Lost In You

Chapter Three

A/N- Thanks everyone for all the reviews! All of you are awesome!

Lost in you
And I can't find myself again
Lost in you
And I can't find myself again

I walked into Jake's house and saw him in his room feeding Jenny. He looked at me with such worry on his face that I bet he thought somebody had just died. I laid on his bed and stared at Jenny, "She's so lucky," I said to myself.

Jake looked at me, "And why is that?"

"Because," I answered, "She doesn't have to deal with all the bull shit of being 17."

Jake looked at Jenny and kissed her on the cheek, "Jenny will have to one of these days."

I wiped my eyes and sighed, "I feel bad. She has to grow up and meet people like Nathan. She'll get picked on for not having a mom and then she'll end up like me."

"If Jenny ended up like you, then I would be the happiest father in the world," Jake said genuinely as he rubbed my shoulder, "You're not a bad person Brooke..."

I bit my bottom lip, "I just do bad things sometimes."

Jake set Jenny down in her crib and laid beside me and held my hand, "You know why you're my best friend? You kept Jenny a secret for me, you are always here for me," Jake stated "I trust you more than I trust anybody."

"Thanks," I said softly.

"Don't let Nathan and Haley try to ruin you," He said as he brought my chin up with his two fingers, "They don't know what people like us have to go through."

I nodded my head, and then kissed Jake lightly on the cheek, "I'll see you later Jake," I said and the got up from the bed.

"You're a great person," Jake said before I walked out of his bedroom.

I crossed my arms and looked down at the ground, "If I'm such a great person then why do people feel the need to always have to bring me down?"

"They're jealous," Jake answered. I nodded my head and walked out of the bedroom and then out of the house. I got into my car and drove back to my house, even though it didn't even feel like a home. It was more like a place I went when I needed to eat and sleep. It was hard growing up in a place where all your parents did was drink and fight. The worst thing in the world is having to grow up with people that acted as though you weren't even there. I always joked that I could slit my throat in front of my parents and bleed and the only thing they would say would be to not get my blood on the new carpet. I hated them because they didn't pay attention to me.

I used to hear kids complain about getting grounded and their parents not letting them go somewhere. Everyone said I was lucky that my parents weren't around; I nodded in agreement and smiled even though on the inside I truly wished my parents would ground me. It sounds stupid, but the only thing I ever wanted in life was for someone to put me in my place and tell me when I was doing something stupid. That's where Jake came along; he is the most honest person I've ever met. He and Peyton are like the family I never had; they'll tell me when I'm wrong and they'll tell me when I'm doing something stupid.

I walked into my house and sat down on the couch and turned on the TV. The only thing on were re-runs of Real World, and a bunch of sappy soap operas. Even though I disliked soap operas I couldn't help but watch them. My life was a soap opera, Peyton would joke, and she couldn't have been anymore correct. I was a drama queen, and I wouldn't have it any other way. I walked into the kitchen and got out my dad's Jack Daniels. It wasn't a girly drink, but neither was sleeping around, which I did like a pro.

I sat back down on the coach and drank myself sick. That's what I did; I drank and let the pain go away. The only thing I had to get used to was the fact that the pain never went away. I was either getting shit from my parents, fellow students, Nathan, or Haley, and I was sick of hearing about how much people disliked me. Not everyone hated me, just a select few.

Haley. When I hear the name I just want to punch somebody and knock all their teeth out. She was a virgin, and thought that anybody who didn't believe what she believed was wrong and slutty. She judges me because she doesn't give a rat's ass to know me, and I feel the same way about her. I mean, what's to know? She's a virgin, she's a nerd, she dresses weird, and from what I can see changed Nathan into a pussy-whipped goody two shoes.

I've always wanted to change myself, but why should I change just so I can get acceptance from other people? I looked down at the empty Jack Daniels bottle and sighed. Life was too short for me to be wasting it away on drinking, but every time I told myself I was going to stop drinking so much the next night somebody would have a party and I would end up drinking.

As I took sip from my bottle of sorrow I thought about my aunt. I hadn't seen her in about four months, but she always called in to check on me. She was the only person blood related that loved me and cared about me. My aunt was funny and beautiful, and I think she and I got along so well was because out personalities are almost identical. We joked that I was a younger version of her. Nathan knew her back when we were younger; he treated her like she was his aunt. My aunt knows about how hard I'm falling for Nathan because I trust her enough to tell her. She gives the best advice and I love her as though she was my own mother. I couldn't see how she was related to my dad, because the two of them were nothing alike.

I looked around the spinning room and told myself to stop drinking. I always wanted to stop drinking and stop sleeping around. But those were my drugs; they relieved the pain and made me forget. When I was sleeping with some random guy it made up for the attention my parent's didn't give me. And when I was drinking it made me forget about everything and let me get a few hours of happiness in my pathetic, dark life. I laid down on my couch and watch the TV get fuzzier and fuzzier until everything turned black.

Nathan walked into his apartment and dropped his gym bag on the floor. He grabbed a Gatorade out of the fridge and collapsed onto the couch. Haley walked in a few minutes later and laid beside him, "Hey," he said.

She smiled up at him, "What are you doing?" She asked, but was cut short by a forceful kiss from Nathan. They began to make out, but Haley pulled away when she thought things were getting too heated, "What are you doing?" Haley exclaimed.

"Kissing you," Nathan answered nonchalantly.

Haley sighed, "You know I don't want to have sex."

Nathan gave her an odd look, "I was just kissing you!"

Haley got up and walked towards the door, "I should go..."

"Don't," he said as he got up, and stopped her, "I'm sorry, I wasn't trying to force you."

Haley looked down at the ground, "I'm going to Lucas's...I need to study."

Nathan rolled his eyes, "Do you're just going to run away? Go to Lucas's so he can make it all better?" He said sarcastically.

"What about you and Brooke?" Haley exclaimed, "I know you two were just the best of friends." Nathan stood there speechless, for the first time in his life he, Nathan Scott, was speechless. Haley crossed her arms and regretted the fight, "Call me later," was all she had to say before leaving the apartment.

I woke up with a pounding headache and my parents sitting next to me crying. I sat up quickly, bad idea, and looked at them in confusion, "What's going on?"

My dad stroked my cheek, which took me by surprise because I had never felt such a gentle touch from him before, "Brooke. You're aunt Sarah died last night," he said, and I could tell he had been crying.

I looked to my mom, but she was nodding her head and had her face his by a tissue, "No," I said as my eyes started to tear up, "She can't be gone daddy." That was the first time in my life I had ever called my dad "daddy".

My dad pulled me close to him and rocked me back and forth, "There was nothing the doctors could do..."

"How'd she die?" I honestly didn't want to know, but a part of me did.

My dad stroked my hair, "She got hit by a drunk driver."

My heart stopped. Here I was, I had just drank a whole bottle of Jack Daniels and my aunt who loved me more than life itself had just been killed by some idiot that could've been me, "Why did it have to be her?" I said to myself softly.

My mom came over and sat on my other side, "Sweetheart," she said comforting me, "Everything happens for a reason..."

"When's the funeral," I asked.

"Tomorrow morning," my dad said and then got up from the couch and lit a cigarette. He hadn't smoked since my grandpa had died, "I'm going upstairs." And with that he went upstairs to his room.

My mom looked at me and grabbed the empty bottle, "You're father and I will be leaving after the funeral. We have to take care of some business with Sarah's will."

"She wouldn't want you taking her money," I sneered.

"Do you want another drink Brooke?" My mom asked coldly before going upstairs to her room.

I watched her walk up the stairs and wondered to myself why couldn't she have been the one that got hit? I reached for the phone and called Nathan, he was close to my aunt as well and I thought it would be respectful to call him and invite him to the funeral. Plus, I needed someone to hold me, and right now Jake didn't seem like the guy to do it. Jake didn't know my aunt; he couldn't possibly feel the pain I was feeling.

I dialed the number to his house carefully; I still had it memorized from when we were younger. It rang a couple times and I heard his voice pick up the phone and say hello.

"Nathan," I said my voice still sad, he must have noticed.

"Brooke are you okay?" I heard him say.

I sighed, "Not really Nathan. Aunt Sarah died last night. She got hit by a drunk driver," the words were so hard to get out, but I knew had to face reality.

I heard a long pause and then I finally heard his voice, "Sarah died?" He said in shock, his voice was softer than it was before, "I'm so sorry Brooke."

"Me too," I sobbed, "The funerals tomorrow morning, and I was wondering if you wanted to come..."

"Definitely," I heard him say quickly.

I ran my fingers through my stringy auburn hair, "Thanks Nate, I'll see you tomorrow."

I woke up and dressed myself in a black dress. I hated black, black symbolized death and death was something that I didn't like. I sat in the back of my parent's car and looked out the window until we got to the funeral home. I walked in and automatically didn't like the place. It was so sad inside and so gloomy. I separated from my parents and got kisses and hugs from cousins and aunts and uncles. These people didn't love me or love each other; they were just there because the death of Sarah had forced them to be together for at least half an hour. Rest in peace Sarah...

I felt someone tap my shoulder lightly and turned around to see Nathan standing there. He had on a very attractive black suit and had definitely cleaned up a bit for the occasion. He pulled me in for a big hug, and I could smell the cologne he always wore. I hugged him tighter and never wanted to let go, "Thank you," I whispered in his ear. The hug broke and he looked down at me. He kissed me lightly on the cheek and I smiled weakly, "You don't know how much this means to me."

He wiped a tear from my cheek and held onto my hand, "I think I do," he said softly and then we walked into the room where the funeral was being held.

Nathan held my hand during the whole thing, and when I started to cry and held me close to him. We walked up and said our final prayers to my aunt and I walked outside because I thought I was going to faint; Nathan followed. "I can't believe she's gone Nathan," I said with my hand over my mouth, "She was the only thing I had left."

I felt his strong arms wrap around me tightly, "Be strong Brooke," he said to me, "Sarah wouldn't want you to be like this, she'd want you to be strong for her."

"I can't," I sobbed. He held onto me until we noticed everyone was leaving, "Take me to her grave," I said. He nodded and we got into his car and drove a couple minutes down the road.

I walked to her grave holding onto Nathan's hands and I stood in front of it and read the name "Sarah Brooke Davis" on the tombstone. It sent chills up my spine to see her name on the tombstone. I sat down in the bench in front of it and Nathan sat beside me, "I'll miss you Sar," I said in almost a whisper.

Nathan put his arm around me and we sat in silence and watched as the leaves around her grave twirled into the wind, "Do you remember when she made us those cookies and let us swim in her pool?" Nathan asked me.

I smiled, "Yeah," I answered, "And we pushed her in the pool and she had a tray full of cookies in her hand..."

"But she made more," Nathan said, "And she never got mad."

"That was my aunt Sarah," I said with a light laugh, "The most amazing woman in the world."

Nathan rubbed my back in a circular motion, "Are you going to be okay?"

I looked down at the ground and bit my upper lip, "I don't know..."

"Come on," Nathan said as he grabbed my hand, "We'll go back to my place and eat some pizza."

I didn't say a word I just sat in Nathan's car and looked out the window. We got to his apartment and I slowly walked in, "You don't have to do this," I said quietly as I sat down on the couch.

"I know," Nathan said as he sat down beside me on the couch with the pizza, "I want to do this."

"Why?" I asked, "Why now?"

Nathan sighed and took a bite of his pizza, "Because I know you need someone right now, and I'm here for you."

I nodded my head and took off my heels, "Thanks," I said as I looked at Nathan. He looked back at me with a genuine smile. A smile that made me feel like everything was going to be all right.

Nathan wrapped his arms around and let me rest my head on his chest. I listened to the rhythm of his heart beat and rubbed my hand against his arm. He kissed me on the forehead and I smiled. I felt bad that the death of my aunt had to be the reason why we were getting along so well. I watched him switch the channels and when it stopped on MTV, the song I absolutely loved was playing. Nickelback's "How You Remind Me." That song had gotten me through so many nights of thinking about Nathan that it was almost pathetic in a way.

It's not like you didn't know that

I said I love you and I swear I still do

And it must have been so bad

Cause living with me must have damn near killed you

And this is how you remind me of what I really am

This is how you remind me of what I really am

"Are you okay?" Nathan asked me as I wiped yet another tear from my face.

I wiped my eyes and nodded, "I'll be okay. I just can't get over the fact that she's actually gone."

Nathan lifted my head up with his two fingers under my chin, "Don't beat yourself up about this," he said in almost a hushed voice.

"Now I don't have anybody," I sobbed.

He shook his head, "You have me," he said as his face got closer to mine. I leaned in and our lips met. It wasn't what I'd expect from Nathan, the kiss was soft and sweet. I rested my hand on his cheek and he rested his hand on my thigh. The kiss grew more intense, but it was still soft.

We both pulled away at the same time, because we both knew it was wrong, "I'm sorry," I mumbled.

"Don't worry about it," Nathan said softly, "It's okay..."

I got up from the couch and walked slowly to the door, "Well, thanks for everything..."

"No problem," he said as he watched me.

I sighed and had to catch my breath, "About that kiss," I began.

"Brooke," he said to stop me, "We both wanted it," he exhaled.

I nodded my head and walked out the door. I should've stayed, I should've kissed him more intensely...I broke down because I thought I had just crushed the only chance of ever kissing those sweet lips again.

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