantha found the strength to let go.

Martin held her and rocked her gently until her tears subsided. Samantha raised her head from his chest, she looked at Martin and let out a half-laugh while shaking her head. "Martin, I'm sorry, I can't believe that I've told you all of this. You must be so tired of listening to me go on and on."

Martin smiled at her and in response he said, "I'm still waiting to hear about what happened to that stunning blonde prostitute I hired and how you and I ended up in bed together."

Samantha laughed out loud and knew that everything was going to be okay, somehow, and someway. Just knowing that she had Martin on her side made her able to face the future.

TBC