Grrrrr, I'm selfish, and I want reviews!! Whatever. This is the third installment, obviously. Enjoy! Also, this takes place during the first book. The Dursley's are taking their Duddykins to get that blasted tail removed. I don't own squat, people. Stop hounding me already!
Is it possible to have the title of just one single chapter longer than the actual song as a whole? Well, at least half the length of the song?
A fat, purple-faced Vernon Dursley, sped down the highway with his fair, ellipsoidal-faced wife, Petunia, and his "squealing" boulder of a son, Dudley. Just last night, a great oaf burst into their hideout slash puny shack in the middle of a stormy sea, and the giant speaks to that horrid Potter kid like he's normal. A connection is made between the two, which is wonderful news for the pleasant normal, non-magic Dursely family. For no apparent reason, the gargantuan woodsman character pulled out a stick and gave Dudley piggish attributes "Ruddy freaks," Vernon thought, "What sort of blithering idiot would torture the innocent for entertainment. Wretched weirdos are no good for society, they can eat pigeon poop for all I bloody well care. More importantly, how in the world am I going to explain this to the doctors? The sound of Petunia's voice broke his train of thought.
"Oh awwww, mummy's little Dudders, don't worry, don't worry, we're going as fast as we can."
"How much longer?! My tail is making my bottom go numb! gasp What if they can't fix it? What if I can never SIT normal AGAIN!" Which was true for the moment, it was absolutely painful to have anything in contact with his tail. His tail was tender, and let's face it, was residing on a very tender spot. He was currently lying face down on the back seat, his tail writhing with all its might.
"Only a few minutes, Duddy!" Petunia answered. Actually, they had roughly another thirty minutes. Dudley's arms were flailing about behind him, trying to grasp his tail. Finally success was his, he grabbed the offending feature tight in his hands. The wiggling around was equivalent to having a ringing sound stuck in one's head. Holding his tail would have been fine, except for one small detail, this tail was a magical tail. Before long, Dudley's hands flew out in front of him, and a scream spliced through the air. It felt as if he stuck his hand in a furnace, and crocodile tears began falling.
"AAAAAGGGGHH!! MY HANDS ARE ON FIRE WHOOOOAAAA!! Huurrry father, HUURRRY!!"
Vernon was livid and panicking now. The pressure on the gas pedal increased while the speedometer dial rose from 70 to 95.
"Dudley?... Dudley... would you like something to eat or drink, would that make you feel better?" Vernon asked timidly?
His son roared, "NO, THAT BLOODY WILL NOT HELP! I WANT TO GO TO THE HOSPITAL NOT MCDONALDS!" Apparently, the Dursley son's predicament must be horrendous if he actually refused food! So Vernon tried another tactic.
"Well, what if we put on some music?"
"FINE! Just... get... to the... hospital!" Vernon grabbed the first tape he saw and plopped it into the dashboard. He cranked up the volume, and a rough voice erupted from the speakers...
Let me be your hog
Let me be your hog, now
I said baby, baby, baby, baby
baby, baby, baby, baby,
yeah, yeah, yea...
Vernon slammed his finger on the eject button. Picking up the tape he read it's title: Harry's music. Like a lion who stepped on a thorn, Vernon growled, chucking the tape out the window. The rest of the trip was made sans music.
(A/N: I really wanted to end it here, but after looking over my story with all my new ideas, I didn't think it would make a fair ending. So here's more...)
At the hospital
"Dudley Dursley, Dr. Abbott will see you now," a twenty-something nurse called out. The Dursley clan formed what can only be called a "Dursley sandwich" the elders were the bread while, "little" Duddikins was the meat and mayonnaise. The threesome followed the nurse into a dinky room, furnished with a few counters, chairs, and the bed with the paper laid out on top.
"Lie here, the doctor will be with you shortly," said the nurse as she exited the room. Dudley did as he was told. He clamored face down onto the uncomfortable slab, with a push and pull from his parents. Vernon and Petunia, then sat in the corner of the room and engaged in small talk. (Although, technically, it was just angry muttering from Vernon) A few minutes passed, and an audible "pop" was heard.
"Hello?" Petunia called out, beady eyes peering into the shadows, "is that you, doctor?" They started to dismiss it as nothing, when a faint whispering was heard.
"Claudecellus" was what the voice said, but that didn't register in Vernon's mind. Therefore that must not have been what was ushered.
"Silencio capacitas," the voice said again, and still, no recognition of a real word.
"If you're looking for the Dursleys, doctor, we're here!" Vernon replied, in a manner not associated with kindness.
A young woman stepped out of the shadows. Light fell over her deep purple spiked hair tipped with green highlights. As she made her way fully into the light, it splashed across her t-shirt, adorned with a few people holding various instruments. The words "Weird Sisters" lined the bottom of the tee. Her well worn jeans, scrunched over her purple Vans, completed the look.
"Wotcher, Dursleys. The name is Tonks, an..."
"Don't tell me you're the doctor!" Vernon interrupted, "I will not have my son handled by the likes of a child such as yourself!" Vernon stared at her, a smirk appeared on her face and she cocked one eyebrow, but recovered quickly.
"I'm not the doctor, but I can still help. Hey wait.... Dursley? You're Harry Potter's uncle, aren't you?" Vernon's piggy eyes widened, he took a small step toward her. "Who told you about the boy?" He snarled.
Tonks had apparently not heard him, for she continued on, "I certainly hope he enjoys Hogwarts. It's a wonderful place, although nothing too big happens very often. Who knows, maybe young Harry will shake things up a bit!
Tonks realized a second too late that she said the wrong thing. Vernon was now inches from her face. "YOU and your FILTH! My family will have nothing to do with your kind. All of you are FREAKS, who NEVER should have been BORN!! You tortured my boy, and left that pile of rags on our doorstep, I WANT YOU OUT! OUT NO...."
"Silencio" Tonks whispered her wand out. "Now that I have your attention, Dursley, I want you to listen." Her tone feigned sweetness, and was lightly laced with a calm malice.
"I don't want to get started with you, since I'm not in the best of moods now. First I'm late for work, Fudge reprimands me. Five minutes later, I find Fudge with my chocolate frosted doughnut sliding down his face because I tripped over Moody's walking stick. He stumbles, but manages to catch himself. Unfortunately his 'eye' fell out and rolled into a closing elevator door (the eye was fine, just three stories away from the owner) Fudge tells me, I'm to be on obliviation duty today. I told him, I was to work on Auror training with Kingsley, he said I could use the bloody discipline. So now I find myself in a dingy office waiting for my call to duty. Aurors in training? Doing Obliviation duties? That is unheard of!! I'm in there with my thoughts, and I got to thinking about last night, when I traveled to Hogwarts to visit friends. I came across my former professor, and those feelings from my school days resurfaced. I started sputtering like a fool in front of the Potions Master. He gave me this look that said 'I'm not amused, but I am' and offered a greeting. When I couldn't say anything, he swished away. What do I do? Do I love him? Is it something else? I don't know, but that's all I can think about sitting in that office 'prison.' Then, I'm told to track you down. I find you, and you insult my world! Oh yeah, I'm feeling pretty grand!"
The Dursleys were silent. (You would be, too)
"Now, if you'll let me get to work, I can get out of here, and pay that lovable greasy git another visit" Tonks advanced toward Dudley, who was still on the steel slab, "Regularo glutecauda," She stepped back, and held out her wand. "As for all of you, OBLIVIATE" With that, she undid all her previous spells, disappeared, leaving the dazed family, with that same audible 'pop.'
A new voice sounded out in the room, "Hello Mr. and Mrs. Dursley, I'm Dr. Johnson...."
The End
Well, "Let Me Be Your Hog" is from Weird Al's UHF Orignial Motion Picture Soundtrack and other stuff Hey, that was fun! Leave a review, please! Later!
WAYAMY27NARF
"Shut-claudere" "Room-cella & capacitas" "Remove-relegare" "Tail-cauda"
