Author's Note: Okay, this kind of came out of no where. I've decided to dub this 'the fic I do when I don't want to work on "An Alternate Afterlife.'" Yes, Chi-chi and Goku are divorced. She fell in love with the guy briefly mentioned in chapter nine of "An Alternate Afterlife." Goku, realizing how happy she was, gave his blessing. He technically has joint custody of Goten and Gohan, but due to circumstances (mostly Cell) Goten lives with him most of the time and Gohan lives with his mom. Yes Chi-chi and her husband have a daughter, but she isn't important and probably is never going to show up anywhere. I don't like OCs and Mint is there as a joke. I might write Part Two. Probably not until I hit writer's block again on "AAA." Anyway, enjoy.
Of course, it was to be expected that at first Eighteen was a little hesitant to accept Cell. He had, after all, absorbed her and Seventeen. However, when his response to her casual query of "Seen Dr. Gero lately?" Was several expletives, he began to grow on her. Seventeen being a few minutes older than her, she had always privately wanted a younger sibling and was pleased to get one, even if said sibling had ten inches and eighty pounds on her. Cell, for his part, had decided to adapt to life on Earth, and he knew a family was part of the package deal. He just didn't think getting a formerly bald monk as a brother-in-law was such a good bonus. Krillin reciprocated the feeling.
They didn't lack babysitters, but Marron had latched onto her android uncle almost as tightly as Goten had, and insisted on Cell being present for all family occasions. That was when the trouble started.
It was Marron's third birthday, and the congregation consisted of most of the Z-Fighters along with her friends from school and a few parents. Marron was happily opening her presents, her friends clustered around her and her parents looking on indulgently. For obvious reasons, Piccolo wasn't present, but Chi-chi and her husband Taro were talking with Marron's teacher about possible daycare opportunities, Bulma was making sure Trunks didn't prank the cake, Vegeta was glaring in a corner, and Gohan was acting pleasant and generally being the well brought up young man who had come to watch over his younger brother. Not that he needed to. Goten had a grip on Cell's hair that would have chocked a rhino, but Cell hardly noticed except to make sure the demi-saiyan's elder brother wasn't in the vicinity. He was sitting next to Goku, who was eating ramen, rice balls, and meat buns simultaneously. The android currently was expressing his current dislike of the situation to the saiyan, who didn't respond as his mouth was full but nodded at all the right parts.
"I don't understand how I ended up here. I don't remember flying or walking. My sister's brat says three words, and a week later I'm here, watching brats stuff themselves sick and throwing up all over the carpet. And can you believe that woman? 'A suit is hardly appropriate for a child's birthday party, and you are not going to wear a gi. There are enough rumors about our family as it is.' Then she drags me shopping. Shopping! Why in hell would I shop? I materialize clothing, for Kami's sake!" For Eighteen's part, she had done an admirable job. Wearing a skin tight black tank top and khakis with boots, Cell had attracted almost as many looks as his elder brother. He probably would have attracted more, but while Seventeen was unabashedly flirting with any female with a heartbeat, the younger android was sending off a tidal wave of negative vibes, though it was probably the saiyan garbage disposal nearby that really prevented the ladies from doing anything but send suggestive looks Cell's way.
Unfortunately for the ladies, Cell wasn't human, and lacked the know how to differentiate leers from stares. "'Rare skin condition,' my tail! These humans don't seem to be buying Eighteen's story at all!" Goku paused briefly in his eating. He had about as much human in him as Cell did, meaning zero, so similarly lacked the human hormone radar.
"You're right, Cell. . ."
"Seru," the android absently corrected him.
"Huh?"
"It's Seru, remember? Cell was the murderous android whom Hercule killed six years ago. Seru is Eighteen's younger brother who just came back from a foreign exchange program that lasted five years."
"Oh, right. Anyway, these people are staring. Huh, most of them are female. I wonder what's going on?"
"The feminine half of the human species has far more intuition than the male half. They obviously suspect something."
It was the aunt of Marron's best friend Ginger who finally had the nerve to go talk to the most intimidating member of the android family; Eighteen. "Um, miss Eighteen, that's your brother, right?" She cringed when the female android's icy gaze turned to meet her own. Eighteen's voice was indifferent.
"I presume you're referring to the albino idiot in the tank, and not the black-haired flirt who has promised to sleep with three women tonight already." Mint, for that was the young aunt's name, blushed prettily.
"As attractive as your twin brother is, he seems a bit. . . forward for me."
"You mean he's a slut."
"Well. . ."
"Don't worry, everyone else thinks he's a slut too. But he's a better choice than Tweedle-Dee over there."
"Um, Tweedle-Dee?"
"Tweedle-Dum would be the spike head devouring what's left of the buffet. Trust me, you don't want him." Mint turned a scandalized look towards Eighteen.
"He's your little brother! How can you say such things!"
"He's lucky I'm not doing much worse."
"What did he do to make you so angry at him?"
"Let's just say he was too much of a daddy's boy when we were younger, and leave it at that."
"He doesn't seem very social. If the customs were so different in the country he lived in, you should have him interact with others to get more comfortable, if he is going to live here."
"If you want to go on a date with him, ask him yourself." Mint turned away dejectedly.
It was then Bulma noticed the discussion. "Hey Eighteen, what was that about?"
"The human wants a date with my brother."
"Your brother. . .?"
"Not the slut."
"Well, I'm hardly surprised. Murderous android notwithstanding, he is extremely attractive. What did you say to her?"
"That she has to ask him herself."
"Not the most encouraging sister, are you?"
"I thought it would be rather stupid to send someone on a date with my brother, who thinks as a general rule humans are lower life-forms."
"Cell. . ."
"Seru."
"Seru needs to adapt eventually. He has been interacting with humans for a while and hasn't killed anyone, and should be taking the next step. You pretty much told poor Mint that you didn't approve of her, and she has such delicate feelings."
"Let me get this straight. You want Seru, who has never been on a date and hasn't even spoken to a human female besides those already romantically engaged, to date this Mint, with, how did you put it? 'Delicate feelings?'"
"Seru is a genius, Eighteen. I think he can figure out how to take a girl on a date."
"Seru is an alien android, Bulma. He has about as much social know how as an iguana."
"If Mint is so wildly unsuitable for Seru, she will be a good trial run for dating if he messes up."
"Whatever. It's not like I care."
Vegeta, who that moment had just happened to be walking by on the way to the buffet, snorted. "Didn't it ever occur to you women that the android might not want to date at all?" Both Eighteen and Bulma sent looks of incomprehension the saiyan prince's way. He rolled his eyes. "That poor sap. He had no idea what he was getting into when he decided to live on Earth." The women ignored him, Bulma finally noticing Trunks was suspiciously near the cake, and Eighteen making a trek towards Mint, determined to make plans for her little brother's first date. Never mind Cell had no idea any interaction involving him had taken place, arguing as he was with Goku over the last meat bun. The poor fool.
"Explain to me how I ended up at the mall less than a week after I vowed I would never enter this human vision of hell ever again."
"We need to pick up a tuxedo."
"Erm, besides the obvious fact I can conjure clothing, why do I need a tuxedo, exactly?"
"You are going on a date." The burrito paused halfway to Cell's mouth. He stared blankly at his elder sister, but she didn't say anything else, sipping as she was on her smoothie. Finally he broke the silence.
"A date." She paused briefly in enjoying her beverage.
"That's what I said."
"Why do I not remember planning to stick my tongue down a human's throat?"
This statement was unusual enough that Eighteen deigned to answer. "You aren't required to French on a first date, little brother."
"Seeing as you have never dated, per say, I wonder how you came by that information."
"Bulma was very informative on the matter."
"That still begs the question. How in Kami's name did I END UP ON A DATE?!" Eighteen ignored Cell's outburst for the most part, besides observing,
"You're crushing your burrito." The younger android glanced down at his hand, noticing that, yes in fact, his burrito was now rather squashed, though luckily still edible, as he had taken most of his outburst out on the table. Well, calling it a table now was really a matter of opinion. "Besides, I set you up."
"On a date."
"Yes."
"With a human."
"She sure isn't a namek."
"Why wasn't I informed?"
"Because you would have said no."
"Well, it could have saved you some trouble. I'm saying no now."
"No you aren't. The reservations have already been made."
"So what?" "I'm not going to lose my deposit at the restaurant and limo company."
"I was under the impression that usually the participants in the date decided where to go."
"Fine, where are you taking Mint?"
"Who?"
Your date."
"Well, a movie first would probably. . . wait a moment. I'm not taking her anywhere because I'm not going!" Eighteen looked at him blandly as she finished off her smoothie.
Cell wasn't exactly sure how his proclamation ended up with him in the tuxedo shop being measured for the most expensive suit in the place. Apparently he wasn't even trusted to choose his clothing for the date he didn't want to go on with a human he didn't want to know, but apparently older sisters are the same no matter what species you are.
"Well?" It was three days later, approximately forty-six hours and thirteen minutes before what the females involved were calling "The First Date." Cell was calling it a pain in the ass, though not within Goten's hearing on pain of death from Chi-chi. He was currently asking Goku about dating. This wasn't the best choice, as Goku had never been on a date either, but quite frankly the only person vaguely qualified to ask about this sort of thing besides Bulma (who was female and a collaborator of the enemy, therefore unsuitable) was Yamcha, who was an idiot (Cell was slightly biased, as his initial and last impression of the human had been that of a quivering mass of nerves who had looked fit to faint at the mere sight of him) and unmarried at forty (this wasn't biased, so is probably a better reason, but whatever). Well, there was Seventeen, but Cell knew from the numerous soap operas he had seen on daytime television that the last person you ask about dating is your older brother. Goku was divorced, but he had been married at one point so had to have some idea of how romance went with humans.
"They like to make dinner for you." Goku wracked his brain a little more. "And sex." Fine. Goku knew less than Cell about romance, which was nothing.
"Human females like to cook for males and have sex with them? Isn't there anything else?"
"Well, that's all I ever did with Chi-chi."
"That's probably why your marriage failed."
"Our marriage was annulled because I died, Cell."
"I think I am beginning to see why Eighteen won't let me plan this thing."
"Yeah, Chi-chi never let me choose where we went either."
((It's just a date. Less than four hours with a human. We eat, we go to that movie, I take her home. That's it.)) Cell watched as Seventeen and Krillin sent him looks of sympathy as Bulma continued to give her instructions, most of which seemed very flexible.
"Kiss her hand when she first walks up to you, unless she's shy, then just hand her the roses. . ." The android glanced to the side and was startled to see Vegeta give him a glance of utter pity.
((If that's it, why do I get a feeling of dread in the pit of my stomach?)) He finally tuned in to what Bulma was saying,
". . .just remember to never do that, and you'll be fine. Oh look, your limo's here." She pushed him out the door, and Cell had time for one look of complete panic at the men assembled before he was shoved into the limo and sent off to Sunflower Avenue.
((Remember what? What am I supposed to avoid? What did that infernal woman say!?"))
To be continued. . .
