Chapter Six – Exorcising a Demon

The trip back to the cabin had been a silent one. Neither man seemed to know what to say. Each had been throwing covert glances at the other and both were unhappy with what they saw. When Steve looked at Jesse, he saw the pale complexion that was marred with small cuts and bruises. The fatigue and pain were clearly evident. When Jesse looked at Steve he saw the lines of stress around his eyes and mouth. His very demeanor spoke of a bone deep weariness. Of course neither one of them said anything to the other. Steve was too consumed with guilt and Jesse was just trying to get back to the point prior to them being apprehended at the base. He had felt like he was on the verge of coming to terms with what had happened.

When they had been walking in the woods around the cabin he had experienced vague recollections of the events of that night. Muted voices and shadowy faces had become clearer as he had traveled the area. He hadn't told Steve yet, but when he had been left alone, the horrifying flashbacks had actually helped him add some more pieces to a puzzle that was rapidly on its way to completion. The sheer terror of thinking it was happening again had given his mind an odd clarity; he remembered the trek through the woods, supported by two men, the helicopter he had been loaded on to. The same vehicle that he figured had been used to give the impression of a UFO. The building in a desolate area in Utah where he had been drugged and beaten and been subjected to psychological torture as well.

Jesse had never understood why he felt it so easy to believe that the people he cared the most about were enemies. The memories of how that was used him against hurt more now than any physical discomfort. They had used the images of Mark, Amanda and Steve in conjunction with drugs and physical pain to totally break him, make him think that he could trust no one, and it had worked. The doubts and insecurities that had haunted him his entire life had been brought to the forefront of his psyche. His parents had never encouraged or supported him; therefore he had suffered from a lack of self confidence, until he met Mark Sloan and through him Amanda and Steve. His life had been altered forever. They had welcomed him with open arms and under their unconditional acceptance he had blossomed into one of the finest ER doctors in Los Angeles, an accomplishment that he could acknowledge and be proud of. He had become so lost in his thoughts that he hadn't realized they were back at the cabin. He turned startled eyes towards Steve and immediately wondered how they had gotten there. He also seemed to be unaware they had arrived at their destination, he sat with his hands clinched on the steering wheel and had not even turned the truck off. Jesse reached a hand towards him and rested it lightly on the taut forearm of his best friend. "Steve, we're here."

After a brief pause, Steve had turned and looked at him. "Yeah, we are, aren't we?" He had then shut off the truck, unbuckled his seat belt, opened the door and stepped out of the truck. In a move that had surprised Jesse he had continued on in to the cabin without even offering to help him. His brow crinkled in concern, Jesse had quickly followed him in. He found Steve crouched in front of the fireplace preparing to light it. "Steve?"

"What?" He had responded without even looking up.

"Are you alright?"

Steve had turned to stare at him with an incredulous look on his face. "Am I alright? Jesse, this isn't about me, I'm fine!"

"But see, that's where you are wrong, I have been so caught up in myself that I never took into account how this had affected you."

"Jesse, nothing happened to me."

"Yes, it did, even though you either don't see it or won't admit it."

"All I need is a good night's sleep," Steve said.

Jesse had sighed and dipped his head. Steve Sloan was about as stubborn as they came and he had a sometimes irritating habit of repressing his feelings. "Steve, I know I haven't been a very good friend …." He had stopped when he had been abruptly interrupted.

"Stop it, Jesse," Steve's voice had reflected his irritation.

"I can't, Steve, what you don't know is that this trip has been a success."

"How do you call being detained and you slipping into a catatonic state a success?"

"Steve, it was really strange, after they took you away, I panicked and had flashbacks, I saw the green light again." He had stopped when Steve had dropped his head into his hands. He took a step forward but then paused. He has thought to comfort Steve, but then reconsidered. Physical contact right now would only make things worse, so he had instead moved to the couch and sat down. After a moment Steve had stood up and made his way to the chair closest to the couch and sat as well.

"Steve, for some odd reason everything became clear, I remember what happened, here at the cabin and in Utah."

"Everything?" Steve had asked.

"Yes," Jesse's voice had faltered slightly.

"I'm sorry," Steve had offered.

"Don't be sorry, Steve, I would rather know what happened, because now I can deal with it, I think that is why I was having such a hard time with things. Not knowing allowed my mind to create all kinds of scenarios and as bad as it was, the things that my mind was making up were ten times worse."

Steve had looked at him intently for a moment before he responded. "So you're saying that you are alright?"

"No, not yet, but I can get there, with the help of my friends," Jesse responded with a smile. "Now, I want to help a friend."

Steve had looked perplexed. "I don't understand?"

"Jeez, Steve, I think one too many concussions have adversely affected you. I remember the hospital as well; you looked like you had been punched in the stomach."

"Jesse, I think you need some sleep and I know you need medical care, you aren't making sense."

Jesse had interlocked his fingers and rested his elbows on his legs before softly speaking. "You left me."

Steve's head and body had jerked as if a stream of electric current had just run through his body. "I, uh, I don't know what to say."

"That's just it, there is nothing to say, you did nothing wrong."

Steve hadn't answered immediately; he had suddenly become fascinated with the pattern in the throw rug on the floor. When he had made eye contact again the torment Jesse had seen reflected in the normally placid eyes was overwhelming. "Jesse, the very nature of my job, of who I am, means I am supposed to protect people, and I failed to do that with one of the most important people in my life."

"Steve, do you know how grateful I am that you weren't there? You would have fought them and who knows what would have happened."

"But, at least you wouldn't have been alone."

"How do you know that? Who's to say they wouldn't have killed you? I would much rather have not been with you for five days than to have lost you for the rest of my life!"

Steve sat considering the young man in front of him. His best friend, the little brother he had always wanted. He radiated sincerity, optimism and an openness that Steve envied. "Jesse, I just don't know, I am used to being in control, of knowing what to do."

"That's why we need to do this together, we need each other, I, don't blame you for any of this. Please stop blaming yourself. If you don't then you will succeed where Paris Pharmaceuticals failed, you will destroy me."

"Jesse, don't say that, you know I will do whatever you need me to do."

Jesse had smiled. "Then please, forgive yourself, I can't forgive you because I never blamed you."

The room had descended in silence that was broken by the sound of Steve's cell phone ringing. "Sloan, here. Oh, hi, Dad," he paused as his father spoke, his eyes holding Jesse's. "No, we're fine, both of us," Steve had smiled at Jesse as he spoke. "I think we are both on our way to exorcising a demon."

The End