The Great Middle earth Game Show, Take 4


By Dene4 & Simply Sara

Disclaimer: Neither of us own Lord of the Rings or any characters recognizable herein.

HaHA! It has been written and typed up and posted and it may indeed have taken us over a month and well…but…well…its here now. That's gotta count for something, right? : )

Now rated PG, just to be safe.

Featuring two of Simply Sara's Original Sayings™. My sister must really love me grins.


You would think he had been through enough in his life. He'd lost a small but nevertheless worthy and important appendage, he'd carried an evil, evil burden across hundreds and hundreds of miles, he'd even had to deal with the lousy, schizophrenic guides often provided by Yes, We Are the Brilliant Valar, Inc. and yet, still he had agreed to bring this doom upon himself. Or, well, this prestige upon himself, depending on your vantage point, I guess.

No matter how you looked at it, however, prestige and doom weren't exactly two things the celebrated Frodo Baggins was in want of. But he'd grown rather bored as of late as he'd explained to Sam and Merry and Pippin over some drinks one evening. So, when he'd volunteered to host the next episode of the Great Middle earth Game Show, none of them were particularly surprised.

Which is to say nothing, however, of the drink Saruman choked on when he went to read his morning paper one day and 'boom!', there was the headline, big and bold and on the front page:

FRODO FINDS NEW CALLING: From 'envoy' to 'entertainer'

After he'd recovered from choking, Saruman's next thought had been that no matter what, he would not stoop to the level of becoming a contestant once more. And then a letter had arrived a few days later detailing the, uh, benefits those who agreed to be contestants were getting and suddenly, things didn't seem too bad. The perks had definitely improved since the first outing.

And so it was that the fourth episode found its way into creation. The fateful day which the show had been scheduled for is where our chapter truly begins.

The fans were certainly avid in their anticipation (as is to be suspected I suppose) and the theatre was packed. Some of them were rabid, some of them only had one or two screws loose but certainly all of them were crazy in one sense or another. Isn't everyone after all?

"Hello folks! Boy, are we glad to see you all here tonight! And you're all glad to be here, too, eh?" Frodo inquired of the audience in a manner that suggested he already knew the answer.

The crowd roared.

"Well, then…I'd like to welcome you toooo…the one…the only…Middle…earth…Game Show!!!" Frodo declared dramatically

Sam turned to Pip and Merry, seated in the balcony in a section all their own (never can be too careful with besotted fans about). "He always did have a flair for drama," he commented.

The crowd screamed in delight.

"I'm sure you're all eager to begin, so," here Frodo winked, causing the fangirls to swoon, "If you could all quiet down it'd be great."

You could have heard a pin drop if someone had been so inclined and/or equipped. The crickets seemed to take this as their cue and began chirping a little louder.

"And now the contestants!" Frodo proclaimed.

"Gimli! Eomer! Legolas! Denethor! Saruman! Faramir! Arwen! Gandalf! Eowyn! Boromir! Aragorn! And…" Frodo paused and squinted down at the card. "Lith…Loth…La…Lothuriel?" He pronounced unsurely, somewhat confused"

"That's Lothiriel, darling," said…well, Lothiriel stepping on to the stage and taking a seat next to Eomer. "The lovely wife of KING Eomer," she added with a look in Arwen's direction.

"Hmmph!" Arwen muttered under her breath.

Eomer smiled dazzlingly at his beloved wife who couldn't help but smile back.

Saruman crinkled his nose. "Oh please! I think I'm gonna blow pipeweed!"

Eomer turned and fixed him with The Eomer Scowl™ "Shut. Up." he offered simply.

"Uh guys?" said Frodo noticing a slight problem, "Where's Legolas?"

Gimli cackled. "I knew it!" he proclaimed triumphantly. "I knew he'd be too chicken to show his face! Ever since Alithree-whatever-her-name-really-was dumped him he's been going downhill."

"And that, my friend," said Legolas stepping on to the stage, flanked by not one, but three, beautiful women "is where you would be wrong." Gimli's mouth dropped open.

Frodo scrunched his eyebrows. "Uh who exactly are you guys?" he said, gesturing towards the three women who had magically found chairs next to Legolas to sit down in although Frodo was sure the stage had been set up with only twelve.

"We are the Legolas fan club," said the blonde one.

"The what?" said Gimli.

"The who?" said Frodo.

"Uh, that's not fair!" exclaimed Arwen. "Aragorn is a king for goodness sake's and he doesn't have a fan club!"

A few audience members who were wearing shirts that looked suspiciously like they had pictures of said king on them snickered.

"That's okay, honey. You're all the fan club I need," Aragorn said, smiling sweetly at his beloved.

Arwen brightened.

Saruman looked disgusted, mostly because he was. "Ugh…I'd rather have a palantir drop on my head than listen to these two!" he commented to person on his left who was (unfortunately) a little bit sensitive on the issue of palantiri.

"Palantir? AHHHH!!! Save me!" Denethor exclaimed.

Boromir gave Saruman a dangerous look. "Watch it," he declared.

Saruman waited until Boromir turned to his father again before he made a face.

The blonde member of Legolas' fan club turned to Denethor. "Are you in special ed?" she asked brightly.

Faramir coughed.

"Alright, alright, people! That is quite enough!" Frodo stated in a no-nonsense tone.

"Well?" Gimli said, looking in Legolas' direction, "You remember our bet I'm sure. So do it!"

Legolas paused.

"What's a matter? Scared? Scared-y elf!"

Frodo tapped his foot impatiently.

"NO, I'm not scared. You just wait here." Legolas went backstage.

"What's he doing?" the red-head Lego-fan asked.

"My question exactly," muttered Frodo.

"He lost the bet," Gimli explained.

"I believe we've all gathered that much," Saruman said bitingly.

"I wasn't finished," Gimli returned.

"Pray, forgive my outburst," Saruman added sardonically.

Gimli forced a smile that looked more like a "I-would-love-nothing-more-than-to-throw-a-rock-at-your-head" grimace. "He said he could take down an oliphaunt in 15 seconds. As a matter of fact, it took him sixteen."

'That's not fair!" exclaimed the blonde.

"He has to dress up like a girl." Gimli offered smugly. "He won't do it though. He's probably high-tailing it out of here as we speak."

"Wrong again," offered Legolas stepping onstage.

Every jaw dropped.

"Bless my Balrog," breathed Saruman.

"Camera, anyone have one?" asked the raven-haired member of Legolas' fan club.

"Wow!" squealed the red-head.

"What a hunk!" commented the blonde one.

Each who heard her comment felt their faces twist into what can only be described as an expression of nauseation. Arwen felt her face turn green.

Gimli sputtered. "Uh, excuse me? Did you just say 'What a hunk?' He's dressed up like a girl for Eru's sake! How is that, in any way, manly?"

"It takes a very secure man to dress up like a girl, doesn't it ladies?" the blonde one queried.

"It sure does!" said the one with raven-tresses.

"Mm-hm. Yep. That's true!" agreed the red-head.

Saruman rolled his eyes. "Please! I could turn myself INTO a girl and I don't have a fan club!"

"You can?" inquired Gandalf.

"Of course I can!" Saruman exclaimed.

Gandalf smiled. "Then do it."

"Uh…nn…nnnow?" stuttered Saruman.

Gandalf's smile widened. "Yes."

Legolas coughed and went backstage to return to his normally scheduled attire.

Frodo interjected: "Come on you guys. This is a game show and not exactly the place to discuss…such things. FIRST QUESTION!" he pronounced. "Who is the King of Rohan?"

Saruman beeped his beeper first.

"Yes, Saruman?" asked Frodo.

"Sauron."

Denethor rolled his eyes. "No, its Theoden."

Eowyn sniffed. "Not anymore. He's dead." She burst into an uncharacteristic batch of tears.

Faramir hugged her. "Its alright," he consoled.

Denethor looked contrite. "I'm sorry," he offered, tearing up.

Boromir turned to his father, "Its okay, Dad!" he said.

"No its not! He died saving our city! Our country!" Denethor countered.

"Uh…you're right," Boromir offered, sniffling a little. "What a guy."

"Tell me about it," added Eomer, tears welling. Lothiriel held his hand.

"Good old Theoden," Gimli offered.

Legolas took his seat, having missed the reason for solemnity and turned an inquiring eyebrow to his dwarven friend.

"Theoden," he offered, sighing.

"Ah," Legolas said, hanging his head.

Soon everyone was crying or just about too, excluding Saruman and the three fangirls onstage of course.

"Uh…excuse me…but who the heck is 'Theodon' or whoever?"

"Theoden, as it is, just happens to be my deceased uncle who used to be the KING of Rohan. He died defending us all including you, I presume, ungrateful though you may be. My former self would have pummeled you for that little comment, but since my uncle's death, I have become very SENSITIVE. I am now Mr. Smooth®" Eomer stated matter-of-factly.

Lothiriel beamed. "Oh dearest, you are completely brilliant! The perfect mix of sensitivity and strength! The perfect king for Rohan!"

Mr. Smooth® tried very hard not to look smug. "Thank you, darling."

"Ahem!" Frodo half-coughed, half-said. "Question number two. Who is the greatest king in all of Middle earth? We've polled our audience to find the answer. Your choices are as follows: Aragorn, Eomer, Thranduil, or Theoden.

Faramir buzzed his buzzer first.

"Faramir?" Frodo asked.

"Aragorn," he answered evenly, making Aragorn grin. Denethor twitched.

"Do you have something in your eye?" asked Gandalf. Denethor cleared his throat and narrowed his eyes.

Boromir couldn't help but overhear. "Are you trying to start something?"

"No," Gandalf offered. "Just asking a question."

"Just asking a question," Denethor mimicked under his breath. Legolas chuckled.

"Well, Faramir—" Frodo began.

"Uh excuse me?" Eowyn interrupted, looking pointedly at Faramir. "What happened to loyalty here? You were supposed to pick Theoden, or at least Eomer!" Eomer squinted and then relaxed: Sisters! He shook his head.

Meanwhile Faramir was looking at Eowyn like she was crazy.

"What?!" she said in response to his expression. "We are married now you know! A little fealty might be nice!"

Faramir narrowed his eyes. "Actually, I don't have to pick Theoden or Eomer or anyone else directly related to you. See, I'm a free man, free will and all that."

"Oh, not anymore, buddy," she returned. "No, no. Now, you're married to me."

Boromir disguised his chuckle with a cough.

"Drama, drama, drama, drama" Faramir replied.

The crowds munched on their popcorn interestedly.

Eowyn made a face. "Oh go impale yourself on an orc arrow."

"Go knock your arm into a Nazgûl!"

"Go set yourself on fire!"

"Ha! Why don't you go sing that little funeral song for your cousin! Yeah! No wonder he's dead."

"UH! Just what is that supposed to mean?"

The audience sipped their sodas contentedly.

"'Just what is that supposed to mean'," Faramir mimicked. Meanwhile, Legolas' fangirls were ignoring the little spatz, instead discussing the pros and cons of 'mega-volume conditioner' as opposed to 'super-volume shampoo plus' as the two hair products related to Legolas' tresses. Much more interesting topics, don't you think?

"You know what? You're a smart girl Eowyn I think you know what that means!"

"Oooh!" she screeched, "I'm leaving!"

Frodo, having been searching for a pause so that he might affirm Faramir's answer, choose that seemingly opportune moment to do so. "Aragorn is indeed the correct answer."

Eowyn's eyes widened as she stomped passed the podium and kicked it, missing the stand and instead connecting with Frodo's ankle causing him to trip and knock his head on the podium, which happened to be made of solid wood. He collapsed to the floor. Not such an opportune moment after all, I think you'll agree.

"Woah," said Boromir taking in the scene. "Déjà vu."

"Tell me about it," said Denethor "I remember this one time, when your mother decided that…uh…never mind."

Gandalf walked over to Frodo and whispered a few words over him. Then, he loudly proclaimed "By the power vested in me, brother Frodo, be healed!"

Boromir cocked an eyebrow. "Does Frodo even have a brother?" he asked. Denethor sighed, rolled his eyes and sank a little lower in his seat.

Frodo rose his head a little, seeming dazed. "Oh, my aching head…" he croaked and slumped back to the ground, eyes closed once more.

"Uh oh," said Gandalf. Saruman snickered.

"Frodo?" Denethor asked. "Are you okay?"

"Obviously not, oh brilliant one," Saruman offered condescendingly.

"Shut up!" Faramir said, turning to Saruman. "Leave him alone!"

Denethor's eyes twitched. "Nobody loves me," he mumbled to no one in particular.

"Dad…I love you!" Faramir offered. Denethor smiled.

"I love you, too!" offered Saruman.

"Really?" inquired Denethor.

"No!" laughed Saruman.

Denethor contracted his eyebrows menacingly.

"Shut up!" Faramir repeated.

Denethor looked wounded.

"Dad…I wasn't talking to you! I was talking to Mr. Sarcasm over there," Faramir said, jerking a thumb towards Saruman.

"Oh," Denethor observed.

"Who me?" queried Saruman, grinning toothily, before falling to the floor.

Eomer sniffed and uncurled his fist. "My sensitivity only goes so far," he said to the now unconscious Saruman. Lothiriel swooned.

"Uh, if Frodo doesn't wake up soon, we don't get paid! Again!" Aragorn offered.

"FRODO, WAKE UP!" everyone shouted together. Money—the great equalizer.

"Who can help us now?" asked Gimli.

"He has fallen into shadow" offered Arwen, channeling her grandmother.

"SAM!" Aragorn exclaimed.

"Did someone call for me?" asked Samwise, peeking around the corner.

"Yes! Come help us wake up Frodo!" implored Legolas.

"Wait," said Boromir, looking at Sam, "what are you doing here?"

"Saving the day," Sam observed. "Hey, Frodo! I've got some delicious, free ale if you wake up right now!"

Silence.

"He's not faking," Sam offered.

"Now what?" inquired Lothiriel.

"Watch," returned Gandalf.

Sam pulled out his frying pan and deftly knocked Frodo over the head with it.

"I bet he's wanted to do that for a while," Boromir commented to Faramir, who chuckled.

"Woah!" Frodo sat up suddenly.

"See…works every time!" proclaimed Sam.

"I had a really weird dream!" Frodo exclaimed. Saruman groaned from his place on the floor.

"Want me to wake him up, too?" he proffered.

"Uh no," Denethor said, "He's fine as he is."

Everyone quickly agreed.

Sam nodded knowingly. "Gotcha. Well…see you all later then."

"So," Frodo began, "What are you guys doing again?"

"Waiting," offered Eomer.

"For…" Frodo asked.

"The third question."

"Oh, that. Right. First, we're getting rid of him," Frodo said, pointing to Saruman who was beginning to stir.

"But then we won't have twelve players!" Arwen declared, ever the voice of reason.

"Right....." Frodo bit his lip, deep in thought.

"One of us could play!" The red-head squealed.

Frodo chuckled nervously. "I don't think so."

"Well, its not like he's not still here! Its his fault he got knocked out! Nobody complained about the rules when Eowyn left. Just as she has forfeited her right to play by leaving in anger, so did Saruman when he opened his sarcastic mouth and let out his words without thought of the consequences."

Everyone stared at Boromir.

"I think that is the most logical thing I have ever heard you say," exclaimed Faramir to his brother. Boromir beamed.

"Well…," said Frodo. "Sounds good to me! Alright…third question. Who does Eowyn marry?"

Eowyn peeked around the corner and fixed Faramir with a long, hard look.

"I knew you didn't go far," he mouthed silently to her while pressing his beeper.

"She married the handsome, strong, wonderful, son of Denethor. Namely, me. Faramir." Faramir responded, eyes never leaving Eowyn's face. Eowyn was trying her best not to smile.

"Uh correct," offered Frodo, hiding behind the podium as Eowyn walked back into the room.

"Apologies, my friend," Eowyn offered to Frodo. "I meant to kick the podium and I was pretending it was his head," she continued pointing to Faramir. "Forgive me."

Frodo nodded but stopped abruptly, face frozen in what appeared to be shock.

"Uh, are you okay?" asked Eowyn.

"Yeah…but this…this is the first game we've ever gotten to three questions! WE DID IT!"

Everyone cheered.

"Sure," Pippin exclaimed, turning to the hobbit on his right, "the show we're not invited to be a contestant or host of, everyone actually gets paid."

"What a world," Merry offered.

"I even saved the day!" Sam sighed.

"But you showed up!" Frodo exclaimed. "You can have money, too!" The crowds seemed to rejoice along with Those Who Would Be Paid.

"Let's celebrate! I know just the place, guys," Pippin began.

"Hold up," interjected Aragorn. "QUIET PLEASE!" he proclaimed, using his best King Voice To Make 'Em Shut Up And Listen©. I am hosting an after-party in…half an hour or so. All contestants and/or hosts from any of the episodes are invited to attend. Thank you."

Eowyn sidled up next to Faramir, head hanging. "Faramir, I didn't—"

"Its okay," he interrupted her, "It is I who should apologize."

Unfortunately for his weak stomach, Saruman chose that moment to finally awaken and found himself gazing up at a now kissing Faramir and Eowyn.

"Ugh…gag me and drown me in the Anduin¹!" he exclaimed.

Denethor turned to him, offering him a hand so he could stand up. "That, my friend, can be arranged." A look of horror flitted over the wizard's face. "Legolas, Boromir, Gandalf" Denethor continued, turning to those on his left. "Shall we?"

"It would be a pleasure, my lord," offered Legolas. Boromir grinned. Gandalf smiled slowly.

"No wait!" exclaimed Saruman as they began dragging him away. "I'm sorry!"

"Sarcasm, my friends, is like a one-legged horse: You can use it if you want, but it sure isn't gonna take you where you want to go.²" Aragorn offered sagely.

Everyone laughed.

"Well folks" Frodo declared before the audience, "That's the end of our show!" He winked once more as the curtains closed to the sounds of much applause and laughter and good spirited moshing.


1. Simply Sara's Original Saying™ Number One © 2003

2. Simply Sara's Original Saying™ Number Two © 2004

Use them, spread them, make them appear in quote anthologies. ;D


Wow…I don't think any chapter has yet been this long. Or this funny. IMHO.

Hope you enjoyed!

COMING SOON: The After Party!


.::Reviewer Response Corner::.

Celias23 Well, this chapter certainly is longer than the others! Longer chapters usually are better, aren't they? : ) Eomer, Boromir, and Faramir, huh? I can't say that I blame you there! They're three of my favorites, too. I'm really glad you like our story and are amused! Your reviews are deeply appreciated! D Here's to hoping you stay amused!

Erestor As a fellow fan of good sarcasm, I can't agree with you more. Saruman is quite a trip, isn't he? Sam is a very likeable guy. A Sam-fan filled audience is always a good thing I say. Stupid/fat/ugly Sam isn't my cup of tea either. I have informed Frodo that Boromir isn't stupid. He laughed long and hard until he realized I was serious. Then he apologized. Hope you liked this chapter, too! Btw, I can't wait to read all those chapters of Elves of the Third Age I've missed! Every time I get an update notice in my inbox I cringe in anticipation. It seems I've no time to really sit down and read fanfiction anymore since school started. Things usually settle down after a month or so, thankfully, so we'll see if I can't find a way to make the time.

IrethAncalime3791 Perhaps Saruman's sarcasm in this chapter made up for his lack in chapter 3? fingers crossed Glad you loved the third part! And I agree, Boromir is a real scream : ). Denethor and Frodo fighting: Who woulda thunk it? I like the "rabid-quadruped-Gandalf-running-for-his-life bit myself. "Loved every second"…music to our ears! :D

Sarah Glad to have a new reader! Pleased to know you like it. Pyro-Denethor is rather amusing, I agree, as long as the author isn't being too serious. Which you have no fear of from my sister and I in this story! : ) Boromir and Faramir are your favorites? Wouldn't say that I can blame you for that! : ) I wouldn't call this updating soon, but it was just about as quick as we could manage.

Lindariel H. The funniest fanfic you've read so far? We are deeply flattered and honored! :D Here's some more!

Noldo Ah…I take no offence about the errors…in fact I like it! It helps me out immensely not to mention knocking me down a few pegs, which I always feel I can use…D. Aragorn and Arwen. Lothiriel and Eomer. My sister and I have made both couples rather soppy, I think, although Aragorn and Arwen are the worst. 'Pookie', eh? Well, I'm afraid it didn't quite make it into this episode, but perhaps the after party? I shall say something to my sister on the subject. I'm sure she'll laugh! About pyro-Denethor: I, too, find him more true and appealing in "Fallaciously Framed" which was more of a real story than this, I think. Here…everyone's a bit on the OOC side, so I thought, 'Hey, why not poke a little fun?' However, when dear old Denethor gets portrayed as a pyro and/or a evil & soulless megalomaniac and the author is being even remotely serious, I have a tendency to get quite miffed. It seems Denethor usually gets the (very) short end of the stick in most fanfiction, much to my chagrin. Didn't want you to think I hated him or something. When I read your review of chapter 3 I laughed out loud! "Some people's mental capacity" indeed! LOL Glad you found it to be a sublime description. Nothing else seemed to quite capture that growling sound I was envisioning in my head.


THANK YOU THANK YOU THANK YOU THANK YOU THANK YOU THANK YOU…

…ALL for reading! We hope you continue to enjoy this story. If it wasn't for you guys this story would have never made it past chapter one.

Oh…and for all you fans of "Fallaciously Framed!" out there, stay tuned for its sequel. The first chapter is coming October 2004 to a webpage near you!

God bless,

Sara & Dene4