All LoK characters belong to Crystal Dynamics and Eidos. But can you
imagine what would happen if I did own them. Bwah ha ha.
In case some of you were wondering, yes, when Malek discusses vampire weaknesses he's quoting Raziel from Soul Reaver. Razzy just said it so nicely that I couldn't resist putting it in. Here's the 2nd chapter to "Sarafan In-training". Enjoy.
Raziel and his brethren have been soldiers of the Sarafan Army for a week now and have been through the equivalent of "boot camp" for Sarafan warriors. Right now Turel is on sentry duty night shift...
Turel: ZZZZZZ...
Suddenly, someone knocks on the large wooden gateway of the Stronghold.
Turel: (Wakes up.) Hunh? Who goes there?
He opens the door just enough to see who it is. The man behind it appears to be in his late teens and is very battle-worn and bloody. He looks as if to be armed with a large assortment of weapons and has a sword & shield strapped to his back. He is wearing a green tunic.
Stranger: Please, Help me!
Turel: Whoa! What happened to you?
Stranger: I-I was fighting some Octorocks and was winning but then it got dark and some Redeads joined the fight. They depleted my health and magic power. I'm also all out of weapons. Please, grant me asylum.
Turel: Sure, I'd love to help you. But... uh... I'll need some monetary compensation.
Stranger: You mean a bribe? Of course! Here! Take all of it!
He pours a handful of gems into Turel's hands. He examines them suspiciously.
Turel: Rupees? You've got to be kidding me. This may cut it in Hyrule, but here in Nosgoth it ain't worth squat. Goodbye.
He begins to close the door.
Stranger: No! Please! Let me in!
Turel: Sorry pal. No money, no sanctuary.
Now we can only hear his voice through the door.
Stranger: But... Oh god. They're coming back! No!! Stay away from me! Hurk! It hurts! Aaaaarrrrrrrgggh!
He continues to scream for five minutes. Afterwards, we can only hear the muffled sound of eating noises.
Turel: Well it's about time. I thought he would never shut up.
Just then, Malek walks by.
Malek: Who was that at the door?
Turel: Just some homeless guy. I shooed him away though.
Malek: Good man. You know our policy about taking in beggars.
Turel: Yessir.
Malek: By the way, after breakfast tomorrow, I want you to gather your friends and meet me in the war room. There's someone I want you to meet.
Turel: I'll get right on it.
Malek leaves.
Turel: Hm. I'd better get someone to clean out that mess outside
The next day, after breakfast.
Raziel: Why did we all have to meet in here? So soon after breakfast even.
Dumah: I didn't get to finish my Cap'n Crunch!
Rahab: Like you need more sugar in your system.
Turel: I'm sure that Malek wouldn't have gathered us here unless he had a good reason.
Mechiah: Are we talking about the same guy who made stand outside for twelve hours in a rainstorm because it would "build our endurance"?
Malek walks into the room followed by a guy who looks like a walking corpse.
Malek: Hey guys. Let me introduce you to Mor-
Dumah: (Sees Mortainus) Oh my God! The dead have risen from their graves and want to devour our brains!
Zephon: In that case you should be saf-
Dumah begins to run around the room like a maniac.
Dumah: THEY HAVE COME TO RAIN FIERY APOCALIPTIC DEATH UPON US!!
Malek: How long is this going to last?
Raziel: Don't worry. He usually passes out after the first couple of minutes.
Dumah: WHY HAVE YE GODS FORSAKEN US?!?! WHYYYYYYY?!?!?
Malek: Anyways, this is Mortainus. A member of the Circle of Nine and my superior.
Turel: Glad to meet you.
Malek: He'll be giving us all of our mission objectives and will evaluate our progress.
Dumah: Zombies... all... over. Must... escape.
He collapses on the floor.
Raziel: Told ya.
Mortainus: Oh for the luv a...
he removes his "Death's head mask" revealing the Mortainus from Defiance.
Rahab: Hey... You're not really dead!
Mortainus: Nope. I just use that appearance to intimidate people.
Mechiah: You sure "intimidated" him. (Points to Dumah.)
Mortainus: Yes well, sometimes I have that effect on people.
Malek: Ahem
Mortainus: Oh right. The reason I've gathered you here is because I wasn't you to help Malek lead three Sarafan regiments in an assault against Janos Audron. Malek will give you the specifics.
Malek: We'll get right on it.
Mortainus: Oh and Malek... I just want to comment on what a fine job you've done protecting the Circle. Why, if anything were to happen to us, I'd hold you responsible. And if any of us died... Well let's just say some things are best left to the imagination
Malek: Ha ha ha! You're such a kidder!
Mortainus leaves.
Malek: Let's get down to business.
Zephon: Aren't you worried about what he said?
Malek: Nah. Mortainus has always been threatening me with eternal punishment if any of the Circle die. I ignore stuff like that all the time. Why stop now?
Raziel: Right. So what do we need to know about this "Janos Audron" character?
Malek: Well, so far no ones been able to face off with him and actually defeat him. That's because he stays high up in his retreat in the northern mountains. He never leaves so every once in a while we take a group of Sarafan up there to see if we can catch him off guard.
Turel: So no real work right.
Malek: Right.
Dumah wakes up.
Dumah: Hunh? What'd I miss.
Raziel: Not much. We were just getting ready to go.
Malek: Are there any questions before we leave?
Raziel: How large is a "regiment"?
Turel: Aren't we just glorified Nazis?
Dumah: Can I finish my cereal?
Rahab: When are we going to get assigned to an aquatic missions?
Zephon: Where are all the chicks? I've been here for a week and haven't seen any.
Mechiah: Will we be back in time for Free Hour?
Malek: (Pause.) Do you want those answered in any specific order?
Raziel: Yes, please.
Malek: About 30 soldiers.
No, we're wiping out a plague of bloodthirsty monsters.
No, breakfast is over.
Probably not for a while seeing as how vampires are weak against water.
Hiding from you.
Only if we march quickly. Does that clear things up?
Raziel: I forgot what we asked.
Malek: Let's move out.
A half hour later we can see the Sarafan regiments traveling through the mountains.
Sarafan regiments: Hi-ho! Hi-ho! It's off to work we go! To slaughter some vampires and rip out their hearts! Hi-ho! Hi-ho!
Unfortunately, we can also hear them as well.
Rahab: Damn! Why do they always have to sing that annoying tune over and over and over....
Malek: It keeps up morale. You don't want a bunch of wussy self-doubting Sarafan in the heat of battle.
Rahab: But... but... couldn't we rap instead?
Malek: Shh. We're there.
Dumah: (Loudly.) Really? Let me see!!
Malek glares at him.
Dumah: (Quietly.) Oops. Sorry. I'll be quiet.
Malek: Melchiah. Use the binoculars to see if anything's happening in the balcony.
He puts the binoculars to his face.
Mechiah: So far I don't see anyth- Wait! He's coming to the balcony... He's.... Is he mooning us?
Malek takes the binoculars and peers through them.
Malek: I believe he is. Raziel. Tell the archers to open fire on that ass.
Raziel: Right away.
Up in the balcony...
Janos: Ha ha! Suck on this Sarafan wussies! How does my ass look from down there you pieces of-
At that moment an arrow implants itself into Janos's backside.
Janos: Arrgh!
Then Vorador teleports in
Vorador: Hey Dad, I just wanted to know if- Holy mother of God! What happened?
Janos: They shot my butt! Now my butt hurts!
Vorador: Ugh. I should've stayed home today.
Back to the Sarafan...
Malek: Bull's-eye! Got one right square in the anus!
Zephon: That was a horrible sight, which I hope I am never subjected to again.
Turel: You're telling me. I think I might have to wash my eyes out with rubbing alcohol. Y'know, to sooth the burning of my mind.
Dumah: MAKE THE MENTAL IMAGES STOP!!
Raziel: From this moment onward I am swearing vengeance against Janos Audron and if I ever get the chance I will rip his black heart from his body.
Rahab: Isn't that a little severe?
Mechiah: No.
Rahab: Well if you guys ever find a way to do it count me out. I'd just as soon never come back here again.
Malek: Come on guys! Let's celebrate! It's getting a little late so I'll treat you to drinks in Coorhagen.
Raziel: Coorhagen? That's a fancy place. Let's go! I must admit. The part where Dumah runs around screaming about zombies was taken from Mortainus-bit Theater (Copyright of Brian Clevinger.) I'm sorry Brain! Forgive me!! (Begins to weep quietly.) Review and inspire to make more!
In case some of you were wondering, yes, when Malek discusses vampire weaknesses he's quoting Raziel from Soul Reaver. Razzy just said it so nicely that I couldn't resist putting it in. Here's the 2nd chapter to "Sarafan In-training". Enjoy.
Raziel and his brethren have been soldiers of the Sarafan Army for a week now and have been through the equivalent of "boot camp" for Sarafan warriors. Right now Turel is on sentry duty night shift...
Turel: ZZZZZZ...
Suddenly, someone knocks on the large wooden gateway of the Stronghold.
Turel: (Wakes up.) Hunh? Who goes there?
He opens the door just enough to see who it is. The man behind it appears to be in his late teens and is very battle-worn and bloody. He looks as if to be armed with a large assortment of weapons and has a sword & shield strapped to his back. He is wearing a green tunic.
Stranger: Please, Help me!
Turel: Whoa! What happened to you?
Stranger: I-I was fighting some Octorocks and was winning but then it got dark and some Redeads joined the fight. They depleted my health and magic power. I'm also all out of weapons. Please, grant me asylum.
Turel: Sure, I'd love to help you. But... uh... I'll need some monetary compensation.
Stranger: You mean a bribe? Of course! Here! Take all of it!
He pours a handful of gems into Turel's hands. He examines them suspiciously.
Turel: Rupees? You've got to be kidding me. This may cut it in Hyrule, but here in Nosgoth it ain't worth squat. Goodbye.
He begins to close the door.
Stranger: No! Please! Let me in!
Turel: Sorry pal. No money, no sanctuary.
Now we can only hear his voice through the door.
Stranger: But... Oh god. They're coming back! No!! Stay away from me! Hurk! It hurts! Aaaaarrrrrrrgggh!
He continues to scream for five minutes. Afterwards, we can only hear the muffled sound of eating noises.
Turel: Well it's about time. I thought he would never shut up.
Just then, Malek walks by.
Malek: Who was that at the door?
Turel: Just some homeless guy. I shooed him away though.
Malek: Good man. You know our policy about taking in beggars.
Turel: Yessir.
Malek: By the way, after breakfast tomorrow, I want you to gather your friends and meet me in the war room. There's someone I want you to meet.
Turel: I'll get right on it.
Malek leaves.
Turel: Hm. I'd better get someone to clean out that mess outside
The next day, after breakfast.
Raziel: Why did we all have to meet in here? So soon after breakfast even.
Dumah: I didn't get to finish my Cap'n Crunch!
Rahab: Like you need more sugar in your system.
Turel: I'm sure that Malek wouldn't have gathered us here unless he had a good reason.
Mechiah: Are we talking about the same guy who made stand outside for twelve hours in a rainstorm because it would "build our endurance"?
Malek walks into the room followed by a guy who looks like a walking corpse.
Malek: Hey guys. Let me introduce you to Mor-
Dumah: (Sees Mortainus) Oh my God! The dead have risen from their graves and want to devour our brains!
Zephon: In that case you should be saf-
Dumah begins to run around the room like a maniac.
Dumah: THEY HAVE COME TO RAIN FIERY APOCALIPTIC DEATH UPON US!!
Malek: How long is this going to last?
Raziel: Don't worry. He usually passes out after the first couple of minutes.
Dumah: WHY HAVE YE GODS FORSAKEN US?!?! WHYYYYYYY?!?!?
Malek: Anyways, this is Mortainus. A member of the Circle of Nine and my superior.
Turel: Glad to meet you.
Malek: He'll be giving us all of our mission objectives and will evaluate our progress.
Dumah: Zombies... all... over. Must... escape.
He collapses on the floor.
Raziel: Told ya.
Mortainus: Oh for the luv a...
he removes his "Death's head mask" revealing the Mortainus from Defiance.
Rahab: Hey... You're not really dead!
Mortainus: Nope. I just use that appearance to intimidate people.
Mechiah: You sure "intimidated" him. (Points to Dumah.)
Mortainus: Yes well, sometimes I have that effect on people.
Malek: Ahem
Mortainus: Oh right. The reason I've gathered you here is because I wasn't you to help Malek lead three Sarafan regiments in an assault against Janos Audron. Malek will give you the specifics.
Malek: We'll get right on it.
Mortainus: Oh and Malek... I just want to comment on what a fine job you've done protecting the Circle. Why, if anything were to happen to us, I'd hold you responsible. And if any of us died... Well let's just say some things are best left to the imagination
Malek: Ha ha ha! You're such a kidder!
Mortainus leaves.
Malek: Let's get down to business.
Zephon: Aren't you worried about what he said?
Malek: Nah. Mortainus has always been threatening me with eternal punishment if any of the Circle die. I ignore stuff like that all the time. Why stop now?
Raziel: Right. So what do we need to know about this "Janos Audron" character?
Malek: Well, so far no ones been able to face off with him and actually defeat him. That's because he stays high up in his retreat in the northern mountains. He never leaves so every once in a while we take a group of Sarafan up there to see if we can catch him off guard.
Turel: So no real work right.
Malek: Right.
Dumah wakes up.
Dumah: Hunh? What'd I miss.
Raziel: Not much. We were just getting ready to go.
Malek: Are there any questions before we leave?
Raziel: How large is a "regiment"?
Turel: Aren't we just glorified Nazis?
Dumah: Can I finish my cereal?
Rahab: When are we going to get assigned to an aquatic missions?
Zephon: Where are all the chicks? I've been here for a week and haven't seen any.
Mechiah: Will we be back in time for Free Hour?
Malek: (Pause.) Do you want those answered in any specific order?
Raziel: Yes, please.
Malek: About 30 soldiers.
No, we're wiping out a plague of bloodthirsty monsters.
No, breakfast is over.
Probably not for a while seeing as how vampires are weak against water.
Hiding from you.
Only if we march quickly. Does that clear things up?
Raziel: I forgot what we asked.
Malek: Let's move out.
A half hour later we can see the Sarafan regiments traveling through the mountains.
Sarafan regiments: Hi-ho! Hi-ho! It's off to work we go! To slaughter some vampires and rip out their hearts! Hi-ho! Hi-ho!
Unfortunately, we can also hear them as well.
Rahab: Damn! Why do they always have to sing that annoying tune over and over and over....
Malek: It keeps up morale. You don't want a bunch of wussy self-doubting Sarafan in the heat of battle.
Rahab: But... but... couldn't we rap instead?
Malek: Shh. We're there.
Dumah: (Loudly.) Really? Let me see!!
Malek glares at him.
Dumah: (Quietly.) Oops. Sorry. I'll be quiet.
Malek: Melchiah. Use the binoculars to see if anything's happening in the balcony.
He puts the binoculars to his face.
Mechiah: So far I don't see anyth- Wait! He's coming to the balcony... He's.... Is he mooning us?
Malek takes the binoculars and peers through them.
Malek: I believe he is. Raziel. Tell the archers to open fire on that ass.
Raziel: Right away.
Up in the balcony...
Janos: Ha ha! Suck on this Sarafan wussies! How does my ass look from down there you pieces of-
At that moment an arrow implants itself into Janos's backside.
Janos: Arrgh!
Then Vorador teleports in
Vorador: Hey Dad, I just wanted to know if- Holy mother of God! What happened?
Janos: They shot my butt! Now my butt hurts!
Vorador: Ugh. I should've stayed home today.
Back to the Sarafan...
Malek: Bull's-eye! Got one right square in the anus!
Zephon: That was a horrible sight, which I hope I am never subjected to again.
Turel: You're telling me. I think I might have to wash my eyes out with rubbing alcohol. Y'know, to sooth the burning of my mind.
Dumah: MAKE THE MENTAL IMAGES STOP!!
Raziel: From this moment onward I am swearing vengeance against Janos Audron and if I ever get the chance I will rip his black heart from his body.
Rahab: Isn't that a little severe?
Mechiah: No.
Rahab: Well if you guys ever find a way to do it count me out. I'd just as soon never come back here again.
Malek: Come on guys! Let's celebrate! It's getting a little late so I'll treat you to drinks in Coorhagen.
Raziel: Coorhagen? That's a fancy place. Let's go! I must admit. The part where Dumah runs around screaming about zombies was taken from Mortainus-bit Theater (Copyright of Brian Clevinger.) I'm sorry Brain! Forgive me!! (Begins to weep quietly.) Review and inspire to make more!
