All I Wanted
By: Lady DeathAngel
Disclaimer: not mine, not profiting, 'nuff said.
Warnings: angsty sappiness
A/N: Well, this was finally finished due to the fact I got so much great feedback (thanks sooooo much guys!). I mean, it was always gonna happen, but I guess it decided to write itself so here it is. I must also credit the Brian/Justin fic binge I went on (Queer As Folk is a beautiful thang and they are just the greatest couple ever) which provided a lot of inspiration. More to come, so stay tuned! A happy ending will hopefully write itself. Also, if the end seems a bit OOC, it's kind of intended that way. Just to portray a role-reversal that we don't usually get to see but could be there. Oh, and this is a self-beta job. Much of my work nowadays is. Anyway, thanks again to all of you for the feedback. Hope you like it! As always, please read, enjoy and review.
There is absolutely nothing good to be said about being in love. At least not in my case. I'm sure the monster could think up some eloquent sweet little soliloquy about it. So could dad, for that matter. Hell, anyone who had had the sentiment returned probably had nothing bad to say about it. But I had nothing but bad to say about it. It hurt and it removed a lot of control from your life and . . . it wasn't all butterflies and sunshine that was for damn sure.
Maybe I wouldn't have minded it so much a few years before. Okay, I can honestly say that I didn't mind it so much a few years before. I'd been in love with Yuki for as long as I could remember and it hadn't been this bad before. It hadn't been a great time but it had been tolerable. I'd kind of liked the feeling I got when he smiled that sappy smile at me or when he worried a bit too much. Now I don't like that feeling anymore.
Not because I don't love him. I love him more than I ever thought it would possible to love someone who wasn't family. Just because it really, really hurts. I don't know what it is. I guess it's the fact that eventually you get to the point where it's just not enough. I mean, God, it's enough. It's enough to just be close to the person, it's almost more than enough to be able to hold them and touch them and tease and flirt. But there's something missing . . . something that I see all around me.
We go to a park and I see couples sitting under trees, laughing and talking the way Yuki and I do. But there's something intangible there, that knowledge that at any moment they can kiss or utter 'I love you' and they'll know exactly what the other means. We tag along with Sakura and the brat and those two are like a pair of damn newlyweds or something, always fussin' over each other and kissing when they think I'm not looking. And I want that with Yuki and me. I want it so bad I can taste it and there's nothing I can do about it.
Okay, so I've dropped hints. I've all but told him I'm madly in love with him and I touch him way more than any other friends I've ever seen touch each other. We're so close and I've tried to indicate that I want to be closer, you know, to the best of my ability. Which really isn't true because I could do so much more. I know I could do so much more. I could tell him, of course. Just come out and say it.
I've actually pictured that conversation in my head. Details after the initial, 'Yuki, I love you' are a bit fuzzy, but one thing is always the same. He always has that look on his face, the one that's so beautiful it makes everything I've ever done seem worth it, even if it was the stupidest possible action I could have taken.
I remember, one of the few times that I needed that look and he didn't fail to deliver was right after I gave him my power.
I was . . . lost. I'd wondered, when I was little, what it would be like to be blind or deaf or paralyzed. I couldn't imagine it because it would be too scary. And yes, I was a morbid kid to be having those thoughts, but I was empathetic to the plights of others. Besides, I wasn't like other, normal little ten-year-olds who didn't see their moms despite their deceased status.
Anyway, after I gave my power I knew a fraction of what it was like. But it was so much more powerful with me. I was blind, deaf, paralyzed . . . I wasn't whole anymore. I noticed it even in the sleep I couldn't rouse my body from. And I woke up and I looked around because I couldn't feel it anymore. I couldn't feel Sakura in the other room or dad in his study. I couldn't even feel Yuki beside me, inches away. I knew he was there but I couldn't feel him and I don't think I've ever been so scared in my life.
Of course, I didn't let it show. I just smiled and everything I told him was the truth despite the fact I was seconds away from the biggest panic attack any one had ever seen. But there was that smile, that dumb smile that was the most gorgeous thing in the world. And that look that said so much and glowed was enough to make me realize that it was worth it. I could have kept that part of myself but where would I be at that exact moment? Consoling a little sister who had been handed to much at too young an age and consoling myself.
Because, really, how could I live without him? He'd been an integral part of my life from the first moment I'd seen him, looking so young and scared surrounded by a gaggle of well-meaning girls who'd wanted to know his life story. I'd rescued him from them, saying I needed to talk to him if he really wanted to join the soccer team and he'd looked at me a bit confused, but there was that sappy smile. He knew it was all bullshit. He hadn't ever talked to me before in his life. But there I was, saving him on his first day of school.
He grinned at me on the way out of the classroom.
"Thanks," he told me in the most whole-hearted voice I'd ever heard before.
"No problem," I'd replied, throwing my arm across his shoulders. "But you do owe me now. How much money do you have on you?"
His um's and uh's were interspersed through a stuttered story of how he was broke but he was sure he could borrow some money from his grandparents and I finally shook my head and sighed.
"You're entirely too easy," I informed him, ruffling his hair. "And just for that, I think I like you."
His look had made me laugh.
"I don't know how I feel about that," he said.
"Feel good," I ordered. "It's not every day a shy little guy like you is gifted with my friendship."
He'd rolled his eyes, but I could tell I'd said the right thing.
"Are you really my friend?"
"I'm not some hero out of a manga," I said. "I don't just save people at random."
He took that for the 'yes' it was and grinned at me teasingly.
"Really? Because you look just like one."
And that was how he wormed his way right into my life and heart. We've been inseparable since then. Our relationship has grown since then, too. And I know, on some level, that he wants me the same way I want him. I can feel it in every touch and see it in every look.
I don't know, maybe I'm scared. I've never felt this way about anyone. I mean, I've loved people. My sister and my dad. I've liked people. Tomoyo and even that damn brat. But I've never been in love and it's scary because it entails so much more than just being in love. It can hurt as much as it feels good and it makes me say things I don't mean to say and do things that I don't think other people would do. I'd like to think that anyone who came into contact with Yuki would do anything to make sure he didn't disappear, but that's not true.
Sometimes I have nightmares where I wasn't there. Some nameless, faceless entity was there when he collapsed and some nameless, faceless entity was at the fork in the road and took the other path and Yuki was gone. I never got to say goodbye and I never saw him again. I wake up from those dreams and it'll be the middle of the night and I'll just call him. He always answers and he always knows its me.
The first time he was worried, now I can practically hear him smile that sweet, sappy smile over the phone.
"Another dream?"
"Yeah."
"It's okay. I'm here."
"I know."
"So, it's all right?"
"Promise you'll never leave?"
"Haven't we already had this conversation?"
"Stop teasing. I'm serious. I can't lose you, Yuki. I can't."
"I know. I'm sorry. I promise."
"That's good to hear. Sorry for waking you up."
"It's all right."
"See you tomorrow then."
"Yeah, see you."
"Good night."
"Hey Touya?"
"Yeah?"
"Do you promise too? I mean, promise you'll always be there?"
"Somebody's got to put up with your sappiness and I don't really mind."
"Don't lie, you love it."
"Point is, I promise too."
"That's good to hear. Good night."
"Sweet dreams."
I hang up the phone and roll over and fall asleep and dream of what I want and what we have and what we don't. And I want what we don't have so bad I wake up with that familiar feeling of being in love swirling in my stomach.
