It was true that I hadn't exactly felt like I was at full strength the past couple days; I figured maybe I just wasn't getting enough sleep, or I was coming down with something. Sure enough, not long after I started feeling sick, my neighbors all started coming down with the flu. The woman who lived right next door to me, Tilda -- whom I'd also known as a kid, before the second Kanto quake – got it especially bad. Me, I usually try to keep away from sick people so I don't get sick myself, unless it's a sick kid. Can't help but feel sorry for a kid with a fever of a hundred-and-two. But Tilda, I dunno…something in me wanted to help her out, and despite the well-known fact I was not exactly a chef, I managed to make a pot of soup and take it next door to her place.
"I bet you're just trying to get me to stop keeping you up at night with my praying to the porcelain god," she quipped, sipping her soup.
"Nobody likes being sick," I admitted. "And 'sides, I'm sick too, it's not like I'd get any sicker coming over here."
Tilda chuckled. "I appreciate your help, Priscilla. I'll be sure to return the favor."
"I don't need any."
"Not right now, perhaps, but later on."
I shrugged and played along. "Right, ok."
The next morning, before I could even roll out of bed, I was overcome with a huge wave of nausea making its way up my throat. I leaped out of bed and ran to the bathroom, barely making it to the toilet in time. I stuck my head in there and puked for five or ten minutes straight.
Damn, try to do something nice for a neighbor, and this happens! Gee, thank you, karma!
When I was finally done, I slumped against the side of the bathtub, sweat making my bangs stick to my forehead. I felt SO much better now, the calm after the storm, I suppose. But my body resisted any attempt to rise from its present position, so I sat there for a while, the taste of vomit still on my tongue. Then, when I remembered I had some mouthwash in the cupboard, I crawled over to the one under the sink, grabbed the bottle, and took in a mouthful of the minty-tasting stuff. I swished it around in my mouth, spat in the toilet, then took in another mouthful and spat that out too. After flushing the toilet, I slowly got to my feet and rinsed my mouth out properly.
I shook my head in disbelief as I saw how white my face was when I looked in the mirror. I'd been sick before, had the flu more times than I cared to remember, but I could never recall being sick like this. Unfortunately, for the next week or so, the bathroom ritual became routine. Run to the bathroom, empty my stomach, rinse with mouthwash…ugh. After the second or third day I learned to keep the bottle of mouthwash out so I wouldn't have to crawl to the cupboard to get it. Stubborn bug this was!
I didn't think much of the fact that besides my puking sessions in the morning, I'd feel great for the rest of the day. Hell, if someone spent their morning puking their guts out, I bet they'd feel great for the rest of the day too! One day when I felt ravenous for some steak, I invited Linna out for lunch at a local steakhouse, my treat. She accepted, of course; she'd never turn down a meal ticket. The meal took a strange turn, though, when she noticed that I was sick. I felt fine though, so the question was a little startling.
"You look kinda pale," she noted, shoving her fork in her mouth. "Are you ok?"
"Yeah, fine," I said, shaking off the initial shock. I'd just about cleaned my plate; who would think I was sick? "Just been having the flu for the past few days."
"The flu, huh? Have you thrown up at all?"
Hello?! I have the flu, of course I've been throwing up!!
"In the mornings. Why?"
Before Linna could get an answer out of her mouth, I felt that familiar wave of nausea attack me again. I wasn't used to it coming in the afternoon, so I wasn't expecting it at all. I didn't even have time to excuse myself before I jumped out of my seat and ran straight for the bathroom, promptly giving my just-eaten lunch to the toilet. As good as that lunch had been, it definitely didn't taste as good coming up as it did going down.
I heard steps behind me, and knew it had to be Linna. "A 'flu,' huh?" she asked, her voice echoing in the empty bathroom. "When was the last time you got your period?"
"My per—" I started to say, then shook my head as I thought. Come to think of it…I hadn't paid much attention to that at all. Compared with the other shit going on, something like that was just…trivial. "Haven't been paying attention. Why the hell are you asking about that, anyway?" Some subject change that was, from a flu to my menstrual cycle! What was she thinking?
"Well, if you've missed one, there's another possibility besides a little bug."
Ah. So that's what she was getting at. As sick as I felt right now, I had to fight the urge to laugh out loud. "Wh… You're KIDDING me!" I exclaimed, finally letting out a laugh, a nervous one. But why? I didn't have any reason to be nervous…or at least I didn't think I had one. "Are you suggesting I'm pregnant?"
"Look, if you think you've been fooling me, you're wrong. You don't think that I've noticed you walking around in pain, and the bruises that you tried covering up with make-up? Priss, I used to be a dancer. I know all the tricks people can play with make-up. What happened?"
Damn. She was better than I gave her credit for.
"N…nothing happened!" I retorted. "I just got into a fight!" It was the truth, and I was known to get into my share of fights. No reason to lie about it. Linna didn't really look like she believed me, though. But it WAS the truth, even if I was only telling part of it. The other details weren't important.
"Just a fight?" she said sadly, gazing at me as if she was feeling sorry for me. That pissed me off; I didn't need anybody feeling sorry for me! "I don't know if I can believe that. Those wounds, plus the fact you've been throwing up in the mornings…." She trailed off for a brief moment. "It's been about three months, right?"
What the fuck is she saying?! That's impossible!
"I don't want to hear this!" I declared, standing up. I wiped my mouth with some toilet paper, tossed it in the toilet, and strode right past Linna and out of the restaurant. Coincidence…that's all it was. Me not remembering when I got my last period, that 'incident' a few months ago… Hell, with me being so damn stressed out lately, no wonder I couldn't keep anything straight! I drove away before Linna had a chance to catch up with me, and although I inadvertently stuck her with the bill in the process, that was the last thing on my mind.
I didn't head straight home, though. After I was on the highway for a while, I pulled off to the side of the road, and not to enjoy the scenery, either, unless you consider pollution-stained buildings to be picturesque. I whipped out the half-empty pack of cigarettes that I still hadn't given back to Sylia, and took out another one. I lit it and took a long drag out of it, then exhaled, watching the plume of smoke dance in front of my face. As it vanished, I took another drag on the cigarette and blew more smoke in front of me. Hmph…that's what my life had seemed to become lately, something that went up in smoke. But there were many other times I felt like it'd done just that; how did I know I couldn't rebuild it just like I'd done before?
I would and I could; I was determined of that. But as Linna later proved, I would have to adjust my plans a little bit.
"Oh, this again," I grumbled.
The day after I walked out on her at the restaurant, Linna had decided to pay a surprise visit to my apartment. She had pulled a pregnancy test from her purse and waved it in front of my face.
"Look," she said, "you're the only one who knows if this is possible. So just go into the bathroom and take the test."
I stood there with my hands on my hips, refusing to take the test she held out to me. "I don't need to piss on a stick to know the test'll come up negative," I asserted.
"To put your mind at ease, please. I know that you think it's possible. Just looking at you gives it away."
I could feel my eyebrow twitch. Why did she have to be so damn persistent? May as well pacify her, I figured… I snatched the thing from her hand. "If it'll make you get off my ass about it, fine. Be right back."
I turned on my heels and strode to the bathroom, determined to just get this thing over with. I knew it was gonna turn out negative; why didn't Linna believe me? I guess I would have to prove her wrong. Once in the bathroom, I snatched a paper cup, filled it with water, then slammed it down. I repeated the process about five times before it felt like my bladder was gonna burst. I opened the box, took out the test, then sat down on the toilet with my pants down and peed on the stick like the directions on the box told me to do. I flushed and stood up, looking at the test once the requisite minute or so had passed, and I swore my body went numb as soon as I saw the results.
Two lines.
Did that mean what I thought it meant? I read the box again to see what two lines meant, then looked at the test, then the box again. A mistake! A goddamned mistake! It HAD to be!! I even shook the stick several times, but the two lines stared me in the face the same as before. I blinked several times, wondering if I had double vision, but…damned if they weren't still there.
One line, I'd be in the clear…but two, that's…that's impossible. No, no, I'm…I'm not…I can't be… Oh…God… He did it…he really… I have a part of him in me…
I did the only thing I could possibly have done at that moment. I screamed.
Linna came running into the bathroom, alarmed. "What's wrong?!" she asked.
"NO!!" I screamed, punching the wall. "No!! I can't be pregnant! No way in hell!!"
"Huh?!"
"He actually got me pregnant with his kid!!" I screamed again and kicked the wall.
"You mean you're…?!"
Duh!! What do you think I just said?!
I sunk to my knees, one hand against the wall. "N…no way… I'm…I'm pregnant…" And then, I started to cry. Linna bent down and put a hand on my shoulder.
"Priss, I…I don't know what to say…"
"I can't be a mom! This wasn't…it wasn't…!"
It wasn't supposed to happen… I can't be…
"Wasn't planned?" Linna gasped. "Oh no…you mean…that 'fight' you got into…"
I nodded grimly, biting my lip. I'd lost fights before, but never with consequences like this. Of course, I'd never lost in a way like that, either, with a guy on top of me…
"You…you were raped?"
My body jerked at hearing that word. I never wanted that word to apply to me. I never thought it would, ever. I mean, this was ME that we were talking about! Nene seemed more the type who'd be ambushed by a stranger, not…not me…
"Announce it to the world, why dontcha," I said, my voice choking.
"Who was it?" she asked sternly, putting both hands on my shoulders. "Who did it?!"
"What does it matter now?!" I snapped, wiping away the tears from my face. "It's not gonna change a damn thing! I'm having his kid!!"
"Priss, you have to make him responsible for what he's done! It won't do any good to keep it bottled up!"
Right…like I could ask a bastard like that for child support…ain't gonna happen…
"What would you know?" I croaked, breaking down again. I couldn't speak any more after that; I was too busy crying. Linna seemed like she knew better than to push the issue, 'cause all she did after that was hug me and hold me close to her. I wasn't used to that sort of body contact, and at first I tried to pull away, but I ended up staying where I was.
I couldn't just open up about something like this; the media, for one, would swarm upon me and my bandmates like vultures, wondering who was the father, if one of THEM was the father. And if they found out the truth, I knew I'd be on the front cover of every magazine and tabloid, and not for the reasons I'd want. The singer of the Replicants is bearing the child of her rapist! What now?
Well, to that, you know what I'd say? "Fuck you!"
And hell…'MY' rapist? No, he wasn't 'my' anything…just a sperm donor as far as I was concerned, except I wasn't exactly a willing recipient. And that led to another question that I could not ignore:
If Boomers started coming out again and the Knight Sabers were forced to go back into battle, what the hell was I supposed to do? I was pregnant now, and although I didn't know much about pregnancy, I knew that I wouldn't be able to fight while in that sort of condition.
…And yet, at the same time, I didn't think I could bring myself to abort this kid, either, even though I didn't know about its existence until a few minutes ago. It was a child, after all; I couldn't just kill it because of who its father was. It was as much my kid as it was his. I'd be killing a part of myself.
Shit, what do I do?! I can't figure out what the right thing to do is!!
For the first time in my life, I knew I had to ask for help. And I knew exactly who I would have to turn to.
