All I Wanted
By: Lady DeathAngel
Disclaimer: not mine, not profiting, 'nuff said.
Warnings: Just some semi-angsty, fluff between two guys. Not your cuppa? Then it's time for your handy, dandy Back Button!
A/N: Just something that popped into my head at about two this morning. And just in time, too. I love Harry Potter to death and write it all the time, but I was starting to scare myself. . Anyway, this'll last either one more chapter or two, depending. At least one more though, so fret not! It's in Yuki's POV but next chapter should be Touya's. And what is with me and super-short chapters lately, now that we're on that subject? I'm really scaring myself now. .; But, onto the fic! Please read, enjoy and review.
I suppose he always thought I didn't notice it. All the sly glances and almost-caresses and the bolder looks when he was sure I wasn't looking that took me in from head to toe and toe to head and every which way. Of course I noticed, though. I may be naive and a bit flighty, but I'm not stupid. And besides, when you know you're in love with someone you search desperately for any hint they might feel the same about you.
In all honesty, I never thought he would feel the same. I hoped. I mean, when a guy attracts girls to him in droves and brushes them all off you wonder if, despite his mutters of 'I'll have plenty of time for girls later', he won't make time for girls ever. And while not overtly touchy-feely, if I ever got slightly depressed he was always willing to give me a one-armed hug that looked perfectly platonic but that held on longer than most merely friendly hugs did.
In the end, though, he was always treating me like his best friend, and having no real notions of what best friends did I assumed that was it. A part of me, once I figured out that what I was feeling had to be more than friendly, always wanted to show more affection. I'm a tactile person. Sometimes he'd give me a hug and I'd feel awkward and he'd say it was okay because I was the kind of person who touched and liked to be touched. So, realizing that I was in love with him I wanted to touch him more.
I wanted to be able to hold hands with him if only to feel the press of his palm against mine. I wanted to trace his features with my fingers, just examine him for hours with soft, lingering strokes and touches. I held back, sometimes going so far as to restrain myself completely. He'd always give me funny looks when I did that and make up for it by touching me even more than usual.
And then the touches started to change and I convinced myself that it didn't mean anything. But there were the looks, soft and searching, and I couldn't explain those away. All the signs I'd been watching for, for years were there. I didn't want to believe it and I don't think he did either and we pretended it wasn't happening. That he wasn't falling for me and that I wasn't trying hard to keep my hopes from getting too high because what if it only lasted a week? Or a month? God, even a year wouldn't be enough because I wanted him forever and longer.
And then Sakura said aloud what no one had. At least, not myself and certainly not anyone else. Touya was my number one and she knew it. She looked at me with eyes that tried so hard to be understanding and were, despite the ill-suppressed pain that bled through, and gave me her blessings. No questions. No doubt that what I felt was real. Just pure acceptance and encouragement and she said that she thought I was his number one too.
I wondered about it for a while, and the more I wondered the more I realized that I had to show some affection back. He was trying, at least a little bit, to convey his feelings. The least I could do would be to try to convey my own.
So I started with little touches of my own. Barely noticeable, really. An intentional brushing of fingers, an extra squeeze if he ever offered one of those one-armed hugs. He would ruffle my hair to show his affection and I'd tuck his behind an ear, or push his bangs away from his forehead. I was the fussy one, he was the playful one, and it worked for a while.
But I think that the more showy we got, the more we realized what we wanted. At least, that was how I felt. Sometimes having my hair tousled by his hand made my heart ache because I would compare what I had to what I wanted and what I had was good . . . but it wasn't what I wanted. We would study together and I'd find myself staring at him and I wished I could lean forward and brush his hair away from his eyes and press soft kisses to his forehead and his nose and his cheek and his jaw and his lips.
After Syaoran returned, anytime Sakura went out with him Touya insisted we go too. He trusted the boy, but he was a big-brother determined to worry over nothing. They were completely comfortable around us. Well, Sakura was, mostly because I was there to shut her brother up whenever he said something just to irk her date. Syaoran wasn't as comfortable, and blushed as red a street-light whenever she held his hand or leaned up against him.
Touya found it incredibly amusing whenever she fussed over him and he tried to push her off, blushing and clearly enjoying the attention. For payback's sake I would have done the same to him, but he didn't even pretend to dislike it anymore so my means of retribution would never work. Instead I would try to grant Sakura some degree of privacy, all the while watching her out of the corner of my eye, completely envious.
They were adorable together, but I wished I could have that. I would see them and glance at Touya and think, even more, about what I wanted.
I wanted to be able to hold him close for the sole purpose of feeling his body against mine. I wanted for him to turn that teasing smile on me and have my stomach drop, not in pseudo-anticipation, but with actual anticipation. I wanted to see that smile and know he was going to kiss me. Whether he teased me first or not, I wanted to know that I'd feel those lips against mine. I wanted to be standing, staring at nothing, and feel his arms slip around me from behind and know the comfort that action would bring.
Syaoran rarely did it with Sakura, but I'd seen him do it once and the look on her face was so sweet that I wondered what it would feel like.
Of course, then Touya walked up behind me and rested his arm playfully on the top of my head and teased me for being such a space-case before glaring at the cute couple in front of us. And I slipped out from under his arm and turned, wrapping my own around his waist and dragging him away to give them some time alone.
And what I had was good and enough. But not what I wanted.
