AUTHOR'S NOTE: This note really belongs at the beginning of this story, but I kept forgetting to type it in (if it's not in my notebook, it doesn't get copied over nine times out of ten), and it's important enough to put it where I know it'll be read now.
This story exists because a suggestion from my beta-reader that Harry and Bonfoy sneak into the other common rooms and find out that Hufflepuff is plotting to take over the world. So shout-out to Bet for that contribution.
It also exists because of readers wanting to see more, most notably Nemo Returning, who did her best to show me that there could be more done and instead I accused her of thinking too hard. This was not only really stupid, it was unnecessarily harsh and totally uncalled-for, so Nemo Returning, I apologize wholeheartedly for being a witch with a capital B. (I tried emailing you, but the message kept bouncing back, so I hope you read this here). Moreover, I promise both you and everyone else that in future, I will not be a bitch to reviewers. I am a new, reformed Ancalimë—Scout's honor. Insert genuinely meek expression here.
Anyway, it is with much humble thanks that I give credit where it's due and say, Bet and Nemo Returning, this story is all owing to you.
AE
PS For anyone who might be wondering, this is not taking me away from finishing "A Dream Within a Dream". It's actually one thing helping to keep me sane during the final stages of composition on that story—I need some lighthearted distraction now and then.
AE
Chapter 6: Bibby's Quibbles
They returned to Hogwarts by the same means they had used to depart, which the narrator thought it best not to elucidate, given that portkeys and apparating were both illegal for them. They returned nevertheless, and having seen Ron safely back to his common room, the three Slytherins proceeded to their own House.
"So I never asked," Pansy remarked as they walked. "Why'd we have to go to Dumbledore instead of Snape?"
Harry went green. "He was, um…busy," he answered. "Playing tonsil hockey."
Bonfoy gave him an odd look. "He was only making out?" he snorted. "As traumatized as you looked, I thought—"
"With Trelawney?" Harry countered.
"Now both Bonfoy and Pansy went green. "No further questions," Pansy said faintly.
They arrived at their common room to discover that SPWEB was having another meeting.
"What's up?" Pansy whispered to Millicent.
"Looks like Mopsy's back," the other girl replied. "And some other house elf that calls himself Bibby."
Snape stood at the front again and called them all to order. "I will entertain a motion to dispense with roll-call and a review of the minutes from our last meeting," he stated, "so that we can proceed to the stuff that really matters."
"So moved!" Goyle shouted, followed by seconds from most of the assembly.
"Very well," Snape said. "One of our operatives has returned and is here to report his findings. Please welcome Alf—er, Mopsy."
Amid scattered applause, Alfred conjured a podium and took his place behind it. "Thank you," the house elf said. "Well, time is short, so I'll happily cut to the chase. There is a plot afoot, due to be carried out at an early stage in Sprout's operation, to assassinate two Hogwarts students."
He waited for the murmurs to die down before continuing. "I have no doubt that such ardent Harry Potter fans as yourselves have all read the fifth book?"
In reply, everyone nodded, and several of the Slytherins produced autographed copies.
"Very good," Alfred said. "So then, I need not explain to you, in detail or not, the prophecy which was dealt with at the end of that great and heavy tome."
Everyone shook their heads.
"Good. Unfortunately, in an effort to learn what, exactly, they are up against, the Hufflepuff analysts have also read the Harry Potter books, and they, too, are aware of the prophecy and its details." He narrowed his eyes. "Sprout is a calculating woman who believes in leaving no possibility of failure. It is critical to her plans that You-Know-Who be brought down by a Huff—yes, a question in the front?"
A Slytherin first year lowered his hand and cleared his throat. "Um, begging your pardon, but…I don't know who," he said.
Dead silence fell in the wake of these words, then Crabbe suddenly charged, screaming, "Kill the infidel!" As everyone stared dumbly, the seventh year mowed the first year to the ground, beat him bloody, and physically kicked him out of the common room.
At the completion of this outburst, Crabbe calmly returned to the meeting and Alfred, with mildly raised eyebrows, returned to his report. "At any rate, Sprout has ordered the Hufflepuff strategists to devise a plot to murder both Harry Snape and Neville Longbottom, and they have come through."
The Slytherins, Harry and Snape included, took it rather well, all things considered. After all, Harry reflected, the idea that someone was after him was hardly a new one, and as for Neville…well, he was something of an annoying nonentity as far as the majority of Slytherins were concerned. Aside from scattered speculation that Neville was destined to take out Bellatrix Lestrange (whom several Slytherins kept accidentally referring to as Bellatrix Potter, doubtless confusing her with the creator of Peter Rabbit), no one really gave him much thought at all.
Alfred cleared his throat. "I managed to steal detailed plans for this dastardly plot." He turned to Harry. "I'd be wary of knitting needles if I were you," he advised. "It seems that Hufflepuff agents have bewitched a pair to do you in."
A cold wave washed over Harry, and there were numerous gasps from the assembled Slytherins.
"They already failed," Bonfoy told the house elf grimly. "Good thing Pansy knows Kung Fu, or Harry'd be dead now."
Alfred went pale. "I was too late!"
"They tried it before you ever infiltrated, Alf—er, Mopsy," Snape said soothingly. "It's not your fault."
It required a long moment of controlled breathing for Alfred to be able to go on, but even so, he was profusely apologetic to Harry in the meantime.
"What about Neville?" Crabbe asked. "He doesn't knit."
Alfred shook his head. "No, no, the Hufflepuff imagination is not limitless," he replied. "They shot their one brilliant bolt on young Snape and actually stole a page from J.K. Rowling's book for Longbottom. He'll be receiving a potted clipping of Devil's Snare for his un-birthday next week."
"Herbologists," Pansy muttered. "Bunch of nutty poseurs! It'll be traced to Sprout in no time."
"Only if everyone else knows about Hufflepuff's true nature," Harry muttered back. "Otherwise, they'd be the last ones you'd suspect."
She frowned thoughtfully. "Good point."
"So Mopsy," Millicent piped up. "What's Bibby got to do with any of this?"
Alfred shifted stiffly. "I have no idea why he insists on calling himself that," he said acidly. "This elf is my old friend and mentor Reginald, who infiltrated the Hufflepuff loyalists five years ago and was never seen again."
"Mesa Bibby," the other house elf said cheerily. "Mesa good house elf!"
"I found him," Alfred continued in a pained voice, "wandering around the kitchens speaking inferior English, even for a house elf, and singing praises of George Lucas and Industrial Light and Magic."
There were a number of horrified gasps. Reginald was perfectly oblivious to this, however, and stepped up beside Alfred at the podium. "When mesa growin' up, mesa wantsa be Jar-Jar Binks!" he declared.
"Kill the infidel!" Goyle screamed, and only the fact that Snape was a faster Stunner than Goyle was a runner kept Reginald's head attached to his shoulders.
Reginald, still oblivious, stepped down and wandered away, humming music from the Episode 2 soundtrack.
"I theorize," Alfred said mournfully, "that he was caught and tortured for information. Only several bouts of the Cruciatus could have tone such dreadful damage to him."
"So…" Harry trailed off uncertainly. When Alfred motioned for him to go on, he took a deep breath. "When are you going back?"
Alfred snorted. "Are you kidding?" he countered. "When I found Reginald, I saw the writing on the wall. I grabbed the plans and got out of Dodge."
"Good plan," Snape told him. He looked to the assembly. "Who would like to head up a committee in charge of coming up with a plan to intercept the Devil's Snare before Neville gets it?"
Pandi and Randy Anderkoil raised their hands. "We'll want to coordinate with Crabbe and Goyle for methods of destruction and disposal," the left-hand twin said.
"We'll pencil you in," Crabbe told her.
"Good," Snape said. "Are there any more items needing discussion?" Seeing them shake their heads, he nodded. "Very well, then. I will entertain a motion to adjourn."
"So move!" Millicent called.
"Second!" Pansy added.
"Mesa gonna be in Episode 3!" Bibby chimed in.
There was a pause, at the end of which Snape shook his head. "Anyway," he said, "this motion does pass. Dismissed!"
