Title: Starfleet Hero, Doggy Style

Author: Tsuev

Genre: Action/Humor

Rating: PG

Summary: Porthos gets himself kidnapped! Will Archer come to the rescue still in time?

AN: Thanks to Exploded Pen, Sita Z, Gabi, The Libran Iniquity, T'eyla, kelsey and Rinne for reviewing.

Chapter 3

When Porthos woke up again, he didn't move or bother to open his eyes. Today, it seemed, was one of those days you better stayed in bed. Jon seemed to be already gone; it was very quiet around him. Too quiet. Even the warp engine's distant hum was missing. Porthos opened his eyes, and sat up. Right - he wasn't on Enterprise anymore. But he wasn't in his hiding place at the river, either. He was in a room he had never seen before. A very small room. The walls were a dirty gray, the small chamber crammed with huge, bulky wooden objects which had probably served as furniture some time ago. One of it looked like a table, but its legs were rather short, and it only had three of them to begin with. There was no need for a fourth leg, however, since the table top itself was triangular. The other objects were completely different from human furniture.

Porthos was sitting on a very large pillow, which seemed to have been designed for an oversized St Bernard rather than for a dog of his size. A bowl of similar dimensions was standing next to him. It was filled with water.

The room also had a small window at the very back, grubby-looking and positioned about one meter above the floor. On the other side of the room there was a heavy wooden door whose handle was remarkably close to the floor as well.

Porthos sniffed. It smelled strange in here, no scent he was able to recognize. How had he come to be here? The only thing he remembered was falling asleep under that tree.

The fur on his neck was standing on end. Slowly, he got up and walked over to the door. It was locked. He examined the handle. It was long ago that he had last seen a door handle. It seemed to made of bronze, and looked very solid. He was trapped. The window was too far up for him to try and get out. There was no window sill, and behind it only a patch of bright blue sky. Well, at least he wasn't on a spaceship.

Porthos could have kicked himself for being stupid enough to run away on an alien planet. Jon was probably beside himself with worry, not to speak of the fact that Porthos was locked up in a strange room and had no idea how he had come to be here. Why was it that every away mission he joined only landed him or Jon in a big nasty heap of trouble?

Porthos pricked up his ears. There was a noise, a clicking like dog paws - large heavy dog paws - walking on a concrete floor. The sound grew louder, and Porthos backed away from the door. Whoever these feet belonged to, Porthos had no wish for him or her to come in here. Sure enough, the clicking moved away again, and after a while it was gone. Porthos let out a breath of relief. Again, silence ensued, and he could hear his own heart beating in his chest, his blood throbbing in his ears. Porthos sat back down on his pillow, and listened apprehensively for any noise from outside.

Suddenly, new steps approached. Porthos felt his body tense up. This time, the thing came to a halt in front of the door. Something jangled, then the lock gave an ugly crunching sound and the door was pushed open. Porthos gasped for air. There was a dog standing in the door frame. He was about one and a half meters in height, had shaggy, golden brown fur and a pointed snout. His eyes were of a dark auburn. The most remarkable aspect of his appearance, however, were his front paws. He had thumbs. Where Terran dogs had their regressed fifth claw, this species was equipped with another movable ball of the foot.

Another "dog" appeared behind the first one, even larger than his friend. He barked something, but Porthos didn't understand what he said. It seemed to be an order, for the first dog turned around and disappeared. The large one stepped forward and made a noise sounding like a mixture between a bark and a whine. Porthos only stared at him. The alien shook his head; he seemed to have realized that Porthos hadn't understood a word he said. He turned around and left. The door slammed shut and was locked again. The clicking of the claws on the concrete moved away. Porthos let out a deep breath.

Well, how bad can this get? Not only had he fallen into a deep river and ended up miles away from his humans, but now he was being held prisoners by a species who had the size of cows and the looks of big, shaggy St. Bernards.

But despite all that he was still damn lucky. These aliens didn't seem out to kill him. Porthos wondered how they had been able to find him. Either their scanners had picked up his signal or they had a very keen sense of smell. But on the other hand their people still used door handles, so maybe they didn't even have scanners or something of the like.

But then, back on Enterprise we also have a few doors with handles.

Porthos had always asked himself why the designers had resorted to such anachronistic devices. As far as he knew, there was no reason not to equip all of these doors with a panel.

Maybe because slamming a door makes for a more theatrical exit.

Porthos considered. He couldn't escape through the door, and the only other possible exit was the window. But for one thing he didn't reach that far up, and second he had no idea how deep he would fall if he jumped out. It seemed like all he could do right now was sit and wait. First, he had to find out what these aliens wanted with him. But that was going to be difficult, since dogs had far less possibilities to communicate via body language than humans, for example. Well, he would have to try and do his best.

Again, steps approached, but this time there seemed to be several of them.

Great. I bet now they've brought their friends. The elephant dachshunds.

The door opened again. Sure enough, several of the aliens came in and Porthos saw that they were carrying bowls and plates between their shoulderblades.

Interesting. Well, live and learn.

They placed the plates in front of Porthos, throwing him encouraging looks. Porthos took a closer look at the plates. Each of them seemed to contain a different kind of food, but to him all of them looked equally disgusting. Porthos sniffed at a piece of brown something which seemed to be meat, but was soaked with a thick green gravy that smelled like something T'Pol would eat. Carefully, Porthos licked up some of the green slob, half-expecting to grow a dark green antenna any minute. Nothing of the sort happened, but a second later Porthos was spitting and coughing like mad, trying to get rid of the spicy stuff which seemed to be burning his tongue. The aliens started to bark and wag their tails, which apparently was their way of laughing.

Harhar, very funny! Porthos thought angrily, and turned to the next plate. It contained a thin, yellowish liquid. Porthos tried it, and realized that it tasted very sweet, almost like the jellybean Trip had given him a few month ago.

No, not exactly what I'd call yummy, either.

He looked up at the aliens, and when they made an encouraging gesture at the rest of the plates, Porthos turned to the other meals lined up in front of him.

The third plate contained a gray object which reminded him of a large pebble. He bent down and began to chew on it. It was as elastic as a rubber ball, but he had to admit it didn't taste that bad.

Reminds me a little of moldy canned meat, but other than that it's really quite good.

Looking up at them, he nodded. One of the "dogs" pointed with his front paw at the now-empty plate and gave Porthos a questioning look. Porthos nodded in response.

The thing on the last plate looked so disgusting that Porthos didn't even want to try it. It looked like a big slug covered with dried-up worms and small, black seeds. Porthos pointed at it and emphatically shook his head.

I'd rather have rubber balls for the rest of my life than try that thing!

The aliens nodded, placed the plates back between each other's shoulder blades and left.

Five minutes later one of them came back, carrying a little basket in which he put the pillow Porthos had woken up on. The alien had brought a blanket as well, and gestured for Porthos to crawl into the basket. When Porthos complied, the alien silently gestured "all right?" and again, Porthos nodded. The other dog briefly wagged his tail in response and left, not without locking the door behind him.

Well, I suppose hoping for them to let me go would be asking too much.

Porthos lay down and with his teeth pulled up the covers. Trying all that food had worn him out, and he was probably still suffering from the after-effects of his near-fatal adventure in the river. He was very tired. Porthos closed his eyes, and only a moment later he was fast asleep.

XXX

Someone nudged him. Someone with a cold snout. Since when did Jon have a snout? Porthos woke up with a start. Again, one of the doglike aliens had come, and he apparently wanted Porthos to come with him. Outside in the corridor, a narrow hallway with a low ceiling and rough gray concrete walls, there were five more aliens waiting for him. They took him in their middle and marched him down the hallway in direction of a heavy brown wooden door.

Finally they arrived in a room with two big windows which allowed a beautiful view of the jungle outside. On the wall opposite the door there was a large view screen, and in the middle of the room stood a big console, facing the screen. Next to the windows there were several consoles as well, each with a "dog" standing behind it. They pushed him to stand next to the main console, where anyone on the screen would be able to see him.

The dog who had brought him in came to stand in the middle of the room, looking at the viewscreen. He nodded at one of the smaller dogs who pressed a few buttons on his console and threw the screen an expectant look. Finally, it dawned on Porthos what these people were doing. A few seconds of silence passed, then there was a soft crackle and Enterprise's bridge appeared on the view screen. Travis was sitting at usual place at the helm, but Hoshi was bent over her instruments, intent on something displayed on the monitor in front of her. She looked up, and her eyes widened in shock when she saw Porthos. The dog next to Porthos began to speak. He barked loudly, sounding threatening. Hoshi's fingers danced across her console and after a while her attempts at translating seemed to have worked, for she sat back in relief. Then the helmsman turned around and said something to Hoshi who nodded and crossed her arms in front of her chest. When she started to speak, Porthos realized with surprise that he was able to understand her. At the same time he noticed strange letters appearing on the bottom of the view screen.

Hoshi's first words were drowned out by the dogs who were all talking at the same time, but after a while they abandoned their conversation and began to listen.

"... Ensign Sato from the starship Enterprise. We're on a peaceful mission of exploration. I..."

She was cut off by the biggest dog who barked something in his language, startling Porthos. He considered. It seemed like Universal Translator the Enterprise crew used to communicate with alien species could translate the dog's words into written language, but not into spoken English. Hoshi read something on her screen, presumably the translation of what the dog had just said. Then her eyes came to rest on Porthos.

"Yes, you could say he's a member of our crew. He's the..."

Again the dog interrupted her with a loud bark.

"He accompanied Captain Archer to this planet, yes. The away team's job was to gather mineral samples for scientific research."

When the dog answered, it sounded threatening, and he kept gesturing at Porthos while he talked. Hoshi's eyes widened when she read the translation. She bent over her console, pressing a few buttons, then said something in the speaker, her voice sounding urgent.

"I've put you through to the Captain," she said, straightening up.

The big dog next to Porthos nodded. He started to bark again, and it sounded like he was repeating what he'd already told Hoshi.

A moment later Porthos heard Archer's voice.

"I'm Captain Jonathan Archer. My communications officer informed me about your... request, but I cannot agree to what you're asking of me. Starfleet does not negotiate with kidnappers." Jon's voice sounded strained, as though he had a hard time keeping it level. "And even if we did, I would never agree to-"

The dog, apparently not a very patient person, barked again. A pause followed, then the Captain answered, his voise rising.

"Threats will get you nowhere, and no, I can't do that! I have regulations to follow, and Starfleet would never hand their weapon's technology over to criminals!"

The dog barked an angry reply, and Porthos winced despite himself. This was not good. Jon seemed to be thinking along similar lines, visibly forcing his voice to sound calm.

"Why don't you release my d- crewmember, and we can negotiate on a peaceful basis. I'm not willing to-"

The dog laughed his barky laugh, and immediately all his underlings joined in. After a few seconds the pack leader held up a paw, and they shut up again.

"What's that supposed to mean?"

The Captain sounded positively furious now. The dog leader answered only a few words, but what he said did definitely not sound polite. Jon seemed to have gained as much. Porthos had never heard him shout like that before.

"Listen, whatever your name is, I don't have to listen to this! Either you release him, or-"

The dog waved a paw, and one of his underdogs severed the connection, cutting Jon off in mid-sentence. Porthos stood paralyzed. What were they going to do now?

The monitor turned black, and the dog who had spoken turned around and nodded at a few dog guards standing next to the door. Again, they took Porthos in their middle and left the room, walking down the corridor back to the room where he had been before.

After they had locked the door and left, Porthos slowly walked over to his pillow and lay down again, trying to understand what all this had been about. It sounded like the dog leader had somehow threatened Archer. But how could he threaten him? Well, that one was simple. After all, they had him. Porthos.

Porthos took in a sharp breath when he realized what was happening here. But he still didn't quite understand what exactly the dogs wanted in return for his release. The dog leader had said something about weapon technology. Of course, these dogs were definitely pre-warp, and Enterprise's advanced technology would certainly come in handy in whatever war they were fighting. But Porthos knew just as well that Archer couldn't hand over that information, even though the dog's threat had been quite clear: Either they handed over the technology, or Porthos wouldn't be returning to Enterprise. And this left both Jon and Porthos in one hell of a fix.

Porthos closed his eyes in despair. Knowing Jon, the Captain was probably beside himself with worry. Wouldn't be the first time, either. After his little adventure with the Kreetassan virus he'd heard crewmembers talking about how cranky the Captain had been that night, biting off people's head and snapping at everyone who crossed his path. Porthos was almost sure he was being just the same right now, and maybe even worse. He swallowed. And it was all his fault.

How could he have been so stupid, running off on an alien planet, and, as if that wasn't enough, falling into the first river he came across.

He wondered what Jon was going to do now. Porthos knew Jon would never meet the kidnappers' demands, whatever it was that they were demanding. So he'd certainly try and get Porthos back by force. Porthos had no idea if those dogs had weapons that were a match for Starfleet technology, but there was no doubt about the fact that rescuing him was going to put crewmembers in danger.

And Porthos couldn't allow that. He'd landed himself in trouble, now he had to find a way to get out of it himself. Negotiation seemed to be not an option, since there was no way he could talk to the dogs. They outnumbered him, and he wasn't strong enough to fight even one of them. And he couldn't get out of this room, either. The door was locked and he had neither a hair pin nor a skeleton key nor thumbs to open it. The window was not a very good idea either since he didn't reach up to it and had no idea how deep he would fall on the other side. But it seemed to be the only possibility. He would simply have to try. But not right now. Wouldn't look to good if those guards came back when he was just about to open the window. He had to wait until after the next time they brought him food, and then try to get out. His plan was no guarantee that they weren't going to catch him anyway, but it was better than trying right away.

Porthos shifted to find a more comfortable position and tried to find some sleep, still feeling exhausted from all the excitement and his adventure in the river. Besides, he had to save his strength for what he was about to do.

Somehow, though, sleep wouldn't come. A feeling of unease sat deep in stomach, and he couldn't stop thinking of Jon, and hoping the Captain wasn't worrying too much. But of course he was. Porthos knew that.

After a while he realized that he wouldn't be able to sleep, got up and let his gaze wander across the room, looking for something that would help him get up to the window. Fortunately it was only about a meter away from the floor. Freeclimbing wasn't exactly one of Porthos' favorite spare time activities. Too bad it had no window sill (in the meantime he had grown to be quite good at high jump, due to his attempts at reaching cookie tins that were standing on high counters). The room was crammed with lots of old furniture, but most of it looked far too heavy for Porthos to be able to push it under the window. Except for the triangular "table" he'd already noticed when he'd first woken up in here. It reached almost as far up as the window, and seemed quite solidly built. Porthos was sure it wouldn't tip over. But the window itself represented a problem as well. If the glass was any similar to Terran glass, it wouldn't be too hard to break, but Porthos had no rock or anything similar to break the pane with. And he couldn't use his paw since he'd surely hurt simself, and he couldn't very well escape with an injured foot.

Looking around, he found the solution to his problem. The water bowl. Porthos went over to it and sniffed at it, examining it with his paw. The bowl seemed to be made of stone and looked quite solid. He would have to empty it, and somehow try to jump onto the table holding the bowl with his teeth. The only problem left was that he had no idea if there wasn't a deep canyon waiting for him on the other side of the window. But with a little luck, there was no reason why he shouldn't be out of here in only a few hours' time.

TBC...

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