Big author's note: I knew that I would write a Harry Potter Fanfic sometime, I just didn't realize it would be so soon. You can check out my bio and IM me. I don't care. PLEASE DON'T FLAME ME... too badly. I don't tan easily, I just get burnt to a crisp. I loved this song since the first time I heard it. The more I thought about it, the more I realized that it's SO UNLIKE SNAPE it fits him perfectly. So, yeah... ooc Snape, but read on.
When No One Is Watching
(A/N) The writing in: italics are thoughts. lyrics are bold. -actions are in dashes-
It was finally Christmas during Harry's sixth year. Once again, Ron and Hermione opted to stay with him at school. Like Harry's third year, there were only a few that stayed. This was a welcome relief, considering the size that stayed during their forth year. The trio made sure they took full advantage of the three remaining weeks left of unlimited free time. Hermione even managed to pull herself away from her studies to join the boys in snowball fights and skating on the lake. (actually it was magicked so that the lake was half frozen ice, half water.) They had to be careful not to skate too near the edge, or they'd come in contact with the giant squid. Sometimes they would visit Hagrid, but for the most part, they explored the castle with the help of Moony, Wormtail, Padfoot, and Prongs.
Lunch was alive with conversation. Sitting around the table were Harry, Hermione, Ron, a second year Ravenclaw boy, third year Hufflepuff twin girls, and a seventh year Gryffindor who only stayed behind because he never had in the past.(Ron sighed, "Finally, no stupid Slytherins") Out of the staff there was Prof. Dumbledore, Prof. McGonagall, Prof. Flitwick, Prof. Sprout, Madame Hooch, and "the greasy git" Snape, the Potions master.(Harry added to Ron's comment saying, "Unfortunately, he is here.") The three friends were eating and plotting their next 'adventure,' when Ron got very quiet. He looked very confused, nudged Harry, and pointed in Snape's direction. One thing for sure, Snape was not on Earth mentally. He had a minute crooked smile plastered on his face, and he was slightly bobbing his head back and forth. He shook himself out of his reverie shortly afterwards, shooting a nasty look at Harry.
They immediately went back to eating. It was obvious that something strange was going on with Snape. Not even five minutes later, Snape was getting up from the table. He whispered something to Dumbledore, and the silver-haired headmaster just nodded. The professor swept out of the room, his black robes billowing out behind him. Harry made a circling gesture in the air, by his temple, with his index finger, and jerked his thumb towards Snape, indicating he thought Snape was crazy. Dumbledore began talking, and the deal with Snape was temporarily forgotten.
#Okkay, this message is a port key that will transport you into the mind of Snape.#
That was almost too close, if that Potter would have known what was going through my mind, it would have been the end of me for sure. He paused then again, he cracked into a smile, I just can't help myself. He walked over to a set of cabinets, and checking to make sure no one was watching, pulled out a stack of…CD's. The only benefit of living so close to a Muggle town is the fact I can keep tabs on the entertainment that is circling throughout the world. Surprisingly, Snape was quite a music fan. He had plenty of Scott Joplin, Arlo Guthrie, Victor Borges, some oldies, and of course his favorite, the king of parodies and polka master himself, "Weird Al" Yankovic! It was so nice of Minerva to give me his new CD for Christmas. He pulled out Poodle Hat and something that looked like a Phillips screwdriver with buttons on the side. Setting it upright, so that the point was facing upwards, he placed the CD over it. The CD hovered around the bar in the center and above the base. Snape pushed a button, and the disc began spinning. He pushed another button to skip the first track. When the music started he sang…
"Nothing ever (ever) happens in this town
Feeling low down (down), not a lot to do around here
I thought that I would go right out my mind
When a friend told me THE NEWS…"
#Now let's go see what Potter and the gang are up to#
"Hermione, aren't you almost done with that?"
"Yes, Ron, just let me read one more paragraph."
Ron rolled his eyes and slumped himself down into one of the chairs in the Gryffindor common room. Turning to Harry he whispered, "If this is her idea of fun, I don't even want to know what she classifies as 'boring.' Fifteen minutes later, the sound of book slamming shut, whipped through the silence, causing a dozing Ron to jump.
"I'm done. Are you happy now, Ron?" She said laying the book on the small table beside her chair.
The red-head rubbed his eyes and asked tiredly, "Was that all one paragraph?"
Hermione glared at Ron and snapped, "This book happens to be very interesting and quite informative." She gave Ron a very smug look.
"What is it then?" Ron asked.
"Oh, you wouldn't like it, it's..."
"'How to Hang a Spoon,' by Joe Martin ..." Unbeknownst to Hermione, Harry picked the book from the table.
Ron cocked his eyebrows, "Is this for a class?"
"No, silly, this is a gift from my Uncle Bert. He's a bit of a jokester."
Both Harry and Ron smiled and shook their heads at their unpredictable friend. They sat in silence for a while, wondering what to do now. Then, all at once, everyone was spouting ideas.
"We could skate?"
"No we already did that today ."
"Well how about sneaking down and getting food?"
"No way, I'm stuffed from lunch still."
"Sneak out to Hogsmeade?"
"What for? Is food all you ever think about. Besides, we don't need anything else at the moment."
"We could always visit Hagrid."
"Remember, Hermione, he's visiting Madame Maxime."
"Ah yes, how could I forget."
"Snape," Harry spoke.
"What? Where?" Asked a wide-eyed Ron.
"No no, Remember what we saw, then he left early?"
"Oh yeah, I wonder what that was all about."
The three of them, Hermione included, broke in to mischievous grins.
"Let's find out," said Harry, as he stood up. Harry got his invisibility cloak and the Marauder's Map to pin-point Snape's location. According to the map Snape was in the dungeon, and as they got closer, they heard singing. It kept growing in volume, barely opening the door, they listened as their Potions professor belted out... a polka medley. There was a sudden intake of breath, as Harry realized he knew who this singer was, he closed the door carefully.
"It's "Weird Al" Yankovic!" Harry whispered excitedly, "This is so awesome."
"Weird Al? Didn't he sing songs like, "You Don't Love Me Anymore," "Dare to be Stupid," "Amish Paradise" and "Albuquerque"?"
"Yeah," said Harry, "You mean to tell me you've heard of him, Hermione?"
"Of course, Harry, with an uncle like Bert, how could I not. I love the song "Yoda" and my parents can't get enough of "Cavity Search", since they are dentists and all."
Making sure they were well hidden under the cloak they opened the door to watch Snape.
#Read on. Mother, may I? Yes you may.#
Snape had just made an accordion disappear out of thin air, when a jazzy trumpet sound filled the air. Yes, I love this song. If I was a little less self-conscience, I would sing this at the staff talent show... maybe... yeah right. He snapped his fingers and the lights extinguished. Now a spotlight hung directly over him, following his every move. With a swish of his wand a microphone stand materialized in front of him. Picking up the mike, he "sexily" sauntered towards the center of the room and sang...
I don't have a library card
But do you mind if I check you out?
-Snape flicks his wand and a skeleton dances toward him-
I like your skeletal structure baby
You're an ecto-morph, no doubt
-The skeleton disappears in a small cloud...-
Your face is real symmetrical
-...which quickly transforms into a nose.-
And your nostrils are so ni-ice
I wish that I was cross-eyed girl
-He crosses his eyes and holds up two fingers-
So I could see you twice
Girl you smell like Fritos
That's why I'm giving you this hungry stare
-He licks his lips.-
You're so hot you're gonna melt
The elastic in my underwear
-His pants drop revealing black boxers, while Harry and Ron slap their hands over Hermione's eyes.-
I bet you're magically delicious
-Snape picks up his pants -
Like a bowl of Lucky Cha-arms
You'd look like Venus de Milo
If I just cut off your arms
-Snape's arms disappear then reappear-
What I'm trying to say is...
-During the chorus Snape began to move sensually to the groovin' beat-
I wanna be your lover baby
I need somebody to love
You know I just wanna be your lover baby
I need somebody to lo-ove
-During the interlude, he made his way over to the right side of the room-
Do you believe in love at first sight
-Another Snape followed closely behind-
Or should I walk by again?
My love for you's like diarrhea
I just can't hold it in
Stop, drop and roll now
'Cause baby you're on fire
-He slashes his wand and a trail of flames follows then quickly extinguish-
I'll bet your outfit
Makes a lot of noise in the dryer
You're absolutely perfect
Don't speak now you might spoil it
-Snape wand swishes and a toilet pops out of no where-
You're eyes are even bluer
Than the water in my toilet
-Blue water spouts out from the toilet like a fountain. The toilet quickly disappears, and Snape turns his back from the trio's hiding spot. He then wraps his arms around himself to give the impression of intimacy-
Say has anyone ever told you
You've got Yugoslavian ha-ands?
No of course not, that would be stupid
-He stops and turns around, shaking his head as if trying to cover up his embarrassment-
Just forget I ever brought it up
The point I'm trying to make is.
-And we're back to chorus dancing-
I wanna be your lover baby
I need somebody to love
You know I just wanna be your lover baby
I need somebody to lo-ove
I wanna be your Krakatoa
Let my lava flow all over you
-Does a Kiss tongue wiggle-
I wanna be your anaconda
And your heat-seeking missile, too
I wanna be your beef burrito
-Tapping himself, he's semi-transparent for an instant-
Am I making this perfectly clear?
-Next, he jumps up on top of a table...-
I wanna be your love torpedo
-and executes...-
Are you picking up the subtle innuendo here?
-a pelvic thrust to punctuate the...-
"Uh-huh"
-Now he's back on the ground with his back to Harry and Co.-
I hope I'm not being forward
-He's busy doing something while the mike hangs loosely in the air-
But do you mind if I chew on your butt?
-He gives a backwards glance and bites the air seductively-
You can tell me truthfully
-The black robe falls so that he's is now clad in pants and shoes-
Am I a steamin' hunk of love now or what?
-Turning around he reveals his a. 'well sculpted chest' b. 'Overly skinny and pale chest' (AN: Take your pick)-
There aren't enough o's in "smooth"
-Draws o's in the air with his wand-
To describe how smooth I a-am
Maybe you've seen my picture
-With a swish and flick a clap of thunder emphasizes the end of the next line-
It's in the dictionary under "Kablaam!"
-He makes his way back to the front of the room and places the mike back into the long abandoned stand. From this point on he dances and points and winks at his "audience"-
My lips are registered weapons
Can I invade your personal space?
You must have fallen from heaven
That would explain how you messed up your face
Well, how'd you get through security?
'Cause baby, you're the bomb
-Snape smiles and laughs-
I'd like to take you home right now
So you can meet my Mom
Because I
-Yes, he's still dancing away-
I wanna be your lover baby
I need somebody to love
You know I just wanna be your lover baby
I need somebody to lo-ove
-Snape gives himself dreads, a brightly colored hat, and maracas then dances to the ska beat-
Girl you must be Jamaican because Jamaican me crazy
Girl you must be Jamaican because Jamaican me crazy
I wanna be your lover baby
I need somebody to love
You know I just wanna be your lover baby
I need somebody to lo-ove
Yeah Yeah Yeaaaah
I wanna be your lover
I wanna be your lover
-Finally Ron cracks and falls over in a fit of silent laughter. The cloak slips revealing part of Potter's face and upper body.-
I wanna...
Hey wait a second that's
"POTTER!!" Snape screamed. The door shut quickly, and Snape heard the sounds of footsteps and laughter echoing throughout the dungeon halls. The three friends reached the common room door barely able to breath the password (Eena-korit), once inside, their laughter continued on for a good minute or so.
"That is the best thing I have ever seen in my entire life," breathed Ron.
"I think it'd be a good idea to keep this to ourselves," said Hermione.
The look on Ron's face was a mixture of confusion and shock, " Why would we want to do that?"
Harry interjected, "Hermione does have a point. We could have a private joke, besides it's too funny to tell other people. Plus, we now have..."
"Blackmail," replied a grinning Ron. They settled the matter by shaking each others hands.
"I think we know what to do tomorrow, mates." Ron and Hermione nodded in an unspoken agreement.
Ron sighed and exclaimed, "I doubt I'll ever see that old bat the same way again," he paused than began singing softly, "Girl you must be Jamaican...
"Because Jamaican me crazy," The other two finished before bursting into a fit of giggles once again.
The End
Thank you, thank you. Loved it, hated it, let me know. My deepest thanks go to those who read this story. Out of the hundreds of stories submitted daily what are the odds that you would pick my story to waste your time. The two songs are from "Weird Al" Yankovic's CD, Poodle Hat. Go buy it. In order of appearance they are: Hardware Store and Wanna B Ur Lovr The other (mentioned) songs are on the following CD's You Don't Love Me Anymore: Off the Deep End, Dare to be Stupid: Dare to Be Stupid, Amish Paradise: Bad Hair Day, Albuquerque: Running with Scissors, Yoda: Dare to Be Stupid, and Cavity Search: Bad Hair Day. Heck, go out and by all 11 of his CDs and check out The Poodle Hat Tour coming to a city near you.
