Disclaimer: I don't own anything having to do with Harry Potter

Title: The Growing Pains of Draco Malfoy: Age 16

Author: Emily (I think I'm going to change my name, so I'm not putting Punk Up the Volume anymore)

Rating: PG-13

Author's Note: Thank you to all of lovely, lovely reviewers. I am so pleased by your support and kudos. As promised, I will list all of your names because...well, because you guys rock!

meheeners, inuevans, Teresina Dragonwagon, Dorthey Star, Mizuhi Sakura, Vanyaria Darkshadow. Eienvine, vamprincess1986, Necrocora, Novalee Sims, NotYourAverageSchoolgirl, heart of chocolate, eX Driver Liz, hoobagirl69 (aka Michaela), and Krystal 1989.

The next chapter may take a little over a week to post. I really need to study for my permit test.


Wednesday November 13th

I am still hiding from Ginny. I cannot bear the pain of her breaking up with me. It would be a travesty! If anything, I should be the one breaking up with her! I am a Malfoy for goodness sake!

I have taken up residence under my bed. Snape will not dare look under here. That rat, Terry Boot, told him I was back from vacation and he's been looking for me ever sense. I will exact my revenge on Terry Boot very soon.

It is cold under here. There is little light to write in my beloved journal, and I have had nothing to eat since yesterday morning. I will surely starve to death. There will be a memorial service in my honor and the whole school will attend. I can picture it now. Pansy will give my eulogy, sobbing over my untimely death. Mum and the Lunatic will be sitting in the front row, contemplating how they should have treated me like the prince I was. Also, there would be a nice shrimp dinner afterwards.

And Terry Boot can't come.

Thursday November 14th

Goyle, the idiot that he is, brought me a get well card. There is a picture of a stick figure me combing his hair in front of the mirror. It is very true to life. I thought the glitter and paper mache was a nice touch.

But of course I won't tell him so.

I hung it on my mirror as a tribute to my figure.

Friday November 15th

Raven came barging in this morning. I had decided that sooner or later, Snape would check under the bed, so I was in the process of climbling out my window. She grabbed me by the back of my wonderfully expensive robes and dragged me into the commons room. She said that Ginny would like very much to see me and that Professor Dumbledore would as well.

When did she and Ginny become best mates? What else have I missed besides Ginny's green hair? Has Potter bought himself a brain? Has Granger failed a test? Did Snape and the squid has a romantic redezvous that nobody bothered to inform me of?

I felt very left out and went back to my room.

Saturday November 16th

Snape came in this morning with a big bucket of cold water and threw it all over me. I threatened that if my cashmire robes shrunk, it would be his greasy head on a platter! He ignored the threats and told me that if I didn't get out of bed, I would be expelled. I didn't much like the thought of living with the Lunatic full time, so I figured I eventually would.

But right then, I just told Snape to sod off. He gave me three detentions. I reminded him of all the wonderful times we had together. I got off with one.

I had Crabbe make sure that Ginny wasn't around when I went up to breakfast. As soon as I sat down at the table, I ate everything on my plate. Pansy said I looked like a mongrel. My manners are starting to resemble that of Crabbe and Goyle! And when did Pansy get a backbone?

Went back down to the common room and wrote some dead devastating poetry.

I wish I were an owl

No responsibilities

No Muggle Studies

No green hair

No spots

Only sitting in a tree

And licking my bottom

All day long

Because that is what owls do

Lucky sons of bitches they are

Coo

I thought about showing it to Crabbe and asking what he thought, but then thought better of it. It is much to beautiful and sad and personal. I shall slip it to Ginny on Monday, before she can break my heart. Or perhaps I'll attend one of those beatnik meetings in the Ravenclaw common room. I would definitly get a standing ovation.

I must begin work on my plan for revenge on Terry Boot. It must be a devastating blow to his ego.

Sunday November 17th

Blaise has been crying all around the common room because Terry Boot has broken up with her. He apparently sent her a long letter (filled with many attrocious grammar mistakes, I might add) all about how much he hates her and specific reasons why.

1) Her hair is stringy like limp noodles.

2) She wears robes that would shame a streetwalker.

3) She says her "r's" funny.

There was far more. I should know, I wrote the letter! My plan for revenge is complete. It was an utter triumph!

Also, I was called into Dumbledore's office today. He said Mum sent a rather large package for me. I read the attached letter first. It went as follows:

Dear Draco,

Alas, I have a big boy job for you. Do you think you can handle it? I took your father/brother out to buy a cat a few days ago. Unfortunately, yesterday, he set him slightly on fire. We managed to extinguish him before to much damage was caused to my beautiful rug.

Lucius refused to give me the cat. Therefore, I have wrestled it out of his arms while he was asleep (he had it in a headlock; the poor thing nearly suffocated) and have sent it to you.

He doesn't have a name, so it's up to you, but please, please take care of it. I don't need two animal abusers in my family.

Love,

Your very pregnant and overstressed Mum

"A cat!" I cried. No way was I taking care of a cat! They were for girls! And they stunk! And pooped! No way was I going to take care of anything that pooped in my room!

"I'm afraid you'll have to take him," Professor Dumbledore informed me, setting a tabby cat on his desk. It was the ugliest creature I have ever seen! It's fur stuck up in all directions (reminded me a bit of Potter) and there were bald patches all along it's back. Not only that, it stunk of mice and had a large scar running over it eye.

"I'm allergic," I explained. "Achoo. Achoo."

"I'm afraid I'm wise to you deception," said Dumbledore in his I'm smarter and more mysterious than you nyah nyah voice.

"Fine, I'll take the stupid beast," I hissed, grabbing the cat off the desk, perhaps a bit roughly. It began to claw at my arms with amazing ferocity. It's possessed by the devil! I tried not to show any pain as I made my way back down to the common room. It wad quite tough, but I am a trooper.

Later: I have named the evil cat le Frai du Diable. It means The Spawn of the Devil in French. I will call him Diable for short.

1:00 a.m.: The cat has peed on the bed. I have moved to the floor.

3:00 a.m.: The cat has peed on the floor. I have moved to the common room.

4:00 a.m.: The cat has followed me out to the common room. It won't stop staring at me with it's one mad eye. Also, it makes this growling sound deep in it's throat like it's about to swallow me whole.

Monday November 18th

I did not get much sleep last night due to Diable. He truly is the spawn of the devil. He just keeps glaring at me like he's plotting something extremely dastardly. Also, he keeps following me everywhere. To class, to breakfast: I feel like Little Bo Peep. The teachers all think he's adorable until he takes a swipe at them.

Snape was especially smitten, even after Diable peed in his Sleeping Draught.

I heard that Ron Weasley has woken from his coma and is resting in the Gryffindor common room. Lucky bastard!

Later: I grabbed a loaf of bread from the houseelves and skipped out on lunch. Diable and I went to sit down by the lake. Diable caught a bug and toyed with it menacingly before treating it to a cruel and merciless death. This is my kind of cat.

The giant squid seems quite lonely. I can really relate to him. Gave him half of my bread, but he just spat it back out at me. I'm sure to have a bruise on my forehead.

Was relaxing and thinking deep thoughts when a red streak ran right past my eye and tackled me from the side. It was Ron Weasley and he was trying to choke me! Emphasis on trying.

"You stupid jerk!" he spat clawing at my neck. "Why did you have to get involved with my sister!"

"She had the nicest ass!" I told him. I was only trying to be honest. It was probably not the best route.

"HFKGPFDSDGJSFDNF!" he shouted, or something along those lines. He now had a much better grip on my neck. Next to me Diable was circling, growling in my ear.

"Kill him! Hurt him! Get him the fuck off of me!" I commanded.

"Shut up!" Ron shouted, slapping me. It felt rather nice. "You little asshole! I'm not taking anything from you anymore! None of your smartass insults, nothing!"

As Ron started topunch me in the stomach with one hand and choke me with the other, I saw my life pass before my eyes. I saw Mum drinking a glass of wine while I fell took my first steps. I saw Mum drinking a glass of brandy while I fell off my toy broom. I saw Mum drinking from a hip flask when they dropped me off at the Hogwarts Express for my first year of school.

I really need to send my Mum a letter about her drinking.

Out of my eye, I could see a large group of people running down the hill at a phenominal speed, but it really didn't strike me as important at the moment. Instead, I concentrated on getting Weasley the hell off of me.

"Jesus Christ!" Weasley shouted as Diable, finally realizing I was in trouble, jumped on his back with a yowl and dug his claws into his skin. As Ron let go of my neck and reached for the stupid cat, who had also just peed on his back, a boot hit him square in the face, sending him backwards into the lake. With amazing precision, Diable jumped into Ginny's arms, who didn't seem fazed at all. Rather, she seemed very angry.

"You jerk!" she shouted at Ron, who was bobbing in the water, gasping for air. "How dare you!" Raven stopped, out of breath behind Ginny, and Crabbe stopped after her.

"Ron's in the water!" Granger started shrieking the obvious, as per usual. "Ron's in the water!"

"C'mon!" Ginny grabbed my arm and pulled me back toward the castle. "I'm not staying around these hypocrites another minute!"

"Wait, Ginny," Hermione yelled, lunging after us. "Don't go, let's talk about this!"

"No, let her go," Potter told her. "I want her desert."

"I'm not going to listen to you, Hermione," Ginny spat towards her, jerking me and Diable around. "Ron tried to kill Draco!"

"Malfoy would be a lot better person if more people tried to kill him," Potter answered.

"Urgh," Ginny replied. "Urgh." Then the three of us ran back to the castle.

"Here it is," Ginny told me, pushing open the door to a room I had never seen before. "No one can bother us in here." She slammed the door shut after I stepped inside. There was a couch sitting against the back wall, candles lit all over the place, and a giant box of creme puffs sitting on the table.

It was wonderful.

"What is this place?" I asked Ginny and she laid down on the couch, stroking the mean little ball of fur. It purred, actually purred! And it didn't look menacing at all.

"The room of requirement," she answered, scarfing down a creme puff. I took the box away from her. They were mine. "It only appears when you really need it. Harry and Hermione can't find us here."

"Well..." I waited.

"Well, what?" she grinned. "Welcome home by the way. I have your homework from Muggle Studies." She pulled her green hair up into a ponytail.

"Aren't you going to break up with me?" I questioned with about six puffs in my mouth.

Ginny snorted. "Why would I do that?"

"Because I saw your breasts!"

"Yeah, so has just about everyone in my family."

I raised an eyebrow.

"Well, not on purpose," she replied, looking abashed. "It was an accident. Hey, can I have one of those creme puffs?"

I pulled the box out of her reach and then reconsidered. I was starving! "So how do you like my hair?" she grinned.

"It's atrocious," I told her. "Hopefully it'll grow out."

Ginny wrinkled her nose. "So," she answered tritely. "How's your father? Still crazy?"

"Yep. He thinks he's five." I told her, swallowing the last of the puffs. I closed my eyes and when I opened them, there was a bowl of treacle pudding sitting on the table. "Also, he tried to kill me with a sword."

"Sounds like a wonderful time." She didn't sound the least bit surprised about the Lunatic. "How's your Mum?"

"Pregnant," I replied. "And mean. And really sad."

"Oh. When did you get a cat?"

"Yesterday. My Dad set it on fire."

"Oh."

"Hey, wanna makeout?"

Ginny thought about it. "Okay," she said.

Later: After we returned to our respective dorms, I was called back up to Professor Dumbledore's office. The stupid cat followed me. It wouldn't stop rubbing up against my leg and purring. I will be very angry if cat hair ruins these trousers!

"I heard about your slight altercation with Mr. Weasley this afternoon," he said over his horrible half-moon eyeglasses.

"It wasn't slight," I told him as Diable started sipping on Dumbledore's tea. "He tried to kill me."

"Not well, I might say." Dumbledore chuckled.

"Hmmm," I snarled.

"At anyrate, Mr. Weasley has been suspended."

"Suspended?" I roared, jumping out of my seat. "Suspended! I demand he be expelled! The death penalty! I demand he be executed! Or...or...publicly mocked in the stockades!"

Dumbledore chuckled yet again. It was starting to get very annyoing. "I'm afraid we don't own any stockades. Besides, Mr. Malfoy, it is up to Professor McGonagall to handle disciplinary actions. Not the students. What I wanted to talk to you about is...would you like a butterscotch twist?"

"Can I have a scotch instead?" I asked hopefully.

Dumbledore chuckled. I hope he chokes on a lemon drop. "No, no, dear boy. Actually, it comes to my attention that although you arrived back last Wednesday, you have attended barely any of your classes. I'm afraid this requires a punishment. I think that helping Hagrid with his duties for a week will suffice."

Unthinkable! I have to help that stupid oaf clean out the animal troughs! Argh!

Tuesday November 19th

First day of my enslavement. I had to scrub the Quidditch goalposts while Hagrid, Potter, and Granger watched. They sat on lawn chairs sipping lemonades and trying to get tans. I will have to report this to Snape. He will find some way to punish them.

Wednesday November 20th

After a incident in Transfiguration class, McGonagall, the old bat, assigned me a twelve foot essay on why I should not try to hex fellow students (Potter, Granger, Longbottom) into oblivion. If only she knew the agony they put me through.

Thursday November 21st

Sat with Ginny at the Gryffindor table during lunch. I was jumped by a mob of a Gryffindors and Terry Boot who politely asked me to leave. I hobbled back to my own table, but Diable stayed and peed in Harry Potter soup. He also left a large surprise in the spotted dick.

Had to help Hagrid trim the pitch grass. He made me use a pair of scissors. It took me forever. When his back was turned I used my wand. He looked rather befuddled, as per usual.

Friday November 22nd

I have been informed by Professor Cornelius that I am now passing Muggle Studies! With the lowest grade possible...but still! I am throwing a party!

Midnight: The party has winded down and I am lying in bed while Diable toys with another bug. I like the way he is turning out.

Pretty much everyone showed up to the party. Slytherins, Hufflepuffs, Ravenclaws, even most of Gryffindor. Ginny brought some of her brother's pastries and we slipped them to Terry Boot. He was moping in the corner of the room while Blaise savagely snogged with Harry Potter. It was disgusting! Granger waspouting as well. She and Boot just stood together, muttering under their breath. Perhaps she'll get together with him and stop being such a tightass.

Snape was once again the life of the party. He had a bit too much Butterbeer and started swinging from the chandelier. He decided to go to bed after he landed on Millicent Bulstrode.

Diable bit Harry Potter on the leg.

It was a very productive day.


Review Questions:

1) Is Draco's love for Ginny a good ratio between shallowness and actual affection?

2) Was green a good choice for Ginny's hair?

3) Is Harry a big enough prat?

4) Isn't Diable cute?

5) What are you going to be for Halloween?