Title: The Growing Pains of Draco Malfoy: Age 16
Rating: PG-13
Summary: A year in the life of Draco Malfoy, a devoted son and worthless prat not mention loving brother.
Author: Punk up the Volume
Thursday August 22nd
Today, I, Draco Malfoy, only heir to the Malfoy empire, turned sixteen years old. Was this joyous occasions marked with abundant gifts and a wonderful party? No, of course not! My parents are far too self centered to realize that it is the birthday of their darling son.
I left several hints around the house, trying to clue them in. It's not everyday their only child turns sixteen, is it? I made the houseelves hang several banners all around the house with slogans such as "Have You Hugged You Sixteen Year Old Today?" and "Why Not Bake a Cake?" Unfortunately, the Lunatic had his nose stuck in a book and walked right through my masterpiece. He got all tangled up and fell down the stairs. He was screaming and cursing and grabbing at his ankle like it was about to fall off. I can't believe he wrecked my banner!
I walked into Mum's room right as she was sick all over the basin. I asked her why she had to be sick today of all days, but the hint was lost on her. She screamed and shouted at me to go be a prat in my own room.
I did recieve a rather large package from Pansy. Even though it was from the pug, it smelled like cookies, so I opened it. I was extremely disgusted to find that they were oatmeal raisin! I promptly repackaged them and threw them out the window.
Lucius the Lunatic was dead mad when he stormed into my room. He had been walking past my window when a large package dropped on his head. He started raging on about how now that I am sixteen, I must start making proper alliances. I asked him if that meant I had to shack up with Pansy Pug. He merely grunted and kicked the house elf as he stormed out of my room.
Crabbe and Goyle stopped by. We had a nice cup of tea and then spit at the gardener from Mum's balcony. It was all in good fun.
Mum says we have to make a trip to Diagon Alley tomorrow for school supplies. I told her that I'd rather stay home with the Lunatic. I think he might actually be going insane. He has been pacing an awful lot lately. It can't be good for my nerves.
Friday August 23nd
Mum's in a horrible mood. She had to cancel our trip to Diagon Alley today because she has to find a new gardener. The old one stormed out yesterday in a huff. I can't imagine why.
Counted my spots in the bathroom mirror today. There's sixteen of them! I must do something before my handsome face is scarred forever. I need more spot cream.
Saturday August 24th
Counted my spots again. There's two new ones! This trend must be stopped. The Lunatic was banging on the door, yelling that I better not be doing what he thought I was doing in there. I yelled back that I am sex god at school, that hoardes of girls are begging to have a go at it with me and there's no need for me to be doing what he thought I was doing.
Tried on my old school trousers. I must have grown gobs this summer because they only go down to my ankles now. Not only that, the knees are shot all to hell. I suppose that's what comes from snogging in the grass with Blaise during finals week. It did help my stress levels, however; I recieved an O on my Potions exam.
Mum'll be furious.
Sunday August 25th
Mum and I finally made our trek to Diagon Alley. She remembered my birthday, and only three days later! To make up for it, she bought me a giant birthday sundae from Fortescue's Ice Cream Parlor. It was quite embarressing, really. Mr. Fortescue came out with sparklers and a party hat. As soon as he looked away, I chucked it at Ron Weasley, who was walking by with his little sister.
Mum abandoned me at Madam Malkin's while I was getting fit for new robes and skivvied over to the closest pub. She obviously had a few too many whiskey's because I had to balance her on the way out. Honestly, what an embarressment to the family!
Monday August 26th
Received a late birthday card from Great Aunt Neptuna on my mum's side. I think she's going a bit nutters because in the card she wrote "to my dear Sally" and inside were two tickets to the 1978 Quidditch World Cup. I was quite disappointed.
Also received a love poem from Pansy. She wrote:
My heart yearns my love
For your passionate embrace
I pine I perish
I long for you
Silly sod! It doesn't even rhyme. Ha! I quickly tore it into tiny bits and fed it to the Lunatic's new owl, Silas. I felt much better afterwards.
Tuesday August 27th
As per usual, the Lunatic is in a right bad mood. He's walking around grumbling because Silas was sick all over his new robes. I chuckled heartily at his expense.
I think the new gardener is crazy. He just sits in the tool shed behind the Quidditch pitch, staring out the window and muttering to himself. Also, one of our houseelves is missing, and I heard strange screaming sounds coming from that direction late last night. Hermione Granged would be appalled! Ha! Ha!
Wednesday August 28th
Counted my spots. Only nine! My luck is improving. The Lunatic was banging on the bathroom door like some kind of…well, lunatic. He shouted that while good grooming is a sign of power, I had other things to worry about, like trimming the rose bushes. My parents are actually forcing me to labor because another gardener walked out on us. Just to spite the Lunatic, I shimmied out the window and left him to shout at an empty room. Unfortunately, this plan was not to well thought out because I landed in the rose bushes and had to scream for help until the house elf came round to save me. Lucius is right, they really do need trimmed.
Hell if I'm going to do it, however.
Mum is sick again. She stayed in bed all morning, moaning and groaning. I offered to make her some tea, but I forgot a few minutes later. I have a horrible memory. I should ask Mum to buy me some of those memory enhancing pills. I heard they increase sexual drive as well.
The Lunatic has done nothing to ease the suffering of his loving wife. He just keeps pacing around the drawing room, muttering under his breath. I have called a professional from St. Mungos to ask if this is normal behavoir. He said that I should bring the Lunatic in right away. I must think of a way to lure him to the hospital.
This place is a nuthouse. I can't wait to go back to school.
Thursday August 29th
Ah! The horror! The complete and utter horror!
My Mum is...pregnant!
How can this be happening? Especially at her age! She's already thirty five after all. I thought that at that age you couldn't even have children anymore! I will die of embarressment. I mean you would expect this from one of the Weasley's, they squeeze out babies left and right!
Mum told me as she was wallowing in bed, sick again. It was morning sickness that made her so blinded to my needs. She's already four months along and didn't bother to tell me! How unkind is that? I should have known; she did seem a lot fatter than last summer. I thought it was just impolite to tell her so.
I questioned her to how this could happen. Why didn't she use contraception? I told her that I have a whole drawer full in my dresser and I would have been happy to loan her some. Instead of telling me how generous I was, she blushed dead red and told me to go pull weeds. I assumed she was joking and went to count my spots.
There's two new ones!
The horror of it all!
Friday August 30th
I leave for Hogwarts tommorrow, but nobody in this excuse for a family seems to care. Mum's been walking around, dead happy, now that she's not throwing up left and right. Lucius is even looking a bit chipper. I heard them whispering in their room. They said they hoped the new baby turned out better than I did!
There's is no compassion in this family.
Saturday September 1st
The Lunatic took me to the Hogwarts Express. He slipped me a few galleons and told me to buy myself a good time. I hoped he was joking. The best you could get with three galleons is Pansy Parkinson! Speaking of which, I managed to avoid her the entire way to Hogwarts. Sat with Crabbe and Goyle, as per usual. They spent the entire trip trying to make chocolate frogs explode. They succeeded only in get chocolate stains all over my new robes.
Saw Blaise Zabini snogging with Terry Boot on my way to the sweets cart. Was dead jealous. What I wouldn't fancy to be in his position.
Arrived at Hogwarts and looked at all the wee first years, scared to death. Honestly, our lot of first years this term are pathetic. Slytherin is starting to become a riffraff house!
Pansy was hanging all over me at supper. She was practically in my lap! It's very hard to eat my Yorkshire pudding when she's whispering naughty thoughts in my ear. I practically gagged.
Only eight spots. What luck!
Sunday September 2nd
Received my schedule today. Was shocked and dismayed to find that I'd been put down for Muggle Studies class! Stormed right into McGonagall's office and demanded a change. I refuse to learn about muggles. It would be a travesty. The Lunatic would be appalled.
McGonagall told me it was no mistake. Apparently, it has become a mandatory class! I told that silly sod of a deputy headmaster to stuff it.
I have three detentions.
Monday September 3rd
First day of classes. I refused to go to Muggle Studies. I chained myself to my bed. I told the administration I am going on a hunger strike until my schedule is changed. McGonagall has sent a message to my father and I'm glad! He'll understand.
Only five spots! Perhaps the school food is doing me some good.
Tuesday September 4th
Received Howler from the Lunatic. He told me that if I didn't go to my classes he would pull me out of Hogwarts and I would work as a scullery maid for the rest of my days. I imagined my life as one of lower classes and promptly skivvied off to class.
I bet you the Lunatic's sudden change of heart has something to do with that damn baby. When it is born I will smother it with a pillow. It is causing me misery already and the bloody thing hasn't even been born yet. Crabbe was dead supportive. He offered me some of his chocolate frogs, but I turned him down. My complexion isn't ready for another chocolate shock.
Four spots!
Wednesday September 5th
Went to Muggle Studies due to extreme parental pressure. No wonder the teenage suicide rate is so high! I bet it's because all their mother's have gone and gotten themselves knocked up!
Just my luck, the teacher, Professor Cornerlius assigned me to sit with that worthless Weasley, Ginevra. She made numerous jokes about my spots. I just about punched her in the nose, but then again, I am a gentlemen. Instead, I thought up vicious rumors to spread about her after class.
Had a nice snog with Blaise after supper. I am quite satisfied.
Thursday September 6th
Sitting next to the littlest Weasley is dead boring. All she does is sit there and pay attention. I must admit that her ass if quite tight. Perhaps I should reconsider my feelings of hatred towards her. She has v. nice figure.
Worst luck! Six new spots!
Friday September 7th
If I thought my life could not be any worse, I was wrong. Received letter from my Mum, reporting that the baby is a boy. Wonderful, another little Lunatic running around the manor. I will never have any privacy. Mum did seem dead disappointed, though. I suppose she wanted a girl. I refuse to think of the baby by gender. I will continue to call it "IT".
Three new spots! It must be the Spotted Dick.
Served last detention. Scrubbing desks while Professor Cornelius meditated. I was alarmed and frightened for my life by her humming and chanting.
Saturday September 8th
Avoided Pansy most of the day. Unfortunately she wrote me another poem. At least this one rhymed.
Dearest Drake
I long to make
out with you and snuggle too
Behind the Quidditch pitch
Honestly! Not even my mother calls me Drake! I was disgusted.
Sunday September 9th
First Quidditch practice of the season. The new captain is a pompous seventh year name Derek Mulhoney. He does have a better complexion, I admit, but he is the worst flyer I have ever seen!
Potty, Weasel, and the Mudblood were up in the stands yelling rude comments and making crude hand gestures. They were far two distracting so I threw the bludger at them. Unfortunately, it hit Weasley in the mouth and knocked out two of his teeth.
Three more detentions. But on the bright side, only one spot! I shall throw myself a celebration party.
Monday September 10th
Ginny asked why I was leering at her during Muggle Studies. I replied that I was trying to figure out where her breasts should be. She promptly slapped me. I was only joking of course; she has a v. nice chest.
I saw her brother walking down the hallway today. He looks quite atrocious. Nurse Pomfrey fixed his teeth but he has a bandage wrapped around his mouth. I pointed and laughed heartily. To my surprise, Weasley hit me square in the nose, so he has three detentions now, too. All is well in the world.
No spots!
Potter and Granger keep shooting my death glares in the hallway. I must work on my own glares. I think they are starting to look weak. A Malfoy must never be weak!
Tuesday September 11th
I apologized to Ginny during Muggle Studies for the harsh comment I made about her chest. She seemed genuinely surprised but accepted my apologies graciously. I offered to give her the three galleons the Lunatic gave me for a closer look. Another slap. That girl would not see a great deal if it came up and bit her on the arse.
Later I felt as if I was far too kind to her. Isn't it my job to torment her and her pathetic family? I will make more of an effort to taunt her!
Three new spots! There's a large green one on the left side of my forehead. I have decided to stop gelling back my hair so it will cover up my facial deformities. Perhaps it will give me a bit of a renegade look.
Wednesday September 12th
Why does God hate me so? Twelve new spots! They are the bane of my exsistence. Ginny had a good hearty laugh at my expense. I suppose she is still a bit upset about yesterday. I tried to copy off of her test, but she moved it away and kicked me rather hard in the leg. It is still sore. I called her a brat and she asked if that was the best I could do. I wrinkled of my nose and spit on her paper. She growled and kicked me again.
I should have kicked that little bitch back.
The first Quidditch game of the season is on Saturday. It is against Gryffindor; I cannot wait to tromp the great Harry Potter. It will be gobs of fun!
We had double Quidditch practice today. This morning, we practiced "game faces" in the mirror for an hour. Derek said that our new approach is all about intimidation. Instead, when his back was turned I practiced my seductive looks and comehither glances. I was winking at myself when Crabbe noticed. He said that I'm probably the only person who's ever come on to himself.
What can I say? I am an original.
