C.C. McKenna
Chapter four Guilt
Phoebe was outside the University building, she was sitting under a tree listening to some Psychology notes and waiting for one of her sisters to pick her up. The afternoon was warm, maybe too warm for her own fondness, but she was enjoying it greatly. and the soft wind played softly with her loose hair. She was relishing her loneliness and the tranquility of that special moment. She had her headphones on and was really concentrated in that particular class; She loved Psychology, in fact, she treasured Psychology; and now even more than ever, because she was trying to deal with her lack of sight. She was trying to understand the mystery behind it; no shrinks, no therapies, no doctors. "Carl Rogers's theory is built on a single force of life; he calls it the actualizing tendency. It can be defined as the built-in motivation present in every life-form to develop its potentials to the fullest extent possible" She repeated after the voice. She was so immersed in her notes to even notice the frightened girl that was being cruelly beaten just a few steps away from her.
She took off the headphones for a little while and was startled by a sudden painful scream. Phoebe was concerned; she wanted to find out what was going on but remained frozen, trying to figure out whom those girls were.
"I thought I told you to keep your British ass away from my boyfriend" Leslie slapped Alexia's face violently, she winced again but refrained herself from screaming.
"I did not do anything, I swear; he is the one that is always bothering me, harassing me, following me around" Alexia desperately cried. "You have got to believe me!"
"Don't play innocent with me" Leslie slapped her again; her hair quickly covered half her face at the sudden sway. Alexia's lips started bleeding but she slowly wiped them with the back of her hand; She wanted to get away from that place but she knew it was impossible. Leslie's friends were standing guard on her side, menacing, blocking the way, but she was too scared to try to run away from them anyway.
Phoebe flinched at the sound of a loud slap but remained quiet; listening to the girls' Argument.
"I am telling you the truth" Alexia slowly cleared the hair off her face and hopelessly lowered her head. Her body started trembling involuntarily.
"Shut up; don't talk back to me unless I say so" Leslie raised Alexia's chin and forced her to look at her. "Do you understand?" Alexia nodded. "Good!" Leslie pushed her against a tree and Alexia released a painful cry. Phoebe closed her eyes tightly, flinching at the cruel slapping sounds and the painful muffled screams; and suddenly felt the urge of helping that girl, but she knew it was not possible; something kept her in place, forbidding her free will to act in response. Jealousy...perhaps.
"Give me your bag!" Leslie shouted and placed her elbow on Alexia's throat to hold her back. "This is going to cost you" she chuckled.
"But, please, You can not do this to me again" Alexia started crying softly. "This is the second time this month you take my money away and I need it; ..I can't just bloody ask my father to send more money every time you steel it from me"
"Shut up!" Leslie grabbed Alexia's shoulders and pushed her violently against a wall. Alexia gasped for air and placed her hands on her chest; trying very hard to breath. She didn't know if her lack of air was because of the harsh slamming of her back or because of the panic attack she was experiencing. Phoebe could easily hear the girl was almost starting to hyperventilate.
"And if I ever catch you with my boyfriend again I'm going to kill you!" Leslie kicked Alexia's ankle, knowing perfectly well that the legs were gold dust for a soccer player. "Did you understand Lexie? Alexia again, just nodded; the pain she was experiencing was too much for her to handle and she was more frightened than she'd ever been in her life before.
"I said... did you understand?!" Leslie kicked her foot again.
"Y...es" Alexia softly managed to answer while she painfully fought to keep her knees from buckling. She took a deep breath and tried to hold Leslie's frantic gaze for a short while.
"Good, here's your bag" Leslie dropped it on the ground, beside her. "I'm going to need more of these soon" She waved the money on Alexia's face; forcing her to look the other way. "Ok?" Leslie smirked and turned Alexia's face until her brown eyes connected with Alexia's deep dark green's. Alexia shut her eyes and nodded; but released a painful yes before Leslie tried to hurt her again.
Phoebe listened to the girls leaving and wanted to help but something inside stopped her. She shook her head as she grabbed her things; her heart was fretfully trying to tell her something but her mind overcame her feelings. She slowly got up from the grass and started scanning the place with her cane. She walked slowly and couldn't avoid listening to the girl's hurting whimpers, but still, she didn't stop. Alexia finally fell on her knees and slowly opened her eyes but only to find the indifference and the coldness on Phoebe's face; She slowly closed them back again, tightly, coughing her pain away. She was now sure that she wasn't going to get any help from Phoebe Halliwell; not now, not ever.
-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-
"What's going on sweetie?" Piper swooped herself on the sofa, almost on top of her sister and grabbed her hand to kiss it.
"Piper, you startled me" Phoebe whined.
"You are very absorbed in your thoughts; is everything ok?"
"Yeah...it's something that's been hanging around inside my head since yesterday" Phoebe bent down her head and ran her fingers through her hair. The longer she thought about that, the guiltier she felt. "How could I?" She said to herself and shook her head as if with that action, those made- up images she unwillingly pictured inside her head would just go away but they remained; no matter what she tried, those images kept taunting her. She tightened her eyes and those screams, that mean laughter, the girl's cry, were still there, lingering and banging inside her mind.
"Phoebe?...What is it sweetie? Piper lifted her sister's face and softly caressed her cheek. "You are too far away, and I'm a good listener, you know that, don't you?"
Phoebe sighed and slightly shook her head, with an almost unnoticeable attempt to hide her thoughts from Piper. "You can't; no body can't; it's something I did, or rather didn't do...my God Piper, I feel so awful!"
"Phoebe, now you're scaring me" Piper straightened herself up on the sofa and took her sister's face between her hands. "What's going on? Did someone hurt you?"
"No" Her answer was cold and distant.
"Phoebe...I'm lost here, try to be more explicit" She tucked some hair behind her sister's ear and gently stroked her cheek with the back of her hand.
"It's just that yesterday while I was waiting for you guys to pick me up, I witnessed how Leslie and some of her friends were hurting a girl, and...and I didn't do anything about it"
"I don't understand" Piper looked intently into her sister's unblinking eyes. "But if you didn't do something to help that girl, then I'm sure there's a perfectly good explanation for that"
"Explanation? You want an explanation? Do you really think there's a reason for acting the way I did? I am ashamed of myself! I'm ashamed of my prudish and selfish behavior; and you should be ashamed of me as well"
"Oh baby; of course I'm not ashamed of you, ,...how could I?...and besides, what could you have done? You were, no, let me rephrase that, .....you are! in no position to risk yourself"
"Oh Piper!" Phoebe hastily sprung up and walked a few steps away from her. "That is so not the point; what matters here is that I didn't do anything to help her, and, ...and not because I couldn't.........I didn't help her just because..." Phoebe walked a few steps away from her sister and gently rubbed her temples to jostle away the sharp guilty pain inside her head. " Because I didn't want to" She lowered her head to the floor with shyness.
"It's ok baby" Piper approached her sister and gently wrapped her arms around her from behind. "Try to forget about it; I know it can't be done that easily, but you can try; hey...was it really that bad?"
"Oooohh...yes, believe me, ...it was, they hurt her, they were mean to her, and...and cruel"
"Stop it Phoebe; you're not being fair to yourself" Piper turned around her sister and gently wiped the tears from her face.
"You are right, I am not being fair to myself, and I wasn't fair to that girl either" Phoebe tried to loose herself from her sister's hold.
"Who is that girl anyway?" Piper tightened her grip and stopped her from sneaking away.
"She took my place on the team, but you don't know her, hell, I don't even know her myself"
"Is that the reason why you didn't help her?; because you were...or ...are jealous of her?
"Phoebe opened her eyes wide in shock; at first she felt like if Piper was way beyond her words, trying to make her feel guiltier than she already was, but then she realized that she was just being honest. "I don't know Piper.....I wish I could respond to that question, but I don't even know the answer my self." Phoebe shut her eyes with a sigh and struggled free from her sister's grip. "I need to be alone"
"But"
"Please Piper, I'll be in my room"
"Ok, but I'll be with you later" Piper sighed and unwillingly allowed her sister to bail out.
"Whatever" Phoebe hastily headed upstairs and carelessly bumped on the sofa; she grabbed her knee and rubbed it, but she didn't even hiss, she kept going, limping her way to her room. "Somebody moved the freaking furniture!" She groaned.
Tbc
Chapter four Guilt
Phoebe was outside the University building, she was sitting under a tree listening to some Psychology notes and waiting for one of her sisters to pick her up. The afternoon was warm, maybe too warm for her own fondness, but she was enjoying it greatly. and the soft wind played softly with her loose hair. She was relishing her loneliness and the tranquility of that special moment. She had her headphones on and was really concentrated in that particular class; She loved Psychology, in fact, she treasured Psychology; and now even more than ever, because she was trying to deal with her lack of sight. She was trying to understand the mystery behind it; no shrinks, no therapies, no doctors. "Carl Rogers's theory is built on a single force of life; he calls it the actualizing tendency. It can be defined as the built-in motivation present in every life-form to develop its potentials to the fullest extent possible" She repeated after the voice. She was so immersed in her notes to even notice the frightened girl that was being cruelly beaten just a few steps away from her.
She took off the headphones for a little while and was startled by a sudden painful scream. Phoebe was concerned; she wanted to find out what was going on but remained frozen, trying to figure out whom those girls were.
"I thought I told you to keep your British ass away from my boyfriend" Leslie slapped Alexia's face violently, she winced again but refrained herself from screaming.
"I did not do anything, I swear; he is the one that is always bothering me, harassing me, following me around" Alexia desperately cried. "You have got to believe me!"
"Don't play innocent with me" Leslie slapped her again; her hair quickly covered half her face at the sudden sway. Alexia's lips started bleeding but she slowly wiped them with the back of her hand; She wanted to get away from that place but she knew it was impossible. Leslie's friends were standing guard on her side, menacing, blocking the way, but she was too scared to try to run away from them anyway.
Phoebe flinched at the sound of a loud slap but remained quiet; listening to the girls' Argument.
"I am telling you the truth" Alexia slowly cleared the hair off her face and hopelessly lowered her head. Her body started trembling involuntarily.
"Shut up; don't talk back to me unless I say so" Leslie raised Alexia's chin and forced her to look at her. "Do you understand?" Alexia nodded. "Good!" Leslie pushed her against a tree and Alexia released a painful cry. Phoebe closed her eyes tightly, flinching at the cruel slapping sounds and the painful muffled screams; and suddenly felt the urge of helping that girl, but she knew it was not possible; something kept her in place, forbidding her free will to act in response. Jealousy...perhaps.
"Give me your bag!" Leslie shouted and placed her elbow on Alexia's throat to hold her back. "This is going to cost you" she chuckled.
"But, please, You can not do this to me again" Alexia started crying softly. "This is the second time this month you take my money away and I need it; ..I can't just bloody ask my father to send more money every time you steel it from me"
"Shut up!" Leslie grabbed Alexia's shoulders and pushed her violently against a wall. Alexia gasped for air and placed her hands on her chest; trying very hard to breath. She didn't know if her lack of air was because of the harsh slamming of her back or because of the panic attack she was experiencing. Phoebe could easily hear the girl was almost starting to hyperventilate.
"And if I ever catch you with my boyfriend again I'm going to kill you!" Leslie kicked Alexia's ankle, knowing perfectly well that the legs were gold dust for a soccer player. "Did you understand Lexie? Alexia again, just nodded; the pain she was experiencing was too much for her to handle and she was more frightened than she'd ever been in her life before.
"I said... did you understand?!" Leslie kicked her foot again.
"Y...es" Alexia softly managed to answer while she painfully fought to keep her knees from buckling. She took a deep breath and tried to hold Leslie's frantic gaze for a short while.
"Good, here's your bag" Leslie dropped it on the ground, beside her. "I'm going to need more of these soon" She waved the money on Alexia's face; forcing her to look the other way. "Ok?" Leslie smirked and turned Alexia's face until her brown eyes connected with Alexia's deep dark green's. Alexia shut her eyes and nodded; but released a painful yes before Leslie tried to hurt her again.
Phoebe listened to the girls leaving and wanted to help but something inside stopped her. She shook her head as she grabbed her things; her heart was fretfully trying to tell her something but her mind overcame her feelings. She slowly got up from the grass and started scanning the place with her cane. She walked slowly and couldn't avoid listening to the girl's hurting whimpers, but still, she didn't stop. Alexia finally fell on her knees and slowly opened her eyes but only to find the indifference and the coldness on Phoebe's face; She slowly closed them back again, tightly, coughing her pain away. She was now sure that she wasn't going to get any help from Phoebe Halliwell; not now, not ever.
-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-
"What's going on sweetie?" Piper swooped herself on the sofa, almost on top of her sister and grabbed her hand to kiss it.
"Piper, you startled me" Phoebe whined.
"You are very absorbed in your thoughts; is everything ok?"
"Yeah...it's something that's been hanging around inside my head since yesterday" Phoebe bent down her head and ran her fingers through her hair. The longer she thought about that, the guiltier she felt. "How could I?" She said to herself and shook her head as if with that action, those made- up images she unwillingly pictured inside her head would just go away but they remained; no matter what she tried, those images kept taunting her. She tightened her eyes and those screams, that mean laughter, the girl's cry, were still there, lingering and banging inside her mind.
"Phoebe?...What is it sweetie? Piper lifted her sister's face and softly caressed her cheek. "You are too far away, and I'm a good listener, you know that, don't you?"
Phoebe sighed and slightly shook her head, with an almost unnoticeable attempt to hide her thoughts from Piper. "You can't; no body can't; it's something I did, or rather didn't do...my God Piper, I feel so awful!"
"Phoebe, now you're scaring me" Piper straightened herself up on the sofa and took her sister's face between her hands. "What's going on? Did someone hurt you?"
"No" Her answer was cold and distant.
"Phoebe...I'm lost here, try to be more explicit" She tucked some hair behind her sister's ear and gently stroked her cheek with the back of her hand.
"It's just that yesterday while I was waiting for you guys to pick me up, I witnessed how Leslie and some of her friends were hurting a girl, and...and I didn't do anything about it"
"I don't understand" Piper looked intently into her sister's unblinking eyes. "But if you didn't do something to help that girl, then I'm sure there's a perfectly good explanation for that"
"Explanation? You want an explanation? Do you really think there's a reason for acting the way I did? I am ashamed of myself! I'm ashamed of my prudish and selfish behavior; and you should be ashamed of me as well"
"Oh baby; of course I'm not ashamed of you, ,...how could I?...and besides, what could you have done? You were, no, let me rephrase that, .....you are! in no position to risk yourself"
"Oh Piper!" Phoebe hastily sprung up and walked a few steps away from her. "That is so not the point; what matters here is that I didn't do anything to help her, and, ...and not because I couldn't.........I didn't help her just because..." Phoebe walked a few steps away from her sister and gently rubbed her temples to jostle away the sharp guilty pain inside her head. " Because I didn't want to" She lowered her head to the floor with shyness.
"It's ok baby" Piper approached her sister and gently wrapped her arms around her from behind. "Try to forget about it; I know it can't be done that easily, but you can try; hey...was it really that bad?"
"Oooohh...yes, believe me, ...it was, they hurt her, they were mean to her, and...and cruel"
"Stop it Phoebe; you're not being fair to yourself" Piper turned around her sister and gently wiped the tears from her face.
"You are right, I am not being fair to myself, and I wasn't fair to that girl either" Phoebe tried to loose herself from her sister's hold.
"Who is that girl anyway?" Piper tightened her grip and stopped her from sneaking away.
"She took my place on the team, but you don't know her, hell, I don't even know her myself"
"Is that the reason why you didn't help her?; because you were...or ...are jealous of her?
"Phoebe opened her eyes wide in shock; at first she felt like if Piper was way beyond her words, trying to make her feel guiltier than she already was, but then she realized that she was just being honest. "I don't know Piper.....I wish I could respond to that question, but I don't even know the answer my self." Phoebe shut her eyes with a sigh and struggled free from her sister's grip. "I need to be alone"
"But"
"Please Piper, I'll be in my room"
"Ok, but I'll be with you later" Piper sighed and unwillingly allowed her sister to bail out.
"Whatever" Phoebe hastily headed upstairs and carelessly bumped on the sofa; she grabbed her knee and rubbed it, but she didn't even hiss, she kept going, limping her way to her room. "Somebody moved the freaking furniture!" She groaned.
Tbc
