Author's Note: Apparently this fic has a three month update schedule. Anyway, this is now the story I work on when I'm not working on "A Conceivable Outcome." I actually know how the next chapter of that is going to go, but I'm not in the mood for angst. I actually wanted to write something else funny, either "Hercule, Savior of Earth" or "Why Going Into Alternate Universes Generally Isn't A Good Idea," but I knew part two then would never get written. This might have mention in future chapters anyway, so it's good to get out of the way.

As for the religion jokes in this chapter, I have absolutely nothing against Jews or Mormons. In fact, one of my better friends is Orthodox Jewish and I can count three Mormons among my friends, one of whom I sit with in class all the time and we have fun ragging other people. I don't know how this turned to slash. It was completely unplanned. Don't worry, it's very, very mild. I actually enjoyed writing this, near the end, though I hate FFN. Those new modifications cut out a lot of stuff.

Sunflower Avenue wasn't named very accurately. The predominant theme seemed more in the way of daffodils than sunflowers, but Cell supposed that it being spring and not summer had something to do with it. The houses were utterly typical, and other than some slight variations in color, completely identical. There were toys strewn about the yards, but no children present, as it was after six. The fact that it was still light seemed rather irrelevant. There were no weeds. There was no garbage. But there were lawn gnomes (he hadn't actually known these existed outside of bad horror movies) and white picket fences. All in all, it was everything that Cell had envisioned years ago when he had decided blowing up the Earth would be doing the universe a favor. The sudden urge to kill everyone and everything within a mile radius was almost overwhelming.

Cell thought of sparring with Goku. He thought of beating the snot out of Gohan until the demi-saiyan could no longer breath due to collapsed lungs. He even imagined what Bulma (and Eighteen) would do to him if they ever found out he was contemplating murdering hundreds, if not thousands of people based on how neat their lawns were. It lasted him until he arrived at 0666 Sunflower Avenue. Barely.

She was late. Only by three minutes, but any kind of tardiness was a good excuse when he wanted to get out of there as badly as he did. Still. . . thoughts of Bulma again ran through his head, and with a sigh, he resolved to give her five more minutes. Murphy's Law, as always, being in effect, she walked out the door precisely four minutes and fifty seconds later.

She was pretty, in a demure, understated, modest sort of way. Her dress showed nothing that would be remotely interesting to a human male, and was light blue in color, going down to swish about her ankles. She had a pink bow in her light brown hair. All in all, very boring. He had expected as much, though before now he had never seen her. A Bulma side note suddenly decided to make itself known. ((Kiss her hand when she first walks up to you, unless she's shy, then just hand her the roses.)) She looked 'shy' he supposed. Though what, exactly, did shy look like? He couldn't recall ever meeting any shy people. It was always pretty clear from the get go whether they wanted to associate with him or not. There was none of that sending false signals human foolishness. Well, he might as well err on the side of caution.

"These are for you." He gave the roses to her as she started to climb into the limo. This wasn't as romantic as it sounded, mainly because of his purely matter-of-fact tone. However, as his voice sounded somewhat suave by nature, (Cell wasn't aware of this, but pretty much everyone he talked to thought he was flirting with them . . until they realized he wasn't. This revelation usually came about when they tried to flirt back, and Cell either had no idea what they were doing, or thought they were threatening him. This almost ended rather morbidly several times before Eighteen instructed Cell to just stop talking to people for extended intervals. He was more than happy to comply.) Mint was somewhat flattered. She hadn't gotten the most positive perspective on Cell from Eighteen, but in his extremely well-fitting tux, slicked back hair with one misbehaving curl, and all around gorgeousness, she soon forgot her prior misapprehension. And as with most women, she had something of a kink for tall, dark, and moody, and two out of three isn't bad.

"Th-thank you."

"You're welcome."

There was an awkward silence. Mint tried to break it. "You know, I never did find out where you went on that foreign exchange program." She still wasn't looking at him. What was wrong with this human?

"South Africa." Eighteen and Bulma had worked out his back story. His accent was rather distinctly British, but that wouldn't account for his rather high number of social gaffs. Most people didn't know what South Africans sounded like, but most of the Caucasian populace was descended from English colonists, and their culture was sufficiently alien to explain such issues as Cell's characteristic abruptness with people he didn't know.

"Oh. Was it nice there?"

"Rather dusty." Another pause.

"Was your transfer for academics?"

"Not really." The back story said yes, it was for school, but Cell really didn't care. He didn't see the point of lying to someone whose opinions he didn't care about.

"Then what for?"

"To get away from my family."

"Why would you want to do that?" Amazing. She actually looked like she didn't know any reasons you'd want to get away from your relations. Cell wondered how she would react to the truth. Might as well find out.

"My elder brother killed my father. I then attempted to kill my elder brother, though in hindsight, father deserved it. My sister got in the way. I attempted to kill her as well. Some friends of one of our. . . cousin (well, he certainly couldn't call Sixteen his brother) interfered. I killed my cousin, then I left when I couldn't succeed in killing my brother and sister. They only recently forgave me for siding with father, and that's only because I admitted I was wrong. I'm still paying for it." Alright, he had left some details out, but he was trying to alienate her, not send her into hysterics with her later going on national television to completely blow everyone's cover.

"Your brother killed your father and you killed your cousin."

"Yes."

"Oh. Where are we going for dinner?" Cell blinked. That was it? No fear, no paling of the skin, no horrified disgust? What was going on?

"Don't you care?"

"I don't like to comment on the problems of other families. My brother married a Mormon, and I certainly wouldn't appreciate it if my date said something disparaging about my family."

"What's so bad about marrying a Mormon?"

"We're Jewish."

"Um, should you be dating me, then?"

"I will quote you something my father once said to me: 'If they have no religion, then they can always be converted.'"

"Actually, I do believe in God." He had even met him once, though Mint probably wouldn't appreciate hearing that God was a short, green, pointy-eared alien with confrontation issues.

"It really is a lot easier to convert agnostics than atheists. You already have your faith, you just need a group to commune with."

"I prefer to communicate with Kami on my own time."

"As long as you don't have any relatives in Utah. . ." (1)

They sat in silence the rest of the ride.

SWITCH

"Why are we following Cell, again?"

"Bulma and Eighteen want a minute-to-minute report on his date."

"Isn't that an invasion of his privacy?"

"Hey, do you want to tell them no? Those two combined make Frieza look like a daisy."

"He already looked kind of girly-ish. . ."

"That's beside the point. The point is that there is no way Cell is going to pull this off, and I want to be there when he screws up."

Krillin looked at Yamcha, eyebrow raised. "I didn't know you hated him that much."

"I don't. It's just that he is the only one of the former villains with a chance of being humiliated and not killing everyone within five miles of him. I mean, can you see what would happen if they did this to Vegeta or Piccolo?"

"Chi-chi made Piccolo take driving lessons once."

"I didn't get to see it." Yamcha plastered the binoculars again to his face. "They're getting out of the limo. Wow, Cell's actually helping her. I guess he was listening when Bulma gave him all those instructions."

"You know, I thought you'd be more worried about this."

"Why would I be worried?"

"I'm his brother-in-law. The most he would do is beat me up a little. But you? If he caught us. . . I don't know if you'd survive."

The former desert bandit lowered the binoculars, slightly more pale than he had been a few moments before. "Why didn't Seventeen get forced to this, again?"

"He has a date."

"Well, shit, I could have used that excuse."

"No, he actually has a date. She came to Capsule Corporation just as we were leaving. Really cute, but. . . don't tell Eighteen I said that."

". . .You know, Krillin, I think my mid-life crisis just started."

"What do you mean, Yamcha?"

"Think about it, Krillin. You have Eighteen, Tien has Lunch, Piccolo is asexual, even Vegeta has. . . Bulma. I'm the only one."

"Goku isn't married."

"He's divorced and has two sons to carry on his legacy. The android brothers look like they're in their twenties, and it isn't like they have to worry about aging. . ."

"I think they're younger than that."

"ANYWAY, my point is that I'm the only one without a significant other. I'm forty years old, Krillin. I dated Bulma for over fifteen years. I thought we would always be together. And now. . ."

"No offense, Yamcha, but it's a bit late for that. You and Bulma broke up nearly ten years ago."

"Well, yeah, but after her, everyone else kind of pales in comparison. And by my age, all the good ones have already been snatched up. I'm going to die alone."

". . .geez, Yamcha, I never knew you felt. . . where'd they go?"

"What do you mean. . . oh shit." They couldn't sense Cell and Mint in the restaurant.

"Eighteen is going to kill me."

"Not if Bulma gets to us first."

SWITCH

Eighteen couldn't have picked a more stereotypical, snobby restaurant. Not that Cell had any problems with snobby. He could pull off stuck-up quite well when the mood took him. It just irritated the android on some level that humans acted so superior when they were one of the weakest races in the known universe, and didn't even know it. But by Kami. . . FRENCH food? If Cell wanted snails, he could have picked them off of Chi-chi's yard. Mint didn't seem to like it much either. As far as he could tell.

"Well. . . at least it's color coordinated."

"It's a set menu. Damn. . . whose bright idea was it to serve asparagus in a lemon sauce? That won't taste good no matter how skilled the chef is. Much too tart."

As Mint surveyed the menu, her face fell. "The main course is a pork dish." (2)

"I am really beginning to hate my sister." They stood in gloomy silence.

"You know, there's a pretty good Italian place down the street."

"Pizza?"

"They make a mean tomato and onion."

". . . any pineapple?"

"Well, I think they use canned."

"Good enough."

SWITCH

Something was completely and utterly wrong with the universe. This farce of a date was supposed to be barely tolerable, not enjoyable. The fact that Mint actually owned some Eminem and Mozart CDs and despised Britney Spears with a passion counteracted all previous misconceptions of her that Cell had previously held. That, and the fact she spent her spare time snowboarding when she wasn't organizing political protests against the suppression of third world countries.

". . . and then they brought out the tear gas, but we gained two thousand new signatures on our petition, so it wasn't a total loss." She bit into her pizza, chewed, and swallowed. They were ten minutes in, and the large pie was already three quarters gone. Cell had only eaten two pieces.

"So, what do you do?"

". . .hmm?" He couldn't figure out how she ate so quickly without getting a drop of tomato sauce on her very expensive looking dress. Maybe it was just a power all women gained when they passed twenty. "Oh, I work as a litigator."

"A lawyer? Wow, you don't look the type."

"I was kind of forced into it."

"By your family?"

"No, just by extraneous circumstances."

"Who was the guy you were sitting next to at the party?"

"Goku. We live together."

"Is he a good roommate?"

"Besides the fact that he burns water, yes. (3) We met at a fighting tournament."

"So you're a fighter."

"I spar when I have the time."

"I've never met a warrior-lawyer before."

"Ummm. . ." She was smiling. So that had been a joke. "Well, I haven't met any others, either."

". . .would you like to go dancing?

"I've. . . never danced before." The Fusion Dance only counted if you were wasted.

"Trust me, the place I'm thinking of, everyone is going to be worse than you or so stoned they won't care." So much for the good little Jewish girl. Cell found it hard to be upset at himself for being wrong about her.

SWITCH

"How did you find this place?" He had to yell. The music was so loud he could barely hear himself, much less Mint. Good thing she had a strong set of lungs.

"I had an interesting adolescence."

"How so?"

"I would show you the mug shots, but I lost them. Or mom burned them. She did say they disgraced the family. She's probably right. I was pretty high when the police got a hold of me." Reeeeally not a good little Jewish girl. "Hey don't look at me like that. It was just possession of an illegal drug, it wasn't like I stole anything or killed someone, unlike you, Mister Relation Killer."

"You aren't what I expected."

"I'd say the same, except my only preconceptions of you were, "Wow, hottie, what a nice butt, and is that hair color natural?" He couldn't help blushing just a little. Damn his pale skin.

"The hair's natural." Mint was right, though. No one here danced well at all, except they were all emitting a weird. . . vibe. The incense he was breathing in probably had something to do with it.

"I used to love the rave scene. Then I cleaned up, and now it's just kind of fun to watch. People act really stupid when they're stoned to the gills."

"It's certainly interesting."

"Interesting as in 'I can't think of a more positive adjective,' or interesting as in 'wow, what are those people doing?"

"The latter. What ARE they doing, by the way?"

"I'm not sure I know. Or want to. Want to dance?"

"No."

"Me neither."

SWITCH

They left Club Smoke two hours later. Despite the fact that Cell had been forced to turn down not one, but nine joints, the experience had been enjoyable. Alarmingly so. Despite the fact her choice in restaurants was terrible, Cell was facing the disturbing prospect of apologizing to Eighteen for being so obstinate about the whole date thing. The limo stopped in front of her house.

"I've been meaning to ask you. What's with the house? And the lawn gnomes?"

"This is my brother's house. I'm staying here because my apartment building is being fumigated for fire-ants. I have no idea why he has lawn gnomes. I think his father-in-law is in the business."

"Ah."

They stood awkwardly on the doorstep. It was past midnight, and the house was dark.

"This was fun."

"Yes." More silence.

"So. . . are you going to kiss me, or not?"

"Umm. . ." Why couldn't he stop blushing? She leaned forward. He backed the other way.

"I can't. I. . ." Damn it, damn it, DAMN IT! Why couldn't he complete a sentence? She looked startled, but a calculating look suddenly crossed her face, which rapidly went to understanding.

"Oh Seru, I'm so sorry. You didn't want this date did you? You just came along because your sister set you up with me." How the hell had she figured that out?

"You seemed so uncomfortable, and your awkwardness with your family. . . I should have known, seeing as I don't get along well with a lot of my family either." Women were psychic. Had to be.

"It's so hard when family doesn't accept you." He wasn't that broken up about it, but she was working from a human's perspective, so. . .

"You're gay, aren't you?" Huh?

"I heard your roommate divorced because he left his wife, but how difficult it must have been for him to leave with you. And leave his children behind, at that." She couldn't be talking about Goku.

"With your families being friends, coming out of the closet must have been heart wrenching, and having to go all the way to South Africa to get away and not have your families accept you for five years. . . you are a very strong person to have followed your heart." Oh Kami, she WAS talking about Goku.

"I can't say I'm not a little disappointed (you are gorgeous, after all), but we can still be friends. I've never had a gay friend before."

"Mint, I'm not sure you have the story exactly straight. . ."

"Oy, Ce. . . Seru!" Goku couldn't have possibly had worse timing as he came out of nowhere (quite literally, as he had used Instant Transmission). "I thought you said the date wouldn't take so long. You're lucky I remembered to tape 'Will and Grace' for you." When Cell finally died again, he was going to visit hell and beat the crap out of Bardock for ever revealing the existence of that sitcom (4).

"Come on, Seru, Goten's still awake. He won't go to bed until you read him the next chapter of 'Winnie the Pooh.'" With every word, Mint's eyes grew more and more knowing.

"And you promised you'd make pancakes before we sparred tomorrow. We have to go to bed now if we're going to get up before the sun rises." Damn those eyes! Woman, you know nothing! Nothing!

"Goku, please give us a minute."

"Huh? Okay." The saiyan wandered over to the side of the road. Mint smiled at Cell.

"He's very sweet."

"So I've heard. Mint. . ."

"Don't worry, I understand." She kissed him on the cheek, and handed him a slip of paper. "Here's my phone number. Call me if you ever want to bitch about your boyfriend."

"Mint. . ."

"Have a good time with him." She winked. "He looks like a keeper."

"Listen, women, I don't think. . ." She closed the door in Cell's face, leaving him to wonder if he had been right all along about the level of her intelligence.

"Hey Seru, you done yet?"

"She's gone, Goku. You can call me by my real name now." Goku cocked his head sideways. The android let out an irritated sigh, and pinched the bridge of his nose. "And yes, I'm done."

"Okay."

SWITCH

Goten fell asleep just after Pooh received the message in the bottle Piglet had sent. Goku stood right outside the demi-saiyan's bedroom as Cell closed the door behind him.

"Goten asleep?"

"Would I be leaving his room if he wasn't?"

"I guess not." Cell headed to his own room, Goku trailing behind him. "So, how'd your date go?"

"Better than I expected, though it ended on a rather odd note."

"Well, better than it ending on a bad note."

"I suppose so." They arrived at the android's doorway. Goku didn't move.

"Goku, you can leave now."

"Cell, I thought I should tell you something." At that, the saiyan pressed his lips lightly against the android's. The blush Cell had felt in Mint's presence was nothing compared to the inferno that lit his face as Goku quickly pulled away, smiling shyly. "In case you didn't already know, you're. . . a keeper too."

Cell could only stand there with his mouth hanging open as Goku left, presumably for his own room. There was silence for several moments.

"The intuitiveness of the females on this planet is disturbing. . ."

SWITCH

"Bulma, Eighteen, we're really, really sorry. I don't know how it happened, but Krillin and I lost. . ."

"Shhhh!"

"What are you three doing?" Apparently the human and the android twins were watching television, except there were several monitors. And all of them showed different views of the house Cell and Goku occupied in the woods.

"You bugged Goku's house?!"

"Relax, we only did it this morning. We'll remove the cameras tomorrow."

"Eighteen, sweety, why are you monitoring Cell and Goku?"

"It was Seventeen's idea."

"Aren't I brilliant?"

"It was MY plan."

"Bulma, you are already an acknowledged genius. Your ego doesn't need more stroking. Besides, it WAS a good idea."

"What plan?"

"Quiet, Yamcha."

"I won't be quiet! I want to know what's going. . . oh."

"Yes, oh."

"We're taping this right?"

"I'd kill myself if we weren't."

"At least this will make Chi-chi feel better about her looks." There was silence.

"Or maybe not, seeing as Chi-chi. . . isn't going to find out?"

"I knew I didn't marry a total idiot."

"Bulma, you really set this up?"

"Yamcha, the attraction between Cell and Goku was OBVIOUS."

"It was?"

"It was. And I was sick of them dodging around the issue. So we set Cell up to make Goku jealous."

"Wouldn't it have worked better to make Cell jealous?"

"No, for two reasons. One, Goku is less oblivious to his feelings than Cell. Two, Goku would have inevitably screwed up his date, which would hardly lead to feelings of possessiveness from his potential lover, who was in complete denial of having anything resembling feelings."

"Eighteen, why did you go along with this?"

"Anything that leads to pain for my little brother is worth it. And nothing is more painful than love."

"Ain't that the truth."

"Hey, Bulma, do you think Cell will give me Mint's phone number? She was pretty cute. . ."

"Not a chance, Yamcha."

FIN

Notes:

1) A joke about the recent scandals involving Mormon men with multiple wives.

2) Orthodox Jews follow a kosher diet, one of the restrictions being they can't eat any form of pig.

3) A common joke about people who can't cook.

4) Chapter Sixteen of "An Alternate Afterlife" has Bardock leaving prematurely after meeting with Cell because he isn't sure of Radditz's ability to use the VCR to tape 'Will and Grace.' This leads to Cell researching the show and becoming obsessed, to his utter horror.